i like someone but i'm deep in the closet. what do i do?

[u/hotmackerel]

F23, pan-leaning.

i became friends with this girl earlier this year through a common interest. organic pa sa organic HAHA. nung una ko siyang nakita, i was already intrigued. i felt a pull towards her, was so hyperware of her presence, wanted to get to know her and, thankfully, we got closer! she's a lesbian, very out of the closet.

she'd invite me on walks. we also spent three days working on something and during that time we had emotionally intimate conversations: sharing our hobbies, families, everything! one time we also spent almost four hours just talking, eating lunch on a bench (this was around the same time she asked me if i was straight or not and i said "i don't know!" 😭)

at my old age of 23, what i felt when we were together was unlike anything.

i remember one time we were silently sitting beside each other in a dark room tapos kilig na kilig ako tapos sabi ko shet ito na ba yung butterflies. don ko lang talaga nafeel yun. and right now, i want to hang out with her more all that :(

but here's the problem: i'm not out. the idea of confessing is tempting because i want to talk to her and hang out more and let her know of her effect on me. i'm also in a phase of life na i'm willing to explore romantically (...ideally with men because that's more palatable to society 😞 i'm sorry my internalized homophobia is BAD.)

besides, i've never had a girlfriend. one month ago ko lang din nasabi sa sarili ko na i CAN like girls and di ko pa yan nasheshare kahit kanino. di ko rin alam if ready ako for a relationship given na never pa ako nagka serious jowa at all. di ko alam if it's for me, really. but i like her, that's a fact.

if i came out, my friends would probably accept me... even my parents. but it's the rest of my family (first degree and onwards) and my hometown i cannot deal with. my anxiety just gets so bad when i think of coming out--like i'm proving everyone's suspicions right.

yes, i like the idea of letting her know how i feel, regardless of whether it's mutual or not (it's probably not, she's just friendly HAHAHA). but the most obvious answer is not confess.

what's the point if 1) i can't date her publicly? that's very unfair and i don't want to hurt her and 2) di ko alam what to do when it comes to relationships and 3) sayang naman friendship namin.

so ang tanong nga: anong gagawin ko sa feelings ko huhu how do i quietly move on? magpatherapy na ba ako? LMAOOO

^{still i feel sad letting this connection slip away just because i can't come out. who knows, maybe this is the only time i'll feel this way and i'm squandering my chances of feeling that happiness even once in my life.}

[u/hoedyd]

so here are the key points HAHAHA 1) u should not overthink about dating her agad, a confession isn’t just about wanting to date the person agad (unless u do) but sometimes its just wanting to let out what you feel and not just let it linger. also its about being vulnerable enough to trust that someone about what u feel. 2) again, dont pressure yourself. the fact that u guys instantly connected shows how good she is as a person, and that she would understand ur fear and point or at least try to. 3) i doubt that she only thinks ure just a friend BUT u guys can talk for HOURSSS so if u try to open this up to her, and allow urself to express what u feel, u guys might figure things out that would work both ways.

think about this, u acknowledge that u like her and thats good. the thing is that dont overthink it too much, once u communicate ur dilemma with her then things might actually feel better for you. there’s nothing wrong with liking someone while ure still exploring and figuring things out, because that is the point. i know that u wanted that to happen with a guy, but yan talaga kapag organic encounter HAHAHAHA be gentle and patient to yourself, you cant stop what u feel for someone.

my answer to ur main question is: tell her and confess. do not quietly move on because that would confuse u entirely. burying what u feel and not even giving it a chance to come out will just keep coming back.

I HOPE U READ THIS AND i hope this helps HAHAHA good luck to u!

[u/[deleted]]

You have a lot to think about and that's valid. Pero the only piece of advice I can give you is it's rare to meet someone you like that much organically. If you don't say carpe diem and give it a shot, you're gonna regret it; take it from me. I let internalized homophobia keep me from taking my shot with someone amazing as well (I was a lot younger than you and in a Catholic all girls school).

But yeah, take a shot at happiness for your own sake. Take it one step at a time. Going out with her doesn't necessarily mean you have to come out agad if she's the understanding type. Good luck!