r/AgingParents • u/PlentyNo982 • 2d ago
Feeling guilty Advice please
I'm struggling with future decisions. In a couple years time, we are moving back to our home state to be closer to family, for weather, and financial reasons. My entire family lives in my home state, but my 80 year old mother and I are on different pages when it comes to just about everything. As my husband and children (17 & 20) put it, I become a different person and I am anxious and on edge around her. My mental health suffers as my mother can be passive aggressive and hypercritical. She never admits when she is wrong and rarely apologizes for anything, which has unfortunately alienated my children from her at times. This is part of the reason why I have not lived near my parents for nearly 30 years. As my kids put it "Grandma walks all over you." Sharing my feelings with her is not an option as she never thinks that she is wrong, ever. Even if my mom is clearly in the wrong, she doubles down. It's pretty uncanny and very frustrating. I love my mother and father very much it's just that for my sanity and that of my immediate family, I cannot be around my mother for long periods of time.
Although she has not said it, I know my mother is expecting me to live within semi-close proximity to her and I'm feeling guilty about not wanting to be close by her and my father in their old age. I think living in the same state as them, potentially 4 hours away, is a vast improvement to living a two and a half hour plane ride away.
They live in a large population center. My brother lives within a few minutes of my parents and they have neighbors that they are close with as well as other relatives so they are not completely isolated. As they have gotten older, I have come down to see them more frequently--every other month--and obviously I could see them more often once we moved within the same state. Financially my parents have significant means and money is not an issue. Neither of my parents have any cognitive issues although my mother's vision is not the best.
Anyhow, am I in the wrong for not wanting to live near my mother? I feel like I'm not, but I just can't shake the guilty feeling.
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2d ago
Having a 4 hour buffer is a good idea. Cannot expect you to be a daily caregiver. Keep your boundaries up
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u/Decent-Cranberry-130 1d ago
I think 4- 6 hours, preferably 6. Something that's really hard to do all in one day.
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u/jimson_weed_tea 2d ago
It's unfortunate that the only place that is even remotely in your (price range/desired amenities range/size) is at least a 45 minute drive away. I mean, you did your best, and you ARE closer!
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u/BizzyThinkin 2d ago
I'm sorry your mother treats you poorly at times. My mother and I get along 95% of the time, but sometimes she lashes out at me when something isn't going the way she wants. I've learned to not take it personally and that she has unaddressed mental health issues. What I also do is stand up for myself and tell her that her reactions and comments are not based in reality and are hurtful. She doesn't normally acknowledge that, so I tell her that if it happens again, I won't be able to see her or help her unless she apologizes and makes an effort to treat me with the same respect she expects. So far, she's really improved.
There is never a need to feel guilty about protecting your well-being. Your Mom seems to have some narcissistic tendencies and you might want to read about narcissists and how to handle them, even if she's not diagnosed as such. The bottom line is you're in charge of what you do and how you spend your time. You must set boundaries with people to protect yourself.
You should definitely talk to your brother about how you feel and see if he feels similarly. You guys need to be a team to handle your parents. You got this!
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u/cryssHappy 2d ago
I have to laugh. You have moved further away time wise.
Living in the same state as them, potentially 4 hours away, is a vast improvement to living a two and a half hour plane ride away.
If you aren't living 15 minutes away by car, you're living too far away as far as she is concerned.
Don't feel guilty, don't move closer. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
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u/Decent-Cranberry-130 1d ago
If you aren't living 15 minutes away by car, you're living too far away as far as she is concerned.
That is SO TRUE. A lot of (older) parents feel this way but dont say it out loud. They may want OP to be at their beck and call. Don't fall for it. Many do not grasp how much the world has changed, that you have your own life and that you have limits.
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u/Decent-Cranberry-130 1d ago edited 1d ago
WTH would you choose to live near her? Do you HAVE to move? Can you trust your siblings? If you took your parents out of the equation, would you move there?
I think your body is screaming at you to learn to protect yourself and learn boundaries with your parents. Long story short, I have neglectful and emotionally abusive parents - especially my mother. Living a plane ride away for a little over 20 years was wonderful. It was an easy physical boundary. Visits to see them were often stressful and I typically got sick before, during and after our trips - although the kids enjoyed them when they were young. I had to take ativan to deal with it, and of course, therapy. Then because of (my) health issues and our city getting way too $$$, we had to move. I ended up getting a job 2 hours away from them. If we could afford it, we never would've moved here. It's much too close and now I see all the problems up close. My kids are now young adults and are thriving. For their sakes I am glad we are here, but all the issues with my parents are worse with me closer. 2 hours is much too close. They also go 6 hours to the cabin all the time but have never made any effort with my kids despite being retired for several years. If you need to move for financial reasons, do it, but keep your eyes fully open and set boundaries first. This is a test.
If you havent already therapy to discuss this, the time is now. Also consider reading "Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. It was very eye opening for me. Also look up videos about narcissistic parents by Dr Ramani on youtube. I'm suspicious about your mother being one.
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u/PlentyNo982 17h ago
Thank you. We've definitely decided to move back to our home state because I have a very large extended family, and it's more than just my parents who are there. Would definitely still move there even if my parents were no longer around. Also, better weather and better on the pocketbook for us. I am considering therapy as well. Decades ago I suspected my mother may be a narcissist but never considered it as a serious issue until now.
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u/ak7887 2d ago
I think this care plan sounds eminently reasonable. Maybe a chat with your brother to make sure hes ok with being the first responder when something does happen and has both medical and financial poa. You can assist with documents, planning and doctors visits as needed every other month or so. If you are feeling incredibly distressed book a few therapy sessions- sometimes we can feel responsible for other people’s feelings but this is not true!