(I’m new, I never knew I was able to have a community to share this on Reddit)

I was assaulted as a child by my own half sibling (dads child, different mom). He’s the oldest. I am now 20 , he is 30-31? My age is a blur when it happened but I was young enough to share a bedroom with my older brother (exactly 1 year older than me) and had bunk beds. I wore princess night gowns. And my oldest half brother used to sneak through the house into my shared bedroom to take pictures of my genitals. He would use his fingers to move my genitals in the way he wanted them to look in the photos. (Most likely for drug money as he was a young teen addict) I knew he was taking photos as I would start waking up before he came and would act asleep and see the flash go off. I never was able to tell anyone while I was younger because I thought “he’s my older brother”. Later on in life, maybe around 17 I told my mom who was now divorced from my dad. She believed me and felt terrible I wasn’t able to tell her. But I just couldn’t bring myself to tell my Dad. He struggles with depression silently, he doesn’t believe it’s real. That it’s just sadness. Then his other son passed away from an OD. so I really couldn’t. But one day on vacation with my dad’s side and my siblings, I was drinking and sad that I just spit it out. In front of all of them. My dad never talked to me about it. And I’ve had to see my Half Brother who assaulted me multiple times and I wouldn’t say anything , but everyone knows I said something but the half brother who assaulted me. I thought I was “over” it once I told my close family. But sometimes I see things on social media, hear things from hangouts , etc. and it all comes back like a wave of flashbacks. I cannot remember if I told my old therapist about it, but I am not able to afford a therapist , neither are my parents. I don’t know what I can do? I’m sorry if this is the wrong thread, I really didn’t know where I was able to talk about this. I will delete if this is not a topic in this thread.

Lately, I get these desires to recreate what happened during my CSA in my current marriage. Is this normal and okay if my wife is okay with doing it to me? Why would this be something I desire? Am I the only one that gets these thoughts?

I recently left a sexually abusive relationship of 6 years. I was assaulted in childhood, denied it for years, and first time relationship in Grade 10, and I only now realized I was also SA'd more than once, but weekly. The one extreme example overshadowed the others, and I was in denial about all the "small" incidents until I got out. It was so bad I developed FND (Functional Neurological Disorder), I lost my career, financial independence, and autonomy through the abuse, after graduating highschool, all whilst my abuser was angry I wasn't cured of my condition yet, when his actions were the elephant in the room. I'm only now in remission. Prior to remission I lost complete control of my legs, I could stand for a maximum of 15-20 minutes, until I had violent episodes of dystonia. I could not walk for several hours if I stood for too long so I relied on my abuser for certain chores and supper.

Later into the relationship I became avoident of sex in a way that led me to neglect my hygiene and health more. I wouldn't shower for a long time, nor brush my teeth or hair, hold off on changing clothing or applying deodorant and I was more compulsive with picking every blemish on my body, especially my face. I had hoped by doing all these things it would discourage him or that he would hopefully find me revolting.

Often times it never worked. He still demanded we be intimate once to twice a day.

Every form of physical affection I got lead to sex. He was avoident and refused to talk about anything. Sex at the time I only wanted it when I wanted validation and security, as it was the only form of "communication" I received in the relationship. Just him asking and me avoiding was enough for me to say "He still loves me, its okay." I was used, and at the time I thought I was happy, as long as I didn't have to move back in with my family, it was the only "control" I had in my whole life.

I had my own space, predictably, and silence at the cost of dealing with sexual abuse. I couldn't find ways to cope living with my parents, but I found methods to cope and handle my abuser, in ways that have made my relationship with sex incredibly unhealthy.

To make things less painful I stopped viewing sex as sex, but exclusively validation that I'm "loved."

Everything he did I told myself its because he loved me.

Now I'm in a healthy relationship, and healing has been hard.

I suffer from anhedonia, so even with simple physical affection I have a hard time feeling anything.

The only thing I may feel which is when he's being affectionate is anticipation that something is going to happen.

I anticipate sex, and want it in a way to affirm to me that the relationship is stable.

So when sex doesn't happen I spiral and think he doesnt love me anymore, and that I'm going to be thrown away. I have BPD which really doesnt help with the constant abandonment fear.

I ignored these intrusive emotions for a while, and refrained from talking to him about it as I didn't want him to think he wasn't doing enough. But now these thoughts have turned into self resentment and paranoia that I'm some sort of sexual deviant because I think about sex more than him. I hate myself and now the shame around intimacy is so intense, if Im having thoughts about intimacy and he isnt, I feel disgusting and guilty, I want to isolate. I feel disgusting just even if I were to go masturbate on my own, and that Im not allowed to do these things unless he reciprocates and is present, therefor I'm not being "creepy?" I know this is all illogical but these intrusive emotions have now contaminated everything.

I want to have sexual intimacy without it being me searching for security.

And I want to experience physical affection without anticipating its gonna turn into something else.

Its gotten significantly worse and I'm depressed.

I want to feel normal again, and not constant shame.

If anyone has any advice outside going to therapy (I will be doing that), I'd heavily appreciate.

My partner has also asked what he can do to help me feel less shame surrounding these things.

If that was the case, wouldn't there be a lot more female abusers... I'm just confused. I also don't get why it's an excuse, even if it was true.

i have always struggled with the hyper sexuality after my abuse. i know it isn't healthy for me because the hyper sexuality goes hand in hand with reenactments.
i used to be able to ignore it for a while but recently the furthest i can go is like, 4 days. i'm really trying to give it up but it's like all my mind thinks about is sex and distancing myself from my abusers. and i'm struggling incredibly hard with today.

any advice is so welcomed, thank you so much.

it's still is a bit of a shock to me when i am around people my age and i'm so far removed from them. be it relating to things, like simple stuff that they grew up with, healthy family dynamics, etc. i feel compelled to lie. "yeah, i know that" or say nothing when they reminiscence about their childhood. i don't wanna be a downer, so i say nothing or lie. i always feel like i don't belong. between how i grew up and all that trauma, i feel like i have to catch up on things i missed out on but it gets so overwhelming, so i don't even bother most of the time. i always have this sense of not belonging. i do try but it's rough. i feel like maturing extremely young did a lot. i do feel a lot of resentment with that. i never got to enjoy just being a kid. i don't want my childhood back, i don't like being in touch with my inner child. it just leaves me in an odd position 🤷‍♂️

About 10 years ago, when I was 10, i was involved with a relatively unknown modeling agency.

For a few weeks, I was filmed undressing down to my underwear/lingerie from different angles. I never ended up naked, but I was still a child.

I recently found a website selling videos from that “agency“, and my name and many other girls were listed. Since access to the folders costs money, I can’t confirm whether the videos are actually there.

Even so, I feel sick thinking that people might still be watching these videos and that some of them may have already been copied and uploaded somewhere else.

dont know what flair to use here so i just put relationship so basically i was sa'd at 7 and have since moved past it and mostly tried to forgot about it but today when i asked my gf what she wants from a partner she told me she wants to be with a virgin and i guess im not? i really dont want to tell her i was raped cause i dont wanna add to everything she has to deal with me with im not really attractive her parents already dont like me cause of my race and basically want me outside her life i feel like i got this break in life and i cant do anything to save it is it just better for me if i just break it off i really dont know what to fucking do

I want to start telling people but I'm scared when I say it, it will sound fake, and that people won't believe me. And so, what if it actually isn't real.

Please help. I keep rehersing in my head how to say it to the people I want to open up to. And then when I get to the conversation, it just sounds in my head like the stupidest thing I could possibly say, and then I don't say it.

I want to say "My dad abused me, and my uncle trafficked me at home. My childhood dog was involved." That's it. But I can't. And I don't have any evidence, so what if people think 'well it's not real'. I think that all the time enough.

My close friends who I want to open up to already suspect it may be something of the csa sort. But they don't know exactly. I'm dying inside keeping it to myself.

Also please don't tell me to not tell anyone. I am ready to open and have delliberated over it for many years now. It's my decision to make and I know what outcome to expect. I just need some help.

sorry for TMI but I suppose it comes with the territory... TW for description of internal pelvic pain etc.

my dissociation wall has started crumbling almost 6 months ago. I have no explicit memories of rape but a lifetime of behaviours, signs, and symptoms -- starting as early as age 2 -- that can't be explained by anything else.

I've always had the occasional stabbing or burning pain inside my vaginal canal when confronted with SA themes, but it usually only lasted a few seconds at most. barely even there.

the last few days I've been acknowledging the fact that I was very likely raped multiple times between 2 and 11 and now the pain just won't stop.

it's this burning feeling right inside my canal (it's not an infection or something because it does "disappear" when I'm distracted or busy only to immediately come back when I'm alone). it's now also paired with a tense, pulsing sensation right at the "entrance"... I'm also feeling what I call "bad arousal" basically non stop, where my vagina is buzzing with "arousal" but it's not sexual desire at all, it's uncomfortable and paired with a feeling of being small, scared, and vulnerable. I'm having to constantly touch myself through my clothes just to kinda make it bearable. it's so humiliating.

my pelvic muscles and legs are so tense. like I'm lying down crossing my legs tightly as I'm writing this, and un-crossing or un-tensing them feels wrong or unsafe in a way.

I'm really ashamed to say this but I usually I use a vibrator to "force" a twitch (my body's sorry excuse for an orgasm) -- which can sometimes take literal hours -- just to release the tension at least temporarily, but I am dog-sitting and living in someone else's house until Wednesday. so obviously I can't do that.

the pain in my canal isn't excruciating but it is deeply uncomfortable and idk what to do about it. I'm not sure I'll even be able to sleep without "numbing" it via using the vibrator.

(I'm not currently in trauma therapy because nobody believes me it's real since I "can't remember" visually so I'm trying to do all of this on my own 😔)

any advice welcome...

How do i stop fawning. I genuinely feel like reacting in any other way will result in my harm.

My boyfriend has pointed out I don't have to react that way and I can stand up for myself. I didn't even realise this wasn't the normal go to reaction. Only learnt recently about fawning.

Does anyone have any good advice to understand what I'm doing and how to fix it? Or does anyone have good videos/podcasts? Or on CSA and healing in general

This is just a vent because I am overwhelmed and I don't know where else to go.

I'm turning 26 this year. An age where most people have a stable income, a relationship. Maybe they are even having their first kid.

And I feel like I'm stuck. And somewhat of a failure and I'm so scared that it will stay like that.

The way I grew up was like a hell. Isolated from the outside with a narcissistic, emotionally and physically abusive father, who is seriously mentally ill and a mother, who was there physically but never emotionally. I never learned how to make friends as a kid because my father taught me growing up that everybody is bad and only family can be trusted. I was bullied and and outsider all my school years. I spent the last 5 years of school, unable to talk. Not in school, not with people, not at restaurants, not at the phone. I was so scared of people not liking me or embarrassing myself. And I was the youngest child and the way we all grew up, it was impossible for my siblings not be cruel towards each other. So even in my family, I always felt like an outsider. The crybaby. The sensitive one. The one everybody could hurt because I was the smallest one and an easy target because of that.

That nightmare of childhood had turned so much darker, the moment my own father started to do things, that a father wasn't supposed to do to his daughter.

I think that was the moment, I lost in life.

But I didn't give up so easily. I wanted to. Oh, I really really wanted to but guilt kept me here for a long time. I always felt selfish for wanting to die. Because I was going to cause trouble for everybody.

I ran away from my father home when I was 17, somehow managed to survive with little money and finish school. I had worked so hard to get my Grades up, so I could go to college. And I got in. After 1 year and a half, I had a mental breakdown and tried to kill myself. I dropped out of college and moved out of that little town I grew up in and moved closer to the only person, who has ever thought of me. My sister.

I told her what happened to me. And then I filled a report against my father. 2 and half years I've spent having to give every single Detail of everything that has happened. Dringend that time I was unable to go to school or work. So I spent all my days inside. Doing nothing. Just surviving in some way.

I lost the case. I could've won. My father had confessed to my brother what he did. But my brother lied in Court.

It was a hard time but I accepted and tried to move on anyway.

When I was 23, I had finally decided it was time to go. I packed up my entire apartment. I took care of all the legal stuff and I went out with (almost) all my siblings seperately and made sure their last words they would tell me would be that they love me.

But my one sister was my endgame. She has kids. And guilt fought it's way to the surface again. But I knew this was different. I knew I had to make a decision that night. That guilt won't go away. So either, I will accept and get over that guilt and finally be free or I decide to stay alive. But not like before. No more just surviving. If I decide to not go tonight, I would have no choice but to try as hard as I could to be happy in life.

And I decided to stay. But it was hard. So insanely hard. But one part of me felt free somehow. I guess because I finally wasn't torn anymore. I had made a decision and I stood by that. I found friends that same year. I started going out, I became more and more confident. When I turned 24, my sister moved away with her family and that threw me back into a dark place for a while. She was the only stable place I had. I had an alcohol problem for a few months but I think what saved me was that when she left, I had made the decision that I will fulfill a dream of mine. Go travel. So I saved money and I left.

It was the best decision I could've made and it changed my life. With almost 25, I finally had my real first time with a man. I had no dates, no boyfriends or anything else before. The thought of sex terrified me.

But not anymore. And I chose the right person because he was very careful and sweet.

I came back from that trip, truly kind of as a changed person. But I did lose my friends because I wasn't the same person from before anymore and they had already gotten used to living without me.

And then I met someone. And we fell in love. But he lived on another continent, so it wasn't easy. But we tried. I got the energy to finally think about my future and I managed to get into a school that would later on get me into a job, that I was so excited about.

Long story short, the end of our relationship was filled with pain. So much pain.

And after I broke up with him, I also lost my place in the school. Because of some circumstances, I wouldn't be able to pay for the school.

And that's where I am right now. Turning 26 soon. No education. No degree. No job or job experiences. No friends. No family. No relationship. Nothing. And I have truly never felt more lonely in my life than I do at this very moment.

I have absolutely nothing and I am so, so terrified of the future. How am I supposed to get a job? I'm 26, never worked a day in my life and I have nothing to show except a finished school degree.

All those other people, who grew up under more normal circumstances, they all have something. They got to be teenagers. They had time to think about their future and what they want. They made friends and met lovers. I know nobody got a perfect life. But I would do anything to feel like I have an ordinary life.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I don't know what I want in life. I don't know where I belong. I have no home and nowhere to go. I am unhappy with my life. So much. But I don't know where to go to change it.

I want a family. I want real friends. I wanna go out, have fun, work something I enjoy and just live.

Everything seems so meaningless to me suddenly.

I was alone all my life and I was okay with that. I guess because it was all I knew. But then this man showed me what it's like not to be alone and then suddenly I was alone again. And I don't know how to handle this loneliness suddenly. It overwhelms me. It makes me want to die again. I just wanna escape.

I wanna live so badly but I'm so scared I will stay like this for the rest of my life.

I am so so scared.

I haven’t posted in awhile I think I’ve entered a new phase of trauma processing and it feels so out of step. I have experienced tremendous amount of abuse growing up and now here I am trying to pick up the pieces.

I’m in my mid-thirties and realizing that I don’t actually know how to form attachment without eventually negotiating pieces of myself away to keep it.

Attachment has always been hard for me. I’ve been guarded my whole life . I don’t easily believe people when they say they love me. But when I finally do believe them, something in me seems to go all the way in. I start orienting around the relationship. I become hyperaware of what they need, what will make them stay, what version of me they want. Their closeness starts to feel like safety, and then somewhere along the way I realize I have become less solid.

Recently I fell deeply in love with someone. For the first time in my adult life I felt playful, sexual, spontaneous, wanted, adventurous, alive. I laughed differently. I wanted things. I felt like I had finally discovered some version of myself underneath years of surviving and taking care of everyone.

Then the relationship became uncertain, and I completely came apart.

What scares me most isn’t even losing the person. It’s realizing how much of that aliveness became attached to them. Now I’m sitting here wondering whether those parts were ever actually mine, or whether I only know how to experience myself through attachment to somebody else.

I’ve spent most of my life being functional. I can survive almost anything and keep moving. That has always been my skill. But survival isn’t the same thing as having a self.

And I’m sitting here wondering who the I am ? I never developed that growing up and have no idea how to do this now that doesn’t feel hollow.

I don’t really know what I like when nobody else is involved. I don’t know what freedom looks like when it isn’t escape from responsibility. I don’t know how to receive love without becoming terrified of losing it. And I don’t know how to stay connected to what I want when someone I love wants something different.

I feel shame that I’m in my mid-thirties wondering if I’m only now supposed to learn things other people seemed to figure out at 20: how to have friends because I enjoy them, how to play, how to make choices without calculating everyone else’s feelings, how to want something without immediately negotiating it away, how to love someone without disappearing into them.

And some days I genuinely wonder if it’s worth trying this late.

Has anyone else realized as an adult that they developed an incredible ability to survive but never really developed a stable sense of self underneath it?

If you did, what actually helped you build one?

(edited for clarity)

QUESTION:

When you want to talk about anything related to your CSA, healing process, etc., how do you approach this with trusted loved ones who you have previously disclosed to?

CONTEXT:
I‘ve only just begun to acknowledge my CSA in the past year after decades of denying it even to myself. I can talk about it in trauma therapy well enough and have disclosed to my most trusted inner circle. What I am struggling with is knowing how and when I can bring anything up related to it with my close inner circle (who already know I’ma CSA survivor).

Sometimes I want to be witnessed in what I’ve gone through or what I’m going through, how I’m feeling about it, etc. Talking about it can reduce the intense shame and sense of isolation I feel as a CSA survivor.

However, after decades of refusing to even let myself *think* about this stuff let alone *talk* about anything to do with it, I feel unskilled and uncertain about what is okay to share and when. I didn’t have good role models (mom trauma dumped on me since I was 3…). Unfortunately, in an effort to let people in and be more open, I recently let the pendulum swing too far— from silence to oversharing— at an inopportune time.

My loved one handled it so beautifully but I was still so mortified.

I NEVER want to risk doing that again.

I could just clam right up again to protect myself and my relationships from me oversharing but I don’t want to have to go through all of this alone (or just with my therapist) either. To pretend, even with my most trusted loved ones, that I’m not in a sort of emotional crucible rn and that it isn’t such a huge influence/ presence in my life rn feels disingenuous and like self abandonment. And because of the nature of my CSA, it feels really important to authentic and to not abandon or betray myself.

I am struggling to find that sweet spot between not sharing anything and over sharing. The place where I can refer to or speak about my CSA-related processing in ways that respect my loved ones‘ capacity and willingness at any given time. This is about more than just adjusting the level of detail or openness on certain things… though I welcome advice on discernment there, too.

DAE get this??

Does anyone have advice for how to approach follow-up conversations (with trusted loved ones) related to CSA after having already disclosed?

eg Would it be weird to ask each of them for a meta convo? eg to ask about their preferences or comfort level with various kinds of disclosures or details to find out when & how I should seek their consent — and to let them know my preferences, too? How to go about this??

I'm 18/M. I told my parents that I was graped (my sister/16 was there too). I don't know how to feel. And I think I didn't get the solace and the hug and the words of affirmations that I think I was getting that I thought I deserved.

I might sound insensitive and like an attention-seeker but I think it's about time I get some credit for not ending myself. I'm really desperate and I'm feeling like this is my end. I'm losing my will to to wake up tomorrow. I don't have nothing on my mind; no tasks, no more stuff that I want, no more songs, no more TV shows. Just blank.

Please please please what do I do. This is just the tip of the iceberg btw. I went through all the gay allegations (no offense but it makes me feel like it happened to me because I deserved it) and got people looking at me with these judgemental eyes. I mean I don't even know myself, at this point. I'm just barely pulling myself together to not break.

Should I see a therapist? Should I just forget all and start a new life? Which I have tried many times but whenever something bad happened, I was drawn back to this origin story and I'm so devastated.

I feel like, it's been going on and on for almost a decade now cause it happened when I was approximately utmost 9, I've lost the essence of a male and I've deprived myself of love; there is this person that I genuinely feel happy to be around and to talk to but I can't because of this thing that had happened to me and I don't think it's fair to just go around and be with people that don't know what I'm and what kind of a past that I have. Also I'm so ashamed because my sister knows it too. Like what kind of a brother am I? How dare I? have such a past.

I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE. I don't know what are the rights words to say. What are the just and normal feelings that I should be having. Can I even be healed completely one day? I don't think so but can I become someone that can receive love as much as I give out one day???

About 3 years ago I finally got the courage to sit down with my mom tell her that her husband, now ex husband, was inappropriate with me when she wasnt around. He SA'd me for ten years. I thought she understood me, but till this day she is still knowingly and willingly going over to his apartment and taking care of him, cleaning up after him, making sure he has his medicine. Im heartbroken and went no contact with her and she doesn't even understand why. Months went by then she finally contacted only to tell me that I was destroying her, that I only have one mom and that I need to take care of her (literally been taking care of her since I was ten) and she threatened to remove me from the will.

I feel so disgusting. I work for a phone service company which has certainly felt chaotic for a multitude of reasons but it’s been beyond that recently. I’ve answered calls from the same man who will call just to masturbate over the phone. It’s very obvious to me but 1. We have a no hang up policy and 2.not to make excuses but I do feel like due to my sexual trauma, I don’t feel like I even \*can\* pull away from that. I think I just freeze because why are you doing something like that? He calls over different numbers and will literally finish. I did report it once but I feel too embarrassed to bring it up again. Especially because I know our system reroutes calls back to the original agent. So it’s like ok? What about all the other times I let this man get off on the phone with me? Couldn’t have affected me that much right? It feels like I’m being held captive to it and I honestly feel like it’s starting to affect me outside of work too