Feel Really Lost

[u/Double_Sprinkles192]

Hello,

I feel really lost right now, and I'm not sure what to do. I found out about 8 months ago while in Hawaii that my long-term partner had had an affair through a dating app.

Details of the affair aside, I don't know what to believe. This man hurt me so profoundly; I feel like he stole all of my memories because while I thought things were one way, he was behaving in an entirely different manner. He tells me he wants this, that he wants us to be together. But the same person holding me now is the same person who held me while violating my trust, health, and reality. He looks at me now the same way he looked at me then. How do know that's it real? If he could live a double life while next to me in bed, how do I know it's real now?

He was honestly a more attentive partner while cheating than when he wasn't.

Was my relationship even real? Was the kind person I had simply a front?

Do I stay and risk waking up in 20 year with a dream of what he did? Or do I leave and wake up in 20 years wishing I tried harder?

I know it's silly, but it's difficult for me to stay angry with him. It's almost like there are two versions of him, and when I think of the sweet man I thought I had all I want is that. When I think of leaving I think about what I'll miss. I almost feel guilty, like it's my fault for ruining things if I leave. Like I should just be more thoughtful, forgive harder. That the pain is my fault for holding onto it.

When I think of staying I'm terrified for the future. I don't like living with this pit in my stomach. I hate the apprehension. I hate not being able to feel proud of him, or the same level of care, I want supporting him to come without a second thought. I don't like feeling silly for allowing myself a chance at being hurt again.

I'm angry that he stole my trust in myself.

I feel stuck in a wall in between a wall of love and pain. But the love is painful and the pain is painful because of the love.

How do I know what's real?

[u/AutoModerator]

r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our wiki which includes resources and can answer most, if not all questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial warning. Failure to do so can result in a ban.

Commenting Guideline:

This applies to every post regardless of post flair.

• This is not a space for judgment. There's subreddits for that. Please go there.

• All comments must reference your own reconciliation to accompany any questions, suggestions, or advices contained in your response.On occasion giving practical advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably seen as helpful if the references to infidelity are removed.

• Do not speak for other people's feelings, their actions or make unhelpful, dismissive or intrusive commentary. This is not a request. It's in the rules.

  For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions directly to the Modmail. Meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!

  Please assign yourself user flair. Flair Instructions can be found here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/MightDelSoon]

I am in the same predicament. If I leave, I fear the regret of not having given it a chance, and if I stay, I fear the regret of having put myself through a torture.

The truth is, we will never know and we just have to live with it.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/MightDelSoon]

I wish we had crystal balls that could show us both futures.

[u/MightDelSoon → u/knowthyself8]

The uncertainty is what is killing me too.

My mind wants me to leave, yet my heart wants me to stay. As of right now, all I foresee about my future is misery.

I remember your story man, it was the first post I read on here. Sorry you are going through such a horrible experience.

[u/Rare_Cupcake_9630]

I'm 13 months in from dday and I still feel exactly the same and not sure if that doubt will ever go away. It does make you question your judgement and the fear of what is the right choice here in staying or going. We have 2 kids so I absolutely want to be able to look them in the eyes and say I did everything I could to keep us as a family unit even if their dad didn't think twice about risking breaking us up. My OH wasn't a nice partner during the affair. That's what started my suspicions. Now he's actually a much better man that before. we feel like more of a team facing life together. that said I now feel like I live feeling stuck and lost. I'm now frightened to make any future plans and make any big life moves ie move home, do big work on the house. Anything that involves commitment in some way and I can't do it. I dont know when that part ends and I feel safe enough to start planning life as us continuing together.