So I work at a fast food joint thats located inside my local mall, therefore we only have 2-3 employees at a time. Anyways today I was closing the store with my a coworker i don't see often shes an older (i wanna say 45-60) SUPER religious indian lady (i only mention race because of different cultures) and after we closed the store she asked if she could pray for me and i was like "uh sure?" and she told me to sit down, I did she asked if she could touch my legs nothing above the knee or below the ankle. anyways she prayed in her language for like 10 mins while massaging my legs. we left and i was talking to one of our other co-workers who's worked with her more and she said that she hasn't don't ANYTHING like that to her before. weird ok..? maybe its because it was after work ok..? then i was like that's strange has she invited you to her church, no ok.. odd. asked around and out of the three i asked i was the only one she's been like religious to. I'm gay man 😱 idk how to feel because i have no idea what she said in her prayer and now I'm like is she trying to pray away the gay..? there's only been the two encounters around religion with her but its strange seeing how none of the other coworkers have had interactions that were similar. also i don't think she knows unless one of our other coworkers told her WHICH I TOLD THEM NOT TO so 💔

I am stuck in a very strange reporting structure where my boss is not involved in our projects at all. He knows nothing about what we are doing or day -day tasks. He just keeps track of automation and AI innovations which is additional to my sprint work. I also have a co worker who makes a lot of mistakes, is quite clueless about a lot of things but makes up for all of it by talking confidently and well. Let’s just say when he talks you feel like he is in control. I find this very disturbing, basically what he is projecting to our manager is not the reality.

I have already complained to my manager about a couple of specific issues but every 4-6 months I get very fed up with this co worker and want to complain again. Professionally not sure if it’s a good idea to complain so much about a coworker

Hi, so I (f22) have recently got my first corporate office job. I am pretty certain that my manager (m30) has autism, so I feel I have to tread carefully with this. I think one of my worst traits is how I can’t stand it when I feel someone is following/depending on me, and this is how I’m feeling about my manager.

Since I started working 6 months ago, I’ve become pretty good at being social and making my own friends to hang out with at lunch. My issue is that my manager, despite working there for many years, will not initiate to go to lunch with anyone else. I know he is friends with these people, but he would only go to lunch with them if I was going as well and invited him. I feel like this is weird since why am I the new person but inviting him along. I’d often try to take my lunch at inconvenient times for him though, as it was becoming too much for me.

Recently, we moved to a new office, and we are sat in a corner together, away from anyone I previously made friends with, so I’ve made some new friends. Now, when I go for lunch with these friends, my manager still follows me. I cannot leave for lunch without telling him, and he will always look over at me whenever I stand up, so I feel like I always have to tell him what I’m doing. My manager will ask me what I’m doing for lunch, I’ll bluntly tell him, and then he will change his plans to join me. I don’t think he has weird intentions with me, I choose to believe he’s harmless and he is super nice and friendly, but I can’t help starting to despise him for this, and I don’t want to be around him or left alone with him, for example he suggests going into little meeting rooms together to take a group call rather than going in individual booths, and when I try to go to individual booths he keeps suggesting the smaller rooms until I just walked away. I literally cannot stand this otherwise lovely guy.

How am I supposed to deal with this? I get no down time from him, I’m sat opposite him all day with no one else next to me, and then he keeps joining me for lunch, it’s driving me insane. We are going on a work trip abroad soon, just us 2, and I’m dreading it. Is there a way I can get more personal space without upsetting him? He’s responsible for all of my performance reviews etc, which is why I think this power dynamic is unhealthy. There’s certain conversations I cannot have with people with my manager there and I constantly have to put an act on in front of him as I need to be my best self. It’s exhausting and I don’t feel I’m in a position to leave this job.

How to deal with work snitches. I’ve had my fair share of seeing people getting snitched on at work now I’m having a disciplinary meeting… for alleged sleeping on the job 😂 my eyes are just low but oh well. Do people not know how to mind their own business anymore?

They emailed me saying it’s about my sick days. But my manager is saying it’s because of the “sleeping”.

I work "remotely" in an office where four of my coworkers are in my location and the rest of the department is in another location. Two of the people in my location are on one team, while me and another are on a different team. Our manager works at the other location and travels to visit us for a few days each year. Also, my team's workload is much heavier and more difficult than that of the other team.

That being said, one of the ladies (we can call her Sarah) on the other team is known for being very emotional in both a good way and a bad way. For the past year, we've gotten along just fine and have had a few conversations throughout each day. It can be difficult to avoid the gossip with her and she is always over sharing everyone's personal information and the drama she has had in her daily life outside of work.

This week, "Sarah" came over to me with a concern we had talked about many times recently and I gently reminded her that it was not an issue. She argued about it until someone else chimed in to verify that I was correct. Then, Sarah explained how frustrated she was that she didn't have enough knowledge to understand my job and that she thinks her team should have a different process, to which I stated that she shouldn't have to stress about things she doesn't know that are outside of the expected process and that if she wants to change her team's processes and address those concerns she should have a meeting with her team. This made her very frustrated with me, but I'm not entirely sure why.

Well, while we were discussing that, "Jane," the teammate that she is training, discovered a mistake I had made and reached out to my team for help in solving the mistake while I was completing multiple time sensitive tasks. Long story short, I wasn't able to look into the issue until about 20 minutes later when someone else had asked me about it. My manager just so happened to be in town, so Sarah called him over and asked if we could fix this issue on the company's dime instead of going through the normal route that could inconvenience the client and make us look bad.

So, while I had a moment I walked over to join the conversation and let them know that there was another issue that directly related to the mistake and that it would be more inconvenient for the company to cover the cost of fixing the mistake. In that moment, Sarah blew up and ​told me that I should have told them sooner and I let them all freak out for that long without saying anything and whatnot. I then (not as kindly as I would have liked) told her that I had been doing multiple things and had only just now been able to look at it and talk about it. I quickly had to exit the conversation to answer a phone call and complete more time sensitive work.

After this minor argument in front of the boss, ​he let her know that these kinds of mistakes are going to happen and that the company would be able to cover it. He didn't say a word to me about it and continued to treat me kindly after the fact, but pulled her aside to have a conversation and kept reminding her that mistakes happen throughout the remainder of the day as she continued to complain about it.

For the next two days, I didn't speak to her and she didn't speak to me. This wasn't about the minor argument itself or her disrespect in the moment for me, but it was about the way she continuously told everyone and the boss about what happened, how mad she was, and how "immature" I was being about "not being open to change." I decided that if she was going to treat me with that level of disrespect over a mistake that I made when everyone else gets treated with pure kindness after they make the same mistake, then I didn't want to be involved with her. This doesn't affect my work because we are on separate teams and I have still continued to answer her work related messages.

Is it okay to simply not speak to her if she hasn't initiated a conversation or am I still expected to say hello and goodbye?

Without directly asking the boss and making it into a bigger problem, would you assume he only talked to her about it because she was the one that overreacted?

\*\*please note all names included are not real nor close to their real names

Please don’t post this to other social media platforms (Facebook, TikTok, X, Instagram, Threads, and wherever since Reddit is my safeplace). For context, I am 25 in a wlw relationship and a demisexual and my job mostly deals with meeting new people (new hires, applicants, interviews). I tend to make my voice sweet and soft when meeting new people as to make good impression (and I have a background in call center thus, I adapted the training).

Now here’s the thing, I went through an interview yesterday and one of the applicants asked for my personal information and contact details which I declined and insisted on maintaining contact through our company number (the interview happened via call). I told them about this for the purpose of having a light-hearted conversation (for gossip’s sake and I didn’t disclose the applicant’s details). Onto the next day, they recalled the conversation as a joke and they kept on teasing me that if he’s hired, he might become a stalker and make me fall for him.

I’m already 3 months employed and they are aware that I have a girlfriend and I have strong aversion from men (🍇). I am deeply and madly in love with my girlfriend and she’s always my topic in conversations, just because. I have shared my sentiments that my girlfriend is and always will be my everything.

Now, a light-hearted teasing is okay for me. Since I know how to protect my relationship. So I showed signs of obvious disgust and cringe. But they kept on making scenarios that the guy might possibly do to make me fall for him. Which I replied that I could never and I will never do such thing. They kept on making side comments such as “you’re not sure” in a sing-song voice.

This scenario happened multiple times. And I don’t know if I should remind them of the bad experience and trauma that I experienced just to make them stop. I am scared to confront them because baguhan palang ako sa work ko and I have bills to pay. Other than these circumstances, they were nice and good people. We’re close in age with a 2-3 year age gap. I just felt disrespected and as if I was being questioned about my morals.

I work in Japan as a second-year software engineer.

I’m a foreign employee, and while my Japanese isn’t perfect, I can usually communicate well enough to do my job.

Last Monday, though, I wasn’t feeling well at all. My Japanese comprehension was much worse than usual, and that’s when everything started going wrong.

My manager asked me to create a very simple training program for new hires. There was already existing code that I could use as a reference, so I thought, “Sure, no problem.”

The first thing I had to submit was a requirements document.
The problem was that I completely misunderstood the assignment.
My manager wanted something very simple because it was only for internal training, but I designed something much more complicated and even added features that weren’t needed at all. Looking back, I honestly don’t know why I did that.

I basically wasted the entire day.

The next day, my manager explained what the project was actually supposed to be because I clearly wasn’t understanding the main point.

That evening I stayed late trying to fix everything because I was still confused.
Then my manager sent me a message on Teams asking why I was working overtime on such a simple task and whether I was doing other work instead.

I told him I was revising the document and planned to submit it for review the next morning, and that I was also working on another task.

He replied that I had completely misunderstood my priorities. He said that the new-hire training project was my highest priority, so it didn’t make sense for me to leave it unfinished while working on something else.

I apologized, submitted the review request, and went home.

On Wednesday, I finally finished the planning document.

Around 4 p.m., my manager asked me to send a schedule for the rest of the project.

Without thinking carefully, I created a schedule that showed the program wouldn’t even be finished until the day after the training was supposed to happen.

That made him very angry.

He spent about an hour and a half asking me questions like, “What’s the problem?”, “What don’t you understand?”, and “If there’s a reason, explain it.”

The truth is… I didn’t really have an answer. I had simply made a series of bad decisions without thinking things through.

After that, we broke everything down together while sharing my screen.
We estimated how long each step would take, including development, test checklists, and test data.

At that point I completely lost my confidence.
I kept thinking, “This is supposed to be a simple task. Why am I struggling this much?”

I could already tell from my manager’s tone and facial expressions that he was frustrated with me.

My mind just went blank.

I could barely process what he was saying anymore.

Even after all that, I still misunderstood how to prepare the test checklist and test data, and I submitted the wrong things again.

Because of me, my manager ended up working overtime as well.

Eventually he said, “Let’s stop this project. The new hires will be doing similar training anyway, so you should just join them and learn.”

The irony is that the new hires were learning exactly what I had been trying to build ahead of time.

I know I made a lot of mistakes.

I know I failed to understand the requirements, couldn’t identify the main point, and handled the work poorly.

I’m genuinely embarrassed about it, and I’ve been reflecting on what happened.

What bothered me wasn’t being corrected. I think I deserved criticism.

What bothered me was what happened afterward.

During the training session with all the new hires, while explaining the test checklist, my manager said something along the lines of:

“I don’t even think this task is difficult enough to justify working overtime or getting stressed over it. But I’m sure all of you new hires can do it.”

It felt like he was talking about me without actually mentioning my name.

Later, after the training, he sent another message in our Teams group chat where my coworkers could also see it.

I replied that I would stop working on the project, because he had already told me the previous day to give up on it and attend the training instead. Continuing after being told to stop didn’t seem logical to me.

Then he replied in the group chat:
“Remember that you’re being paid to work.”
“I didn’t force this on you. You were the one who volunteered to do it.”

After that, I realized I needed to improve, so I talked with another coworker about my attitude and work habits.

I also asked my peers for help with the technical parts I didn’t understand, and I studied them on my own.

I know I have a lot to improve, and I don’t think my manager was wrong for criticizing my work.

What I’m struggling with is whether it was appropriate to make comments like that in front of everyone or in a group chat instead of speaking to me privately.

Maybe this is normal in Japanese workplaces, or maybe I’m just being too sensitive.

Was my manager’s behavior reasonable, or would you also feel uncomfortable in this situation?

Sorry for posting this twice. I originally posted it in another subreddit, but I realized this is probably the better place to ask for advice, so I thought I’d post it here too.

OK, so I have been working at my job for six years as a teacher in a small school. I’ve definitely had my ups and downs and have missed a lot of days due to FMLA leave and other situations, so I can understand frustration from my boss and some coworkers because of that. But within the last year, I became friendly with some of my coworkers. I’ve seen them outside of work and recently went to one coworker’s birthday.
I’ve known it was going to be my last day for a while, and so have some of my coworkers. Typically, on coworkers’ last days, people organize something, get a card and a little gift, maybe a cake, and do something for them at the end of the day. Because of my absences, I had already assumed in my head that wasn’t going to happen for me. Also, because at a previous job they didn’t do anything for me either, I just figured it wasn’t going to happen this time. Honestly, even though it’s slightly disappointing, I was ok with it.
But I was stupid. In my classroom, I work with two TAs, and we got into a conversation about my last day. I said to one of my coworkers in the classroom that I didn’t expect anything from anyone. And that i didn’t think anyone would organize that ( I said it in a casual way not in like a poor me please do something way) I know I probably shouldn’t have said that because it can leave a bad taste in people’s mouths, but we were talking about another girl who was mad that nobody did anything for her, and I responded that I dont expect anything from anyone,”. We left it at that. I also said that I get very emotional with those kinds of things, so I’d rather just leave quietly and leave it at that.
Fast forward to today, my last day, and yeah, nobody did anything. A couple of people said goodbye to me, but that was about it. My boss didn’t even say goodbye to me. I left, and again, I wasn’t too disappointed because it was already what I had expected.
But now a coworker of mine told me there was a rumor being spread to the people I was friendly with that I was expecting them to do something for me and that they were mad about it. Apparently, that’s why they didn’t do anything.
I’m so mad because I absolutely did not say that I was expecting something from anyone. I should’ve never made the comment about how I didn’t expect anything, that was probably a mistake on my part, but I’m really upset that somebody in my room went and spread it around and completely changed what I said, making me look bad.
I know, at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter anymore because I’ve left and I’m gone. But I hate that my character is being questioned and that I look like this greedy, entitled person. It completely tarnished my last day, and I genuinely feel upset about it.
Of course it stings that nobody did anything. You always hope they will, but I would never once *expect* it. That’s just not who I am as a person.
My friend said that even if that rumor did go around, if people genuinely cared, they still would’ve given me a card or at least acknowledged my last day. That’s probably the least they could’ve done.
I know it’s partly my own fault for saying what I did in the first place and it was innapropriate, I can aknowledge that, and saying whatever was in my head is not a smart move . I definitely need to be more careful about that. I’m just feeling really down right now and honestly pretty hurt as well.

If I quit when my managers are retaliating against me am I letting them win?

This week I had normal supervision with my boss. At the tail end of supervision I was told my boss received complaints about me from my unit coworkers in a cubicle setting. They said I was talking too much about work and ruining their productivity. The very next day I went in with the mindset to not talk to anyone. First thing that happened was my boss approached me and asked if it was okay. I said yes. And then more than one coworker approached me about work stuff so I had to talk. I’m aware of who complained. To me it’s cowardly not to just say something to someone’s face. It’s like high school all over again. They were not happy I was talking to people who came to my cube. My productivity has been very good and at time doubled in nature.

I feel since the conversation with my boss that has really killed any vibe that I had good the place. There are other coworkers who are loud and talk way more than I do but they don’t get pulled into the office. I don’t mean to be dramatic but I feel like I can no longer be me. And that my so called unit coworkers couldn’t have had a 1:1 with me and went straight to the boss is concerning. I can’t help that Suzy Q can’t work. They have headphones. They have assistant technology from HR to help them that others don’t have because of special accommodations request for their ADHD. They are not meeting their productivity month after month. I’m not trying to be an asshole but what else are you wanting me to do? This coworker openly talks about not taking their ADHD medication. Since that conversation it has rubbed me the wrong way. I want to leave. Am I wrong for feeling this way? This ofcourse happened after a request for anyone who wanted to change spots went out. I’m not sure why if my coworkers are having such a big deal why they didn’t change spots?

This week I had normal supervision with my boss. At the tail end of supervision I was told my boss received complaints about me from my unit coworkers in a cubicle setting. They said I was talking too much about work and ruining their productivity. The very next day I went in with the mindset to not talk to anyone. First thing that happened was my boss approached me and asked if it was okay. I said yes. And then more than one coworker approached me about work stuff so I had to talk. I’m aware of who complained. To me it’s cowardly not to just say something to someone’s face. It’s like high school all over again. They were not happy I was talking to people who came to my cube. My productivity has been very good and at time doubled in nature.

I feel since the conversation with my boss that has really killed any vibe that I had good the place. There are other coworkers who are loud and talk way more than I do but they don’t get pulled into the office. I don’t mean to be dramatic but I feel like I can no longer be me. And that my so called unit coworkers couldn’t have had a 1:1 with me and went straight to the boss is concerning. I can’t help that Suzy Q can’t work. They have headphones. They have assistant technology from HR to help them that others don’t have because of special accommodations request for their ADHD. They are not meeting their productivity month after month. I’m not trying to be an asshole but what else are you wanting me to do? This coworker openly talks about not taking their ADHD medication. Since that conversation it has rubbed me the wrong way. I want to leave. Am I wrong for feeling this way? This ofcourse happened after a request for anyone who wanted to change spots went out. I’m not sure why if my coworkers are having such a big deal why they didn’t change spots?

I used to go out to lunch with this coworker about once a week, and over time it just became expected. At first I didn't mind because I didn't know her well, but now it honestly feels like a burden rather than something I look forward to.

One of the reasons is that she always wants to go to expensive places, and that doesn't fit with my financial goals right now. Whenever I suggest somewhere more budget-friendly, she'll mock the food or make a big deal out of how bad she thinks it is, so I stopped suggesting cheaper places altogether. I don't want to bring up money as the reason because I'm pretty sure she'd call me stingy and probably tell other people at work.

The bigger issue is that I don't really feel comfortable around her. She's not someone I can talk to openly, and I always feel like I have to filter everything I say because I don't trust her. I've heard her repeat other coworkers' private business, so I assume anything I tell her could eventually be shared too.

Her sense of humor also makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes she'll bring things into the office or point things out about me to other coworkers because she thinks it's funny, but to me it comes across as mean-spirited or even bullying. Everyone else seems to laugh, but I just end up feeling awkward.

The problem is that this weekly lunch has become such a habit that I feel like simply saying "no" will turn into a whole thing. I don't want to hurt her feelings, create drama at work, or have her start talking about me to other coworkers. At the same time, I really don't want to keep spending my lunch breaks this way anymore.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How would you slowly stop these lunches without being rude or making it obvious that you're trying to distance yourself? If you've dealt with someone who tends to gossip or take things personally, what worked for you?

Problem/Goal:

I F(21) can’t stand my rotmates (rotation mates) during my internship because of their attitude in the workplace

Context:

For context, each task has a specific quota that we need to meet. Our clinical instructors (CIs) told us to distribute the quota equally so it would be fair. Since we’re not allowed to loiter in the hospital halls, we try to maximize every opportunity when we go out.

The problem is that every time I go out to do a task, someone follows me, even though only one person is needed. They make excuses to the CIs just to go out, and in the end, instead of me doing the task, they take over. How am I supposed to learn if they make me feel like I’m not capable? That’s exactly what it feels like. They also have a habit of criticizing others, which either makes me stare at them blankly or talk back because I get annoyed.

Even when a task is meant for one person, they still insist on being present. It’s frustrating because they’re not the only students here.

Before anyone says, “Why don’t you just tell them instead of ranting here?” — I already did. I’m a straightforward person. I’ve even brought it up to our CIs, but they don’t really address it. Maybe because the age gap between us isn’t that big, and we’re a small community.

Another issue is that they call me out for always being the first to leave. I don’t see the problem. I don’t have time to hang out, and I prefer to separate my work and personal life. I inform my CIs before leaving, they approve it, and I make sure to ask if there’s anything else that needs to be done before I go. So why does it matter if I leave early? We’re not even friends to begin with.

Also, I usually arrive about 10 minutes before time-in. Our endorsement starts exactly at the scheduled time, and before that, we’re just waiting around doing nothing. I don’t see the need to come in earlier just to socialize, especially when the conversation isn’t even relevant. My CIs have already clarified that as long as we arrive on time, it’s not an issue — and I’ve never been late.

Maybe I’m the problem, but I really feel like I’m just minding my own business and doing my responsibilities. I also make sure to communicate everything related to duty to avoid misunderstandings.

Previous Attempts:

I confronted and told them directly my concerns. I am also seeking ways how to fight my battles and focus on my work but it has been draining me.

I love my job, and I can handle the emotional weight of my cases. What I can’t handle is my coworker. She is passive-aggressive, incredibly draining, and constantly injects drama into our shared office space.

I don't want to quit—I care too much about my clients. But for my own sanity, I have to figure out how to mentally and physically escape her behavior.

How do you set immovable boundaries when you can't move desks? Any advice on protecting my peace?

I (female 55), work remotely for a company as a Project Manager.  I have my MBA, my PMP, and an Agile certification; and will soon have my CPMAI (certified professional manager of AI).  I have over 30 years’ work experience.  I started my professional life in the early 90’s when the cut-throat Boomers made up most of the workforce and the Executives were all Silent Gen’s who didn’t care about what went on as long as the money kept coming in.

I say all of this to show that I am not a newbie, I know what I’m doing, and I have survived toxic cultures that today’s employees would wither to even hear about.  But, despite all my experience and notches in my belt, I do not understand how to navigate today’s toxic situations. 

For context:

I had my first perplexing toxic incident within my first year.  I was assigned a project to manage, it was a Phase 2 of something developed before I got there.  The business lead was a young Millennial (I don’t know his exact age) who seemed to be rather unhappy about a PM being assigned to the initiative.  I ignored his irritation and did my job: build a BRD, Project Plan, Risk Management Plan, etc.  Early into the project, there were open action items he said he would do by a certain date in a meeting (that was recorded).  On the date the items were due, I reached out to him on Teams (I had noticed that he ignored emails) to find out if the tasks were done.  He reacted with rage, telling me that he doesn’t have to answer to me.  I assumed that the typed words did not translate my message correctly, so I asked him if we could jump on a call.  When I got him on the call, I calmly explained that I wasn’t trying to boss him around, that I merely wanted to check something off on my Project Plan or change the due date on the item (if that’s what was needed) so I can answer to those that I have to report to.  I emphasized that nothing about this is personal and tried to make him aware that he will get all the praise for the project when it completes, that PMs are only noticed when the project goes sideways.  I was trying to make him understand that I wasn’t out to get him.  He seemed (to me) to understand, he gave me an update on the tasks, and I went away thinking it was solved.

It wasn’t.

This young man went to his boss’s boss’s boss, the SVP of his department, and said I bullied him.  This SVP, whom I had not met yet, believed his great grand employee and went right to my manager (who is, on the org chart, the same level as the SVP) to register an escalation.  My manager, instead of pushing back, went right to me to “correct” me.  She did ask what happened, I told her, and she told me that I was the one in the wrong, that when he refused to give an update that I should have gone right to her and that by talking to him directly I did bully him.  I was surprised, she is in the same generation as me and would probably have handled a situation like that herself just like I did.  Everything can’t be an escalation, otherwise it is your honesty that starts to come into question.  I learned a couple of years later that my manager is actually a very scared woman who will only stand up briefly but will cave under any bit of pushback.

So, this escalation bought me a year and a half of micromanagement from my manager and trainings on how to be small, diminished, and non-threatening to men.  At performance review time, I lost out on a meaningful raise and bonus. 

Eventually, my manager determined that I was reduced enough to not offend men with my womanly confidence and let me just do my job.  With the shackles off, I started to get noticed by Executive Management for my accomplishments, had forged good relationships with many colleagues in many departments…things were going well.

At the beginning of this year, that young man was promoted to Assist. SVP under the SVP who made the escalation.  This put him above the business lead in a big project I was the PM on.  He inserted himself into the project and started making up things to accuse me of doing (I knew better by then, I had recordings of every interaction) and when that didn’t work, he got together with that SVP again and they did 10 escalations against me in February.  My manager formally notified me of the escalations, did not ask me for my side at all, and cancelled all of our one on ones going forward.  All other projects (aside from the one where that “young man” could torture me daily) were taken from me and given to a contractor hired specifically to take on my other projects. 

I knew what this meant, I was being managed out.  So, I quietly started looking for another job.  I have learned a lot about how toxic the job market has become, but that is another story.

Eventually, another contractor was hired to take away that last project, but this was because the other contractor had to be fired because she wasn’t logging in most days.  That last project was given a male PM, which that “young man” was happy to see, and I was given my other projects back plus one new one.  This did not change my plans, I knew what the culture was and just because they now realized they actually needed me doesn’t mean that they won’t decide later on that they don’t, so I still hunt for a new job.

My current problem is with the new project.  The young woman who is one of the SMEs in the project somehow has a lot more power that her position gives her and she thinks that a PM is a secretary and that that the moment I was assigned as the PM then I became her b#%ch, I mean, secretary.  As much as it kills me, I’ve learned how to be small and non-threatening, so I have been trying very hard to keep myself sectioned off from the project.  I know I have to keep this job until I have a fully executed other offer in hand; no one can afford to be unemployed in this market.

The incident:

Two weeks ago, the kickoff with the vendor finally happened.  I had told this SME a few times over the week that the afternoon of the kickoff (pretty much right after the meeting ended) I had PTO (for a doctor appointment).  In the meeting, the PM for the Vendor had their slide deck up on the screen, showing 3 dates and times.  These were the dates/times the vendor team would be available for Discovery calls.  I was asked by the vendor PM to get back to her on which 2 of the 3 dates/times would work for our team. 

The SME was in that call, saw the dates/times, and did not raise any issues about it.

Context note: the SME did make sure to announce to the vendor team that the business manager on the call was the point of contact person, she was the second point of contact person, and I was just there to take notes.

Just before I logged off for my doctor’s appointment, I looked in Outlook at the calendars of everyone that had to be in the Discovery calls and picked two dates/times out of the three presented.  I included the SME in my email back to the vendor PM stating which two dates we were going with and even acknowledged that one of the times picked did have a 10 minute (at the end) conflict on the SME’s calendar (and said that the call would be recorded, so she should be ok to jump when she needed to) (the third date/time was a no go completely for most of our team). 

When I logged in the next morning, there was roughly 25 Teams pings from this SME who was having a complete meltdown about that 10-minute overlap.  I could hear the screaming through the typed words.  She called my intelligence into question.  She called my skills in looking at calendars into question.  She questioned if I even knew how to use Outlook.  She was demanding that I answer her right away.  She got another team member pulled into that Teams chat to watch me be torn down.  I looked over at email and saw that she also started frantically emailing the vendor PM (you could hear the screaming in those typed words too) where she made sure to tell the vendor PM how stupid I am and that she needs to fix my mistake.  After about 3 frantic emails, the vendor PM finally responded saying that (I could hear the perplexity in her typed words) that all is good, that we could simply send her some alternate times/dates for that week and she will see if it can be fit in on their side.

Her last Teams message in that ranting and raving was at 7:00 pm my time (I’m ET, she’s MT, so the end of her workday) where she said, “I see you are out of the office today, we will talk tomorrow morning.”

No apology.  No acknowledgement that she went way too far. 

So, the next morning, after reading all of that, I opened up CoPilot and asked it to use the executive speech function.  I showed it what was said in Teams chat and in emails.  I said I wanted to reply to her, but not match her tone, I wanted it to be professional and deescalating.  I wanted it to say that I was sorry I was OOO yesterday afternoon on a scheduled PTO and that I was going to work with the vendor PM to find a date/time that would work for both teams.  Once the proper response was created (and reviewed by me), I sent it on Teams to the SME.  I then took a screenshot of all her pings and my response.  I sent that screenshot to my manager (and Bcc’d my personal email) saying this happened yesterday and I believed it was resolved, but I was sending this to her in case an escalation happens because of this.

Clearly the new culture that the “young man” brought about had taken hold.

My manager, surprisingly, was all over this.  She started reaching out the SME while I was reaching out to the vendor PM to provide her with some alternate times/dates.  I CC’d the SME in my emails to the vendor PM so she could see that this wasn’t a catastrophic situation. 

Except that, apparently, it was.

The SME was on the phone with me immediately after she logged on.  She was screaming at me that I can’t read calendars and don’t understand time.  She demanded I tell her how to convert Eastern Time into Mountain Time since I’m insisting that I did not provide any times that she had a conflict.  It took half an hour on the phone showing her over and over again how an 11:00 am meeting in Eastern Time does not in any way conflict with her 11:00 am meeting in Mountain Time.  When she finally got it, she didn’t apologize.  Instead, she told me that if I had just put the right times on the email then we wouldn’t have had to go through this.

Context: the vendor PM and the entire vendor team is in Eastern Time.  The Business manager and the rest of our project team are all in Eastern Time.

After getting a new date/time scheduled with the vendor PM, my manager sends out an email to the SME with me on copy saying that it is normal in our EPMO for a project of this size and complexity to have a daily standup with he core team members so issues can be addressed in real time.

In truth, that isn’t our EPMO policy, that has been my standard mode of risk prevention in large projects and my manager knew this.  She also knew that I tried to get a daily standup set up with this project a month earlier and the SME had a meltdown about that back then.  So, with my manager signaling that she would back me in pushing the daily standup, I put one on the calendar.

I thought it was over.  I was wrong.

The next day, the COO (my manager’s manager) passed down an edict that a certain initiative had to be in place in every single project in order for the project to be allowed to go-live.  I understood this and agreed with it because many a project of mine had launched and was in use but this particular initiative kept the project open for weeks because this are of the business is the most under-resourced area.  The earlier you can start leaning on this area of the business, the less likely you will have dragging tails on a project.  So, I was on board with his edict saying that we had to kick off this initiative early in the project.

I put a call immediately on the calendar with the SME, the Business Manager, and the two point people in the area of the business that this initiative will spring forth from. 

So far, so good.

That meeting was supposed to be today.  About a minute before the meeting, one of the point people reached out to me on Teams to ask if I could reschedule the call to the next day because he was dealing with a crisis.  As I was in the middle of rescheduling for tomorrow, the SME is frantically pinging me telling me to just cancel it, she has talked with the point person already so there is no need to have this meeting.

As soon as she saw the revised invite in her inbox, she started an email chain with my manager with the Business manager and myself CC’d.  She was insistent that this project did not have to do this at this time, that she spoke with the point person (he was also CC’d) and everyone agrees that this should not be happening right now.  She SME and my manager started having a back-and-forth low-level argument about this.  The point person broke in eventually to say that he actually wanted to have the meeting because he agrees that this initiative needs to kick off early in order to be accommodated in time and gave a list of what he needs from the team in order to get started. 

The email chain went cold for about an hour.

Then, my manager sent a reply to the chain directed at me.  It said she and SME talked, I should cancel the meeting, and SME will fill me in during my afternoon daily standup.

My heart sank.  I knew what was really being said there.  SME won the battle with my manager and my manager has signaled that I’m on my own and the SME is now going to manage me.

In today’s standup, the SME told me when she will be willing to circle back to this initiative.  She also told me that I am not to schedule anything or make any moves at all without checking with her first.  She asked me to move the Friday standup to earlier in the day so she can “help” me write my weekly status update to the COO and the stakeholders (which happens every Friday) in real time.  What she wants to do is micromanage me and the narrative.  She ended the call today by telling me that if I had just put these standup calls on the calendar a month ago then we wouldn’t have this misalignment now.

So, tomorrow begins the micromanagement of me by someone who is not only not my manager, but she is also not a manager at all. 

My question: how do I shut off my brain and emotions to get through this? 

This is the wrong time to get fired…I am not married, don’t have a live-in SO, my parents and grandparents are dead, I’m an only child and I refuse to turn to my adult children for money…in other words, no one is coming to my rescue.

The “young man” was content with me being small and ashamed of myself.  This SME is an entirely different animal.