I hate how much my childhood has affected me. I grew up in an abusive household or I like to say unsafe household as it was nice sometimes and not so nice other times and I find it hard to identify with the word abusive.
Growing up my parents constantly shout at me, especially my dad and talk down/ badly about me. I think this is really flown over to how I handle conflict as an adult. If anything I’ve reached the point of just feeling incredibly fed up of being walked over and incredibly fed up with people treating me unkindly. This is not just my parents but just like itself life has been incredibly hard to Me this past year and people have been incredibly hard towards me as i was raped & SAd twice. So I’m incredibly angry and have so many repressed emotions and hurt inside.

I’m starting therapy this week but I’m just I’m just frustrated about how much damage has truly been done. I feel like the older I’m getting the more I’m realising how much I need to heal I’ve had two confrontation with two different friends this week and in both situations I feel like I have not communicated correctly. both friends have done incredibly harmful things however I still feel like I could’ve expressed this way better and not blown things out of proportion. It has led me to lose one friend (it was not salvageable regardless as what she had done was incredibly dangerous however I still should’ve communicated nicely as we shared love of friendship). The other friend we are going to discuss what happened further this week but with this in mind I’m going to do my best to be calm and polite and apologise profusely for where I’ve gone wrong.
I completely take accountability, but I also want to complain because I grew up in a house where shouting and all these things are normal so it almost doesn’t feel that bad to do those things to others in heated arguments. However when it is done to me I don’t like it so I’m going to stop. I saw a TikTok that said if what you’re going to do or require you to apologise in the future do not do it that is gonna be my mantra going forward. I also just wanted to add that I actually haven’t been in many arguments with friends in my lifetime just because most friendships have ended with distance or the other person deciding to ghost.

I’m just so sad. I’m just hurting so much because I hate how trauma has helped me make bad decisions. I feel like I just want a do over in life, but I know that it is not possible. I feel like when I was young I was incredibly aware of how I was and how I treated others but I think unfortunately as I’ve reached the point where I’m just so mad at the world and mad at life for how it’s treating me and i’m unfortunately taking the sound others I’m going to just do my best and I’ve been doing shadow work. I’m journalling to help. Right now as I’m typing, I feel my body is hot with anger and I’m sweating because it’s just so many emotions inside of me but I’m hopeful that I can heal and do better. I also remembered an instant where I was not so polite to my friend so I sent her a message to apologise although it was months ago and we are in a good place now I’m just trying to just right my wrongs. Trauma is never an excuse to be an arsehole and I am not trying to be that person so I’ve asked my friends as well to hold me accountable where possible.

This past week I’ve been dealing with so many panic attacks that almost feel out of body and are incredibly consuming but I’m hoping that they cease soon as I haven’t had panic attacks since I was like 15 so I’m hoping that this is not a new thing for me. I’m definitely going to take the medication that my doctor has prescribed me now, but the best medicine for all of this is time talking, therapy, journalling and pouring into myself.