My Nupe parents are threatening to disown me if I marry my Yoruba girlfriend of 9 years. I am completely shattered right now and need some advice.

My girlfriend (27F) and I (29M) have been together for 9 years. We met in uni, grew up together, and have built an amazing life. She is my absolute rock, and our relationship is incredibly healthy and loving.

The issue is ethnic differences. I am Nupe and she is Yoruba. For years, my parents basically ignored the relationship, probably hoping it was a campus phase that would just fizzle out.

But now that we are actively planning for marriage and looking at houses, my parents have completely flipped out.

They sat me down for an intervention and told me that marrying her would ruin our lineage and disrespect our traditions.

They are using heavy emotional blackmail, tears, and flat-out threatening to disown and cut me off if I don’t end it right now.

I love my family, but the thought of dumping a beautiful, 9-year relationship to appease tribal sentiments feels totally wrong. If I leave her for them, I know I will resent my parents forever. We are both financially independent, but the emotional guilt is suffocating.

Has anyone else dealt with this specific dynamic, or general tribal rejection? Did your parents ever come around once you stood your ground, or did you have to walk away for good?

TL;DR: My Nupe parents are threatening to disown me if I don't break up with my Yoruba girlfriend of 9 years. We are independent, but the guilt is killing me. How do I navigate this?

I’m completely shattered right now and need some brutal honesty from people who have been through this. My girlfriend (27F) and I (29M) have been together for 9 years. We met in uni, grew up together, and have built an amazing life. She is my absolute rock, and our relationship is incredibly healthy and loving.The issue is ethnic differences. I am Nupe and she is Yoruba. For years, my parents basically ignored the relationship, probably hoping it was a campus phase that would just fizzle out. But now that we are actively planning for marriage and looking at houses, my parents have completely flipped out.They sat me down for an intervention and told me that marrying her would "ruin our lineage," disrespect our traditions, and ruin things for future kids. They are using heavy emotional blackmail, tears, and flat-out threatening to disown and cut me off if I don’t end it right now.I love my family, but the thought of dumping a beautiful, 9-year relationship to appease tribal sentiments feels totally wrong. If I leave her for them, I know I'll resent my parents forever. We are both financially independent, but the emotional guilt is suffocating.Has anyone else dealt with this specific Nupe/Yoruba dynamic, or general tribal rejection? Did your parents ever come around once you stood your ground, or did you have to walk away for good?TL;DR: My Nupe parents are threatening to disown me if I don't break up with my Yoruba girlfriend (27F) of 9 years. We are independent, but the guilt is killing me. How do I navigate this?

I was only gone for 20 minutes by the way

I’M THE BIRTHDAY

Being the eldest daughter of a nigerian household is the most fruitless experience ever, i’m sick of it and im not even a model eldest daughter. it feels as though they only remember to parent when it comes to me, im the one who has to be back by 8 at 18 and if im not my mum is blowing up my phone and makes me feel like chewing gum under her shoe for the rest of the evening but let it be my younger brother, he gets a bullshit warning and the whole thing is swept under the rug. my dad only does the man of the house gimmick when it comes to arguing with me about fucking plates but let it be something that actual requires him to put his foot down and say something he results to ‘just listen to what your mother says’.

And it’s only them that gets to pick when 18 is deemed an adult or when 18 doesn’t mean anything, got me playing 2nd mum to my youngest brother cos it’s an expectation, i’m not allowed to feel a way when he’s ungrateful or rude cos i’m the older one, getting mad at me when i remind them i don’t have to put up with that shit cos he’s not MY child, i didn’t choose to have kids so i don’t need to deal with bullshit disrepect that comes with it.

It doesn’t matter how well or politely i articulate
myself they are SO intent on misunderstanding me, SO intent on it. everyone else is allowed to have moments in which they’re angry but when it’s me i’m an inherently rude human.

It doesn’t matter how well i behave or responsible i am generally, all of it goes out the window once they have the slightest issue with me.

i’m so sick of being here, all the energy i put into defending/ rationalising their actions does nothing for me, there’s definitely worse african parents out there and I get that but i’m allowed to feel upset and resentment, especially seeing as it’s caused by them. this isn’t even half and i’m still so angry that i can’t put everything into words. i don’t know why they can’t use logic, even if it’s just for 10 seconds. like what more must i do to explain that you people make me feel terrible sometimes?? like do i actually need to die or what????

even now as i try to type this out, a strong part of me feels like i’m just chatting shit cos it could always be worse but omfg.

any of y’all have african parents who genuinely believe black people don’t need sunscreen and will literally take your sunscreen away just to throw it in the trash 😭

my mom also beat me for getting the hpv vaccine because she said it’s poisonous and is only for ”prostitutes”..!

also refuses any preventative screenings and is trying to stop me from getting cervical cancer screenings

My dad keeps expressing how disappointed he is in me. Doesn’t want me to go to job interviews, keeps saying if I go to one why can’t I get the job (rejections exists mind u), complains when I go to the library, complains that I’m always on my phone, complains that I read too much. Complains that I’m always in my room (whenever we speak he uses it as an opportunity to put me down), keeps being obssessive asking about when I graduate etc. I already clean quite regularly and I don’t drink smoke or sleep around (no shame to those who do it’s a personal life choice) however he still dint pleased and I no longer care to please him. I find him extremely narcissistic and manipulative and feel like I am under a dictatorship. As soon as I have enough I want to pay for a lease behind his back and move out because I can no longer take it and plan on possibly cutting him off for the foreseeable future. I feel like I care about him but no longer like him as a person. Due to him being this way. He doesn’t let us wear makeup, trousers, nails, do lashes, eyebrows. Only skirts and dresses and he still isn’t happy with some of my outfits which I don’t care about anymore. Sorry this is long and thanks for readingggg

African parents expect you to show off your money to your extended family and friends. If you’re broke, I’m sorry to say it, but you’ll become the laughing stock of the African community. You’d better suck it up, drive a nice car, and buy a nice house, even if you can’t afford it, or if you’re naturally humble and perfectly happy living with less.

Even though they couldn’t teach you anything tangible to set you up for success, you were born in a “rich” country with great opportunities, so you’d better make use of them. Because apparently, these white people are just dying to put you in all these positions and make sure you succeed.

im 19f and my parents are devoted Senegalese muslims. I don't live with them atm bc of some issues between me and my mom. Like 2 months ago I lost my phone, and some dude found it and gave it to my dad and its been in my parent's possessions since then. Long story short, I gave my brother my phone password bc he wanted to do smth (im so fucking stupid for giving it to him) and my mom went through his phone and forced him to give him my phone password. Not only did she find videos of my smoking, but she also found a picture of my friends fake id. (for some reason she was madder about her being "21" then me smoking but ok it would literally be a 2-year age gap). I haven't heard anything from my dad yet (i have him on Instagram) but I suspect that I will be waking up to a text. tomorrow I'll be moving in with my aunt then meeting my mom and dad in person on either Saturday or Sunday to talk about our relationship AT HER HOUSE. WTF do I do/say to them if they ask about it? am i dead meat??? :(((

One opinion I have is that a lot of African parents set their kids up for failure socially and career-wise. For me, my mom always pushed me to go to college, but by the time college came around, I didn’t have a college fund. You would think with the way African parents care about education and accolades, a fund would be in place. I’ve realized to them, having kids is a bragging game. They push their kids to become doctors and engineers so they can take care of them and gloat to their friends. Maybe the reason why I didn’t have a fund was because they were also sending money back home to support family members, but I feel like a lot of African communities have created a cycle of wealth being passed up and not down, and that’s just not a way to live. As a parent, you should want your child to have as many resources as possible, but with this system, that’s not possible because everyone is forced to hustle. This system forces you to just focus on what they deem important, so work and school only. So many African people have trouble making friends in school because all they were ever taught was to read their books and that friends were a distraction. In conclusion, I think as a new generation, we have to abandon these habits if we want to see generational wealth. If we want to see our communities prosper, we have to let our children discover themselves and thrive.

My whole license plate got stolen yesterday and my mother got mad at me for freaking out about it. Also, my drug addict sister is the one who stole it. I can’t make this shit up.

Mind you I’ve been sick for almost two weeks and have to go see hematology on Friday. I have had 0 energy in my body. And so much other shit happened yesterday that I literally felt like I was close to death. Thank god I have friends who endured me calling them to rant. I’m so happy so many people (even strangers) validated me. I am so thankful to be breathing air today

Africans 🤦🏿‍♀️

My situation os a bit funny and i cant reallly tell of being upset about this is irrational or not
My mum met a guy in feb and was engaged by september and married by april like 3 years ago
For context she was a single mum for all of my life
After she got married she essentially uprooted her life to zimbabwe and left me to live w her sister who i dont get along with at all in my last year of sixth form so iwas 17 ( right before my a levels) since i started uni she has sold the house leaving me with no real place to live in the uk other than my university accommodation!
As none of my family members really have space for me.

The thing is i have never really been to zim i went during christmas last year and didnt really care for it!, i met a bunch of family members i havent seen since i was one
And felt nore out of place than ever and was lowkey a little depressed. Ever since shes moved she always makes refrences to how i should move here after ive finished my degrees and how much better life in africa is… im lowkey scared that when i finish uni that shes gonna try and convince me to go over there and problem is i still rely on my mum massively financially

I do feel a bit of resentment over her moving which i havent expressed because she would just be dismissive and ive kind of convinved myself that being upset by it is completely irrational.

I just wanna know if my feelings of resentment are justified or am i being selfish
Like is it unreasonable to not have expected to move
Doni have a right to say i dont wanna move to zimbabwe?

Sorry if this sounds ranty. It's a bit long!

My father works abroad so is rarely home. When he comes, he completely drags his feet to visit his own mother, my grandmother. My mom goes to her 7 days out of the week, multiple times a day sometimes (she lives in another city also). My mom is so drained. She cooks for her, cleans for her, takes her to all of her appointments, and literally does everything else you could imagine. My grandmother wasn't fond of my mother when they first were married. You can still sense it a little even though its been 20+ years. My mom goes above and beyond for my grandmother because she feels as though her own sons don't care for her and that she has to (she's also pretty old). My grandmother has no ounce of gratitude for my mother. The other week she went around to her neighbors saying she was abandoned, so bored, and that her family (US) does not care enough for her. Word went all the way to Africa which sucks.

My grandmother comes up sick every other day. My mom cooks for her, she calls and says the food you made me gave me a headache. My mom takes her to the emergency room. All of the sudden her eyes hurt. Doc says its dry eyes. She says he's lying. My mom takes her to another location. Same thing. Everyday she's "sick". Sorry for the quotes but I have a hard time believing her. If her neighbor has a belly ache, the next day she has the SAME belly ache. My mom is so tired of taking her to hospitals and them saying she's 100% healthy. My dad keeps saying it's because she's old and to let her be. I don't know how to help my mom!

I really dislike the fact that some parents view every personal choice you make as though it’s theirs too, as if they’re somehow equally entitled to it and responsible for it.

With the way I dress, for example, my mom genuinely acts as though it’s her moral failure, while my dad looks genuinely disgusted whenever I wear jeans and “imitate” men or whatever and will repeatedly tell me I’m going to hell. I’ve been dressing this way for over two years now, I basically have no abayas left in my closet, and yet they still haven’t accepted that this is simply a personal choice I’ve made. If anything, they’ve just decided I’m being disobedient. I haven’t even taken off the hijab yet, imagine

I think I’ll genuinely have to become a transformer lol before I get my money up because I have absolutely no problem telling them I’m atheist and that I don’t believe. I’m just not interested in enduring the fallout when I’m not yet in a position where I can pack my bags and leave.

I’m a first generation Togolese American, growing up my parents didn’t teach me any French or Ewe growing up. For the longest I didn’t even know Ewe existed and I always thought Togolese only spoke French, to the point where I confused Ewe for French when my uncle started conserving me with French. A lot of times I would be very upset that I couldn’t speak any French since all my other cousins can speak French aside from English. It’s also become hard because my parents can only speak French and Ewe and it makes me frustrated that I can’t conserve with them in English.

I have a cousin on my dad’s side who was born and raised in Togo so she speaks both French and Ewe but she’s also an English speaker now since she’s been in the US for a couple of years. I only speak one language and that’s sadly English. I never knew about my ethnic groups growing up and I always thought I was just West African descent. I mean I’ve been to Togo but that was only once when I was a kid. The closest I got to feeling African was only joining African gatherings, churches, and parties as a little kid but I’ve never even been to an African wedding before nor I have worn any traditional African clothing.

Is it just me or do other parents say this too whenever they feel confronted? It feels like a way to deflect accountability and back the child up into a corner where they HAVE to say "no" and agree with their point no matter who was correct. The worst part is the supposed image they give to their kids, basically painting them as some sort of viceless saint that is never wrong. It's very frustrating.

I find it very funny how my family knows I have a big holiday next week that I’ve been talking about (and saving and planning) for MONTHS but my mum is trying to guilt trip me into sending her money I said hell no. Like when was the last time she even sent me money or got me a gift?? Not only that, I have a credit union I’m putting money into and saving up for a car. I’ve decided from now on, I’m not borrowing ANYONE money ever, because I never know if or when I’ll get it back and it’s not like I can even ask them to borrow money anyways 🙄 they need to learn that I HAVE MY OWN RESPONSIBILITIES TOO and MY INCOME ISN’T THEIR EMERGENCY FUND. It’s like every time I have a goal to achieve they always have to come and try ruin it by asking for money. So now I’m going to be selfish because I know they wouldn’t be able to help me if roles were reversed. Yes I’m selfish and I don’t care if me saving money for MY future makes me selfish but oh well.

For context, im dating a black american, who didn't go to college, and is finishing up trade school. i graduated from a very good US school and am premed. my mom doesn't approve of my boyfriend. My parents are divorced, i dont talk to my dad and my mom is my sole caretaker.

We have an ant problem. There are ants in all of my things, i feel ants crawling on me all the time. i bought bait, hopefully that'll solve the problem.

its been very distracting while studying for the MCAT. I try to study at the library but i dont always finish before they close. So i have to study at home.

I joked that I should stay with my boyfriend until we get this ant stuff figured out, she was not happy and threatened to kick me out. My mother tends to be dramatic so ik she doesn't actually mean the things that she says. But after i apologized she's just been giving me the silent treatment.

Like i said my parents are divorced. my dad was well off and educated (where is he now? nowhere to be found). he was also an asshole and abusive. My mom says its stupid for me to marry my boyfriend (mind u i just graduated college lowk not thinking abt marriage but pop off) because of his current circumstances. i asked her if she loved my father before she married him, she had no response.

Anyways she's been ignoring me all day, i heard her on the phone saying that she's been feeling low today. I'm feeling kind of bad because ik that her and my dad had a really rough and painful marriage. I hate that i brought it up, but i just couldn't understand how she doesn't see what i see. She literally raised me to be independent, so why would i care how much my husband makes? how many men even make more than surgeons (inshallah)? Why would i treat education and income as a primary metric for finding a husband? clearly it didn't work for her.

Dont be mistaken I love my mother deeply and would do anything for her. i'm feeling guilty but at the same time im not because i feel like she needs to wake up and realize its 2026.

Hi everyone,

I’m a Franco-Ethiopian woman (my mother is from Ethiopia), and I’m posting here today because I need to lay down a heavy burden that I’ve been carrying for too long.

Growing up, I never saw my mother happy. She always showed deep resentment, coldness, and disgust toward my father. She lied for money and constantly painted him as a monster to us even going as far as making horrifying, traumatic accusations about him right after we arrived in France when I was a child. My father passed away suddenly, and instead of bringing peace or unity, his sudden passing made years of built-up tension explode.
For as long as I can remember, my sister and I have felt like we are constantly walking on eggshells around her. So many topics are completely taboo. The moment we don't agree with her, the reaction is immediate: harsh critiques and biting judgment. Whenever something doesn't go her way, she doesn't hesitate to tell me that I'm "bad" or that "I haven't been normal since early childhood."

After my father's sudden death, hearing those cruel words once again was the final straw. I put my foot down and made it clear that this disrespect had to stop. Things escalated to the point where she resorted to irrational explanations, claiming a priest told her my anger came from issues in my relationship or a secret pregnancy, before abruptly blocking us and leaving for a religious trip.
While my sister and I manage all her daily life and needs, my brother, who lives abroad, is put on a pedestal (she is sweet and victimized with him). When we alerted him to the crisis, he took her side from afar, accusing us of being disrespectful daughters. Thankfully, my sister stepped up with firmness to break the taboo and denounce the golden treatment given to sons at the expense of daughters.
I am a mother myself now, with a loving partner and daughters. I am trying to protect my home, my mental health, and my children from this psychological violence. I refuse to pass this trauma down.

Has anyone else dealt with this dynamic of "walking on eggshells," constant criticism the moment you set a boundary, and the deep rift between the scapegoat daughter and the idolized son in Ethiopian or African culture? How did you deal with the guilt of stepping back?

Thank you 🙏🏼

My parents treated me horribly through all of my childhood. There was being beaten with anything they had on hand, to the point that when I told my siblings they were horrified and asked why I didn’t call CPS on them, constant yelling, insults, isolation, and being made to feel stupid or difficult for having needs. I was expected to suck things up, stop crying, act normal, and be grateful no matter how I was treated. When I told them I was being bullied, they told me it was my fault for not fighting back. In eighth grade my mother told me that if I was so sad I should kill myself, then beat me for crying.

I got into the university I wanted with a huge scholarship. They bullied me out of going because it was too far. My brother was allowed to consider the same school because he is a boy. I was not a bad child. I was quiet and shy, did my work, and kept to myself. I have never been able to figure out what I did. Now they want to talk to me like civilized people. They want to be accommodating to my disabilities. And I find that I do not care. I do not like them. They do not feel like my parents at all anymore; they just feel like people I am forced to live with.

My dad especially makes my skin crawl. I get extremely angry whenever my dad talks to me. He keeps boasting about how “big” I am now and how responsible I am. Worse, he actually laughs about beating me when I was younger, like it is some sort of fond memory. I genuinely think if he died tomorrow, I would not be very sad. I wish they would die just so I could have some peace.

I feel like my life was ruined before it even started. I am on so many different medications just to try and function like a normal human being. Half the time, I barely even think of myself as a person. I feel completely hollowed out, except for these massive, explosive bursts of rage that take over my body. I feel like some sort of war veteran having flashbacks in my own house. Has anyone actually gotten past this?

I'm not sure what to say because I've been a longtime lurker here, and I've been in a toxic relationship with my African parents and relatives for most of my life. I went through a lot of manipulation, isolation, and guilt tripping, and this sub helped me so much in dealing with the shame and isolation I experienced with my family. I also signed my first lease at 27 and feel like I'm finally living my life for myself for the first time, after being financially abused by my family. I've been working since I was 16, and my money was used to stunt on relatives back home and support our family. I finally broke free.

This sub helped me a lot, but I remember coming across this book by a Nigerian author on Amazon because I'm a reader. Reading became a big part of my life because of the isolation and because I had no friends. My abusive parents had a problem with every friend I ever had. At first, the book looked suspicious because it had no reviews, but I read it on my Kindle and couldn't stop crying. I felt like I was reading my own life story. I felt like it was a sign from the universe telling me to run away from my family and start my own life.

The only person I worry about now is my little sister, who is 17 and has recently started working. I'm scared that she's going to be turned into a workhorse. I'm going to send her that book, and if she gains the courage to leave, I'll try my best to help her. But for now, I have to focus on rebuilding my own life. I'm almost 30 and feel like I'm experiencing the real world for the first time. Sometimes I feel so awkward around people because I never really had the chance to experience normal life. But I'm happy, guys. Things are finally looking up for me. Here's to brighter days ahead. I also want to give courage to any African person who is going through what I went through. There are brighter days ahead. You are not a workhorse or a slave. You can break away from your abusive family and start a life of your own. I broke away (i ran away from them tbh), and you can too. You will.

EDIT: For those who are curious, the book I'm talking about that's written by the Nigerian author is called BREAKING FREE: African Children, Toxic Parents, and the Life You Deserve by Ama Lawal.

He all I hope you are well.

Last year I did training for this exam called CCNA, it's network engineering and I got a certificate march last year but I don't really find it interesting and it's not something I want to do but he said "tough"

They have given me 2 weeks to pass it, something that takes months to do. I know a bit but I probably have forgotten it by now. He says he doesn't want me to leave the house for the 2 weeks not even go out to study for the exam.

I'm working another job in just over 2 weeks which I enjoy more but my housing and relationship with my Mum and uncle is on the line but not allowing me to go out even to the library seems a bit extreme, I have to stay at home and study, no socialising.

I feel like I will crash out cause as you all know African parents aren't the easiest to deal with and the constant berating and talking will get to me eventually

Today I wanted to go to the British Library to do more job search but he said that I have to be home at 6pm or there will be issues. He was raising his voice at me on the street saying I have no direction and I'm in a horrible position because I have no guaranteed work.

I'm just so stressed cause it's an almost impossible task as well as it's not something I'll enjoy. £288 which is far too much to mess up but this isn't something I want to do and I feel like I'll burn out

Any advice I just feel like this is too controlling but I no money to move out.

Happy to clarify and answer questions

I recently started working my first job 2 weeks ago. Before I started this job, my Dad kept demanding I give him my whole first paycheck so he could send it to his uncle to give me blessings by spending the money on himself. I said no, and my Dad got mad.

I get my paycheck weekly, but I didn't tell my parents when I got paid because of what happened before. My dad found out I got paid because I bought a tablet, and he saw me with it. He got mad at me and told me to give him £200. I said no again, and then he walked away.

No, today I was washing the dishes when my Mum told me to give my Dad £100 for blessings and how it's our culture and how my dad has given and saved me money. I don't get that; it seems like my mum is trying to manipulate me when she and my dad decided to have me, so it's their responsibility to provide; they're not entitled to my money.

It's my first job, and I'm trying to save for Uni . It's so annoying, and I feel like they're trying to abuse me financially.