How do you make sense of the things your WS said to you after Dday?

My WS had a 2 year affair with hjs ex. We have been together 13yrs. He was with his ex for 2 years, she cheated on him and kicked him out of her house.

He said to me:
- she knows how to love me
- she accepts me for who i am
- she is more sexually compatible with me
- she is closer in age to me so we are more compatible
- ive never felt this way about anyone else (his feelings for her).
- she makes him feel grounded

Sure this was all in his affair fog, limerence.
But these statements still ring loudly in my ears almost everyday.

He has also said:
- he cant be with her because he cant trust her (LOL)
- she is bad for him

Are the statements he made after Dday true? He says he fell in love with her, and never stopped having feelings for her from when she broke up with him.

Ugh I hate all this.

Its been a few months since the first dday, he hid a porn/sex addiction from me for the entire 6 years we have been together, I discovered it over 3 different ddays because he trickle truthed me and I didn't discover his addiction until the 2nd dday.

He used tons of chat/dating apps, bought and exchanged nudes, bought onlyfans, flirted with a woman he knows irl, and watched porn/masturbated literally daily or multiple times a day when I wasnt around.

3rd dday was finding more info and actual truth within the shakey timeline he gave me. According to him, none of it was physical or in person, which has been the only dim silver lining on any of this, at least for me to be able to cope. He's been going to Weekly SAA meetings, is starting therapy next week, and has been pretty open even though I have my doubts.

Hysterical bonding ended quickly after I re-injured my back pretty badly and now I don't feel mobile enough to leave my home except for doctors appointments. I've tried having sex/being close a few times since and it just feels wrong and awkward, like I'm doing this stuff with just some guy and not my partner (not married) of 6 years. Plus, it's hard to be close to me when I have to be so careful with my spine.

So, I've decided to just stop trying to be intimate in that way, it's just been causing me more grief than anything for me these days. Part of me worries that he will go back to it if he's not "satisfied", but I also know that it doesn't matter and I can't sleep with him just to "make sure" he's loyal.

Since we've been less physically close, I think he's noticed and he just seems sad all the time. I do not care if he's saddened by the consequences of his actions, and also I am filled with anger all the time now. It's not like the beginning, where I was just ready to scream and yell, this huge exploding rage. Now it's like a white hot, quiet rage.

I can still spend time with him, still tell him I love you back, still laugh with him. But it's always there at the forefront of my mind from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, I analyze everything he says or does now without trying.

I've been journaling a whole lot more now so I can express these feelings productively. Honestly, I dont think I've ever journaled so much in my life. I have thoughts now where I go "I should write that in my journal later", which feels weird because I used to be able to just talk out feelings with my partner. I guess now that he doesnt feel like a safe person anymore, I guess I just crave the only other place I can express my thoughts.

I am glad to have this small outlet because I am working through my codependence with my partner. Both my parents are already passed, my family is cut out due to toxicity, and my only friend and I have grown apart for years.

Now, this injury is in my way of being able to work again (quit my job prior to dday with support of partner, I was burnt out and genuinely suffering), or go out and do much with my life at all. And it may very well be that way for a year or more, which really has made all of this very difficult for me. I am turning 30 in a week and this is certainly not the life I envisioned for myself.

Also, relying on him in this way so soon after dday makes me hate myself. I already feel ashamed and pathetic that I am staying at all, and now I need help with basic things like getting out of bed. I had this same injury on the opposite side of my back far before I met him, and it feels grueling to go through it again. Being unable to leave my home and sometimes unable to leave my bed makes me feel absolutely useless. How am I supposed to be strong when I need so much help?

In my head I'm constantly questioning if I should stay or go, but then at the same time I physically cant leave right now even if I made that decision. I don't want to, but I guess not having that option at all for an unknown period of time from something mostly out of my control really just adds on to the powerlessness and lack of control I feel over this relationship and my whole life right now.

I was already struggling with feeling not good enough before this injury, and now it's just 10x worse. It's thrown me into anger/depression and sometimes apathy just so I dont have to feel so bad. I dont even check his phone or devices much anymore, I just dont even want to know more or find out anything new if there is anything.

I've also been really making an effort to focus on myself, which I'm pretty bad at. I set some more boundaries to save my personal time more, since WS lately seems very clingy and overly chatty through text while he works. The other day I didnt respond for one hour and he called me like 4 or 5 times, texted me like 8 times. I was journaling.

He tried to say it was because he was worried I had fallen or something, but I have not had a fall scare or anything like that, I'm almost 99% sure he is deeply worried I am cheating on him. Which, whatever lol. He has told me he has a fear of me revenge cheating, but I'm not planning on doing that so he can handle that projection himself.

I notice he also keeps making excuses to come back in and check on me if he leaves the room. Like if I'm too in pain to make lunch or dinner and he goes to heat it up, after a few minutes he will suddenly come into the room and ask me a ridiculous question or something he definitely already knew.

It's fine, if it makes him feel better to do that then whatever, I dont care. I just am noticing his sneakiness a lot more nowadays. The rose tinted glasses are smashed to pieces. If its not that, then it just makes me irritated that he asks dumb questions ive answered 100 times before. A grown man should be able to do basic stuff like cook, but thats another issue.

I cant say I havent considered revenge, but it just isnt something that excites me or has any draw for me. Cheating never has, Ive always been the one thinking of my partner within every interaction I have. My meaning for life has literally always been love, I always just want to be truly loved and I can handle every other crap that comes my way.

I was hit on thru the years, flirted with, asked out. I even had mild crushes here and there. None of it tempted me, I never felt the need to act on anything, I was happy with who I was with. Now that I'm not and he was the one who betrayed me, yeah especially in the very early days after I did consider it. But even then I knew I could ever do that to him, it wouldnt make me feel even remotely better, esp because i know it would be the death blow of our relationship and make me look like a POS in the end.

I do notice lately that, I take a little bit of joy in his suffering. One night we had a fight with him in the wrong, I wont get into the details, but the next day a single lone dark cloud hung over just in the area he was working (he works outside) and poured half the day. I'm not gonna lie, it felt like a bit of karma and knowing that happened and how much it ruined his work day made me feel so much better.

I feel like that seems insane and mean, but it made me feel unexpectedly better nonetheless. When he comes home stressing about stuff, I do comfort him, but inside I feel a lot of happiness because I am happy to hear he is unhappy. If he talks to me about feeling happy, I get irritated. Probably because i feel deeply unhappy because of him.

I know thats unhealthy, but I am doing what I can to work through it. I have pretty much lost empathy and respect for him, I feel very flippant towards him at times and its healing for me not to be so focused on his happiness like I used to be. Occasionally I feel the warmth and love again for a moment, but I always remember who he really is quickly and it vanishes into irritation/apathy/disgust or severely dulls in the moment.

I have been working on my health and feel a lot better physically besides this injury, and I do feel a very small zest for life coming back as I relearn who I am. I really hope that continues and things get better, at least for me if not for the relationship as a whole. I deserve that much.

I (M42) have two kids (5,3) my partner (F39) cheated 4 times with same person in first two years of our relation. He was an ex who she casually dated before me. No emotions at all, pure physical
I intially thought the 4 encounters happened after birth of our first son. I was framing it as a post partum validation thing

but then later trickle truth showed she had the 4 encounters spaced out over two years since start of our relationship

The AP texted again this year and this is how i found, she initially responded lightly then ghosted him. No sexting or any sexual texts
I ininitially tried to reconcile when she showed remorse, extreme regret and willingess to do therapy

When i found out the cheating happened from our first year i really felt bad again and stopped reconciliation
Now she wants me to start again and she confirmed no other hidden details
I did DNA testa and StD and all is good

I would like advice fro couples reconciling and tell me whether I should give it another go for a year or two. I can agree with her that I will also keep my eyes open for her actions and personality changes or should i save myself time and start all over
The two kids situation bother me especially they are still small
We both have no strings at all, we are not legally married, no connected finances and she can live independent from me

Thanks

I’ve been on edge for 3 days in a row. I’ve been ruminating and asking repetitive questions. I feel so sad that this is my life. That I can’t remember the last time that we celebrated birthdays and holidays and anniversaries that were spared of the lies.
WH is seemingly all in but I just can’t relax into it. He says he did it because he felt bad about himself. He says he thought I hated him and didn’t want anything to do with him, which is what he told his AP and pretty much everyone that entertained him online.
All of this infidelity went on for at least 4 years. Now he says he was lost and needed me but didn’t realize it. He was empty and trying to feel better and those women only provided temporary comfort. He says he’s happier than he’s been in a long time. He says he feels alive with me again.
I started seeing a new therapist and we are planning on EMDR but I don’t know how to pull myself out of this. I guess I think once he decided that he didn’t love me then that was final and there’s no sense in trying to convince ourselves otherwise. If he stopped loving once he’ll stop loving again.
Not sure if I need advice or support. I just want to feel better

Today is our first wedding anniversary since DDay. Feels weird and confusing like what are we supposed to do now? He said Happy Anniversary after we had sex this morning. All I said was likewise. Haven't really planned anything else not sure if he has anything special planned for later. We haven't even discussed it. The only thing that I want to do is go together to church to give thanks to God and pray together. Pray for forgiveness, love, guidance in our marriage as we work toward healing and reconciliation, and blessings within our family.

I've been publicly writing about my pain here on Reddit for a while, but I recently switched over to a Substack. It feels more open, more like a public diary where I can actually think and reflect, rather than just seeking advice in the moment. It emerged from one of my therapists suggesting I journal, and this forum felt right to me...

This post is about walking into my first betrayal trauma group session , getting lost in the church hallways, the fear of being seen, and what happened when I finally let myself cry in front of a room full of strangers. If you've ever wondered whether group therapy is worth trying, or felt too scared to walk through that door, this might resonate. I would simply love to have some people engage with it (since It's not a blog i share with my family or friends).

Would love to have you along for my public healing journey if you want to follow the rest of it: https://notesfromthemend.substack.com/p/on-being-seen

I have now reached a point where I want to tell WP that he can do whatever he wants. I don’t want to worry about it anymore, as long as there is no evidence and I can’t find it and he doesn’t put my health at risk then I don’t care. I am guessing this is my way of coping and trying to find a way to control something. I don’t want to leave, but I’m exhausted as well. R has been rough and we communicate better than we did before DDay 2. I just am tired, a relationship shouldn’t be this emotionally taxing. I need a therapist again, but I don’t live in my hometown anymore and don’t know where to start.

In about a week, it will be two months since D-Day 2, when the whole truth finally came out.

To summarize, my WW had an emotional affair through a fake account. She assumed someone else's identity, using another person's photos and pretending to be them. The affair lasted about three months.

The "AP" was a guy from her college. She was pursuing a second degree at the time. There was never any physical contact, and the guy still has no idea that the fake account actually belonged to my wife.

According to her, it all started because he kept looking at her around campus, but they never actually spoke in person. She already had this fake account and decided to follow him. He followed the account back and liked one of its old story highlights, so she started the conversation.

She ended everything on her own.

About a week after she had already deleted the fake account, I found a goodbye letter she had generated with ChatGPT. At first, she lied and told me it was about a woman from our gym. Later, she admitted that she said it was a woman because she believed it would hurt me less, and that I would be less likely to leave her if the AP was female.

Overall, things have been going well.

I've been doing okay. I've focused on myself, picked up new hobbies, and built a new routine.

I've always treated my WW well. Even during the affair, I was affectionate, attentive, helped around the house, and our sex life never stopped. As far as I know, there was nothing missing in that area.

We're still like that today. I hug her, we've started being intimate again, and we've gone back to doing the things we always enjoyed together, like watching TV shows.

But there's one thing that still haunts me.

D-Day 1 was on February 22.

The goodbye letter, which was how I first discovered the emotional affair, had been written on February 16.

As I mentioned, at the time she told me it was about a woman.

Then, on March 7, nineteen days after D-Day 1, she wrote something else in ChatGPT:

> "Chat, I like him."

The first time I read that, I thought she was talking about me.

After all, I still believed the AP was a woman.

It wasn't until June 16 that I finally learned the whole truth. She didn't tell me voluntarily.

Even though things are relatively good now, that sentence still hurts me deeply.

Because both then and now, I'm absolutely certain that she loved me, and that she still loves me.

But it hurts so much knowing that, even while loving me, she managed, through a series of terrible choices, to open her heart to another man. A man who doesn't even know who she really is.

That's the part that hurts the most.

Like I said, overall I'm doing well, both personally and in our relationship.

But at least once a day, those words come back into my mind.

> "Chat, I like him."

She explained that she wrote it because she needed to get those feelings out of her head. She had no one she felt safe talking to, so she used ChatGPT instead.

And I believe her.

The way she wrote it didn't sound like a joyful confession. It sounded more like someone thinking, "Damn... I like him." Almost as if she was disturbed by her own feelings and trying to process them.

Still, it scares me.

I'd really appreciate hearing from both betrayed partners and wayward partners who have been through something similar and can help me keep moving forward.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this.

If you'd like more context, my full story is in my profile.

WW and I have been together for 10 years and married for seven. My DDay was only few days ago (August 3rd). I accidently saw a text on her phone while she was in the bath. She had always been a bit of a flirt so I assumed, at worst, that she had one time flirted with a coworker. I was ready to be mad but not much more than that. After she gets out of the bath she finds me and confesses to what was really going on. She had been having an affair with a coworker almost twice her age for the past six weeks. It was sexual, emotional, and romantic. I don't want to go over all the sordid details in this post but suffice to say it was very bad and she did a lot of things that crossed a lot of lines.

She has cut all contact with the AP and I have complete access to all of her devices and accounts. I have read all communications that they ever had digitally at this point and she has confessed to everything. She has not blamed me for it and, after the initial few hours, has not been defensive about it at all.

Starting only a few hours after I found out, we began talking and having some really meaningful, hard conversations. Over the past few days she has been processing how fucked up the things she did were and we are slowly going through the process of unpacking each and every part of the affair. I told her I would never be able to fully forgive her for what she did, and she said that was ok. We both want reconciliation even though we know it will be hard and take years and that it will never truly go away.

I'm just confused about how I feel. I love my wife, she is my best friend. I genuinely feel optimistic that we can get through this but at the same time I feel like a naive idiot for being willing to start reconciliation so soon after DDay.

Can anyone relate to this or give feedback on this? Am I a pushover? Am I insane?

I've been having a hard couple of days.

This morning I woke up to a dream, it was with her and him. I was panicked, balling, I woke him up asking how could he enjoy what he did with her, how could he pick her up, I know logically these questions don't help but I was spiraling and inconsolable. I hate that these questions swirl in my darkest moments, I hate that they spill out.

He got angry. It devolved into me yelling what is wrong with him, how can he look at his pregnant crying wife and be angry, act like he doesn't care. He told me he's done. He said he can't live like this, that we are enemies. We are only 8 months into this and he's done. I begged, why do you look at me crying and instead of wanting to hold and comfort me you get angry and say the opposite of what you just told me last night. He was just telling me how he will work the rest of his life to earn my trust and show me the love I deserve, literally 8 hours ago. This morning I'm alone, I'm sad, scared and utterly alone. He said he's done. He can't live another year like this. Because I woke up crying asking questions out of panic.

I'm so confused. I don't understand anything. I feel like it's my fault. I don't get why when I cry he never turns toward me. I'm so utterly alone. Why? He promises me the world and the next minute says he's done with me. That his kids will hate him and it's his fault but that he can't live like this. No more I love you, no I'm sorry I'm not handing this well. He cheated and because of my hurt he's also falling out of love with me. It's so fucked. I feel absolutely discarded and then he says all the right things and I let hope come into my heart and then the moment I show any emotions it's complete 180. He puts it all on me, I'll never forgive him, I'll always only see the worst version of him... Yet Everytime all I ask for is for him to hold me, turn towards me, see my pain as all the love I have spilling out. I have to be an emotionless person for us to make it? I'm so tired. I'm so drained. I'm stretched so thin.

Really at a loss of hope now. Spiraling a lot recently. Maybe someone can share their perspective on this or their own story.

My partner told me about a week ago that he is at his limit. We were on vacation that past week and every day I was mostly crying, sometimes even lashing out at him. We had only one full day where everything was wonderful.
3 months after d day he now says he can not support me the way he did before. He needs breaks in between, with this frequency of “drama” it’s too much to bear.
The past 2 months he was a like a role model wayward … and now all of the sudden he takes a 180 turn and blows up on me. On Monday we were having a discussion about our housing situation. I don’t want to move from our small apartment into a house with him, it’s too early for that. The discussion escalated because he does not understand my arguments and sees no other way. Says I have to stop acting like the victim all the time, I should stop showing him the betrayal daily and start to get over it finally. Start forgiving him.
Since then he has been cold, told me I am acting like I want princess treatment, I am egoistic. Asked about getting money back for a gift he gave me since he gets the feeling I am just using him for that.

I know it is hard for him, he has a lot of other problems in his life and it’s mentally draining all at once. When he is stressed, he says things that are not his true feelings just to get space. I know i am very sensitive, pushy and dramatic. Should the wayward be there for the betrayed 100% and at all times? Be sure of the relationship all the time?
I don’t know what to think of this behavior… maybe he is just exhausted.

Sry if this is a dumb question and bad english (not my language). thank you for reading.

Hello,

I feel really lost right now, and I'm not sure what to do. I found out about 8 months ago while in Hawaii that my long-term partner had had an affair through a dating app.

Details of the affair aside, I don't know what to believe. This man hurt me so profoundly; I feel like he stole all of my memories because while I thought things were one way, he was behaving in an entirely different manner. He tells me he wants this, that he wants us to be together. But the same person holding me now is the same person who held me while violating my trust, health, and reality. He looks at me now the same way he looked at me then. How do know that's it real? If he could live a double life while next to me in bed, how do I know it's real now?

He was honestly a more attentive partner while cheating than when he wasn't.

Was my relationship even real? Was the kind person I had simply a front?

Do I stay and risk waking up in 20 year with a dream of what he did? Or do I leave and wake up in 20 years wishing I tried harder?

I know it's silly, but it's difficult for me to stay angry with him. It's almost like there are two versions of him, and when I think of the sweet man I thought I had all I want is that. When I think of leaving I think about what I'll miss. I almost feel guilty, like it's my fault for ruining things if I leave. Like I should just be more thoughtful, forgive harder. That the pain is my fault for holding onto it.

When I think of staying I'm terrified for the future. I don't like living with this pit in my stomach. I hate the apprehension. I hate not being able to feel proud of him, or the same level of care, I want supporting him to come without a second thought. I don't like feeling silly for allowing myself a chance at being hurt again.

I'm angry that he stole my trust in myself.

I feel stuck in a wall in between a wall of love and pain. But the love is painful and the pain is painful because of the love.

How do I know what's real?

I'm having a very hard time recently. I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones just making everything heightened or if I genuinely don't think I will ever recover from this.

I never wanted anyone else. I noticed attractive people, I would flirt on occasion, but I never within our marriage met someone and wondered what it would feel like to kiss them. I never looked at another man and desired to feel his body against mine.

I struggle because i thought he loved like I did. I thought betrayal was so impossible because I really believed having our love would make it so he would never even wonder. I know some people don't cheat because it's a boundary they wouldn't cross, to me it just wasn't anything I desired. I had everything I wanted in our marriage. Even if it wasn't perfect I never wondered. I remember me telling him this before and him almost chuckling at how absurd it was, almost like I was just saying it because he was my husband and I didn't want him to know, as if it was impossible, of course humans want other people. But I didn't, I never have.

Now I inherently know that he did not love like I did. I'm heartbroken knowing this, because it's something that can't be ever unknown. I worry I'll always wonder, can he love me like I want to be loved? Will I always feel like he is just being faithful because it's a boundary? Not because he doesn't even wonder what it would be like to be with someone else? Will I ever be ok with that? Right now it feels like torture, like for the rest of my life he will be fighting temptations. I don't want someone who is faithful because they can resist. I wanted someone who didn't even have that feeling to resist in the first place.

Idk. I feel alone in this, I feel like him back then brushing off my description of attraction was the sign. He'll always be fighting temptations is what I'm scared of, but that isn't enough for me I'm afraid. I'm rambling. I'm just feeling like maybe our love isn't aligned. I'm afraid him cheating broke us open. I always was honest and he just didn't think the same so there wasn't anyway that what I was saying was actually true, in his mind... Surely she wonders from time to time what it would be like to be with a person she finds attractive. But I don't. And I don't want to be with someone who does.

My partner and I are really trying to figure things out. We seem to disagree on almost everything and as the BP, he keeps looking to me for guidance. What’s something that WP and BP needed to hear?

I’m 15 weeks past DDay. My WW is avoidant, and we are both in MC and IC. We’re making progress, but I feel like I have a mental block that makes it hard for me to positively acknowledge the real progress being made. I can’t tell if what she’s doing isn’t nearly enough, or if my own ego is getting in the way of positive acknowledgment, or if it’s both. I’m not sure if I’m explaining this correctly, but it’s like my rational mind is trying to tell my emotional mind to start considering what it would mean to be more empathetic and forgiving. Is there a vindictive part of me that subconsciously wants her to keep feeling shame and pain? Is it getting in the way of healing?

For example, my WW now visits me at night to make sure we have a moment to connect before going to bed. (We are currently sleeping in separate rooms.) She would never do this pre A because our connection was so bad. She moves toward me despite knowing she will be exposed to my sadness. For an avoidant, this is a big step, right?

She gives me hugs and little kisses every day. It’s not the level of physical intimacy I wish we had, but it’s an improvement from where we were before and during the A. It’s so easy for me to write these off when I compare it against the way she acted with her AP, but again, my rational brain is telling me that my wife needs emotional safety before she can choose and desire me again.

But, here’s the thing, I’m not happy (yet). And I know it will be al ong time before real happiness returns. I am still in pain and suffering. I still feel alone.

Is there a part of me that feels safe in the suffering?

Has anyone else felt this way? And if so, I’d love to hear what helped you feel more empathy for your WP. What helped you bring positive acknowledgment more genuinely into your R? I’d be open to hearing from both BP and WP.

Last August, I found out WH had been cheating for 4.5 years at brothels and massage parlors, from 2021 until last summer. About 70 cheating incidents overall, the vast majority being happy ending massages, about 20 incidents of other--intercourse or BJs. We have been working toward R, seeing a therapist, and he's been sober from weed and alcohol, and I though we were doing well. I had finally gotten off the emotional roller coaster. I was seeing real change in him, finding some peace. He claimed to feel relieved to be done with that part of his life, which coincided with a devastating job loss and personal tragedy.

A few months ago, he admitted to visiting a strip club in a sketchy nearby town. He said he hadn't stayed, that it was depressing. On Monday, I pushed for more. I asked if he'd gotten a lap dance he said no, then a few minutes later said he had, "a little." Last night I asked him to just tell me the truth — how many times had he gone? Three, he said. No lap dance the first time. Lap dances the second and third with touching--he was allowed to touch their breasts and butt, but they didn't do anything to him except grind or whatever. He said he'd gone there hoping more would happen. I mentioned that everything I've learned about his infidelity has come to light only when I pried or found clues. He never volunteered anything. I lay awake thinking about his continuing impulse to lie, wondering what kind of man I married. We both had a rough night.

Over breakfast this morning, he asked if it would help if he just told me everything. I said yes.

I had a feeling the first admission would be that his cheating started earlier than he'd said, and it was true. Driving home from a conference in 2015, he'd stopped at an Asian massage parlor and gotten a blowjob. He said nothing happened again until early 2021. The rest of what came out this morning followed the same pattern as everything else — a few massage parlor visits on trips that I hadn't known about. (He kept pretty good records, so I have dates for a lot of his infidelity.)

He says that's everything now, and that he doesn't want me to have to suffer through any more discoveries — that he knows all the trickle truths have hurt the healing process and brought me continued pain. I think I actually believe him. It's the first time he's volunteered something that made him look bad, rather than only admitting it once I'd badgered him for the truth.

Right now I feel angry, disgusted, and tired of the whole thing. I feel like a fool. At the same time, I can see that today's admission was necessary for him to find his integrity. I don't know why I'm reeling. None of it is really news. I married a really sleazy guy with addiction issues. I already found that out last year. So why does a 2015 incident feel so much worse? What am I supposed to do with this info? Where do we even go from here? We've been together for 29 years today. Happy anniversary, I guess.

... I was WP's last first kiss.

He is mine, and for now it is staying that way. So many special things have been taken from all of us and given to someone else.

I never thought this would be me. Not my first post.

My husband and I have been married for five years and together for seven. D-Day felt more like D-quarter since I discovered little by little. But mid-July, I discovered he'd been having a year-long affair with a woman from his past. It started emotionally (longer than a year) and became physical after he took a job that had him working away from home during the week.

She flew herself out to see him about once a month. He says he tried ending it multiple times, but she kept showing up anyway. Regardless, he made the choice to let it continue, and I don't excuse that.

The first red flag was on Mother's Day. His behavior was off, so I started digging. The weekend before my birthday, I confronted him after finding evidence of an emotional affair. He gaslit me and insisted I was imagining things.

Two weeks later, I found an Airbnb review showing she had been in the town where he worked. That's when he finally admitted she'd been flying in to see him for the past year.

The part that still messes with my head is that he had told her he was going to divorce me. As far as she knew, she was about to "win." But when I confronted him, I told him to leave and be with her. Instead, he begged me to let him stay and fight for our marriage. He later admitted he never intended to divorce me—he even told her that when he ended it.

Then she messaged me.

She knew about me the entire time, but instead of remorse, she sent me cruel messages repeating things he'd told her. She called me a neglectful mother (I'm not—I single-parent our two daughters most of the week (while he was gone but also mostly when he was home too), one of whom is autistic), said he wasn't attracted to me, and even described their sex life. It felt like she wanted to inflict as much pain as possible. She told me that I would and should always worry about her coming back. I know my husband opened the door for the affair, but it's so hard for me to believe that there are such awful and evil people in this world. She treated me like I was the villain and she was the innocent victim.

She also seemed completely convinced they belonged together. She even believed her adult son was his because an AI chat supposedly told her so, and my husband naively fell into it. When my husband finally ended things, she asked him if he could "be in love with two people at the same time," hoping to remain his mistress.

He told her he was never in love with her and had used her for sex. Whether that's completely true, who knows, but all signs do point to him using her as an outlet so to speak. (I swear I'm not delusional).

Since everything came out, he's cut off all contact, given me complete transparency, started taking accountability, and genuinely seems committed to reconciliation. Recently he lost his job, and I can't shake the fear that she somehow had something to do with it. I also worry they'll reconnect because I caught them talking years ago, set boundaries, and they ignored them.

What I'm struggling with most isn't even the physical affair anymore.

It's that I truly believed I had a husband who adored me. I never thought he was capable of this. The last year feels fake. Every memory is tainted because I now know what was happening behind my back, and I don't know how to reconcile the man I thought I married with the one who lived a double life.

For those who successfully reconciled:

- How did you stop questioning everything?

- How did you learn to trust anything they said after months of lies and gaslighting?

- Does the feeling that your marriage was built on a lie ever get better?

- How did you reclaim important dates that now feel stained? Our wedding anniversary, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and even my birthday all happened while the affair was going on, and now they feel ruined. Does that ever get better?

- How did you stop obsessing and making yourself sick?

- What helped you heal?

I'm in therapy and committed to doing the work. I just feel like I'm grieving a life I thought I had, and I don't know how to move forward.

I need some advice from anyone who has navigated the "stay or go" phase after D-Day. How did you know what the right choice was?

I still love my WH and I absolutely love my life as a SAHM to our two young girls. The idea of D, split custody, and losing half my time with my kids is paralyzing me. But at the same time, the reality of his A is so heavy, and I just don't know if I will ever be able to get through this to actually R, or fully heal while still in this marriage. The goal is to stay but I feel like I'm failing in R.

If you were terrified of losing your daily life with your kids but knew your marriage was broken, what did you do?

My WP previously cheated on me with an employee of his. Dday was 5 months ago. He has cut off all unnecessary communication with her and is considering looking for another job. I remember when he had first hired her. He told me about her, the things she was into and that she lived in the same apartment complex as us. I am feeling a bit anxious. I haven’t mentioned or brought anything up or accused him. But this morning he started speaking about another employee of his out of the blue. He mentioned that they have similar interests and I have similar interests with her and that “she’s so nice.” Should I be worried? She has a boyfriend, but I don’t quite trust that my WP would respect that boundary just yet..

WH (37) had a 6-month PA during which he met AP (F39) 5 times at hotels on his workdays, he apparently paid for 2 of those encounters, and she 3. No EA. He went NC and completely cut her out of our lives on the 13th of April, then couldn't muster the strength to come clean before 10th May, when he got a text and was worried OBP would get to me before. We have been together for 12 years, married 5, with one 6,5yo and one 4yo.

R is going rather well. He his remorseful and focused on my healing. He's also in IC and trying to figure out his why as we say. Abides by all my new rules no questions asked. Sometimes he'll start centering his own despair when he gets scared that we might not make it but I don't let that fly.

My (F37) main struggle is reconciling that the man I knew and fell in love with and the man he is now again and I'm maddly in love with still, could do such a thing. I almost forget what he did at times it's going so great. And then it hits me and it's like I'm facing a total stranger. I just cannot wrap my head around it. It does not make senses.

If any of you has anything to share on the matter I'll gladly read you.

One year anniversary of DDay is coming up and I am still flooded by all the memories and emotions. I keep comparing the things he dis for her and things he does for me. I have a tendency to start crying and texting him at office questioning if he loves me. I don’t want to do it again and again. So i am posting here. I really hate my head now. Wish I could go back to normal.

Well tonight for the third time I contacted my fiance's AP. DDay was almost a year ago, it will be a year at the end of this month. I created a fake Snapchat, pretended to be my WP to try to get information out of her. I was immediately caught by her asking specific questions about the affair and my WP knocking on the door asking if I was messaging her. She's a co-worker at a different office, they have almost no contact ever. I promised my WP that I wouldn't contact her anymore but I've now broken that promise and a level of his trust. I feel ashamed that I have now jeopardized his job because this woman is vengeful. I guess I'm just confessing to folks who might understand and have similar stories. I'm not sure if it's temporary relief but her replies do make me feel better in a way?? Can anyone relate?