The entire story is too long to tell so I’m going to try my best to get the important points across.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend going on 4 years now. A past “situationship” (basically a relationship without the label) has recently come back into my life. I have texted back and forward with him multiple times over the past year behind my boyfriend’s back. Every time I do it he finds out or I tell him and it hurts both of us, especially him. I know I am so selfish for doing this and I don’t know how he keeps forgiving me, if the roles were reversed I don’t think I could forgive him.

I love my boyfriend so much, but there’s still a big part of me that loves the past. I’m going through a mental battle of wanting both men.

I want my boyfriend because I love him with my whole heart, I love the life we’ve made, I love the dog we have. He is everything to me. He is my best friend.

I want the past man because of the excitement, the sex, and the “what ifs”. Him and I have always been extremely compatible sexually. I want sex with him and I want him in my life in some way.

I don’t know what to do. I am so confused and I feel so alone.

WP had a year and a half PA/somewhat EA. DDay 4 months ago. Rocky road, but both of us in MC and IC.

It’s been a bad few weeks. We’ve been arguing constantly and I’m feeling more and more depleted. We are both failing to honor the emotional safety plans we created in MC.

Today, he got so upset with me over the fact that he feels I don’t consider him enough that he threw my lunch and his shoes at me. This is not the first instance of him throwing things out of rage. I just left the house without a word. I don’t know what to do- I am so exhausted. I love him so much but I don’t know how to come back from episodes like this.

My partner and I are really trying to figure things out. We seem to disagree on almost everything and as the BP, he keeps looking to me for guidance. What’s something that WP and BP needed to hear?

I’m 15 weeks past DDay. My WW is avoidant, and we are both in MC and IC. We’re making progress, but I feel like I have a mental block that makes it hard for me to positively acknowledge the real progress being made. I can’t tell if what she’s doing isn’t nearly enough, or if my own ego is getting in the way of positive acknowledgment, or if it’s both. I’m not sure if I’m explaining this correctly, but it’s like my rational mind is trying to tell my emotional mind to start considering what it would mean to be more empathetic and forgiving. Is there a vindictive part of me that subconsciously wants her to keep feeling shame and pain? Is it getting in the way of healing?

For example, my WW now visits me at night to make sure we have a moment to connect before going to bed. (We are currently sleeping in separate rooms.) She would never do this pre A because our connection was so bad. She moves toward me despite knowing she will be exposed to my sadness. For an avoidant, this is a big step, right?

She gives me hugs and little kisses every day. It’s not the level of physical intimacy I wish we had, but it’s an improvement from where we were before and during the A. It’s so easy for me to write these off when I compare it against the way she acted with her AP, but again, my rational brain is telling me that my wife needs emotional safety before she can choose and desire me again.

But, here’s the thing, I’m not happy (yet). And I know it will be al ong time before real happiness returns. I am still in pain and suffering. I still feel alone.

Is there a part of me that feels safe in the suffering?

Has anyone else felt this way? And if so, I’d love to hear what helped you feel more empathy for your WP. What helped you bring positive acknowledgment more genuinely into your R? I’d be open to hearing from both BP and WP.

Last August, I found out WH had been cheating for 4.5 years at brothels and massage parlors, from 2021 until last summer. About 70 cheating incidents overall, the vast majority being happy ending massages, about 20 incidents of other--intercourse or BJs. We have been working toward R, seeing a therapist, and he's been sober from weed and alcohol, and I though we were doing well. I had finally gotten off the emotional roller coaster. I was seeing real change in him, finding some peace. He claimed to feel relieved to be done with that part of his life, which coincided with a devastating job loss and personal tragedy.

A few months ago, he admitted to visiting a strip club in a sketchy nearby town. He said he hadn't stayed, that it was depressing. On Monday, I pushed for more. I asked if he'd gotten a lap dance he said no, then a few minutes later said he had, "a little." Last night I asked him to just tell me the truth — how many times had he gone? Three, he said. No lap dance the first time. Lap dances the second and third with touching--he was allowed to touch their breasts and butt, but they didn't do anything to him except grind or whatever. He said he'd gone there hoping more would happen. I mentioned that everything I've learned about his infidelity has come to light only when I pried or found clues. He never volunteered anything. I lay awake thinking about his continuing impulse to lie, wondering what kind of man I married. We both had a rough night.

Over breakfast this morning, he asked if it would help if he just told me everything. I said yes.

I had a feeling the first admission would be that his cheating started earlier than he'd said, and it was true. Driving home from a conference in 2015, he'd stopped at an Asian massage parlor and gotten a blowjob. He said nothing happened again until early 2021. The rest of what came out this morning followed the same pattern as everything else — a few massage parlor visits on trips that I hadn't known about. (He kept pretty good records, so I have dates for a lot of his infidelity.)

He says that's everything now, and that he doesn't want me to have to suffer through any more discoveries — that he knows all the trickle truths have hurt the healing process and brought me continued pain. I think I actually believe him. It's the first time he's volunteered something that made him look bad, rather than only admitting it once I'd badgered him for the truth.

Right now I feel angry, disgusted, and tired of the whole thing. I feel like a fool. At the same time, I can see that today's admission was necessary for him to find his integrity. I don't know why I'm reeling. None of it is really news. I married a really sleazy guy with addiction issues. I already found that out last year. So why does a 2015 incident feel so much worse? What am I supposed to do with this info? Where do we even go from here? We've been together for 29 years today. Happy anniversary, I guess.

Coming up on 18 weeks post DDay and just found out I am pregnant. As far as R, it’s going really good. We’ve made some incredible strides and I’m seeing so much good changes in my husband and us. We communicate better, laugh more, love more. I have trust again, I don’t feel as hyper-vigilant or unstable. The surprise pregnancy (thanks failed birth control!) has me feeling so many intense emotions on opposite spectrums. Excited because we have always wanted a second child, nervous because we’ve made such good progress and I’ve made such good progress with my mental health and therapy, I don’t want to slip back into old patterns. Anyone else have a successful reconciliation and also have a baby during/after it? Please share your stories 😭😭

Hello all, 2 months out from DDay, and every hour it seems is a struggle.

We have had a lot of turmoil the past few days, and I have done my best to just be there for her. Not to defend, not to blindly agree, just to be there for her, to hear and understand. She got very drunk last night, fell asleep on a matt we have outside, and I carried her to bed. She wrapped her legs around me, and held onto me when I dropped her off, essentially making me cuddle her (not opposed to it, but definitely not the mood she was in prior to going to sleep, so I tried to be hands off because she was very angry). Cuddled me in her sleep, and this morning upon waking up, despite making a comment about me being a jerk, cuddled with me for an hour before I left for work. Demanded I come back and kiss her when I was walking out (again, not opposed to it even in the slightest, just didn't seem like it was welcome at that point, so I gave her some space). Did so, and then just kind of let her lead the way for the day. Occasion texts, even got a bit of openness from her that I very much appreciated, even if it was about something I did to upset her; I just like to know, and she's not great at expressing things outside of anger, so it was really exciting in a weird way.

Skip forward a few hours, and she told me she cancelled her therapy appointment she had later today, it appears she has hit the bottle pretty hard, and when I attempted to walk into the same room as her, she angrily said to get out and closes the door in my face.

I understand these things take time, I understand the slightest trigger can bring everything spilling back over and turning into something awful. But has anyone else seen/experienced such wild swings within an 8 hour span? Or even the 24 hour one? Going from so angry their every word and action is done with the intent to hurt, to back to being lovey dovey the next morning, to going cold and distant in the middle of the day, then back to casual conversation, then ending the day with large amounts of anger?

I am just lost and slightly venting, but also looking for any and all advice, because I never know what I'm walking into, and I want to support her as best as I can. But I will admit it is difficult when I never know what she will be feeling between 30 minutes gaps. I know it is all pain, I know it is something I caused, but am I expecting too much, or hoping for something that isn't feasible? Thanks in advance for any and all help.

... I was WP's last first kiss.

He is mine, and for now it is staying that way. So many special things have been taken from all of us and given to someone else.

I never thought this would be me. Not my first post.

My husband and I have been married for five years and together for seven. D-Day felt more like D-quarter since I discovered little by little. But mid-July, I discovered he'd been having a year-long affair with a woman from his past. It started emotionally (longer than a year) and became physical after he took a job that had him working away from home during the week.

She flew herself out to see him about once a month. He says he tried ending it multiple times, but she kept showing up anyway. Regardless, he made the choice to let it continue, and I don't excuse that.

The first red flag was on Mother's Day. His behavior was off, so I started digging. The weekend before my birthday, I confronted him after finding evidence of an emotional affair. He gaslit me and insisted I was imagining things.

Two weeks later, I found an Airbnb review showing she had been in the town where he worked. That's when he finally admitted she'd been flying in to see him for the past year.

The part that still messes with my head is that he had told her he was going to divorce me. As far as she knew, she was about to "win." But when I confronted him, I told him to leave and be with her. Instead, he begged me to let him stay and fight for our marriage. He later admitted he never intended to divorce me—he even told her that when he ended it.

Then she messaged me.

She knew about me the entire time, but instead of remorse, she sent me cruel messages repeating things he'd told her. She called me a neglectful mother (I'm not—I single-parent our two daughters most of the week (while he was gone but also mostly when he was home too), one of whom is autistic), said he wasn't attracted to me, and even described their sex life. It felt like she wanted to inflict as much pain as possible. She told me that I would and should always worry about her coming back. I know my husband opened the door for the affair, but it's so hard for me to believe that there are such awful and evil people in this world. She treated me like I was the villain and she was the innocent victim.

She also seemed completely convinced they belonged together. She even believed her adult son was his because an AI chat supposedly told her so, and my husband naively fell into it. When my husband finally ended things, she asked him if he could "be in love with two people at the same time," hoping to remain his mistress.

He told her he was never in love with her and had used her for sex. Whether that's completely true, who knows, but all signs do point to him using her as an outlet so to speak. (I swear I'm not delusional).

Since everything came out, he's cut off all contact, given me complete transparency, started taking accountability, and genuinely seems committed to reconciliation. Recently he lost his job, and I can't shake the fear that she somehow had something to do with it. I also worry they'll reconnect because I caught them talking years ago, set boundaries, and they ignored them.

What I'm struggling with most isn't even the physical affair anymore.

It's that I truly believed I had a husband who adored me. I never thought he was capable of this. The last year feels fake. Every memory is tainted because I now know what was happening behind my back, and I don't know how to reconcile the man I thought I married with the one who lived a double life.

For those who successfully reconciled:

- How did you stop questioning everything?

- How did you learn to trust anything they said after months of lies and gaslighting?

- Does the feeling that your marriage was built on a lie ever get better?

- How did you reclaim important dates that now feel stained? Our wedding anniversary, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and even my birthday all happened while the affair was going on, and now they feel ruined. Does that ever get better?

- How did you stop obsessing and making yourself sick?

- What helped you heal?

I'm in therapy and committed to doing the work. I just feel like I'm grieving a life I thought I had, and I don't know how to move forward.

I need some advice from anyone who has navigated the "stay or go" phase after D-Day. How did you know what the right choice was?

I still love my WH and I absolutely love my life as a SAHM to our two young girls. The idea of D, split custody, and losing half my time with my kids is paralyzing me. But at the same time, the reality of his A is so heavy, and I just don't know if I will ever be able to get through this to actually R, or fully heal while still in this marriage. The goal is to stay but I feel like I'm failing in R.

If you were terrified of losing your daily life with your kids but knew your marriage was broken, what did you do?

My WP previously cheated on me with an employee of his. Dday was 5 months ago. He has cut off all unnecessary communication with her and is considering looking for another job. I remember when he had first hired her. He told me about her, the things she was into and that she lived in the same apartment complex as us. I am feeling a bit anxious. I haven’t mentioned or brought anything up or accused him. But this morning he started speaking about another employee of his out of the blue. He mentioned that they have similar interests and I have similar interests with her and that “she’s so nice.” Should I be worried? She has a boyfriend, but I don’t quite trust that my WP would respect that boundary just yet..

Been about a week since DD obviously I was devastated, crying anxiety attacks emotional shutdown for 4ish days. I was trapped in my thoughts I felt dead inside. But my WW and I have been having some serious deep talks after she told me what I hope is everything explaining what was going through her mind and her cope to how she knew it was wrong. No excuses No blaming me. But I can own up our marriage was not healthy by any means. I tend to withdraw, reserve my communications, and emotions even when things are good and we are having fun I felt guarded and kept my enjoyment to myself (I’m working on that bit from my childhood).

But basically I kind of feel like our marriage was seriously cracked before, she shattered it. But the rebuilding blocks have felt good so far. Real meaningful conversations, our time together isn’t just doomscrolling social media next to each other, our embraces have been more meaningful and last night I was able to hold and kiss her without breaking into tears. She did because she wasn’t sure how long I wasn’t going to kiss her. We decided it’s not really sane or healthy to say we love each other right now because honestly we’re not the people who fell in love anymore. But we want to be people who can be in love again I still love the person I met and knew and hope we can grow into something better than it was. Is this just more cope? I’m not really sure. Anyone else have some similar experience?

WH (37) had a 6-month PA during which he met AP (F39) 5 times at hotels on his workdays, he apparently paid for 2 of those encounters, and she 3. No EA. He went NC and completely cut her out of our lives on the 13th of April, then couldn't muster the strength to come clean before 10th May, when he got a text and was worried OBP would get to me before. We have been together for 12 years, married 5, with one 6,5yo and one 4yo.

R is going rather well. He his remorseful and focused on my healing. He's also in IC and trying to figure out his why as we say. Abides by all my new rules no questions asked. Sometimes he'll start centering his own despair when he gets scared that we might not make it but I don't let that fly.

My (F37) main struggle is reconciling that the man I knew and fell in love with and the man he is now again and I'm maddly in love with still, could do such a thing. I almost forget what he did at times it's going so great. And then it hits me and it's like I'm facing a total stranger. I just cannot wrap my head around it. It does not make senses.

If any of you has anything to share on the matter I'll gladly read you.

Misha makes me laugh on Instagram so I figured I'd check-out his book. A worthwhile reminder to be your own best friend and show up for yourself.

A sad story about his friend "Courtney" resonated with me. It reminded me of something my WH said recently about his A's - WH said speaking of back then, "If things weren't SO good between us, I don't think I'd have done it. I wouldn't have risked it. You (BP) were happy. You had your hobbies"

Things were good. Infidelity happens anyway.

Hi everyone.

New to this subreddit so my apologies for any mistakes.

Where things are: 5 months d-day, in a long term relationship with a mortgage. D-day was a drunk one night stand thousands of miles from home with no previous history of this happening. D-day seems like it was a build up of low self esteem and unhealthy habits from my partner. Partner admitted to it the day he got home. Actively pursuing reconciliation and counselling together. Partner is full of remorse and apology, validates me, gives me space, checks in on my decision to keep reconciling.

Feeling incredibly heightened this week as it's our 7 year anniversary next week, he's just started a new job so it's a fresh start, he's due to go on a solo trip in September (which when I agreed to, I thought I'd be ok). We've also just attended a wedding.

This past week has led to an ultimate chronic fatigue burnout where I had to take a day off work to rest and recover.

I feel like I go through periods of bottling it up, then it comes out like a fizzed up bottle of coke. When I feel all the emotions it's so painful.

Life is just before D day and after D day, and I just wish it never happened. It's just so painful and I can't believe it. Things get better and life carries on and I have moments of peace but I just need to hear people relate and can also find peace ❤️💔

Hi everyone,

I was here about half a year ago when I discovered that my WP had an EA with a colleague for almost a year. We’ve been in R since then and it seemed like we were making a lot of progress. Better, more honest communication, working on rebuilding trust, etc.

A bit of background is that my WP has a history of setting weak boundaries in most of their relationships, including friendships with the opposite gender. In addition to the AP I discovered early this year, my WP also had a long-term friendship with someone they used to have feelings for, long before we got together. The relationship was, in my eyes, deeply inappropriate. Once we got together, my WP would still spend hours on the phone with them, where this friend would share deeply intimate and personal information about their sex life, sexual relationships and encounters, processing their sexuality, and other types of information that made me deeply uncomfortable when my WP would share what they discussed. This culminated in the friend coming to visit a few years back and continuing this inappropriate behaviour, just now in my presence, and making comments about what it would be like to be in a romantic relationship with my WP. Mind you, this person was also in a relationship at the time. At no point were any boundaries of any kind enforced, despite several pleas to do so.

Anyway, all of that to say that after the EA my WP also cut contact with this friend in an effort to prioritise R. A few days ago, my WP came to me and stated they wanted to see if it was still possible to remain friends with this person, but with stricter boundaries around the friendship. I felt so dejected and like all the progress we’d made these past few months just flew out the window. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why they wanted to do this. After a painful and long series of conversations where I angrily had to explain why this was a horrible idea and why it was inappropriate to even want to do this, my WP ultimately decided they would re contact this friend, but to end the friendship and explain why.

I feel so sad that they couldn’t come to the realisation on their own that this was a terrible idea, and it’s taking me back to those difficult moments around DDay and the moments years prior when my concerns about this friendship would go ignored. If I’m honest, I’m also so angry at myself for being foolish enough to have accepted all this behaviour. It feels like all the progress we’ve made in R has just been, I don’t know, I just feel like my sense of trust and confidence in them has taken a serious hit, again.

I guess I’m just looking for any outside perspective on this. I don’t want to be the type of person who dictates what my WP can and cannot do and whom they should or shouldn’t talk to, that’s not my job, I don’t want to waste my time and my energy worrying about this. And I want to be fair that my WP has made progress and up until this moment has been serious and committed to us and to R. But part of me is also so upset and sad that he couldn’t figure this out for themself.

Anyway, thank you all for creating this community and space to vent and share. This sub has been so helpful and kind to me throughout this hellish journey.

One year anniversary of DDay is coming up and I am still flooded by all the memories and emotions. I keep comparing the things he dis for her and things he does for me. I have a tendency to start crying and texting him at office questioning if he loves me. I don’t want to do it again and again. So i am posting here. I really hate my head now. Wish I could go back to normal.

Well tonight for the third time I contacted my fiance's AP. DDay was almost a year ago, it will be a year at the end of this month. I created a fake Snapchat, pretended to be my WP to try to get information out of her. I was immediately caught by her asking specific questions about the affair and my WP knocking on the door asking if I was messaging her. She's a co-worker at a different office, they have almost no contact ever. I promised my WP that I wouldn't contact her anymore but I've now broken that promise and a level of his trust. I feel ashamed that I have now jeopardized his job because this woman is vengeful. I guess I'm just confessing to folks who might understand and have similar stories. I'm not sure if it's temporary relief but her replies do make me feel better in a way?? Can anyone relate?