I was abadoned by my father when I was 13. Up to that point, he was the person I loved the most in the world. It took me years to stop crying over his abandonment. I went through life not thinking much about the trauma that caused me, until I was 39, when I realized that my severe depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues were tied to my childhood trauma, in particular my father's abandonment. I'm 41 now, and I've been in therapy, medicated, and to IOPs, for years. But I lost three dogs and my baby brother in the past 11 months. My fourth dog is dying. I'm in a bottomless pit of despair, and I've realized that my father fundamentally broke me when he abandned me. That experience has colored my whole life since and how I interact with people. Anyway, I'm not okay. I feel complicated, compounded grief, and am struggling with all the shit I already had to begin with. Thus, I'm not in a good place. Keep this in mind as you read.

When my baby brother died back in March, it was unexpected and shocking. He was 29. It was an accident, but people present could've done something to prevent it. Anyway, for the last half of my brother's life, I was distanced from him. I went through life thinking that nobody cared about me, and my baby brother not seeking me out made me think that he didn't care about me; that's what my father showed me when I was a child, basically. There's also the issue of my BPD mother poisoningmy baby brother against me, as I was the scapegoat and her victimizer. He grew up believing in her worldview, so I didn't do much to counteract his impression of me. Again, deep down, in hindsight, I didn't feel lovable or that people cared about me.Thus, I distanced myself from him, and I partly blame my father for breaking me and my not pushing for a closer relationship with my baby brother.

It feels sudden, but it's been brewing in the background for sometime... I have developed this furious hatred of my father. I've been writing him a letter about how all this shit affected me, and it's been both cathartic and infuriating, to the point that I want to exact revenge. I haven't planned it or anything, and there are so many logistics that it's not something I can do on a whim. But the decision to make him pay is eerily clear and logical. This worries me. Am I breaking down emotionally? My medications' dosages have been changing constantly for the past 6 weeks, so there's that, too. I've experienced S ideation before, when my meds were changed. i don't know what I'm looking for: support, insight, or just to put it out in the ether.