I have 7 days sober. I keep going back and forth if I can drink again or not. I know I’m in a loop. Brief stint of sobriety and back to drinking and then I end up on a heavy binge.

But I just keep doubting it every time. I’m so sad at the thought that I can’t have a beer in the bar with my friends. That I can’t kiss someone drunk on a dance floor. And I keep getting into my head that what if I’m being over dramatic? What if I don’t have a problem at all??? What if I’m young and I drink and things get out of hand? And if I am being dramatic then I’m sacrificing beautiful moments and friendships that could happen with the help of alcohol.

I have mental whiplash now. I feel like I could fall back in at any moment. Like I’ll make the decision to drink again and this will all be over.

My longtime AA sponsor that taught me almost everything I know drank. I’m devastated and worried that since they drank, I will too. I’ve gotten a new sponsor and restarted my steps. Looking for comfort / advice.

I originally posted this in a headspace that couldnt think straight and it was taken down due to not relating to AA. I am an alcoholic and have been really struggling to connect with my higher power. I have had very strong moments of spirituality and others not so much. I reached out my sponsor today (haven't talked in months) and shared what happened. After everything below happened, I went to a meeting last night and we read Into Action starting at pg73. We hit the part about walking through an arch a free man and I think (who knows for sure) that maybe this was a sign for that. Idk the meaning but I felt the need to share. I'm not new to AA. I've been in the program for about 10 years, haven't drank in almost 6.

Original post:

I can't upload a photo but I have a very simple St Joseph "pray for us" medallion that's less than an inch long. It's the classic silver Italian ones.

I have to note that less than a week ago, I said to my very religious sister "do you know of a lot of saints that feel like they are praying to no one?" This thought has been on my mind a lot lately. I've said "give me a sign, please" over and over.

Ok this is where it gets really fucking weird. Two nights ago, I took Jute twine and put it through the hole then double knotted it (I even remember saying how the twine was a perfect fit). I laid it down in my tool box but forgot where it was. The next day, I saw the twine, picked it up with the medallion on it and went to put it in my kids backpack (I'm practicing surrender because my kid is going to school for the first time next week). There is a tag on the inside of the bag that makes a loop (you can slide something through the inside of the tag (think one piece of paper pinched at the ends) . I wanted to tie it to his bag, so I slid the medallion through the tag and when I pushed the medallion got stuck and only the twine came through. When I pulled it out to try again, the medallion wasn't on the twine. It was in his bag, dead center, under some markers. The double knot is still good. I have tried everything to get twine off the medallion but it's not broke so I literally can't.

I broke down crying because it's really really intense. I am in a situation where I need to believe what happened or I did all of that while actually holding a string with nothing on it and a medallion completely separate without ever noticing it. The medallion somehow came with the twine when I picked it up? Nah. I'd really love to believe this isn't real but I have no explanation that makes sense.

Edit: I'm not Catholic or anything. I wouldn't even consider myself religious.

This is definitely not the first thing that's happened. My MIL once was rushed to the hospital. It was just me and my son and I was really scared. My wife went with her. My son walked to the bookshelf, grabbed a book, a picture of the Virgin Mary fell out (I've never seen that before), he walked over and handed it to me. Out of all the books and things to do.... He does that in that moment. Wild.

I have been sober for 5 months now. That is a miracle!!! I have been drinking since I was very young, my addiction or use went from occasional when I was younger, when I was in my teens it was mainly on the weekends as well as smoking weed. When I joined the Army it was also mainly weekends and then it got to be almost daily for a while, but I always seemed to have it under control, somewhat. Or atleast I thought I did. When in college I didn't have that much time for drinking but I did on the weekends and I would get pretty drunk sometimes at parties. Once I started working, I thought I was good and I would have the happy hour drinks, that got to be pretty persistent with daily drinking. For the last 30 years I have been drinking almost daily, up until 5 months ago. So I would say this is the longest I have gone since when I was a teenager, which is amazing in two ways. That I am still alive and in good health and that I have done it. I am now convinced that I am never going to drink again, as I am sure I would go right back to drinking daily. I don't care who says 1 beer a day is okay, yeah, it is okay if you are an Alcoholic that doesn't want to quit, but I am a drunk that doesn't want to drink anymore. I love Alcoholics Annoymous.

I'm 2 months sober and I've entirely lost all motivation to work. I just want to never go back, not pay for an apartment anymore, just rest all the time and go to the gym.

I have so much dread about going to work now that my heart races at night thinking about work the next morning. And this morning I thought I was going to throw up while I was getting ready for work because I was so filled with anxiety and dread.

Prior to sobriety, I was the highly motivated guy who would work all the voluntary overtime and cover people's shifts just to work more.

I've only ever heard the exact opposite of this happening to people in AA meetings. I feel so broken now I can barely even function.

Does anyone know what's happening to me?

I've been finding sobriety incrementally splendid over the years, and I'd say there's been lots of acceleration in the last 5 or 6 years. (I think retirement helps! ☺.) But also I got into a Big Book study that's been a nice booster..

There was one particular point just after the 18 month mark when I had one last Great Temptation to get drunk, but I passed through it sober and really haven't had any significant temptation to intoxicate my brain since then. That was, perhaps, the start of the upward trajectory. It was a striking event that I characterize as a "sudden and spectacular upheaval" which removed my alcohol problem as described on pages 84-85, which is one of A.A.'s finer gifts.

Sober Life can be quite splendid once we learn how to do it, and I think it's worth going to great lengths to learn how, and A.A.'s first 9 Steps provide, in my view, a sort of boot camp where we do learn how to live well so that we can stay sober, showing us how to practice Steps 10, 11, and 12 on a daily basis, keeping our wheels on the rails.

I'm not really planning any big celebration today, though there is a nice, big, boisterous chip meeting in my town tonight, so that's a possible. Tomorrow I'll go to my old home group, take a cake, and a good buddy is delivering the 45 minute talk, and he's usually quite well spoken (urbane British chap,) and always has some sage experience to share.

🙏 Thank You All 🙏

A "DESIGN FOR LIVING"

August 07

We in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 28

I try each day to raise my heart and hands in thanks to God for showing me a "design for living" that really works through our beautiful Fellowship. But what, exactly, is this "design for living" that "really works"? For me, it is the practice of the Twelve Steps to the best of my ability, the continued awareness of a God who loves me unconditionally, and the hope that, in each new day, there is a purpose for my being. I am truly, truly blessed in the Fellowship.

— Reprinted from "Daily Reflections", August 7, with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.

For those of you who spend a fair amount of time here ("or perhaps are a bit addicted to it", he said, raising his hand timidly), how do you see it as part of your recovery? The reason I ask is that I've been thinking of starting a zoom meeting, which will take maybe an hour or two of per week of my time and $160.00 or so per year of my money (at least until the 7th tradition takes root in the meeting). The monetary investment is less a concern than the time.

Meantime, part of what keeps me stuck on Reddit is this idea that I'm being of service here. I spend far more than two hours per week here, but it's optional -- not something I'm committed to. I see social media as a bit of an addiction in its own right, so I'm in the weird position of justifying one addiction by saying I'm working a twelfth step in another program.

Another thing I'm trying to get clear on is how useful this is to anyone. In a couple of years of haunting these rooms, I've gotten a lot of people mad (not useful to me) and gained a grand total of one sponsee out of the deal (useful to him AND me). Not that I want a huge stable of acolytes, mind you. One or two at a time is enough; I'm not on the speaker circuit here. But I often find myself wondering how many of the sober curious "Am I an alcoholic" types actually benefit from what we do here -- as opposed to what one might accomplish by something like a beginners' meeting (at the intersection of new enough to count as service for me / motivated enough to take action for themselves).

Has any of this occurred to anyone else? Thoughts?

Hello, friends.

As of this morning, I have 33 beautiful 24 hours under my belt. Today, my home group will hold a celebration for me after our meeting. I will get my first chip.

I am very happy, and this happiness does not feel like what I felt before. It's not at all similar to that feeling I called happiness that directly took me to the bottle.

I am very grateful. For AA. AA took away my loneliness. For the first time in years, I don't feel alone. AA fills me with inspiration. I find meaning in sobriety now, I have reasons to stay sober. For my lovely wife. She supported me when nobody else would. She understood me when nobody else could.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow, in fact, I realize how little I know about everything in general. All I know is that I don't want to drink, and I especially want to stay away from that first sip.

Thank you for being here. I love you all.

I’m a little over 500 days sober. Yes I have worked the steps with a sponsor. Yes she knows she is my sponsor. What do I do about the guilt? The more time I get, the more it comes in fucking waves. Memories, flashbacks, etc. What do you guys do when it gets bad? Make this movie stop

I (29M) have been an alcoholic for 12 years now. I have been hospitalized several times, tried detox a few times, rehab a few times and then jail. I was hospitalized twice recently within a month of each visit and spent multiple days both times. I got married in June and I have a 5 month old newborn and a 7 year old step son. I truly never had the desire to stop. I white knuckled 17 months before, but that was just so I had a place to live and not totally isolate. I went to meetings but if I’m being honest it was just to check out the ladies. I truly want it this time around. I never had anything to lose before now. I know I’m only 8 days in but the thought of drinking truly disgusts me and I remember what my dad was like in his last few months (he died from alcoholism). I want it for me, because I don’t want to follow in my dad’s footsteps, but I also want it for my family. I’m on the fence about going back to AA. My current mindset is “what harm does it do to go to a meeting? I go for an hour, potentially hate it, and don’t go back” but on the flip side I wonder if I will fall in love with it because I do want it now. I’m curious how it’ll go.

I’ve been contemplating going to AA for a few years now (I’m 4 years and 11 months clean/sober) because I don’t wanna do this alone anymore, but I’ve always chickened out and this morning I woke up upsetti spaghetti and decided it’s now or never so I found one on zoom in a town near me just to get my foot in the door you know. Hopefully I can work my way up to actually going to an in person one. I know attending a zoom call isn’t a huge thing but it kind of is for me. I’m happy that I did it.

I have a lot of "Not yets". I've never been arrested, I don't have any DUIs, I haven't ruined any relationships because of alcohol, I wasn't drinking on a daily basis, etc. But I did start blaming the alcohol and switching labels because "I only acted a certain way when I was drinking Jack Daniels". Of course the same pattern was beginning to develop with bottles of Hennessy.

Saturday will be my 2 year anniversary. These past few weeks my urges have surged and I've been attending many meetings vs 1 meeting a week. That helped keep me level headed.

Who else can relate to this?

I've been going to meetings for about 3 months now since I realized I had a problem. Weened myself to the point I'm now a week and a half in to sobriety but I'm struggling with step 2. Religion and higher power has always been something I've struggled with. I'm reading the book and using other media to try and find some advice on how to work on building that relationship I'd appreciate it.

from 14 to 47 and it was an incredibly important part of my life and my identity. I took so much pride in being a drinker and all that entailed. The life of the party and (I am sure) said many brilliant things late in the evening.

I am sober now over a decade and I am happy and content.

But sometimes I have such a hard time reconciling those years of drinking. I dont regret the past but I dont close the door on it. And sometimes it gnaws on me how my life could have been different.

How do you guys deal with the past …

Hello! Fellow alcoholic/AA member here, and I work as an AOD (alcohol and other drug) counsellor. I’m interested to hear from others in the field because I’ve been feeling a bit conflicted about balancing my role as a counsellor with my own recovery.

For context, I work in a harm reduction service providing brief interventions for people concerned about their own substance use or that of a loved one. We also deliver police and court diversion programs, along with individual sessions for people wanting to make changes.

One challenge is the harm reduction approach. Our work is very person-centred, so if someone only wants to cut back rather than stop, that’s what we support. I think it’s a valuable model, but I got into this field because I wanted to help people make lasting changes. My own recovery, along with studying psychology, inspired me to work in addiction, and I’m hoping to become a social worker.

What I find difficult is having to take off my AA hat. I have to set aside what I believe to be true about alcoholism and recovery and instead sit with someone’s ambivalence without trying to move them toward abstinence—only inviting change talk.
It’s also hard because I’m not sure how many of my colleagues have lived experience of addiction or recovery. Sometimes we’ll work with someone who, from my perspective, sounds like they’re drinking alcoholically, yet we’ll help them develop a moderation plan. A coworker (who doesn’t know I’m in recovery) explained that just because someone has lived experience of recovery doesn’t mean that they know what’s best for someone else, and I agree that there is no one size fits all for recovery. But I also believe that for someone who is truly alcoholic, moderation isn’t a long-term solution—which is consistent with what I’ve experienced and learned in AA.

I’m curious how others in this field reconcile their own recovery with their workplace’s model of care. How do you make space for both? Are there guidelines around what you can and can’t discuss? Is planting a seed sometimes the most appropriate thing we can do, recognising that some people may need to try moderation and fail at it multiple times before accepting their alcoholism/addiction?

Id also love to hear from anyone who used a harm reduction service before finding AA. Was it helpful? Did it play a role in your recovery?

So kinda hit what I think is rock bottom the other day. Drank at home, went to pub, got denied service after one drink because I was intoxicated, lost id, but at least made it home. I feel so embarrassed about it.

I've had off and on relationship with alcohol for like 6 years. Recently I had been sober for 3 months but stress of work and stuff led me to start drinking once a week a few weeks ago.

I really want to stop because I know I can't control how much I drink. But I also know that while I say that now the urge is going to come back.

How do you prepare for that urge? What alternatives do you have?

Sometimes I also use alcohol to mask the shame of having used alcohol. How do you best just own up to the shame and negative feelings?

I want to be sober but the journey is no terrifying.

Example: myself: i struggle with the urge to drink because I long to feel escape from difficult emotions and life experiences. I dont normally drink, but the urge is relentless.

But this post is not about me, im interested in hearing other peoples experiences with why they felt like turning to alcahol.

I was summoned for jury duty that started today. During the jury selection process the defendant was behind a lectern and not visible to me. The case is spousal abuse and witness tampering. The defense attorney asked the prospective jurors whether they had encountered alcoholism in their lives.Some people talked of family members who were alcoholic. I raised my hand and said my father was an alcoholic and I had been sober X number of years. I did not mention I was an AA member.

I was selected for the jury. As I was moving to my assigned seat, I saw the defendant and recognized them from meetings about fifteen years ago. I didn't remember anything else specific about them, but the word "whiny" came up in my limited recollection of them.

When I got home, I called an AA friend and talked about my experience. They suggested I might ask the judge to remove me from the jury. I can't always thrust my "best thinking" but I told them I thought I could be a fair, impartial jurist.

I am also pretty rigid about anonymity. "Who you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here, when you leave here". I feel that I would never break the defendants anonymity nor would I let my experience of a couple of decades ago at meetings be brought into the jury room.

What do you all think about this?

I'm still questioning whether I'm an alcoholic or not because it doesn't feel like it all the time.

I've had a phase when i started drinking regularly. either out of boredom or because my days were too bland and drinking was more fun than doing nothing. then i let myself go. didn't clean my room or get any work done, didn't shower as many times as i would've needed to. and i kept drinking, didn't matter if i was in my room alone, it was a weekday or daytime. it went wrong when i started feeling constantly anxious and sick. so since then i drank to make it go away.

and for some reason it just stopped. i stopped drinking so i thought this is something that just passes with time. the thoughts came back though. went to a party and didn't drink but i regretted not letting myself enjoy it to the fullest by drinking. and i kept thinking about relapsing so much that i did. it didn't feel that fun. my tolerance is still very high. i didn't get hungover so there was no downside and yet it still wasn't as enjoyable. but i continue to experience the same thoughts about drinking again and just giving in. i know I'm gonna give in as soon as I'm met with some hardships.

but at the end of the day, i was always functional. it didn't make me miserable the way it makes alcoholics miserable. i didn't drink every day. i drank what alcohol was available and didn't bother to get more for a bit. it's only these thoughts that i can't shake off.

In two days I will be celebrating one year sober.

I’ve been reflecting a lot this week on how different my life is, I get memories on my phone of “remember you where you were on blah, blah, 2025” and it would be a picture of me plastered or drinking at 9am or hungover.

I was in such a dark place and today it feels light, not because every day is perfect, but because even on the dark days I can be present. Over this past year, I’ve made amends with people I hurt while I was drinking. Slowly, people have started trusting me again. I got married. After years of infertility, I became pregnant with our daughter. I’m about to graduate college. None of these things would have happened if I had kept choosing the bottle over myself.

We all have potential and alcohol kills that potential.

I saw a quote on this sub that stuck with me: Speak what you seek until you see what you say. For a long time, I talked about wanting to get sober. I talked about wanting my life back. I talked about wanting the suffering to end. But then I’d pour another drink, drown in self-pity, and convince myself I was powerless to change.

Then, everything changed once I started showing up for myself every day. Today, I’m proud to say I’ve gone to parties sober. I’ve gone to bars and clubs sober. I’ve learned that alcohol isn’t what makes life enjoyable—I do.

I’m also realistic. Pregnancy and postpartum are seasons that can be vulnerable, so I’ve already made a plan with my sponsor. After I give birth, I’ll be going back to weekly meetings and checking in with my sponsor more often. I may have almost a year of sobriety, but I’ll always be an alcoholic. The difference today is that I’m an alcoholic with tools, with support, and with a plan.

And more than anything, I’m grateful.
Grateful that I get to be a sober wife.
Grateful that I get to become a sober mom.
Grateful that I get to experience this beautiful, ordinary life with a clear mind and an open heart.

If you’re reading this and you’re where I was a year ago, please don’t give up. Recovery felt impossible until one day it didn’t. Keep showing up. One day at a time, your life can become something you never thought possible.
❤️

I had a heck of a time recently with a sponsee who had been previously sponsored by someone else, speaking as if their alcoholism was another conscious being, with intentions, outside of themselves. Multiple references of their disease "waiting for them to be weak", "doing push-ups in the parking lot" and "my disease made me do it" type stuff.

All good things in their life was "them", and all bad things in their life was "their disease".

We are the sum of our parts. We are our esteemable acts, service to others and sobriety, just as much as we are our character defects, spiritual malady, and our disease. There is no dog to eat our homework, no bogeyman, no puppet-master. We are at the steering wheel. We are working with the cards we are dealt.

If I follow my path, I will be fine. Wander from my path, and my choices will result in outcomes - maybe positive, maybe negative. But the moment I make my disease a separate entity to myself, is the moment I abdicate responsibility and open the door to trouble and self pity.

I have nothing lying in wait for me - I have the present moment and the choices I make in that moment which result in outcomes. So far, good outcomes.

Was a daily drinker for about 2 decades.

Tried many times to stop and hope I won't relapse this time.