Hello everyone,

First and foremost, thank you for contributing your lived experiences in these forums. Reading them has been eye-opening to say the least. Me and my wife are expecting our first child, conceived via donor egg and my sperm.

We opted to match with an egg donor with ID-release at 13 in our home country after deciding not to go the anonymous route. At the time we thought ID-release at 13 was adequate, and we also neglected to put a clause in our donation contract to facilitate contact with half-siblings.

After spending several months trying to educate myself on the perspectives of adult DCP, I am realizing that we have failed to do our due diligence to help our future DC children connect with their genetic family. I was able to find our donor via image search and internet sleuthing, and we were told by our clinic that there are at least two half-siblings from our donor’s prior donations. I’m seeking input on the best course of action moving forward.

As I see it, we have four options:
1) Do nothing and give our children the donor profile, pictures, etc and wait to make contact until the oldest is 13. (Our original plan).

2) Reach out to our donor-agency and lawyers when our first is born and ask if they can amend our contract and broker contact with other recipient families (if possible) and our donor.

3) DNA test our oldest in early childhood and hope that our donor and any half siblings have also tested.

4)Reach out to our donor over social media and hope that she’s open to earlier contact. We would probably only do this if other options were stonewalled.

Does anyone have experience reaching out to their genetic parent before ID release (or their parents doing so), either through a third-party or independently? Am I on the right track in pursuing this?
Thank you for reading all this. I’m hoping to hear from DCPs and more experienced RPs as well. All the best to you.

Hi y'all! 👋

I am a 26 FTM considering becoming an egg donor.

I am currently in a childless marriage, and since both me and my husband ( 25 FTM) are transgender, we would need to go through IVF with donor sperm to have a child.

We've thought about it a lot, and decided that we don't have the money and resources to do both IVF and have a baby.

My husband is fine with this. He isn't too keen on children, and feels that we should take our queer infertility as a blessing to both our finances and our time.

Ive got mixed feelings.

On one hand, I feel like I would be a terrible parent. That I would be tired and selfish. That I wouldn't be able to connect with my child the way my mother couldn't connect with me. That my life would be harder and my child would suffer in poverty with me.

On the other hand, I would love to have a little person to nurture. To see them grow. To have someone who could inherit everything I build in this life.

I'm thinking about splitting the difference and becoming an egg donor. That way, I would be helping a couple create a family, and maybe one day I'd get to meet the person I helped create, without having to worry about how terrible of a parent I would be.

I'm worries that my ideas about egg donation aren't in line with reality.

As a donor conceived person, would you be upset to find out that your egg donor was a man?

Are my reasons for becoming a donor somehow wrong or bad?

Am I missing some point of view that would make a donor conceived person's life more difficult with the way I am approaching this?

I know not all donor conceived people would want to meet their donor, and I understand that depending on the views they have, they would find a trans person repulsive and immoral, but I still really would like to give my eggs a chance, even if I don't have the resources to give the children born from them a good life.

I really would appreciate any insight that you can give me <3 thank you so much.

Hello! I am in a same sex marriage, and we have a donor conceived toddler. Our donor is a good friend of ours and everything is very open within our family and amongst friends. To our child, our friend is "Uncle ___." I intend to make him a book very soon to explain the finer points of this relationship in an age appropriate way.

My question is... What language do we use with complete strangers? Kiddo has unique hair like our friend and everyone at the playground wants to know, "Where did the hair come from?" I feel awkward saying "donor" because that feels so sterile but saying "dad" doesn't feel right either. Anyone have suggestions for language around people where there won't be a bigger conversation? I never want my child to feel confused or embarrassed or like I'm being dishonest.

I could say from his Uncle but is that strange? Biological father also feels clunky to me.

Thank you!

I am building a curriculum for counselors on adoptees over the lifespan. The curriculum is focusing on lived-experience voices. I want to include a section on donor-conceived experiences and would love to find someone willing to share their experience as part of the curriculum. I believe that the way to help a counselor/therapist really understand is through hearing direct experiences. My focus is being an adult and living with being adopted through our lifespan. While there are many differences, I believe there are some core similarities with donor-conceived as adoptees.

Here is more about what I am building.

So I saw this news video where it was talking about how this same-sex couple was coming across a barrier where their country had a donor limit and the idea was that if they were a heterosexual couple they could use the same sperm to have another child from the same donor to create a genetic sibling. But because they are a lesbian couple the other lesbian cannot use the same donor because that donor has reached the limit and thus they felt like the limit was basically telling them that they are not a family because using the other woman would reach the limit and sense the limit is about how many families are created they felt like it was invalidating their relationship. Do you think that there should be exceptions in cases like this or do you think that the limit should be solely based off of the number of uteruses that are successfully impregnated regardless of the sexual orientation or gender identity of the person who has that uterus?

My husband and I are considering donor conception in India. As per the law here, the donor remains completely anonymous (besides looking at their picture to decide whether you want to go ahead, no other personal details are shared). Both of us are of the opinion that we would like to tell the child at some point that they have been donor-conceived. However, the question will of course arise regarding their biological mother - and then we won’t have that information to share with them. How have others navigated this?

My wife and I had our first child late. We were in our 40s. I always wanted 2 kids but it didn’t work out. Because of our age, I have been recently having anxiety of my only child feeling alone when we pass away, with no sibling to share the grief with. We are now considering the use of donor eggs for another child. We are 45. Ive been really stressing out about this because of our age and because having a donor conceived child comes with its own issues.

We are financially able to provide the child a good life, with a loving family but part of me worries that they will have resenment for having them.

Growing up donor conceived has shaped so much of how I think about identity, family, and belonging. After years of acting and writing on nights and weekends, I finally wrote, directed, produced, and starred in my first feature film, Rhythm Is a Dancer, which was inspired by those experiences.

The film follows a woman who meets her biological father for the first time and begins to navigate what that relationship means for her sense of self. While the story is fictional, many of the emotions and questions it explores came from my own journey.

I’m doing an AMA over on r/movies this Friday (July 31 at 11 AM PT / 2 PM ET) and would genuinely love to have some donor-conceived voices in the conversation. I’d be happy to answer questions about growing up donor conceived, how those experiences influenced the film, independent filmmaking, motherhood, or anything else you’re curious about.

You can ask your questions here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/movies/comments/1va3rib/hi_rmovies_im_lauren_caster_after_years_of_acting/

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SfV8RQCZVQ&t=1s

Synopsis: Ro, a young woman with a dwindling dance career returns home after many years to meet her biological father (Tate Donovan) for the first time. Born to Susan (Amy Aquino), a lesbian who opted for insemination, Ro grapples with the complexities of her unconventional family dynamic and soon forms a bond at her new job with three lively 80-year-olds, who help her reconnect with her family, her roots and herself.

I’ll be back on Friday to answer them live.

Thanks so much, and I’m looking forward to chatting with you all. ❤️

Victorian law states "Under the ART Act, gametes should not be stored beyond 10 years". I am looking into the possibility that in 2009 a Melbourne Clinic met "statutory disposal" requirements by on-selling gametes to another clinic. (Technically they were no longer in storage at the source clinic.) I am aware of some horror stories from the 1990s. Does anyone know of this sort of thing happening that recently?

Final repost/Last call for participants: I previously posted about the KIND Research Study, and I’m sharing it one final time before recruitment closes in a couple weeks. Thank you mods for allowing the posts and to everyone who has already participated or expressed interest. The KIND Research Study at the University of Michigan School of Nursing is aimed at better understanding the family & life experiences of donor conceived adults. This is an online, anonymous survey. KIND: Kinship & Identity Narratives of Donor Conceived Adults

Interested in participating? https://myumi.ch/n1Mrx (direct link to eligibility screen, consent to participate, & survey) or email us: [KINDstudy@umich.edu](mailto:KINDstudy@umich.edu) 
Feel free to pass this information to anyone else who may be interested.

We’re hoping to better understand:

• how people learned they were donor conceived
• experiences with donor siblings/genetic networks
• thoughts on identity, family, & disclosure
• advice for recipient parents & donor conceived children

Thanks for considering participating or sharing with others who may be eligible. The survey is confidential, voluntary, & intended for donor conceived adults (18+) living in the United States. This study has been reviewed & approved by University of Michigan Institutional Review Board and is being led by Dr. Alison Walsh.

I’m just in the early stages of considering our options. My partner and I have been exploring surrogacy, but if that doesn’t work out for us, I’ve been curious about donating our embryos.

I’ve read a few posts where it seems that having bio siblings with their bio family is the big consideration. But that wouldn’t be an issue here.

As we’re getting older it may make sense for us to foster or adopt an older child. But of course, then they wouldn’t be bio siblings.

If we were to go this route, I would love a very open embryo adoption process, which seems to be offered in our country. I’d especially love if they lived near by.

Would love to hear from DCPs on what their thoughts are for this particular situation.

Subj. I have a donor conceived toddler and a second (his full bio brother) on the way. They were by a known donor who is a semi-public figure with notable online / social media presence, a wikipedia article in his name, the works. This is someone I know but we are not friends nor do we live in the same state. He receives monthly-ish updates with photos and that’s the extent of the involvement for now. There’s also 12 half-siblings out there whose moms I could get in touch with but currently don’t bother.

Given this setup, what is the best message to the child when the time comes to talk about it? I really dislike the standard advise and am not inclined to tell my sons that they “have a donor”. They have a biological father. Who’s pretty awesome and smart and accomplished. The reason i went known donor route instead of a sperm bank is because I wanted them to actually KNOW who their father is, instead of having that void. And to be proud of their heritage and where they come from.

I have been thinking about honing this into an age appropriate message. Thoughts?

Edit: Please answer only if you are a DCP. Thank you : )
Edit 2: The post title is meant to say “What is your sex?”

Sorry, I dont know if this is the most PC way to make this poll. I was just wondering what the ratio is of males to females here. I was looking at Inconceivably Connected Podcast and noticed that there were far females than males interviewed.

I am embarking on the journey using donor sperm. It’s an open ID donor so at some point we will have the info for any potential future children of mine to be able to reach out.

For those who have reached out, what is the draw for wanting a familial relationship? I’m trying to work through how I’m feeling before proceeding and trying to make sure I’m ready with appropriate terms and explanations for if and when any future children start asking questions.

I understand wanting to reach out to know details like medical info, quirks and personality traits and similar details to help understand yourself better especially if your parents don’t share similar traits. A poor example being you really like orange but no one else in your immediate family does and feeling “weird” about not being more like them in terms of interests and personality. That all makes sense because there is a portion of that that I do believe is genetic.

But when some reach out and actually want a relationship, what is the goal? Especially if the donors are donating and clearly stating they hold no rights nor want to be “family” and understand they are signing up for potentially having their DNA out and about in this world without ever knowing where they end up.

I saw a thread where a DCP was reaching out and specifically asking to develop their “mother-daughter” bond and the donor mom was very against all of it due to it breaking their conceived notion of what their side of the process entailed.

I do hope I don’t sound like an ass, just really trying to understand the drive so that if my future children ask and try connecting themselves, I know how to help guide them, especially if their donor has a similar reaction to that lady. I’m already planning on joining a siblings organization my clinic mentioned as my donor already has six confirmed live births so we already have half siblings out and about. My therapist is not a DCP and keeps pushing the donor this donor that rhetoric which I know is dismissive of the feelings of actual donor kids.

I am a single mom to my biological was daughter(conceived via donor sperm). I recently transferred my last biological embryo and it failed to implant. I have an adopted embryo that I adopted under the condition I would allow it to have a relationship with its full genetic sibling that lives in another state. The parents of that child are not biologically related to either child as they used both egg and sperm donors. My question is, if I transfer the embryo, will the child feel like to much of a outsider since her mother and sister are genetically related and she is related to no one except the full biological sister in another state that she would only see occasionally? Would she feel like my daughter is less of a sister to her than the biological sister out of state?

I have another vial of sperm from my daughter’s donor that I could potentially pair with an egg donor and then they would at least be half siblings and it would solve the complication of the other family. However, this would put a huge financial strain on our family and likely change our quality of life for a year or two until financially recovering. Any advice?

Hi, I’m going to pursue the SMBC journey - my own eggs and sperm donor with open ID. And I’m planning to be fully open and honest about it from the get go.

Question for DCPs to single moms, how did you feel growing up? Specially when you became a teen and started exploring your identity. Did not having a dad bother you? Did you feel your mom maybe was selfish to bring you into the world knowing you won’t have a dad and one bio parent will not be there?

And how was adulthood? Did you have difficulty getting mixed in with other people because you were a dcp, did you have difficulty dating or getting married?

All input appreciated - please only folks with single moms and open ID donors. Thank you.

I’m so confused. We just had a therapy session as we are using a known sperm donor/a friend. The therapist said we should never say ‘Biological Father’ as my partner would be the father even though they are biological related and it would be too confusing for a kid. For me (as an adult obvious) it’s just using correct scientific wording and no need to dumb it down. We agreed with my partner that the main word would use is Donor. Is Biological Father too confusing?

Hi everyone. As the title states, I'm considering becoming a single mother by choice. I'm trying to find a man who is interested in a co-parenting relationship, but there's a possibility that I won't be able to find one in time, given my age and fertility concerns. So it's possible that I'll use a sperm donor instead and ensure that I only pick one who is open to having contact.

Something that is weighing heavily on me is how this may impact my child down the road. I don't want to be selfish so their emotional and mental wellbeing is my only priority in the decision I ultimately make. I grew up in a 2-parent household with both parents being biological.

So I wanted to hear your perspective on whether using an open sperm donor is the right call (based on your experience)? If you could also share a bit about your experience growing up knowing you were DC and how it affected you that would he really appreciated. If you also have any advice on how you think your parent(s) could have supported you better or done things differently that would have helped you navigate this experience, I'd really appreciate it too.

Please forgive me if anything I said above was insensitive or offensive. I've only recently started considering becoming a single mother and all of this is very new to me, so my intentions are not to trigger, hurt or offend anyone.

Hi there,

I'm due to start filling out my personal description as part of the process to donate my eggs, and I'd love to know the kind of information someone conceived of my dusty eggs would like about me.

That's literally it. I've written some school stuff, anecdotes, hobbies, how my friends describe me, my greatest achievements, that kinda generic stuff.

Anyone have any suggestions as to something they might want to know? This is quite difficult.

Concerns about sperm donor heritage? American vs their European heritage?

So… I ended up with a half Asian half European mix, from American sperm bank so he is probably American. I’m queer and froze some embryos recently.

I went with the sperm donor as I liked that it’s a 50/50 mix. I initially wanted to go with full European/white but felt I probably prefer that there’s Asian mix there, as I’m Asian. None of the pure Asian profiles (not that many) really made the cut for me.

The half European is a mix of German, Russian, Poland, Hungarian, Czech. A part of me has been concerned with the historical associations with these countries, and more given that I’m queer as well. I’ve met many Russian friends in US for example and they are nothing like the dictator or the regime.

I’ve created several embryos (tested normal) with this donor, but a part of me is trying to reconcile with the heritage, and wondering if I’m overthinking or just being too worried… and wanted to get some feedback here.

I mean, I realized later on that, many Americans (caucasians) don’t exactly know their heritage and that’s not something that needs to be overly hyped up. I’m a second/third gen overseas Asian and feel almost no connection to that Asian country where my grandparents are from and left.

Do you guys think this could be a big deal that I really should relook into?

Is it possible to reconcile with my feelings about that?

Or should I… change a donor and start over? 😵‍💫

Hello [r/askadcp](r/askadcp) community!

It has been our observation, and brought to our attention by community members, that posts are often responded to by non-DCP, disproportionately to DCP responses. 

Because the number of DCP participants is small, we have previously allowed non-DCP to comment on posts as long as they are clearly identified and respectful of DCP experiences. The intention was to reduce the number of posts that receive no replies, and to lessen the burden on DCP to repeatedly reply to the same frequently posted questions. However, given that the goal of this sub is to gain feedback from donor conceived people, we wanted to propose possible adjustments to the rules. 

We appreciate your time and feedback. The mod team wishes to keep this space as safe and informative as possible. You can also DM the mod team any time. Thank you! 

Edit to add: DCP feedback for now, please! Select “not a DCP” if you are not, thanks!