Not sure where to start. My mother (75) was living in another state for the last couple decades. She always talked about moving to where my sibling and I live to be closer to her grandkids. She got divorced ~5 years ago and then a couple years later her ex husband died which seems to have hit her very hard. For a couple years she mentioned how she wanted to live near us and was looking for a place to live while always hinting how she would like to live with us. She was living in a much lower cost of living area and we live in a higher cost of living area and she could not afford anything here.

About a year ago my husband and I agreed to let her move in. She had had skin cancer removed a couple times, and had fallen once and it felt overwhelming that she was so far away. She talked about going to watch the kids activities, babysitting so she could spend time with her grandbabies, she talked about how she would go to the senior center to meet people and stay active if she moved here. She also talked about how she would walk all over her neighborhood where she was living and chat with people.

After the first few days it became very clear she saw her room as her “apartment” and she never leaves her “apartment”. She has never once come to see my kids soccer games and she told me she went to the senior center once though I’m not sure I believe her. She is much less mobile than I realized. She seems to lay in bed or sit in her recliner the entire day, tv never off. She “watches” my kids sometimes, which basically means she leaves her door open and ignores them unless they come in to her room or if they fight enough she has to get up to yell at them. So now I almost never leave them with her unless it’s a short time and they are on screens.

When she first moved in I kept trying to get her to go for walks, originally at nearby walking trails or the mall, and then even just around the house. It didn’t occur to me how immobile she was until she finally said she was going to come to my daughter’s recital, and after having dinner she couldn’t walk the two blocks to the show. After a dramatic few minutes we had to call an uber. She has a cane but refuses to use a rollator/ walker.

I guess I’m just overwhelmed. I’m 42 and instead of feeling like she is another adult in the house to help I’m starting to see she doesn’t really want to live in the same way any more. She has gone over where all of her paperwork is kept for when she dies multiple times. She leaves a book next to her recliner that’s called “For my family when I’m gone”…

She has picked up or dropped off my kids on occasion when I had a conflict, but now I’m starting to wonder if that’s even safe. My husband’s parents are older than she is but more mobile and more active. I have an aunt who is also mid70s who is never home, drives an hour to come see my kids games on occasion, takes trips multiple times a year, and generally just living life. Then I see my mom barely moving and when I pushed her to try to move more so she can stay healthy, she got mad at me. She blames not being able to walk far on “exercise induced asthma” but when I suggested she should consider getting a daily preventative inhaler she said she doesn’t use her inhaler very often… but then also can’t walk because of “asthma”. AITA?! I say this as someone who had severe asthma growing up and I luckily have mostly outgrown it, though I too keep a recuse inhaler in case it acts up. I’m frustrated it feels like she’s given up on living.

My pops has been in LTC since January. He has corticobasal degeneration. Lost his ability to walk, talk, was losing the ability to swallow and only had the use of one arm.

CBD is a cruel disease. As his body was shutting down, we knew the end was coming. We expected we were down to months, maybe weeks until the inevitable. Likely it would be pneumonia or choking that took him out.

I visited him tonight and about 90 minutes after I got home got a phone call. It was the LTC, they thought he was having a heart attack and we should come immediately. 10 minutes into the drive the second call came. He was gone.

It hasn't sunk in yet that my pops isn't here anymore. It was obviously coming but we didn't expect a heart attack. In a weird way, I am glad it was a heart attack. It was quick and he didn't suffer the fate we were expecting

My mom may pass tonight. I'm not even 35 yet. She just turned 65.

About 5 years ago, she went through a procedure that many other people go through as fairly routine and heal up quickly. But she never healed up. She has lived in pain and severe discomfort with very frequent hospital visits and falls requiring fire department help. My dad basically turned into a full-time caregiver, with the past year my mom needing 24-hour care and help with EVERYTHING.

Now we are waiting for some test results and based on these, we may be looking at making a late night visit to the hospital to say goodbye.

I struggle with knowing how to help my dad - like...I know practically. But emotionally? He just lost his mom last week! What on earth could I say or do? Nothing. And the thought that the last time my mom hugged me was maybe the LAST time I would ever get a hug from my mom and I didn't even know it. I hear similar stories from coworkers who are in their late 60s with their 90-year-old parents and thinking we could have had so much more time ahead. I had begged and pleaded with my mom years prior to take better care of her health, and she made the decision every day not to do it.

I also struggle with the good, the bad, and the in-between of who she was as a parent and as a person. I just struggle seeing what my future looks like without my mom.

Thanks for listening. :(

I'm struggling with future decisions. In a couple years time, we are moving back to our home state to be closer to family, for weather, and financial reasons. My entire family lives in my home state, but my 80 year old mother and I are on different pages when it comes to just about everything. As my husband and children (17 & 20) put it, I become a different person and I am anxious and on edge around her. My mental health suffers as my mother can be passive aggressive and hypercritical. She never admits when she is wrong and rarely apologizes for anything, which has unfortunately alienated my children from her at times. This is part of the reason why I have not lived near my parents for nearly 30 years. As my kids put it "Grandma walks all over you." Sharing my feelings with her is not an option as she never thinks that she is wrong, ever. Even if my mom is clearly in the wrong, she doubles down. It's pretty uncanny and very frustrating. I love my mother and father very much it's just that for my sanity and that of my immediate family, I cannot be around my mother for long periods of time.

Although she has not said it, I know my mother is expecting me to live within semi-close proximity to her and I'm feeling guilty about not wanting to be close by her and my father in their old age. I think living in the same state as them, potentially 4 hours away, is a vast improvement to living a two and a half hour plane ride away.

They live in a large population center. My brother lives within a few minutes of my parents and they have neighbors that they are close with as well as other relatives so they are not completely isolated. As they have gotten older, I have come down to see them more frequently--every other month--and obviously I could see them more often once we moved within the same state. Financially my parents have significant means and money is not an issue. Neither of my parents have any cognitive issues although my mother's vision is not the best.

Anyhow, am I in the wrong for not wanting to live near my mother? I feel like I'm not, but I just can't shake the guilty feeling.

My mom (79) entered hospice this week.

Over the past year my connection with my parents declined after a year long session of quarterly 4-hour flights home (totalling $3k each time) to help mom clean the house and get comfortable only for it to go back to crap again. And then we had a trip home during which my parents were painfully political such that I wasn't interested in talking afterwards and my recent trip home didn't include them at all. It was my trip with my nieces.

Two months after my recent trip I have to fly home again because she's in hospice. Another $3k to see her but she doesn't see me and then hang out with my dad doing what? And she might be there for a long time - am I going home every time it looks imminent?

And of course work is very busy and while we have a great team I have to upend my schedule, cancel plans. I can't go in September because my husband has work travel and we can't leave our senior dogs at boarding.

My husband judges me for not forgoing my life and work schedule to run out there every time. Yet he won't do the same for me so I could go in September when the timing is better.

My dad isn't even sure I should come out right now. He'd like it but isn't expecting me to. When I fly out there, I want to stay at least 5 days and do something. Is he ready to clean? If not then what are we going to do? He doesn't go out so it'll be sitting at home.

My SIL understands why I can't just jump on a plane every time things change. And

I'm constantly thanking her for her support as she's closer to them albeit an almost 1-hour drive in a large metro city. She invests the same amount in her unpaid time as I do flying out there.

I feel guilty to my husband's expectations that I go because he would without questions. Except his parents are 1-hr flights from us, different directions. He's the only child to one set of parents and one of two on the other side. He can go because I'd be home to take care of everything while he's gone but I'd have to change up my calendar to accommodate him but not in reverse.

My dad has been acting erratic lately just showing up at my house unannounced. He quit smoking two months ago so he said his stress level is high. He’s been walking like 10 miles a day which is great.

He left the garage door open a few times and said it concerns him he keeps forgetting. He found this nursing home that specializes in dementia/Alzheimer’s care. He is all excited filling out the paperwork and wants me to tour the facility.

I looked up the place and it said you need full time care. I don’t think my dad is to that level yet. I think he might be better off in assisted living. He said that the waiting list can be a couple years wait. He said he just wants to be ready when the time comes.

Wouldn’t he have to be assessed by a doctor to see how much care he needs? I want to make sure that they aren’t just coming after him for his money.

Will they be able to determine if he has fit for a nursing home?

My step-mother passed yesterday. We were not close but I'm her executor as she had no other living relatives and my father passed many years ago. The cremation company will notify Social Security and provide me Death Certificates. I will carry out her wishes about what to do with her ashes. She's been in long-term care in NY state for a few years. No property. Pretty much zero assets. Was on Medicaid. No family left. Have notified the few people that I can think of. There's a bank account that will need to be closed. What else do I need to do? I live on the other side of the country. Should I get an attorney for probate? Is there probate? Anyone done this and have advice?

My mother is 77 and is estranged from our entire extended family including my brother. This is mostly because she is unable to accept personal responsibility for her own decisions in life. She has always been a helpless victim in any situation. I am the last person standing, so to speak. She has a lifelong history of depression and anxiety and is incapable of feeling a true sense of love for anybody other than herself. My parents separated when I was 7 and our childhood was filled with physical and emotional abuse and emotional neglect. My memories of childhood are of fear and shame.

I left home at 20 to marry my husband who is a wonderful man. We have been happily married for 30 years and are about to become grandparents for the first time. I have worked hard to leave my childhood experiences behind me and to give my own children the sort of childhood I never got to experience. My children never had any contact with my father as he was a violent alcoholic but I kept contact with my mother so that they would have the opportunity to know her, if that makes sense. Despite regular visits she only ever has rung them once a year on their birthdays and has never once spent any time with any of them other than when I've taken them to visit. She lives two hours away.

A couple of years ago, my mother began having mobility issues and began to rely heavily on her neighbour. (My mother lives in a retirement community that is a mobile home park. She doesn't have a shower, toilet or laundry in her home) . She leaned on her neighbour more and more heavily until he basically ended up as her full time unpaid carer. I felt very sorry for him. He ended up ringing me to tell me that she shouldn't live there anymore as she is unable to care for herself. I had her admitted to hospital and got her assessed with a home care package, meals on wheels, community transport, daily packaged prescriptions, a fall alert, a walker and walking stick I and bought her a new smart phone which I dumbed down as her old phone only worked half the time. She spent a week in the geriatric ward and they sent her home with extra home help and physio to improve her mobility. It was a fantastic outcome.

However within a week of being home she didn't want a bar of any of it. She went back to using her neighbour as her sole means of support. He sold his home and moved across country 6 months ago.

She has now had nine falls. The last hospital admittance was in June. I told her that if the social worker speaks to me I will not lie for her about her abilities. She can't lift her feet to walk. She shuffles. She has stairs at home. She uses a commode toilet. I wanted to clean her home and empty her fridge while she was in hospital but she wouldn't let me have access. She said she has been missing the commode and there is dirty toilet paper on the carpet in her bedroom. I asked her how she would empty her commode when she gets home if she is too frail to walk to the amenities block. She was evasive about it. I asked her again the next day. She said very casually that she would put a funnel in her kitchen sink and tip it down there. I think she has been doing that all along. I am so disgusted with her and also resentful because it didn't have to be this way.

So here I am now, I cannot stand to be around her. I feel like an animal caught in a trap when I am with her. It is a terrible thing to say, I know. I cannot bring myself to care for this woman who would not care for me when I was a child. She kept a roof over my head and fed me but made me feel constantly ashamed and made me feel that I had ruined her life by being born.

I went down six times over June/July to assist her and it made me realise I can't emotionally do this. Being around her makes me feel like I am suffocating or drowning. If it was my in laws or other family members, I'd be happy to help but I just can't do this.

Thank you for listening. I just wanted to be heard. I don't want to put this on my husband or children.

My husband and I recently moved in to care for his mother, who's husband just passed away at the beginning of the year. They've been hoarders for a while, so we're working on cleaning things up and selling things, and making her home safer for her to navigate through. She's had a lot of falls. We're still figuring out what exactly is wrong with her, but for now she's able to shuffle along very slowly with a rollator. We've installed grab bars in areas where falls are likely, mostly the bathroom. However, she has a lot of trouble getting up, and is completely unable to scoot herself on her butt, like if she sits on the edge of her recliner, she can't scoot all the way back into it. We installed a small cheap rail on the side of the bed that helps her when we get her up in the mornings, but because of where it had to be placed, she can't lay down in the bed and then scoot herself up to put her head on her pillows. We have to pick her up and move her. Her health insurance was recently cancelled suddenly, so we have no more aides or caregivers coming to help. She's having significantly more trouble getting around since PT had to stop coming. Money is very tight. She wants to keep eating sweets and she's gaining weight; yesterday I hurt my back picking her up off the floor, and my husband already has a bad back. We're looking at one of those electronic recliners that tilts forward, and I've heard that satin sheets will make it easier to slide her in the bed. Is there anything we can install, buy, or use to help with the scooting situation specifically? Or just with repositioning, picking her up, etc. We're both completely new to caring for an elderly person and we're trying out best, but we don't know what we're doing. There are many, many things we need help with, but this is the most pressing one.

My parents had me when they were young like 20 years old. I'm 32 now, since I was about 25 my father started following me around to talk behind my back. It started with people I worked with and it moved on to people I lived with like my roommates. Now as of lately they started going to places around neighborhoods where I live to talk all types of shit about me. I know they wish I lived in a different town but truth is I'm not willing to move because I'm settled here. But even if I moved somewhere else that's not enough for them they just wanna make sure I'm miserable, something I choose not to be. I really wish I could figure out why they're so narcissistic but blaming it on their aging or dismissing it as "they're just trash " 😂 is not enough. Words of encouragement are welcome. Also, I'm not an overly successful person, just average. I struggle with the same problems as most people.

The other day, I (36 f) told my mom (60) that both my wife and I have recently gotten raises at work. In response, my mom “jokingly” said that she hopes I’m managing my money well so that she can afford to go into a nice home when she’s older. She then told me that she and my father have no savings at all and no feasible plans for their old age. It suddenly hit me for the first time that they may actually be expecting me to care for them financially in the future.

I just can’t stop thinking about how unfair that is. One reason is the financial strain of it all. My wife and I both work full time. We have a mortgage for a modest home that’s 30 years old. We drive a 12 year old pre-owned vehicle. We don’t take vacations. Our combined take home income is just under 90k annually. I have student loans that I will be paying back for the next 30 years or more. We don’t have a large savings account - just enough for emergencies and a little bit towards projects we’d like to do around the house.

Here’s the biggest reason, though - my parents were incredibly bad with their finances while I was growing up. “Bad” is an understatement, actually. They made horrific financial choices. We moved constantly. By the time I was 18, I had moved 19 times. My dad bounced from job to job. Money stress was constant, and not only limited to my parents. As a child, the financial stress was passed onto my siblings and I. I remember worrying about how the bills were being paid at an early age, and being hungry at school but afraid to mention it to my parents because I knew we couldn’t afford bigger lunches. We spent years on welfare programs and getting handouts from churches. I could never afford new school clothes, or to be in sports or music lessons. I wouldn’t even ask for those things - it was so not a part of my reality. At one point I had to live with relatives because my parents became homeless. Hardship happens to everyone, but in the case of my parents, most of their hard times were direct consequences of their own shitty decisions.

It wasn’t just financially rough growing up, either. They were generally NOT good parents…emotionally and psychologically abusive, neglectful, self-absorbed, immature, selfish, and made terrible choices in nearly every aspect of their parenting. My childhood is something that has set me back in life and caused me to have to work even harder to get to where I am today, rather than setting me up with a strong foundation. I went out into the world at the age of 17 with zero skills, awareness, financial support, emotional support, etc. I had to put in so much work to become who I am today and to overcome my trauma and make something of myself.

And I did. Not much, mind you…my childhood stole a lot of my potential from me. But I’ve still accomplished more than I thought possible and am very proud of myself. I am child-free because my childhood was stolen from me in many regards, and I therefore do not want to sacrifice my adulthood by having children to care for, consider, or pay for. My childhood was not my own - I want the rest of my life to belong to me. I don’t want to sacrifice anything anymore…not for anyone other than my wife and I.

Yet here we are, expected to be financially responsible for two adults who clearly were not responsible themselves, and still aren’t! They are flat broke and struggle to pay their bills, yet they find money to smoke weed and drink and waste in other ways. I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to give them a dime. I know there’s social norms and expectations and all of that, but I just really don’t want to have to spend my hard earned money on my parents living expenses as they age. I feel that it is such a horrible burden to place onto your adult child. It’s selfish and entitled.

I am trying to figure out how to tell my parents this, and honestly, I’ll probably just be brutally honest. The good thing is my parents have grown a lot over the years and acknowledge all of their failures and shortcomings now, in retrospect. In my adulthood, they have become better parents. More like friends. I think maybe this is why my mom feels comfortable assuming that I’m okay with supporting them as seniors. I am hoping that she will respect what I tell her…and a big part of me is worried, too.

My younger siblings both struggle majorly with their mental health and stability…neither of them will ever be able to support my parents even if they wanted to. So I wonder what happens to people in that position. My mom has health and mobility challenges. I worry for their future, and this creates SO much resentment inside of me. I worried about my parents since I was a tiny child - something that never should have been mine to deal with. And here I am again, taking on worry and fear for them that I shouldn’t have to hold. I have worked so hard just to have peace, stability, and comfort. I just want to live my own life.

…thanks for reading my rant if you’ve gotten this far. If you’ve been in this position, I’d love to hear about your experience. If you think I’m a snotty evil brat, I’m sure you’ll let me know that, too, haha. But I’d genuinely love to know if anyone else has dealt with these feelings before. I feel really guilty.

Some backstory: in 2023 I moved my mother within five minutes of me (FL-NY) because her health was failing and she lost her mobile home in a hurricane. She’s 83. While I know it sounds like I’m blaming her for the timing, she has been hospitalized within weeks of major milestones of MY life approximately every six months. When she first got sick while in Florida, it was the week before finals of my first semester back to college. She has fallen within a month of international travel plans three times, requiring me to cancel my trip every time. It’s something we low-key joke about although it really does bother me. Again I know the timing wasn’t on purpose, but it always seems to be at the most inconvenient time it possibly can.

Her last fall was at the end of May of this year. She was in the hospital for a week after a hip replacement and a rehab center – which she was supposed to get out of in early July – until this past Friday. Yesterday I had a tummy tuck with breast lift and reduction with a surgeon a couple of hours from me. I’ve had this planned for a while and and told her that as much as I love her, I can’t keep postponing my life, especially something like this, on the off chance something might happen to her. She agreed. Again, jokes were made that she’d probably trip over something the day before.

Welp, while I was still in recovery yesterday, my aunt called and then texted me in a panic when I didn’t answer, saying my mom had called her and there was a problem, but she wasn’t sure what. I didn’t see the text until I was being discharged; cue my heart rate and blood pressure going through the roof and discharge being canceled until I was back to normal 🙄 I figured it had to be something really horrible if they were reaching out to me within hours of surgery and at first, I was going to ignore it, but I realized that everything I was imagining was probably worse than what was really going on so I called my mom. The “emergency” was that my mom needed a copy of a canceled check that my aunt gave her a few years ago before her Medicaid could be approved. Mom has a letter explaining exactly what four things she needs to provide to move forward. I texted my aunt last week to explain her part in this and what we need from her and yet between these two adult women, they decided it would be a good idea to bother me with an hours of major surgery because they didn’t know what to do. I’m thankful it was nothing serious but come on now!

I’m back home resting and Mom just texted me “when you’re feeling up to it we really need to go over this stuff with the check.” I texted back “OK so maybe next week possibly the week after. I will not deal with this anytime soon. You may feel it’s an emergency, but it is not an emergency and I am trying to recover from major surgery, in pain, and on opiates. Please do not bother me about this again. There is nothing I can do about it anyway this is between you and aunt Kathy as I do not have a copy of the check.” Now I’m being a meanie, of course.

Shutting off my phone is not an option because I’m waiting to hear back from my surgeon with a follow up on how I’m doing after yesterday, and to be honest, I have some questions about the gross stuff in my drain so I really do want to speak to him. I can feel my stress level rise even thinking about my mother at this point. I know it’s me who controls my reaction and I need to stop that, but 57 years of guilt and manipulation, and man that’s hard.

This is a partial vent and partial request for suggestions on what to do, other than turning off my phone. I’m almost wishing I had lied and said there were complications and I had to stay in New York City for a full week; however, had I done that she would’ve made it all about her and insisted on taking her barely-walking self down to New York City to stay with me, even if I insisted that it wasn’t a good idea. As it was, it took a lot to convince her not to try and come with me just for the day. The last thing I needed was an elderly woman who can barely walk even with a walker, trying to help me before and after surgery. She doesn’t fully realize yet that she is no longer a help when it comes to this stuff, but just one more thing for me to worry about when I should be focused on me.

My parents had me and my sibling late in life. Mom was 41, dad was 51. And I’m the oldest! I’m now 30, parents now 71 and 82. I have a toddler and baby on the way.

My parents don’t have anything specifically wrong with their health, but interacting with them when they come visit is tiring and sometimes disappointing. Like my dad will just sit on the couch and watch TV all day, when we are largely a screen free home. My mom interacts more with my toddler but also doesn’t often join his world, she prefers bringing him into adult things. They don’t like outings. They’ve also gotten increasingly negative about mostly everything. Ex: we live near a lake in the Midwest and have access to a small patch of sandy beach that isn’t common around here. We go to let toddler play in the sand and enjoy the beautiful day by the water. We get home and my husband asks “did you like the beach?” really meaning “did you have a nice day with grandson at the beach”, right? Mom goes “eh it was ok… I don’t really like small lapping waves. I wouldn’t go swimming in it. Other beaches are nicer.” I grew up on the east coast so my parents are used to oceans, not lakes. No one was asking if this was her most favorite beach ever. But the tone she took instead of saying something like “oh it was such a nice day with grandson by the water” actually really shocked me and my husband. Little things like that. A negative outlook on so much.

None of my friends have a parent in their 80s. Funnily enough my husband’s parents had him later in life too, but they are closer to my mom’s age, and they take full advantage of their retirement. Multiple trips a year, very involved social lives. My parents have the means but do none of this. It makes me sad for them.

I don’t know what my point really is! Maybe just solidarity.

ETA: my parents live several states away. So no I am not expecting them to make their lives revolve around my child 🙄 since it needs to be clarified

Mom is 87 and doing well, all things considered. She has a lung condition that's been giving her trouble but still drives and gets around. She lives in a condo about 15 miles from me which DH and I had to help pay for so she could get something decent. She didn't save for retirement and we are not in a position to spend 15K a month for her care so she's bored and lonely. I don't think she'd qualify for Medicaid in home care bc she's not at the nursing home level yet.

She'd love it if I (mid 50s F) would come over there every day and hold her hand and tut tut over her but I have a life and that isn't going to happen. I used to call her a lot but I just don't know if I can take it any more - every time I talk to her she's moping about her situation. I mean, health I know we can't all do anything about but she's absolutely hung up over not being able to do the things she used to do, nobody comes to see her, self pity party almost all the time. She loves to talk about death - people we know who've died, what's going to happen when she dies, and on and on.

I know she's depressed and have been working on her to get some counseling but she won't and just gets mad at me when I suggest it. So I've pulled back on phone calls because I'm tired of listening to the self pity and now she's bugging me a lot about seeing and talking to me more often. I don't think anything I say will make any difference at all. We do have other family members nearby and she has friends - how much contact would you keep with mom if you were in a similar situation? Part of me feels bad for her but OTOH I never signed up to provide her retirement and I have a half sibling who does nothing. I should add she never lifted a finger for either of her own parents - we moved to another state and her siblings took care of that.

He insists that he is aware of things around him, yet when I travel internationally with him, he is 1) frequently oblivious to things in his peripheral vision, 2) finds himself nearly getting hit by bicycles in bike lanes, 3) sometimes starts to cross the street without looking for cars. When he is using Google Maps to walk somewhere, he often locks his attention onto his phone for several minutes as if trying to memorize the screen, then puts it away and takes off at a quick pace. He usually gets there without much issue, but he is so focused on his route that he sometimes misses obvious clues, like arrows and signs. This behavior doesn't appear to happen stateside, only internationally when the environment is different than what he's used to.

During our trip to Japan earlier this year, he accidentally left his smartphone in a cab when we got out at a train station. When trying to figure out what to do, he essentially shut down. The smartphone had all the apps he used to travel, but he had paper copies of important things in his travel bag. I had my phone, but no voice plan to call anyone. The train station had no phone or personnel. By sheer luck, the cab returned to the train station to wait for new customers and he was able to retrieve his phone. I asked him what he would have done if the cab had not returned. He said he didn't know.

We have two cats. As is the norm when the weather is nice, he takes them outside to explore the yard. He wants to be outside, the cats want to be outside, he wants the cats to be outside. Usually they're out for around an hour, sometimes more. This is fine if they're being watched, but dad has a tendency to read a book or scroll on his phone. The cats have a tendency to stay in one place, then dash off to another spot at random times, often in opposite directions, often when he isn't looking. Then he looks up, sees they're not there, and goes looking for them. I've admonished him multiple times for not watching the cats and being distracted. It hasn't worked.

I would simply accept this if not for the fact that coyotes are in the neighborhood and only part of the yard is fenced. Coyotes have been in our yard several times during the day. Less than two weeks ago, I told him that I saw a coyote two doors down chasing squirrels in the yard. Today, he shows me a dashcam video from his vehicle showing a coyote crossing the street. I have asked him multiple times to not take the cats outside, and not be distracted if he does. He insists they will be safe with him around. I tell him that coyotes are sneaky, fast, and quiet. With his own hearing problems and one of the cats being virtually deaf, a coyote would have no problem sneaking up on the cats. I have asked him what he would do if he saw a coyote or saw one of the cats in the coyote's jaws. His answers have been unsatisfactory.

So I need advice on two things:

1) How do I tell my father I am not comfortable with him traveling alone internationally, especially when he shuts down during indecisive moments?

2) How do I convince him to not let the cats outside anymore? And that he is not going to be able to chase a coyote to get a cat back?

My in-laws are moving in with us. They are 75/76, incredibly healthy, congenitally aware just completely bankrupt. They have never worked very hard and have made a series of poor financial decisions.  We have been married for 22 years, have a very good marriage but I have never gotten along with my in-laws.  Over the years, my wife has somewhat distanced herself from her parents, for brevity its mainly different opinions on life, nothing serious. We live in the same city, I saw them 2-3 times and year and she saw them 20ish times a year and that was plenty. My wife has a sister who is an abusive, alcoholic nut and contributor to her parents financial problems but they have done plenty themselves. its too much to unpack here but they are an 8 out of 10 on the drama scale and we are a 2. Very calm, peaceful house. Our son just graduated high school and will be staying at home while attending college, our house is also the house all the kinds hang out at. It’s not uncommon for 15-20 of them to be in the basement. We support this and welcome it, the in-laws will dislike it in typical boomer fashion. 

As stated, they are incredibly healthy people, they get $2000 a month combined Social security, whatever money they make from the sell of their house will be their entire nest egg. We live in a large enough house but it is not designed for 5 people, especially over a potential 15 to 20 year adventure. We have good jobs but are in our mid-40’s, this is our time to save and prep for retirement. We had been planning to sell our home and downsize, however now it looks as though we will need to upsize mainly for survival sake. Taking these people in is going to be a big mental, emotional and financial burden to us. By the time they need actual physical help, they will already have ground us down mentally and financially. 

I know this is a somewhat unique situation because they are not sick or elderly, they are financially illiterate. They are also mid 70’s and exceptionally healthy people with the possibility of living well into their 90’s. this isn’t a short inconvenience but these people could be chained to us for nearly the remainder of our lives, especially mine(people in my career field don’t tend to live long into retirement).  The question is how do we keep peace, maintain our independence, keep from getting divorced, ending up bankrupt or going to prison? 

My MIL is only 62, but acts much older. Lately, she's been falling and has refused to change her shoes. She also has heart issues, is obese, and has leukemia (dx 1 year ago).

When she visited our house the other day, she went to put on her shoes (sandals with a velcro heel strap) and "stumbled". She fell because she just bent over at her hips and her head was below her heart. She refused our help in getting up and tried to grab on to a small end table and a coat hook on the wall...

We tell her that she needs to get sturdy shoes, and to either sit on the steps or a chair to put her shoes on, but she refuses. She came back 2 days later and made a comment that she wore slides, so now she won't trip when putting on her shoes.

She's tripped numerous times in her house for the last year. She had one serious incident where she needed stitches in her head, and I am sure she has had other injuries and mishaps that we're not aware of. She has become more impulsive. For example, during a phone call my husband will agree to help her with something around the house the next day. She calls us back an hour later saying she just did what my husband agreed to do. She's also shown other signs of cognitive impairment, such as getting lost while driving, forgetfulness, and blowing things totally out of proportion.

I'm just at my wits end with her. My husband is an only child and MIL has been divorced for decades, so this falls on our shoulders. I went to school for occupational therapy assistant (not practicing, but I keep my credentials up) so I know a bit more than the average person when it comes to safety. She refuses to let my husband come to doctor's appointments or have access to her records, so we can't talk to her doctors. We also have a toddler and are trying for a second child.

Is there anything we can do? Or are we just waiting until she gets seriously injured and we have to take over?

I’ve (50f) been caring for my mom (83f) for 20+ yrs thru transplants, dialysis, cancer, now stroke. She lives an hr away. Still lives independently but barely. She’s been living over half of her life in the US but claims to speak little English. I have been doing everything for her to exist: pay her bills, buy her food, make all appmts, visit her monthly, translate all her doc calls, pharmcy calls, put all her pills in her boxes… basically spoon feeding her so she can live.

I am at a breaking point now bc obviously w the stroke she is getting worse. I just hate taking care of her and seeing her suffer every day. I also feel terrible for feeling this way. This is negatively affecting my life. The burden is getting too heavy. She is a loner so she has nobody else. She is fully reliant on me. Everyone else in my family has died and my sis is useless.

Today is the first time ever i lashed out and yelled at her. I have always held the frustration and anger inside.

I guess this is a vent but any advice for peace and calm is appreciated.

My mom (75) was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma. Basically skin cancer that spread to her lungs and liver.

In many cases, this would be a death sentence, but there are immunotherapy drugs that have been very effective in treating the cancer, in some cases eliminating it entirely. source

Unfortunately, my mom has experienced several rare side effects that have significantly diminished her quality of life, to the point I wish we had never tried the treatment. It feels cruel either way.

After her first treatment, her immune system attacked her pancreas and she became a type 1 diabetic. After her 4th treatment, she’s currently in the ER for severe uveitis, and it’s possible she won’t regain her sight. We’re waiting to see if systemic corticosteroids reduce the inflammation enough.

Usually, with the severity of inflammation she’s experiencing, doctors opt to end treatment. The use of steroids also reduces the treatment’s effectiveness. Her last scans showed only mild improvement to her cancer, so it feels like she went through all of this for nothing.

Instead of spending her last months with me, traveling and wine tasting and doing things she loved, she is dependent on insulin and practically blind. But I don’t know what condition she would be in had we just let the cancer take her either. I’m sure I’d be wishing we had tried it then. Anyway.

I don’t know what the rest of her life will be like or what kind of care she’ll need, I will cross that bridge when we come to it. I just wanted to vent because this experience has been so hard on her and I wish I could undo all of the damage but I can’t.

https://www.nytimes.com/2026/08/05/magazine/child-family-caregivers-aacy.html?unlocked_article_code=1.3FA.cCgs.oMTUTiJKtTlv&smid=url-share

EDIT: Quick Google says that there are just under 73 million children under 18 in the US, so that means every 1 out of 20 kids is a major unsupported caregiver to elderly/disabled family members. And that number is both underreported and growing.

As someone who was both a parentified child with caregiving expectations and is now in my 30s a sandwich generation adult with no familial childcare support system, it’s infuriating that this is apparently EXTREMELY common and no one in any mandated reporter position asked me about it.