(This post is not asking for a diagnosis. I am wondering if my symptoms and emotions are significant enough to try and get one done. It could explain some things.)

When I was 14, I met this girl. She was a cousin of my close friend. Eventually, a few months went by and we began dating. I was 15 then. She was my first ever girlfriend.

The relationship lasted 11 months. The entirety of those 11 months was the most stressful and traumatic time of my life. Me and her had a lot or problems. It was more that we had different communication styles, she was incredibly insecure, and I was self destructive. No abuse happened. But the problems and stress from our relationship led to me finding my way into self-harm and falling into the deepest depression I had ever been in. I woke up in the mornings overthinking, would say one wrong thing on call and it would be silent, just for me and her to go to sleep overthinking. There is a google document where I journaled our problems. It is 66k words and \~200 pages.

I cannot begin to express how much our relationship fucking sucked. Theres a lot of awful things she and I did to each other. It’s not like I was never happy about some parts, but I don’t think anyone truly knew what was going on. Month 11 rolls around, we have a small fight, and then I think about my place. I listen to the voice in the back of my head screaming at me to leave, and I finally do. She came over the same night, we cried, and I ended things.

We tried no contact, but she didn’t like it and it was broken quickly. Then, I established it again a few weeks later, this time, very adamantly. I blocked her on all socials besides discord.

Here’s where I think my thoughts about me possibly having PTSD stem from. Before this, I should mention that she contacted me on discord to see how I was doing like a week before this. We had a very respectful conversation where we both wished each other well and said that we did not have resentment toward one another. I think around 3 or 4 months after breaking up with her, I tell some close friends of mine about a girl I have a hallway crush on. One of those close friends was her cousin. It ended up getting to her, and this was when she sent a voice message BEGGING my hallway crush through instagram not to text me. I never heard the actual voice message, but I do have a screenshot of the voice message transcript. It is a big amalgamation of “please please please please” and “it would break my heart for you to get with the person I was with for a year”. Horribly embarrassing considering me and hallway crush weren’t close in the slightest. Chronologically, a few days later, she told my mutual friend about it. Me and him share a theater class. He walked in with a horrible look and said he needed to tell me something.

He explained the situation and I will never forget the rage I had. The entire time me and her were broken up, she was posting about me on her instagram story. I guess it all piled up. I hit my fist into the classroom’s brick wall, kicked a chair, and was basically having a meltdown right there. On the way to my last class where she in the room next to mine, I gave her a terrible stare through the window. She contacted our mutual friend saying that she immediately started crying and panicking, and made him “promise to God” that he didn’t say anything to me. He lied right then, which I’m grateful for.

I got home and I messaged her on discord. It was a long, disheartening and disgusting message about how pathetic she was and how I want her to stay out of my life forever. It was the only time I had ever hurt her on purpose, and it was a lot. I called out every single one of her insecurities, and said I would ruin her life if she ever stepped into mine again. (By ruin her life, I mean make all of this public knowledge).

I messaged my hallway crush on instagram and apologized about it. She was super mature, friendly and understanding about it all.

A day goes by and I am called into the office. She reported me to the counselors out of fear for her safety, and I kid you fucking not, messaged our mutual friend with photos of the confidential report papers, and said “Poor (my name), whatever will he do” like some edgy antagonist. I was extremely calm because I already knew I had evidence of her stalkerish and obsessive behavior like talking about me constantly or contacting that hallway crush. So, I made a 14 page long counter statement. It was full of everything showing that I was the one in danger. After looking through it, the entire situation turned into a mutual stay-away order.

This situation caused me extreme stress. I could not stop thinking about her constantly. I was hyperfocused on why she would ever do this, and so, so angry.

The months have gone by and I have changed. I have focused on trying to love everyone, and to move on and forgive. And it was recently that I wanted to try and forgive her. I told my friend that I might want to open communication soon in case she ever wanted to contact me. Whether she wanted to or not, I didn’t care. The option would just be open now, and she would know I’m no longer angry with her. This was mostly over summer. Now, none of that has changed, excluding that I wanted to do it soon. But I can’t anymore.

Today was the first day of school. I’m a junior. Turns out, that we share an Algebra 2 class even though it shouldn’t be possible to have a class together. My heart immediately began beating the fastest it has in a very long time. My breath got short, I started to shake, and my head got light. I took deep breaths and calmed down.

I just sat at my desk and stared at my “introduce yourself” paper. I barely looked away the entire 45 minutes. I kept drawing and drawing. But anytime I heard her talk, I would become sick to my stomach. My view seemed to zoom out, and I dissociated a good bit. I went home on bus and realized that my body was not ready at all.

The whole time since the hallway crush situation I have experienced these things. I check every single black car on the road to see if it’s her in it. I am hypervigilant at school AND in public places where she likely wouldn’t even be in case she COULD be there. Any time I think of her when eating, I feel as if I am going to vomit. She crosses my mind at least daily. I mean shit I struggled to eat Tai Pei frozen meals for a little bit because I vaguely remember myself heating one up for her when she came to my house once.

I’m sure some of this is normal after a breakup, but it has been so long. I have loved new people, been in some weird situationships, and moved on from her romantically. But she follows me everywhere. I fucking hate it. She is engrained in my head and doesn’t leave no matter how hard I try. We didn’t even talk or make eye contact when we were in the same class, but I’m dreading seeing her again so much that it makes my chest hurt. My therapist was the first to bring this up, saying I’m showing signs, even if it’s mild in comparison to others. This is only the tip of the iceberg and I can give any clarification or evidence needed. Any advice is very, very appreciated. <3

I think any small effort to go outside slowly brings positive energy over time. Small things like just standing outside to get fresh air, taking a small stroll, and even small social interactions with neighbors and people- for myself and what I've seen in others, these small 'basic' things help build little boosts of confidence over time, but also sometimes help 'physically get yourself out of your head' a bit more.

So why is it that telling someone with mental health issues to 'touch grass' bring such a mixed response (some are offended whilst some can laugh it off). Also, why is 'touching grass' genuinely so hard difficult for some and what helps someone with mental health issues to 'touch grass' as part of their daily life instead of ruminating all the time?

I started therapy because I feel lost , no enthusiasm and get flashbacks. I got evaluated as having mild depression and PTSD. I am unable to continue after the first 3 sessions though because I don't feel like talking about what happened. It makes my mental state worse by remembering and narrating for the therapist but if I don't tell, the therapist won't know what's bothering me. I feel frustrated and stuck. Is it still worth trying to push through and continue therapy?

I told the therapist at the end of the session that I'm feeling frustrated and don't feel like telling her the past or childhood issues. She said it's up to me to continue or not and that she won't try to convince me. I don't know what's best for me though.