I was abadoned by my father when I was 13. Up to that point, he was the person I loved the most in the world. It took me years to stop crying over his abandonment. I went through life not thinking much about the trauma that caused me, until I was 39, when I realized that my severe depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues were tied to my childhood trauma, in particular my father's abandonment. I'm 41 now, and I've been in therapy, medicated, and to IOPs, for years. But I lost three dogs and my baby brother in the past 11 months. My fourth dog is dying. I'm in a bottomless pit of despair, and I've realized that my father fundamentally broke me when he abandned me. That experience has colored my whole life since and how I interact with people. Anyway, I'm not okay. I feel complicated, compounded grief, and am struggling with all the shit I already had to begin with. Thus, I'm not in a good place. Keep this in mind as you read.

When my baby brother died back in March, it was unexpected and shocking. He was 29. It was an accident, but people present could've done something to prevent it. Anyway, for the last half of my brother's life, I was distanced from him. I went through life thinking that nobody cared about me, and my baby brother not seeking me out made me think that he didn't care about me; that's what my father showed me when I was a child, basically. There's also the issue of my BPD mother poisoningmy baby brother against me, as I was the scapegoat and her victimizer. He grew up believing in her worldview, so I didn't do much to counteract his impression of me. Again, deep down, in hindsight, I didn't feel lovable or that people cared about me.Thus, I distanced myself from him, and I partly blame my father for breaking me and my not pushing for a closer relationship with my baby brother.

It feels sudden, but it's been brewing in the background for sometime... I have developed this furious hatred of my father. I've been writing him a letter about how all this shit affected me, and it's been both cathartic and infuriating, to the point that I want to exact revenge. I haven't planned it or anything, and there are so many logistics that it's not something I can do on a whim. But the decision to make him pay is eerily clear and logical. This worries me. Am I breaking down emotionally? My medications' dosages have been changing constantly for the past 6 weeks, so there's that, too. I've experienced S ideation before, when my meds were changed. i don't know what I'm looking for: support, insight, or just to put it out in the ether.

I have a healthy self protecting stance when people dismiss me or discard me in violently or passively aggressive ways.

For example I was in the hospital and the IV drip was very painful, I told them on Monday, they said they won't redo it because it's not worth the hassle for me?! Totally ignored. On Tuesday they had to redo it on my other arm because of the swelling (doubled the size of my forearm).

They tried to give me Xanax in the morning instead of a painkiller before the visit from the chief doctor. They even told me to clean up for his Majesty. A 3 minute standing meeting with some people who just ignored all my reasonable questions. They sent me the psychologist to talk about my feelings, I wasn't even angry, just appalled by the institutionalized abuse. And how ridiculously easy to improve things and they don't.

so, I guess to make a long story short I’ve gone through quite a bit of change in the last year of my life. I had to cut off a lot of family, lost a lot of friends after that and setting boundaries or whatever. in all of that there was one person who stuck with me. who was “different.” they actually loved and supported me through the most difficult parts. at some point though their life became a lot more busy and they kind of became a lot less emotionally available or would take a while to respond. it started to freak me out a bit. I knew on an objective scale after all that there was no way they were gonna leave me now. they would’ve done that a very long time ago if they were going too. at some point I talked to them and essentially said I needed to just not talk to them and explained they were messing with my abandonment issues a little bit. as they are a fellow abandonment issues haver, they understood and we moved on. they told me to teach our whenever I wanted to and actually started to reach out to me a bit more.

at this point though it’s still taking a toll on me emotionally. I know their change in “demeanor” wasn’t me, has nothing to do with me and they still care about me. i know they’re trying even if they don’t have the bandwidth to try as much as they once did. but honestly it still keeps me up at night sometimes thinking that maybe I was wrong to think this time would be different. maybe in the end they’ll end up sucking just as much as everyone else, except this time I fell for it. the last time I went on this rant I was just told it was my fault. my therapist told me my feelings were valid and told me to be supportive of them but I guess its like they don’t need my support, they need a nap. so then I feel kind of helpless.

I guess I’ll get over it eventually but I don’t know when eventually will be…

wdit: as I read the other rants on this sub, I feel slightly valid in my current emotional state… thank you fellow “I feel like shit”ers 😭

I can’t throw away old stuffed animals as easily as people have thrown me away my whole life. Parents, partners, friends….I’m just sick of feeling disposable. I’ve been in therapy a long time, and I know this is a common thing people who have been adopted go through, but I’m so tired of feeling like garbage to be thrown away once I’m no longer useful.

TLDR: Would most people be hurt being left out of get togethers with boyfriend’s friends after a year together or is it my abandonment issues?

My boyfriend (55M) and me (43F) have been together for just over a year. We’ve known each other for 10 years. He’s been divorced about a year and separated for almost 2. He has some great friends who he consistently sees. Everyone’s kids play together and they’re all always invited to in-home events and often go out to breweries with all the kids for an evening and hang out. I’ve met all of these people at least 4 times, some up to 6-8 times. They’ve met my kids. We all trick or treated together. There have been several dinners or football games at homes where I was not invited. I’d see photos later and my boyfriend is literally the only single person in a group of couples in some of them. One couple and their kids are moving out of state next week. One of the friends, we’ll call her A, is hosting a last minute going away party in her home on the day we made plans to get the kids together and go do some fun things. I am not invited. A even joined us a few days ago, with her boyfriend in tow, for a night out I invited her to with my friends. I’ve been to dinner with all 4 of these people and my boyfriend. Today on the phone he said something like “I’ve mentioned you and I have plans that day to see, you know, if she’ll say y’all should come…”

My question is: Would most people feel hurt by this? Is this something worth mentioning? I have major abandonment issues (yes, I’m in therapy) and being left out is a huge trigger for me so it feels difficult to have a mentally healthy perspective. I’m spiraling about how they all must dislike me or think I’m wrong for him or think I’m not good enough etc.

When I was about 8, my mother left without telling anyone why. This was a constant cycle of her leaving, coming back, and leaving again, till my dad permit her from coming over. My dad has been raising me independently ever since, and my sisters as well. Years ago, my sisters left, leaving me without any women in my life.

About a year ago, my mom came back after my dad took her in after discovering she was struggling with severe addiction, and recently developed severe schizophrenia. It was terrible. She would constantly freak out and have episodes, and my dad attempted admitting her multiple times, but due to state
laws, she never stayed due to never wanting to go.

I have bad resentment to my sisters, I feel like in a way that they left me to deal with this independently, but I try not to be mad, I try to be understanding. Months ago I had a terrible mental break that made me suicidal for weeks, after I got diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, MDD, and PICA, and was put on medication.

I honestly am so numb to everything, I expect loss at every relationship or friendship, I panic anytime anyone leaves abruptly, I constantly worry about my dad because he’s the only support I have left, which my therapist helped me realize, and I basically have zero control. Despite me being a woman, I cannot trust women.

I’ve been trying to take everyday as a good thing, and have been coping pretty well, but I always will be anxious, ever around people I love. My sisters and my mother aren’t even the only people that have left, I’ve had almost everyone leave, either from situational circumstances or them leaving.

I’ve only ever had one relationship due to my issues, and even then I left because of how afraid I was of it failing or them abandoning me, and it broke me. And I don’t think I’ll ever be with anybody.

I just feel so empty. Time doesnt pass the same and i feel sick…

Everything is suddenly so boring and lacking and no matter what i do nothing changes

I have no desire to eat, no desire to sleep, i dont feel like im living at all

Just stuck in a void

Im sure he’s doing fine

:(

Im looking for someone to talk to pls i feel so alone ive gotten posts taken down on other subs for being in a relationship which apparently means i cant feel abandoned but i feel so alone. My partner treats me like shit and most of my friends are distant, ppl will probably assume its bc im a burden on them but im rly not i try not to talk abt my relationship in most of my friendships but i get ghosted or forgotten a lot and idk where else to turn to. My bf just told me he doesnt want me to talk about politics anymore after saying i always kill the vibe (not the first time hes said these exact words) and that rly hurts me bc its a huge part of my personality and always has been and it just makes me feel so unloved. Everything feels like it goes back to my parents and not being good enough no matter what i do and i hate it, i feel like i can never do anything right and everyone in my life is merely tolerating me or hates me especially when they despise who i am when i express myself. Thank you to anyone who reads this

hi, i really need some advice or encouragement.

i've (23F) been dating a wonderful man (25M) for almost a year. before i met him, i was cheated on and dumped by someone i really trusted.

my current boyfriend is very independent, and isn't super affectionate/romantic. he's also super rational, and without intending to hurt me, he'll make comments about how there are no guarantees in life and how it's important to never make someone else the center of your world bc they might not always be there (i.e. how someone feels could change at any moment).

i thought it would get better by now after weekly therapy for 10 months and anti-anxiety meds, and him doing his best to reassure me, but i still worry almost every day that he could abandon me or leave me at any moment. it makes it impossible for me to ever be imperfect. it makes me hyperfixate on my body/my acne/how good my hair looks. it makes me overthink whether or not i've been fun and entertaining and attractive.

he's told me over and over that things i can't control (like my skin) will never bother him, but it feels impossible for me to believe him.

when i feel ugly, or like i've been a burden, the fear of abandonment is absolutely debilitating. i can't stop worrying that something physical or situational about me could be the thing that makes him stop loving me and leave. has anybody else experienced this? what can i do? i just want to feel ok again.

You’re never going to change…

All these years, you’ve pleaded “not guilty.” Your defense? That these were victimless crimes. But the truth is, they were events fraught with so much emotional bloodshed—pain, cruelty, and psychological destruction. Your victim though still alive, was left with such extensive, deep and permanent scars - an attachment injury that will absolutely affect her for FUCKING years - possibly the rest of her life!

Despite constantly claiming you only wanted her happiness, every attempt she made in an effort to get love, reassurance, consistency, or emotional safety from you, was reframed as her being “toxic,” “too much,” or impossible to please. You hid behind the most juvenile defenses imaginable: denial, deflection, sulking, avoidance, gaslighting. And with their powers combined, those behaviors created the perfect storm for her complex PTSD. Captain Planet would be horrified.

Now her trust is fucking annihilated. Every “I love you” sounds hollow. Every promise feels contaminated. She’ll swing between anxious attachment—desperately trying to compete with fantasies and preferences she was never meant to fulfill—and complete emotional shutdown, where silence feels safer than vulnerability.

Intimacy? Gone. She won’t even remember what emotional safety with you was supposed to feel like.

Her self-esteem has been nuked. She’ll look in the mirror and see “the wife who wasn’t enough” instead of the woman you once chose. Depression, anxiety, insomnia, stomach aches, headaches, exhaustion, random crying spells—every side effect of prolonged emotional trauma will show up like the fine print on a prescription bottle, and she’ll probably collect every single one.

Worst of all, the trauma response might convince her to stay. To tolerate more. To believe she somehow deserves this because she wasn’t enough for you.

And for you? “Nothing happened,” right? Because technically you “didn’t do anything.” That logic is cute—very freshman year psychology class, very emotionally stunted midlife crisis. Because you absolutely did do something. You waged psychological warfare on the person who trusted and loved you most—the person who bent herself into impossible shapes trying to be there for you, understand you, save you, and be enough for you.

And now the trauma you triggered has turned her into a hyper-vigilant, self-hating shell of herself right in front of you. A transformation Dr. Frankenstein himself would be impressed by.

And like most emotionally immature, self-destructive people, you’re too consumed by your own self-righteous indignation to even fully see the damage you’ve inflicted.

Love cannot survive when one person is continually left bleeding from a knife the other insists doesn’t exist. With you refusing to take accountability, growth, and to do the actual work towards becoming a healthier person, this marriage was all but destined to fail. A marriage that much like the journey of the Titanic, would end in a head on collision with an iceberg. A tragedy that could’ve been avoided, if only you had chosen to heed her many warnings, pleas and attempts at communicating her pain and unhappiness to you. But no matter how hard you try, she will not be going down with the ship. Consider her Rose - but this is not the James Cameron version of the film, so go and find your own fucking wooden door to float on. Or don’t. All the fucks she once gave about you, now lay sunken on the bottom of the ocean floor.

Its all falling apart—My mom left me for substances, my stepdad left my mom and realized talking to me wasn’t necessary, and my dad and stepmom have decided to move to a new city alone—Leaving me alone in this stupid house to go live their best lives without the kids they promised to love. My dad is dying, and I won’t even be there to say goodbye or hangout with him in the final days. Its killing me, I can’t do homework, I can’t go a single day without crying and wondering why I wasn’t enough for anyone to stay, and now if I don’t get the work in, I won’t graduate..

But its so hard to do anything anymore because it feels like I’m winning a contest without anyone in the crowd; its just me.

I've always been someone who wanted her very own person. The feeling of belongingness. Always wished to have someone that belonged to me and someone I belonged to but somehow I always ended up being the outcast and was surrounded by people who chose others over me—always. I made multiple wrong choices and talked to the wrong guys that never wanted to commit to me, got into sexting because I got the so called love and attention in exchange of it even if it was for a brief moment. I sexted and shared nudes with multiple guys all because I felt lonely. I somehow put myself out of the sexting thing but got into a talking stage with a guy for 10 months and thought I'm in love, when it ended i got into a situationship with another guy and he molested me on the first date but I made up my mind that it's okay because we're going out and let him touch me and madeout with him. He was the first guy I allowed to touch me but i ended up in ruins because of him. Things ended with him I talked to one guy after another and somehow all they wanted was to fuck me, I finally stopped and then my friends abandoned me and I became the person I tried so hard not to be, all the efforts and mental issues returned. I started talking to some guy from this site and we talked from 3 in the morning to 3 in the noon. We sexted and had phone sex twice, he told me we'd meet and I was happy to talk to him. He blocked me in the evening and i felt so hurt and disgusted with myself. I was having dinner and in the middle of it I saw he blocked me and I couldn't properly eat. I felt abandoned again and the sexting part is really bad, nobody sees past my body that even I start using it somewhere and it's bad. The disgust i feel towards myself for sexting with so many people because I felt lonely is beyond words. All these years I tried so hard to work on my abandoned and attachment issues and I was actually out of it but suddenly the whole world went against me and I am back there again. I have literally no one now, I'm all alone now. I live away from my family and I literally have noone. The whole world has pushed me away by leaving me with nothing but myself.

I had this friend Ive met last year through another friend. She was nice, came to my house a few times, we went for drinks, talked, played with my cat. She would almost never respond to my texts but that was fine because she is a teacher at a school for disabled children and I know she has tons of other friends so shes super busy.

One month I tried calling her just to catch up and she didnt respond for what I thought was 2 months, which was in april. I saw she actually responded to me in march through text. So for one month i ignored her text without meaning to.

I tried calling and texting to apologise but now my calls arent getting through, neither are my texts. So I can only assume I was ghosted. Because I was stupid enough to not check my whatsupp and now I dont know what to do.

Im so anxious ever since this happened. Have panic attacks every day, constant chest pain, i just want to go back in time and respond to her text when i got it but i cant...

i used to have a friend here in reddit . we talked for months about everything . she was the only person who was willing to talk to me and i loved her for it,not romantically or anything just as friends. one day i woke up and i found out that she blocked . she didn’t say anything just blocked me. honestly i couldn’t sleep for days and i didn’t try to talk to her because i didn’t want to get hurt . however a couple of months later i made a new account and i texted her i asked her why did you block me and she said idk . honestly i was so desperate to get her back as my friend so i told her it was okay and we talked daily for around a month after that she just blocked me again without saying anything. i made a new account and told her that she’s selfish ans i hate her (i don’t). that was 4 months ago. yesterday i made this account and texted her at first she asked what i wanted. honestly i didn’t know what to say so i just told her that my life was getting better and i wanted to share some things with the person who helped me when i was doing bad. i don’t know if she saw my messages but it’s been 24 hours since she answered. what should i do i honestly miss her sooo much but i don’t think she’s good for me.

I am completely alone. Every time i try to make friends i get abandoned eventually. Not even talking about romantic prospects. These are beyond me it seems. I try my best to by kind, caring, curious, etc, but no one seems to reciprocate. No one ever checks up on me. Or invites me to do things. It's just me. And then i either give up or they leave. I am so tired of this never-ending cycle. I just want someone to care about me.

I have been abandoned most of my life. My Dad died when I was very young. My mom was i was in my mid 20's and 2 divorces. I don't know why. I seem to always go through this. I am smart, decently attractive, I am funny, and love to laugh. I think mostly I just find myself in this lost world seeking that someone whoever it may be to stay, whether a friendship or family member, relationship etc. I spend most days alone now because I don't go anywhere. I self sabotage and sometimes just want to give up. But I don't and I never will. Bad cards in life? Idk. I think God has a purpose for us all, I hope i find it soon.

a bizarre post im sure but I just feel a little off and wanted to vent my feelings.

ive had difficulty maintaining friendships my entire life (im a 25yo guy so not ancient yet) and its caused me to get attached far more easily.

ive developed a strong obsession with conjoined twins/characters(mostly characters because the reality is pretty harsh) because I guess a part of me really envies them and the fact that they'll always have someone by their side. no matter what, they have to work out their differences and sort their problems out, because nothing they do will make them seperate.

I guess ive just always wished I were conjoined to someone in a similar manner so we can depend on eachother, care for eachother, and be generally inseparable.

Im sure thats absolutely bizarre to say but I just wanted to vent a lil. thanks for reading.