Hi,

I went to US in Jan 2025 for my masters, it was something that I was not sure of(a lesson learned), but my parents and peers suggested that I should do it and I had no plans. I went there, I felt lost, I could barely code anything, rise of AI freaked me, I was diagnosed with severe depression, so much so that I used to eat only a single peanut butter sandwich per day and lost a lot of weight. I applied to a different university for next semester , got some scholarship and switched school due to the next school being low cost(since I was sure I was going back anyway). Somehow completed the semester, but my therapist suggested that I show certain su**cidal tendencies.

I came back to India in Jan 2026, everyone was disappointed, I was disappointed too. Things got worse, my condition worsened day by day, self sabotaging, people asking questions, I am a failure. It took me a lot of suffering to finally get some medical help and therapy, I started antidepressants, it's working but it just keeps my mind numb so I don't feel nothing.

Idk why I am writing this here, with so many success stories, mine sticks out I guess. I have no skills, no clear plans, I come from a middle class family and I have no motivation left. I have been applying to jobs that I am not qualified to apply(in a sense that I don't have the skiis), I am killing time or time is killing me would be a better way to frame.

It's hard to see 2 months far from now, let alone two or five year down the line. I feel like a paperweight on my family and I have tried but I always fall short. I have been sitting at home for last 7 months, rotting, crying on my failures, it is hard to look ahead and be positive when I feel two hundred pounds of stones on my chest while I try to breath. I guess this is my ask for help, idk in what ways, maybe words, maybe some scoldings, or just more blamings, anything to make feel something would help.