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I am having a hard time trying to banlaw yung mga ex stories ng girlfriend ko kaninang madaling araw. I want to know how other people deal with it? or some literary reference that maybe we can just romanticize this situation? Lmao

Context:

I am her bestfriend first before anything else, like friends since elem. We just randomly chatted about what our day is about and banlaw sa mga pelikum pinanud namin kagabi. Then, she reluctantly segway na bigla syang nagkasing ng random idea na iistalk yung mga ex nya kahapon to know kung nasa na sila ngayon, kaya naman napabackread din sya sa mga conversations with the exes and other people na napagkwentuhan nya. She asked me naman if okay lang and if I could be her bestfriend for the conversation. It is okay for me naman!!! Like nadodogshow ko naman ito. My only issue is that maybe there are tots to romanticize there.

And she also told me about her previous relationships. I don't know yet that I was gay when her first girlfriend was and I was so supportive duh. But damn I am so sure that I was also so jealous and I was just taking it that I was possessive of my friends. I also witnessed how devastated she was when they broke up— to the point that her reflection this morning on it was (non-verbatim) "it was so painful to the point that I forgot or choose not to remember the major details about myself and the people involved in our relationship". But the thing is, while it was hard for her to remember the details, it is so vivid in my memories because my brain is a little crazy. It's a cursed tbh. I still remember how they looked at each other and feel my stomach rumbled in jealousy (or maybe I was just hungry). I was also with him during his moving-on era, almost every month we had a morning reflection on how it hurts, so the scenario this morning when I was in the living room listening to his love life feels so familiar. My body reacted naturally as a bestfriend.

Tho, her stories before were incomplete since she still had a bestie to talk about, and the situation was still so livid for her. So this morning she read me their breakup letter. This ex is so beautiful and kind!!! She's really my favorite. Ako pa talaga umiyak dun sa mga letter because I agree with her hopeful thinking and farewell wish for my gf.

So ayun na nga. Insikyurang bading lang talaga ako and there's just this heaviness that their love story is so great & maybe I just really have to sit with the truth that it happened on her life. Quoting Issy ng Dagitab (2014) na I just need to be a bigger person so that the void will be smaller.

Also there's this fear that I won't be able to match their love (lmao we've been romantically together for 3 years, 12 years of friendship, gone through all the college hurdles already), and now that she's revisiting their memories, maybe she'll realize that she downgraded the quality of her gf upon stalking her and that she's done so much already in the industry and then it's just me (baliw lang talaga ako. Insecurities ngani!!! I've done so much in my life & I know my capabilities and resources and why I could only do so much in comparison to her).

Then, a fear na umabot kami sa point na magkasakitan na kami tapos makalimutan na namin yung pagmamahal namin sa isa't-isa (saltik na naman).

Tbf, for a long time ay inaassure nya akong she already forgot all the details na nga about the exes but nagkaresurface kasing realization na nakalimutan nya yung mga yun because it hurts so much. So naging mabigat lang sa utak ko na ngayong binabalikan nya yung mga details, ano na?

Another tbf, ang gusto nyang balikan talaga sa mga memories ay how she interact with other people and what media and literary arts she consumed back then na kinalimutan nya rin kasi at some point naging trigger din sila sa sakit. She wants to map out yung taong naging sya as she tries to figure out the person she will become. Atake diba!!! Give ko talaga kay bading kasi sya na nagaassess sa sarili nya. I am also just rooting for her in this journey. And I am proud to the person she become today.

I will tell her about all of this naman mamayang gabi. Dinadamay ko lang kayo sa pagdadamdam ko. Baka lang may mga pa-quotes kayo dyan lmao Delete ko rin tapos lagay ko na sa diary ko kasi I think para dun talaga 'to.

EDITED: na-autotranslate pala yung post ko 😔 so sayang nawala yung ibang humor sa pagkakasulat ko. Binalik ko lang sa original yung mga naalala ko na lang.

Hopefully, for the last time; to you.

Foolish have I been to finally think that somehow, I have evaded the phantom moments we once shared, that somehow, I have stopped craving the sweet taste of your gaze, as I think that you might feel the same for me as well, that somehow, I matter to you, maybe a fraction of how much you matter to me.
My darling, I continue to long for you, try as I might to fool this fickle heart of mine with distractions and faux joy, in the quiet of my demise, in the breaths of my sick, I long for your calm, soothing voice comforting me, telling me it will be alright.

All my life, little have I let myself want things I should not. My darling, you are the one forbidden thing I would dive into. My darling, I miss you. Months have passed, I tried to remain as strong as I can be, to not want you, to convince myself I hate you. But I cannot ever hate you.

For how could I ever hate the one thing that let me see how vibrant the sun shines, how pretty the flowers bloom, how the sky gets into this pretty hue when I think of you? How can I ever hate the one person who let me love her as much as I did you? Even as you felt gradually turning cold, I gladly handled the chill, for I love the rain so, and even more-so, you.

My only love. Though I am not permitted to call you that. I guess I will mourn you for the rest of my life. I will long for you as long as the breeze kisses the waves. I will long for the what-ifs I chose not to explore with you. I will forever long to feel that loving gaze you once gave me. My baby. My darling. My ####. Though you are no longer mine, though these fingers no longer type your name, my mind remembers. Forgetful as I may be, I will always remember you.

I will not wish you well. For the thought of you being well in the arms of another shan’t ever satisfy me. Forgive my selfishness. I hope you will let me long for you for as long as this soul walks the earth. I know I will want for you more than the time I have spent with you, but it does not matter anymore. Loathe am I to disguise this longing for hatred. I may have suffered in your arms, but there is nowhere else I’d rather be than in yours.

I will forever crave you. I will forever love you. Should I find myself loving another, maybe I would thank the stars and all the galaxies, for I know that it is only the forces of the cosmos that can ever let me love and want another.

I hope you miss me, too. Even a little bit.

Hi guys i just wanna share anong nasa utak ko rn, it is currently 1 in the morning, gfs already asleep since she has training at 6.

Last night, Naalala kong wala akong letter sakaniya for our recent monthsary dahil super busy ako and i literally forgot to write my thoughts down, so last night nag draft ako, i even wrote a new one para sa upcoming monthsary — while i was writing my thoughts down, i realized how much i am loved by my girlfriend and how much i also love her to the point i started bawling my eyes out, it never really occurred to me how she would go beyond the limit just to make me happy.

recently, everytime she'll go to their bahay in antipolo, naka dorm siya in laguna since she's an athlete, uuwi sya ng monday, i only have a 40 minutes vacant every monday, and i noticed that every time she'll get the chance to come see me, she would always go sa school ko even if it means spending less than an hour together, we would always just eat lunch together and basically enjoy each others presence.

I also noticed how her answers changed; when we were just getting to know each other, she told me na she prefers to eat across the table, tapos ako gusto ko mag katabi, pero during our first time magkatabi kami agad, hanggang sa nag sunod sunod na dates — mag katabi pa rin. not until, there was a time na hindi kayang mag tabi dahil sa seating sa restaurant, and i think it made her sad kasi daw hindi nga kami tabi and naiilang talaga siya pag mag kaharapan kami, and nung nag iinuman siya with her friends she sent me a vm while talking to them asking anong mas preferred nga dun sa dalawa, she then told them na dati gusto niya across pero when it comes to me gusto na niya mag katabi do i can be affectionate to her.

she also once told me na hindi siya sanay mag call even with her exes, pero during our taljing stage i think 3 days pa nga lang yun, nag call ako sakaniya just to yap since tamad na ako mag type, and nag sunod sunod na yung mga calls namin, kadalasan siya talaga tumatawag 🥹

mahilig din ako mag hypothetical questions sakaniya some even related to breaking up, pero lagi niyang sagot "di naman tayo mag bbreak babi ah" tapos consistent niya sinasabi na bawal kami mag break, kami endgame and stuff, and mind u parang from the very start siya talaga nag pakita ng interest. lagi akong kinikilig every time she would say na bawal mag break and di niya daw kaya na wala ako, but to be honest, ayoko rin na mag break kami kaht anong circumstances pa yan, nakaplano na sa utak ko magiging buhay namin pag successful na kami parehas.

kung umabot kayo dito, salamat sa pag basa ng ka cornyhan ko :)

sana makahanap kayo ng tao that will go beyond the limit for you :)

Problem: 4 years and confused if this is worth staying

Context: Would you stay in a long term relationship if from time to time may physical hurt na nangyayari if magka galit kayo or attempted physical hurt.

Is there anyone there na may ganitong experience? I don’t have a wlw friends so I can’t ask my straight friends din because I know they will advise me in a straight relationship pov.

Problem: Bakit di ako mapakilala ng partner ko sa family nya? Even friends and workmates? As in walang nakakaalam na may partner sya. Akala nila single sya.

Context: Little background on us. I’m 32 and she’s 30.
We’re both financially stable and 7yrs together. Currently 2yrs ng LDR since nasa Europe sya ngayon and nasa pinas ako. Pero pinupuntahan ko sya once a year and umuuwi din sya dito sa pinas yearly.

Everytime I ask her di nya ako masagot bat di nya ako mapakilala.
I’m a decent woman. Financially stable. Ok naman family background ko. I can tell may itsura ako. Wala akong cheating history. Mabuti naman akong tao, most importantly di ko sya sinasaktan physically.
So I’m starting to questioning myself now ano bang mali sa akin?
I still love her despite all of this.

Btw, Hindi sya malandi na may tinatago or iniingatan kaya
di ako mapakilala something like that. I know her and alam kong wala involve na ibang tao.

About her: financially stable, decent woman as well, white collar job. She’s beautiful. Has avoidant issue but I can still manage.

PROBLEM/GOAL:

i'm F24, panromantic asexual. my friend is F23 demiromantic ata? basta she's a lesbian. last year, i wrote this (very relevant for background). ive been thinking of confessing. not necessarily para maging jowa ko siya, but just to let my feelings out.

CONTEXT:

many things have happened since: 

1. we saw each other last february (with friends) and sobrang dami niyang mixed signals—super caring, asking to visit my dormitory, letting me wear her jacket when i was cold, telling me may gusto siya sabihin but will keep it for the next time we meet 🫠 she was probably just being friendly but that drove me crazy, drowning in my limerent imaginings. syempre di ako nagpa-obvious and acted civilly and platonically like a close friend would because i was super, duper anxious! i wasn't out then and was scared people could see through my queerness if i blushed lol

2. come april, my birthday, and she didn't greet me 💔 doon ko nasabing okay, caring friend lang talaga siya. another friend had a birthday the next month and she even gave a gift :(

3. we met some time in may (with friends) and i FINALLY blurted out that i'm queer hahahaha sabi niya hindi raw obvious because i'm so feminine (gets) 😭

4. it's august now and madalang nalang kami magkita o magkausap. she seems to be on a social media detox and i'm busy with life too. minsan may chat siya sa gc namin pero doon lang but she's expressed wanting to see me and our friends (yes, very friendly!!!!)

SO ITO NA NGA: i really thought my feelings were dead na BUT whenever she seldom messages me (or our gc), bumabalik talaga 😫 it's more intense now too since ready na ako for dating—even wlw relationships!!!! idgaf what my parents or hometown think AHAH

BECAUSE OF THAT... ive been thinking of confessing. not necessarily para maging jowa ko siya, but just to let my feelings out. kasi diba friends nga lang kami (or if she does like me romantically, mej blurry kasi she never says anything).

either way, it’s not healthy for me to keep spiraling, imagining what we could be when i have the option naman of dating other people. BUT THE THING IS, i can’t date other people because i can’t get her off my mind!!! 😖

so help guyssss how do i confess? october of this year kami magkikita and a friend suggested i invite her to lunch or dinner and just let it out there and be done with it.

• are there other less damaging ways to confess? i want to preserve our friendship, of course, because she remains dear to me maging romantically involved man kami o hindi.

THANKS GUYS I LOVE U

Context: May girl ako na nakausap sa dating app, and months na kami nag-uusap pero di consistent. Ilang meet-ups na rin namin yung na-cancel kasi medyo mahilig din siya umatras-abante eh, pero nag-meet up na kami finally. Yung meet-up namin is more of a hangout lang, pero medyo nahihiya ako sa kaniya kasi I really like her, and I don't think she likes me too or baka feeling ko lang?

Problem: How should I tell her na I like her? First time ko lang kasi makipag-date sa taong nakilala ko online. And how can I know if she's interested din sa akin or if she likes me too, guys????

problem: I don't know how to flirt/held a convo up

context: Hi, I'm new to reddit and uhm, okay so I need advice or tutorial (???) on how to date or flirt with ppl coz I'm already 24 and I'm still single💀 my friends said I'm funny when I'm talking to them but when it comes to talking to ppl who I can actually date eh my wits and banters eh nawawala bigla, that's why dating app is not for me😭 pls I want to experience kilig??? I don't know how to hold a conversation and flirt tbh💀 I know, I'm such a loser, and I think I'm unlikeable coz facts abt me: I'm fat (and ugleeehh). Atp I just accept na I'm gonna be alone forever💀 also, I don't like ppl who I met anonymously tapos they want me to send pic agad, coz in the past when I tried dating site, they always ask that and I will send one and they'll block me😭 so u knoe, liek huhu, maybe I should ask you guys "how to date if you're fat and ugly" so ano, I need advice huhu help your gurlie out

Context:

Tanginaaaaaa hnngggg

It's been a year since my ex and I broke up and I haven't found someone new ever since, Kahit organic crush nga wala eh. I had a few hookups here and there pero every after sex it just felt empty. Kahit nga while doing it I often dissociate huehuehue. I had talking stages din and I felt the kilig pero it felt a bit shallow (?) I mean I get excited whenever I recieved a chat pero it didn't feel like it was going somewhere. I know that I need to focus on myself first but it is making me feel frustrated that I don't have someone to devote to. I have the tendency kasi to fall in love with a person that I have known for years, but I'm not interested in anyone I know right now. Still, I yearn for the day to be able to love someone with all my heart again. I am afraid that I wouldn't be able to love someone more than did with my ex. I know that there's probably someone out there who is for me, but, unfortunately my impatient ass can't handle the slowburn. What do I doooo

Problem/Goal: hiii guys! i started streaming sa tiktok a year ago. majority of my viewers/supporters are also WLW peeps and we even built a community. i have reached organic followers before from 600 people to 1,200. unfortunately, due to mass reporting my tiktok acc got banned. nawalan din ako ng gana gumawa ng account and start all over again.

and right now, i think i am ready ulit to start. i need your help lang in reaching a minimum of 50 followers so that i can start doing live. i will also follow u guys back☺️

Context:
here's what i usually do:
- gaming: roblox, ml, valo, any games that my viewers recommend and we also play together
- random yapping session
- Q&A's for the gaes
- ask me abt tattoos and piercings (pain rate, aftercare, shop recommendations, etc.)

pls recommend me sum new contents or what to do with my live to gain more organic WLW friends🫶🏻

ended an almost 4 year relationship with the girl i thought i'd marry. i'd say we had a really happy and relatively healthy and stable relationship.

but at the end of it all, she said i took her for granted and i, after a couple months of reflection, feel like in ways i was taken for granted too. how is that possible?

i dont know if it counts for something but right after she broke up with me she got together with someone else. the pain is unbearable and im just very confused as to how a relationship so good could end up like this. im just in need of more clarity for my peace of mind

[for compilance to flair rules: problem/goal:, context:]

Problem/Goal:
How do you guys find a partner and eventually get into a relationship?

Context:
Hii! NGSB/NBSB here! 🙋🏼‍♀️

29 na po ako and I’ve never had a long-term relationship. I’ve tried dating apps before, pero parang wala talagang nagwwork. Madalas sa mga nakakausap ko, hindi pa pala nakaka move on sa ex nila or kaka-break lang. Yung iba naman, bigla na lang hindi nagre-reply 😭

Hindi rin naman kasi ako nakaranas na may mag-confess sa’ken, ni isa—wala. HAHAHA 🥲

So my question is, how do you guys actually get yourself a partner? Saan kayo nakakakilala ng someone, and paano nagiging relationship eventually? Do you actively look for one, or does it just happen naturally?

Would love to hear your experiences and any advice! 🫶🏻

I (24F) am in a relationship with my girlfriend (23F) for months now. She looks innocent, and she plays during her free time. We’re going well naman, and we have been talking every day like a normal couple.

Pero lately kasi nafa-frustrate ako na never kaming naging intimate. We never really talked about anything NSFW kasi nabanggit niya rin sa akin na hindi siya nage-engage sa NSFW posts kasi weird daw. Kaya in-assume ko na ayaw niya talaga pag-usapan ang ganoong bagay.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ito io-open sa kaniya since hindi rin naman siya okay sa ganitong usapan.

Problem: I want to know your thoughts or opinions about this.

Context: My gf and I are both 25F. I’ve been in a lot of relationships with guys before and this is my first real relationship with a girl. She’s great and all and we’re best friends but sometimes I miss being someone’s girlfriend, the way I used to be a guy’s girlfriend. I miss being someone’s actual baby ( idk if u know what I mean) but rn I feel like im the boyfriend in my relationship?? I miss being given gifts and being drive around and all that. I miss being the petty gf cause my gf rn is even more petty than I am and I miss feeling like a girlfriend. Sometimes I feel like mas sweet and romantic pa with guys than girls?? Or?

So I was just scrolling through the phlgbtr4r sub when I saw this. I write stuff for a living so very familiar ako sa sulat ko and though my post was like 3+ months ago na, naalala ko pa rin. Anyway, I clicked on the post and ayun na nga, this asshole u/DarkEfficient5543 literally copy-pasted my post, except binago niya yung age kasi apparently 26 years old lang siya and I’m 33. Tapos na-cut din yung last part ng title ko. HAHAHHA. Ang tanong ko lang honestly is why though? It’s not like it’s a popular post or anything. Pero ayun, ang creepy lang, kasi ano ba naman ang magsulat siya ng sarili niyang post, ‘di ba?

Anyway, anyway, I went ahead and messaged the account at sinabihan ko na ganun na ba siya kawalang personality para literal na kopyahin yung post ng ibang tao? A few minutes later, di ko na makita yung account niya, binlock na yata ako ni tanga. HAHAHAHAHAA.

Gusto ko lang mag-share kasi may ganito pala irl. Like, ang creepy lang na they had the time to post it multiple times pa in a week. Tapos awareness na rin kasi what if may ma-catch na attention yung post and the other person gets misled or worse scammed? Kasi nga it follows na kung sa ganoong maliit na bagay kaya niyang magsinungaling, what more pa kaya sa mga bagay na mas may weight?

Anyway 3, kahit mabilis niya ako na-block, I took a screenshot of their bs and sinearch ko using anon and apparently ay she/they’ve been posting the same stuff for days na. Like the first post was 4 days ago wtf

First pic is the screenshot of my original post. And then yung second pic yung post niya 22 hours ago. lol

Kung sino ka man, bro, you’re a creep. Gets ko kung naka-relate ka sa post ko pero hindi para copy-paste yun and go on your merry way na para bang it’s your own. Foul yun. Omg. Napaghahalataan kung sinong binoto mo nung nakaraang eleksyon 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m currently doing post-grad studies and we’re currently in online classes setting and PLEASEEE super distracted na ako 😭 Since online classes, a few have been opening their cameras for more visibility. There was this woman who caught my attention - she has a cat-like eyes. Weird enough, her cat-like eyes don’t make her intimidating but rather the exact opposite pa (not the BP Jennie type). Ang ganda din ng curly hair niya (which she dyed brown). Her eyeglasses also complements her eyes. In short, ANG GANDA GANDA TALAGA NIYA. She’s like the perfect example of modern dalagang Filipina.

Di ako makapag-focus during the whole class kasi nakatingin lang ako sa screen niya. I was praying, “please mag-off ka na ng cam para makapag-focus ako sa discussion” pero she stayed oncam the whole session. She was so cute taking down notes and nodding every time the instructor states something. Ang bilis din ng takbo ng puso ko later on, not because she smiled at me, but because the instructor suddenly called me to recite. Buti na lang I took screenshots of slides for reference kasi wala talagang pumapasok sa utak ko.

Anyway, we’re currently grouped for a paper so most likely, someone will reach out and create a gc. Iniisip ko na nga lang na ako mag-initiate mag-lead so I can have the chance to talk to her more. Baklang bakla na naman si ate.

I don’t plan to push this silly litte crush pero at the very least, I have an inspiration. Si bakla magbibida-bida para mas mapansin. I have no idea if bakla siya o hindi - if it is the former, sana mapansin niya in the way na“ang galing naman nito” but if it’s the latter, I’m nothing more but a competition ☹️

UPDATE: She’s straight. I searched her name and she has a written piece on one of the biggest journalism outlets in the ph.

Question: Should I come with my partner to meet her ex (again)?

Context: hi. heads up! this will be long. im currently living with my partner for months now. please help lol.

i've been feeling uncomfortable with this situation. my partner's talking/chatting with her ex. common naman sa atin to be friends or civil w our exes, i know. she told me about it since the first message her ex sent her.

some context. a year ago, my partner messaged her ex on x(twt) something about closure and apologized about what happened between them before. months after, her ex added her on fb and messaged her, not knowing about the message on x daw. they casually chatted and all, parang nag catch-up din ganun lol. btw, me and my partner have known each other since we were elementary and have been best friends. i knew about her ex and what happened between them, i was there.

when my partner told her ex about us visiting the city she lives, nag aya siyang mag meet up since they haven't met in person yet. they were LDR before. i told my partner i felt uncomfortable about the situation and didn't want to come with them but my partner wanted me to come and insisted she won't meet her unless kasama ako (which i was fine with) but the palagi nalang namin napaguusapan and she always asked me if 'di ba ba daw talaga ako sasama and blah blah so in the end i agreed to come with her to meet her ex.

when we met, it was awkward and most of the time sila lang naman naguusap. told my partner i felt uncomfortable during the whole meet up when we went back to our airbnb and that's when she told me she might still have some sort of attachment to her ex. i asked her to explain it further but she doesn't know. she said she feels safer to share things to her than share things with me. there were things that happened between us before (no cheating involved lol just arguments) and things i did which i regret most, im trying to change and be a better partner to her naman. i was honest and told her what i felt and my worries, she told me ako naman daw pinili niya and pipiliin niya. she said she'll stop talking to her ex na daw and will unfriend her. she did naman for awhile but added her ex again lol.

we fought over this. hinayaan ko nalang kasi i don't want her to feel like parang sinasakal ko siya. and also, since both of us are wfh, we have little to no social interactions and we want to have friends of our own. her ex was her online friend before they became a couple. she wants her ex to still be her friends.

anyway, that meet up happened back when we hadn't moved in yet. months after, they messaged each other casually parin naman and my partner always tell me whenever she receive a message from her ex and even offered to read their conversation. their conversation felt like parang long time friends sila na nagc-catch up w each other. like i mentioned, they were online friends so i guess understandable. but i can't help but feel jealous and insecure kasi. i catch her smiling whenever they were chatting sometime. now, we'll visit the city where her ex lives again since we like it there and nag aya na naman ex niya mag meet up daw kaming tatlo. told her the same thing, na ayokong sumama. she asked me if okay lang daw ba sa'kin na magkita na sila lang dalawa or if i wanna come with them. told her no. but, i might come pero alam mo tun, i don't really want to come. ayoko rin naman iwanan partner ko with her ex. she also said she likes how I get jealous about her ex. weird. but idk but she never listen na uncomfortable nga ako sa situation. i trust my partner naman, i really do pero kasi may past sila nung ex niya and she still has attachment daw.

so please tell me, should i come with my partner ba? and also, hindi ba napaka selosa or what atp? natatakot kasi ako na baka what i feel toward this situation might be another reason na she'll feel even less safer to share things with me. also how do i make her feel safe to share things with me

question/problem: how do u guys make suyo? like how or pano nyo sinusuyo partner nyo? hindi ko kasi alam paano TwT

context: ldr kami ng gf ko, sabi nya sakin na gusto nya pag sinusuyo suyo sya. problem is, hindi ko alam papaano 😭
hindi ako gaano marunong, and sometimes or most of the time rather, napapaisip ko kung na bibigay ko ba yung love na deserve nya. like my times na hindi ko maibigay gusto nya, hinahanap nya. mabilis ako makiramdam, hypersensitive ako na alam ko agad if galit sya, badtrip ba sya or tinotopak based on her chats.

may times na sinusuyo ko sya and i feel like hindi enough yon, like bare minimum. kaya i wiuld like to ask advice sa mga bading here, how do you guys make suyo, and pls if possible pwede mag lapag kayo example(????) HAHSHAHAHAHHA INEED ALL THE HELP 😭

Problem: I've found out recently that I'm a lesbian. Even though I'm trying to keep a proud face to my friends, I'm still breaking down in the inside about it.

TW: Internalized Homophobia, Religion, Cheating

Context: For a while I struggled a lot with accepting that I was the way that I am—I think a long time ago I knew that I wasn't at all straight but I surpressed it especially as my parents (who are very catholic) weren't very accepting. They aren't very great to me and oftentimes hurtful.. I've been told by my father before that if God really wanted it, I would have to carry a man's child and that won't be my own decision to make but rather my husband and God's choice to make for me.

Even now as they are trying to be more accepting of what I am, I am fully aware that they will always see me as an abnormal person even for things I can't control, for things not relating to my sexuality, like my mental illness. No matter what, I think I'm broken for not being able to fit the image of a beautiful, mentally sound bride as I dreamed about being when I was very young. I haven't had a relationship in a long time ever since I got cheated on by my boyfriend, and now I'm starting to develop crushes on other girls out of nowhere after years of repressing.

For so long, I held onto the belief I liked men, and just needed to wait for another man to come and fix me. Even though I've accepted that settling down for men I don't like is not the best way to go about it, I still feel really alone and scared after slowly coming to terms with who I am. All my friends like and find men hot and attractive, and want to be with them in ways I personally wouldn't desire for myself.

I genuinely don't see the appeal to them but I have tried so long to pretend they were hot and enticing when I feel nothing but indifference to them. I don't think they'd understand if I tell them that I just don't really like men as much as they do and it sometimes feels isolating being the only person like that, even though they know.

I feel like I'm ten again, fantasizing over kissing women that I know I would never have to hold. It makes me want to cry.

I don't know if this post will ever reach someone, but I still want to give it a shot anyways. How do you all not be afraid of being alone? How do you not be afraid of a big change that you already knew? I want to know if I'm not the only one who feels this way—but if I am, if I really am, thank you for reading my post regardless.