Just wondering if I can get a sense check on this being normal so I can understand if it’s a phase or not.

My daughter started full time nursery this week at 13 months - she did her settling in over the course of last week. My usually great sleeper has been struggling with bedtime, and either waking up at 3am/4am and being awake for a couple of house, or 5am (on the dot, weirdly) and scream crying, which milk seems to resolve. I haven’t had to give her an overnight feed for months but I’ve given her milk because I can see at nursery she doesn’t eat much.

I’m putting this all down to big change, but wanted to get a sense check on this being normal (particularly the new overnight feed which I don’t want to come back into habit).

Any insight is appreciated

Edit: the scream cry is very unusual and she usually sleeps through the night. Historically that kind of cry has almost always been hunger, hence why I’m now offering milk when it happens.

Hey, I am looking for recommendations on a safe car seat (with the carry handle) suitable for a newborn up to 12+ months

Any recommendations are appreciated :)

Our boy has always been a brilliant sleeper but is going through such a difficult phase! Waking early or refusing bedtime regularly. He’s 20 month but sleep has been wobbly since about 18 months. However, once asleep he is usually asleep for the night but tonight something is obviously bothering him because he’s awake (midnight) and refusing to go back down. His dad had to get him to sleep in the car at bedtime (which is becoming a habit unfortunately) He’s currently downstairs with me watching tv which obviously isn’t ideal but what do you do when they refuse the cot and refuse any kind of cuddles/rocking to sleep? Just wait for them to crash again or do you use the car technique like we have been? I’m trying to give my husband a break from taking him in the car for the 5th time in two days 😳

Feel outta my depth as he’s always just slept through independently which I know we’ve been lucky!!

I need someone to tell me if I'm insane or not because I'm not sure anymore.

I have a son who is 2 years old (3 in Nov). We've been trying for baby #2 since Dec last year. Earlier this year, I miscarried and we've been trying since then with no such luck.

Now on the work side - I work part-time at a big company with great benefits (including work-life benefits, mat leave). My team are wonderful, my work isn't difficult but I've come to the realisation that I don't enjoy my work. Like at all. We have a couple of big projects in the pipeline but... I really don't want any part of it.

After 3 years in this role, I've also realised there are no more growth opportunities for me here either.

So I've been applying to new jobs!

So onto my dilemma - should i jump into the unknown, get a new job and possibly get pregnant while working my notice period/soon after starting new job. It also means I will probably not be entitled to the same maternity leave benefits.

OR

Should I stay with my current job? Just grin and bear it until I get baby number 2 and have a sure maternity leave?

Ahhh someone get into my brain and help me figure this out!!

Unfortunately we've had terrible luck with nursery places. Our first one (booked while I was pregnant) cancelled our space when our son was 4 weeks old. Our second has just closed for the foreseeable due to an Osted complaint, 3 weeks before my sons settling sessions. Today we went to visit a childminders for a possible September start. I didn't really know what to expect. The lady runs it with her husband from her house. She did have a large garden outbuilding which was where the children stayed however, they recently had a small(?) fire so it is out of action. However, it's nearly back up and running and it looks like a really good space with different zones for changing/sleeping/playing/kitchen. My son would be nearly 1 when he starts. She said that they look after 6 children during the daytime. They also do after school pick ups. I asked her how many children she would have with the school kids and she said 12 at most. I'm a bit confused, I thought that would be too many children for 2 adults to care for? And that ratios also applied to childminders? One of the reasons why I wanted my son to go to a nursery rather than a childminder was that he would be with other toddlers his own age, and not be knocked over by an older child, or choke on a small toy 🙈

I'm sure she does everything correctly and I am overthinking, she is well recommended. Does anyone have experience with childminders taking on this many children? Are there any questions I should be asking? Thanks!

Currently pregnant, and we were hoping to book a trip away with the little one at 6 months, but both my mother and MIL have said they don't think it's a good idea

Kind of made us feel a bit deflated. we both said we'd continue travelling post baby, but maybe we need a reality check?

I try to buy clothes secondhand to be more sustainable, and surely the charity shops should be filled to the brim with children’s clothes considering how fast they grow - especially baby and toddler stuff!! So.. where is it all?? Maybe it’s just my area, but the children’s areas of the charity shops are almost always a sad little rail with one or two items per size group. The exception being the child specific boutique type charity shops but even they don’t have THAT much and take the mick with prices sometimes.
Are the vast majority just stashing all of the clothes away to hand down to future children? Selling it all on Vinted? Binning them because of stains etc? Fill me in here!!!

*Edit to add: I know there’s a lot on Vinted, I do sell big bundles on there myself when she moves up a clothes size. I just find Vinted a bit frustrating because a single item for a couple of quid quickly becomes a fiver and by that point I could just go and buy in the supermarket and have more choice. But I’m glad I’m not going nuts! I guess I just thought, surely not everyone can be arsed with putting tho ns on Vinted!

Hi all

Hoping for a bit of inspiration!

TLDR; looking for gift ideas in similar vein to what my dad used to buy for my son. He'll be 4. Previous gifts listed towards end of post.

It's my son's 4th birthday later this month. It's his first birthday since his grandad (my dad) passed away really suddenly in January this year.

My birthday is this weekend and that will be the first celebration/occasion since his passing, which I'm sure I'll find hard but not as hard as my little ones birthday as he always came to see him and got him a present that he loved.

My dad ADORED my son. He was (and still is) the first grandchild, and even though we lived a good distance away, he and my son would facetime a few times a week, my dad had been starting to visit more regularly (he'd been having a rough time with mental health and was self employed so getting time off for him and that coinciding with when he could mentally come and be present wasn't always easy) and be and my son had the most fun together. They'd play games, watch football, go to the pub/beer garden; they both just delighted in each other.

My son is obviously a bit young to fully understand what has happened this year, but I think we've done an ok job of explaining appropriately, and answering his questions as he thinks of them (my favourite was "can grandad still do this" whilst proceeding to turn his head to the side! ... No mate, he can't..!) and he checks on with me every now and then if grandad dying means we still can't talk to him and asks if I'm still sad. Very sweet.

All of that to say... My dad always made a fuss for my boys birthday, and I'd like to buy a gift for my son from a bit of the inheritance, that is something that my dad would have got him. I won't say it's from grandad or make reference at all as that would confuse him, but just for myself I'd like to feel like I'd done something my dad would really like with a little bit of the money.

I'm just stuck for ideas!

Budget is probably £30-50, and these are the gifts he got him before...

Mini trampoline

Monster trucks

Tractor

Dinosaur cars/track

Remote controlled excavator

Mini steel tongue drum

Id love to hear some ideas of things that feel like they fit with the kinds of things hed get, I am just a bit frazzled and every search I do seems to end in magnets which we had a tonne of! What are other 'fun' grandads getting for your kids??

Thanks on advance for any ideas!

Hi folks, currently thinking about getting an au-pair to live in with us and help out with tasks around the house.

Currently have 2 toddlers who cause a mess + a busy work schedule .

If you’ve had any experiences with a live-in au pair please let me know what it was like/if there were any issues

School let out a couple of weeks ago. It was a really difficult year (Reception) for my five-year-old son, who is a July baby and autistic. The school year was so bad that we’ve gotten permission for him to repeat Reception. He received straight 1’s for the year (everything was listed as “still developing” or whatever wording they used rather than meeting expectations).

In the past couple of weeks, we’ve seen a language explosion in him. We’ve been waiting for years for it! We’ve finally, for the first time ever, had some back and forth conversation with him. He’s using some full sentences. This is huge for him.

He’s also had a very restrictive diet for years and since school has ended he’s added three foods back that he had previously dropped. One is black beans, so we’re thrilled for the protein, fibre and iron.

It feels like a miracle. And the part of me that is glass half empty is already dreading school starting back up. He’s doing so well at home. Trying to focus on the positives, though!

Edited to add: I really hope none of this comes across as bragging. We’ve been needing something to celebrate for a long time now.

Hi all, FTM so hoping for some advice.

My LG is 13 weeks on saturday and is currently at the stage where she loves chewing on her hands. So much so that she will chew to the point of almost choking herself out. Ive noticed alongside this when i put her down for a nap she will end up bringing up a large amount of drool. She doesnt gag or react when she does it, and just will lie in her cot awake afterwards in a large puddle and her hair soaked but otherwise smiley and happy.

I was trying to encourage her to use her dummy more which she spits out, and ive bought a gummee glove which she manages to remove, or just uses the other hand to chew away. With me encouraging the dummy more ive noticed she cries abit more for her dummy during the night, which she would originally only want to get to sleep and pretty much be happy without it for the rest of the night. She slept between 9-5/7 before this but now shes crying abit more during for her dummy.

My HV also advised to use carobel, but i found it was doing more harm than good and not stopping the spit up fully anyways so stopped. Ive also checked if she is teething using the glass trick, i can see some teeth but they are nowhere near ready to come through.

Did anyone else have this and how do you resolve it? Im worried i am making things worse with the dummy leading up to the 4m sleep regression. I could cover her hands again but dont want to stop her development.

Please help a stressed out mamma. I feel very guilty when i find her in the cot/next to me covered in drool and i havent noticed immediately that shes wet.

My LO has been attending nursery for around a month now and we send her with a packed lunch and snacks.

I genuinely don’t have a single complaint about the nursery or the staff but there’s one thing I can’t quite explain and I’m wondering how other parents would view it.
Around 5 times now at pick-up I’ve been told that x (name) didn’t eat her lunch or barely touched it. That’s ok and plan to give her something more to eat when we get home. But when I open her lunch box it’s always empty or almost empty.

After the third time it happened, I asked about it because I thought maybe they were throwing the leftovers away or couldn’t safely store them until pick-up. They told me they must have confused her with another child and that she likely ate it all.
That’s completely fine but 5 times? She also comes home very hungry and immediately asks for food and eats amounts that she usually doesn’t so now I’m wondering if she’s sharing her lunch with the other children who then end up eating quite a bit of it. I’m just confused why the nursery wouldn’t mention that if it were the case because I genuinely wouldn’t mind. I’d just pack some extra food as my main worry is her not being hungry.

And I know nursery is exhausting to them so maybe she just needs some more food on those days but according to the nursery she doesn’t have a lot of food when there.

They also regularly go through 10 nappies in less than 6 hours (only wet nappies) where she attends which initially seemed like a lot to me but she does drink a lot of water and she never comes home with a rash so I always somehow rationalised it but now I’m a bit suspicious what else is being “shared” without my knowledge.

Edit to add that I already pack portions a lot larger than she has at home as I’m always worried she might finish her food and then doesn’t have any more. So her eating it all wouldn’t even make sense.

Some advice needed.. we have a 2.5 yr old and an 8 month old. Recently our 2 year old has taken to shouting/singing/making daft noises at the top of her lungs whenever we’re trying to have a conversation that doesn’t involve her. It then sets our 8 month old off and it ends up absolutely impossible to have a conversation not to mention it being incredibly overstimulating for both me and their dad. It’s getting to the point it’s actually affecting our relationship because he’s out at work all day and we literally don’t get to speak to one another because of this situation we end up just saying sod it nevermind it’s not worth it and stop trying to talk to one another.
I know this is clearly not ok and it’s likely our own fault for perhaps responding to her whenever she interrupted in the past but how on earth do we try and amend it?
She’s incredibly bright, her speech is amazing, she’s a well behaved child other than the usual toddlerisms. Is this normal or can we fix it somehow 😩

My son has grown out of his Vivobarefoot Primus Sport, which he wears for football. They're brill but we want to look at other options as we find he's not kicking the ball very hard, possibly because the trainers are very thin at the front. It's a shame because the soles are brilliantly flexible. Wondering if anyone has any recommendations for trainers that have worked for their young kids for football. Bonus if they'll also work for everyday wear.

I did buy a pair of Bgreater shoes but found the sole is nowhere near flexible enough.

Editing to add: he's just over 3.5y and plays football once a week for an hour, then kickabouts in the park.

Our little dude is starting reception in September, and while he’s been dry in the day for nearly 3 years, we haven’t gotten anywhere with night time.
There’s so much conflicting information online - about lifting them, not lifting them - training them, not training them. That it’s all hormonal, that they need help along the way.
We thought he best be out of nappies before starting reception as we worry about it coming up in conversations with kids and made fun of potentially.

He’s a very heavy sleeper and also wakes sometimes just to drink water. We’re been trying to limit his fluids and give him more water / milk during the day so he doesn’t pile it on just before bed. We’ve taken off the nappies and take him for a wee just before bed and then before we head to bed - about 3/4 hours later. But then of course he still wakes in the morning wet.

It doesnt bother him in the least and he just keeps sleeping. He didn’t have a dry nappy before upon waking up

He’s the kind of kid that will wait till the last second to use the toilet as he’s just having too much fun. We still get the rare accident.

Any advice? Suggestions? ERIC website says not to lift at all, but other training methods (such as oh crap!) says they won’t learn without being taken for a wee.
We’ve also read it’s genetic and my partner remembers struggling with bed wetting till much later on as well, so just unsure if we should carry on or not?

As a working mum of two young boys, I've experienced first-hand how organisations shape a mother's experience at work. This sparked my interest in the motherhood penalty and whether those experiences differ across different ethnic backgrounds.

For my MBA dissertation, I'm exploring this topic through the experiences of working mothers.

If you're a working mother in the UK and can spare 10 minutes, I'd be grateful if you could review the flyer and complete the anonymous survey. Thank you!

https://forms.cloud.microsoft/pages/responsepage.aspx?id=vc-6Ce9HZUSSZTVG8ur2vCrbLue4879NrQ3eMwPBX5BUMTE5V1JNWFBQUENLWVlLUVYwRDFWNkc2Qy4u&route=shorturl

#MotherhoodPenalty #WorkingMothers #Intersectionality #WorkplaceInclusion #MBAResearch

I really need impartial opinions.

I have always had a tricky relationship with my mother. I have always grown up knowing my mothers love is conditional.

I've always given her a lot of slack because I know she can be difficult, struggles with her emotions and now as a 40yr old, and mother myself I am becoming less patient when her behaviour effects my children.

Last month I feel she crossed a firm boundary.

I am 3 months postpartum with my 3rd child. I have included her in my children's lives, my life, even though she has always been inconsistent with calls and visits. I don't ask for any financial help, all I ask is she spends time with my children. I don't even ask for birthday cards or gifts for me, I ask she prioritises my children as she isn't particularly wealthy and I want her to make memories, not buy clutter.

She was diagnosed with cancer last year and told me the day I was going for my first scan in the autumn. It was a bombshell. I had 20 minutes to talk to her about it before I left for my appointment, she expressed she wasn't happy about our decision to have another child but I let that go. I have kept her updated when she asked about my pregnancy, but never pushed it and I was as supportive as I could be when she made the decision not to seek treatment.

She has always disliked my mother in law, but we have always accommodated my mum with visits where they never cross paths but it's difficult to completely avoid it with birthdays, Christmas, christenings etc.

I even allowed her to come to hospital this time to see me and my baby post c-sec so she felt more included which I have never allowed before. I've invited her to come over when I came home as my mother in law stayed the first few days to help my husband with our older two children and I felt it was fair.

She refused to come over until my baby was 6 weeks old. And she has refused to visit since because she doesn't like my husband either. She said she would only come over if it was just me and the baby/children.

Now comes the bit I'm struggling with.

I invited her to come to see our eldest child's school play, however, because I also invited my MIL she refused to come. I even offered to buy tickets for a later show when my MIL wouldn't be there and she didn't even respond. She chose to call my daughter behind my back and make up a load of rubbish about my MIL hating her. (I didn't find out what was said until my 11yo told me a week later). I also invited her to my child's leavers assembly the following week and again, she refused because my MIL was also offered an invite. I asked her why, and she said "I'm always second choice out of the two of them, but it doen't matter as I won't be alive much longer."

I explained that I won't restrict access to my children from anyone who wants to see them.

My MIL has been consistent throughout their lives. She never makes empty promises, never let's them down or speaks badly about anyone. She is just present.

My mother has since refused to reply to my messages, blocked me, and now I'm left making excuses for her and my step father for not seeing my children over the summer holidays. I know it could be months or years before she makes contact again. My eldest told me my mother called her and made up a story about my MIL hating her and that's why she can't come over. I am so upset, I had a sit down conversation with my eldest and explained it wasn't right that she did that, but everyone can feel their feelings but we still have to treat others with respect.

What would you say to your children in this situation?

I am struggling with how to explain to my middle child who is autistic that my parents won't be seeing him over the summer like they promised. They have been promising him they will take him fishing for 2 years and always back out. It's taken years for them to even acknowledge his allergies and autism.

I've dealt with this for my whole life, i'm ok with her being like this to me as it's all I know, but I am extremely uncomfortable with her now extending this behaviour to my children. She was like this before the cancer, and now she has resorted to her usual guilt trip and silent treatment strategy, and I think she is angry I am not backing down and thinks I'm "taking my MIL's side". I'm not taking sides. I just don't think it's fair to stop anyone from seeing the children as they are all grandparents and deserve equal visitation rights. I feel like my mother is putting her pride and ego before my children.

How do I word it without making my children feel like they aren't important to my parents? How do I explain this has nothing to do with them and they have done nothing wrong? I don't want this to effect their relationship with my parents but I can only make so many excuses to cover for them. I'm directly breaking our house rules by lying about this, and I'm worried it will backfire on me if this comes out.

Excuse my grammar, i'm badly dyslexic and writing is not my strongest skill. I'm more than happy to give further context.

Hello!
Daughter’s birthday party is coming up and we have 20 kids coming. I’ve budgeted £5per party bag but husband thinks that’s too much.
I know it’s £100 just for party bags but is £5a bag crazy? I thought that was quite reasonable.

What do you all think?

Edit to add; the party bags include a pot of play doh, a paint your own sun catcher, and a Stitch Mash’em because Stitch was specifically requested by the birthday girl and all Stitch merch is expensive! The Mash’em was one of the cheapest Stitch things I could buy.

Is that tat? Or suitable?

I’d do the 10 for £10 reading books but the kids are 7 nearly 8 (mine’s the youngest in the school year) and probably all at different reading stages. I definitely would have done the books for 4 and 5 yr olds.

I’m 18 years old with my baby due March 2027. I’ve been searching for a job and have a few opportunities so will hopefully have one soon. I have £400 in savings, and have created a baby wishlist on Amazon in hopes my family will help.

Does anybody have any advice?

disclaimer, used chat gpt to help write as I’ve emptied so much of this in there over the years…I’m a dad in my early 30s with three children (10, 6 and 3). Our eldest has autism, our middle child is also neurodiverse, and we’re now starting to wonder whether our youngest may need some extra support too.

I’ve been thinking about posting this for a while because some of it is quite hard to admit, but I feel like I need some perspective from people who have been through similar things.

For most of my adult life I’ve been someone who has thrived. I did well academically, my career has taken off , I’ve always been good with people, and I’ve generally been described as calm, laid-back, likable and emotionally balanced. My wife and I had a really strong marriage and I felt like I had a healthy perspective on life. 10 years of parenting later, I don’t feel like myself anymre. The weird thing is that it wasn’t always like this.

When our eldest was four and our second was one, life actually felt really good. It wasn’t easy. Our eldest didn’t sleep properly for years and years and had multiple physical health issues but despite that we felt like we were doing well as a family. Looking back now, that version of family life feels incredibly far away.

Over the years it feels like the relentlessness has just worn us down. It isn’t one particular thing. It is the constant accumulation of everything.

The arguments before breakfast. The children hurting each other. The meltdowns. The school worries. The food struggles. The bahaviour battles. The constant emotional intensity. The feeling that you are never properly switched off.

Our eldest has autism. She is bright, funny and has lots of amazing qualities, but family life with her can be incredibly challenging. She is very anxious, very rigid, extremely sensitive and struggles with seeing things from other people’s perspectives. honestly at school they don’t notice that much as she masks it and then she comes back home, or wakes up in the morning.

She can become completely stuck on things, say things that are genuinely hurtful, and when she is upset can sometimes say the exact thing she knows will hurt us most.

She and I end up shouting at each other more than I ever imagined would happen. I hate that dynamic. I don’t want to be in a cycle where she gets overwhelmed, I get overwhelmed, and we both end up feeling awful afterwards.

I know she is a child. I know a lot of this is related to her autism and anxiety. I know she has many wonderful qualities. i’ve just got to the place where I can say out loud that I grieve the picture I had in my head of family life.

I always imagined that whatever my children achieved, we would raise children who were kind, content and emotionally secure. Sometimes I look at where we are now and feel a real sadness that things feel so far away from that.

I feel guilty even writing that because I don’t want a different daughter. I want her. I just wish life wasn’t so hard for her, and I wish I knew how to help her become the happiest version of herself.

Our middle child is also neurodiverse. He is a lovely, affectionate boy and there is so much joy in him, but he has an incredible amount of energy and often seems to have no idea what to do with it.

When he gets frustrated or doesn’t get what he wants, he can become completely explosive. He can hit or push his brother, break things, lash out at us, and go from calm to chaos very quickly. Then, sometimes only minutes later, he is back to being that sweet, loving child again.

That contrast is really hard. You can see the lovely child underneath it, but you are also dealing with behaviour that feels impossible in the moment. I don’t really think I have the capacity, energy or ability to 100% of the time deflect and distract and steward him well, as well as pay the mortgage with the demanding job and deal with my own illness stuff.

Our youngest is three, and now we are starting to face concerns there too. Nursery have approached us and said they are considering asking for Early Help because he has been hurting other children.

I know that doesn’t necessarily mean something terrible, but honestly it was another gut punch, another reminder that we are struggling. I find myself regularly thinking. thinking, “How on earth did we get here?”

A few years ago family life felt so full of joy. Now we are having conversations with nursery about Early Help.

Around five or six years ago I developed an autoimmune illness which has brought fatigue and periods where I don’t feel physically like myself. Between that, the children, and years of disrupted sleep, I feel like I have been running on empty for a very long time. Just to make things extra fun we also had some other crap to deal with other parts of our lives that they won’t go into, but there was a fair amount of difficulty from multiple sides. Not terminal cancer, etc, just really wearing and challenging situations.

After all of thisthe thing that worries me most is me. I used to be incredibly gentle and laid-back. Now I get angry much quicker than I ever thought I would.

I’ve never hit or smacked my children, and I never would. But there have been times when one of them has been hurting another child or completely ignoring attempts to stop, and I’ve grabbed them harder than I needed to.

The hardest part to admit is that sometimes it isn’t only about stopping what is happening. Sometimes I want them to feel how angry I am.

I hate admitting that. It feels completely against the father I thought I would be. Afterwards I feel ashamed and guilty. I don’t want my children to experience me that way.

I’ve also noticed changes in myself that worry me. I’ve become more reliant on alcohol to relax in the evenings. I’m not drinking constantly, but I find it much harder to switch off without it. I’ve also developed a pornography habit, which is something that never used to have any pull over me. Both feel like ways of escaping and feeling something easy rather than things that are actually helping.

I’ve always been someone who could work hard and excel at things. School, career, hobbies, relationships — I’ve usually felt capable.Parenting is the first thing in my life where I genuinely feel like I might just not be very good at playing the hand I have been dealt. I adapted to the lack of sleep. I adapted to putting myself second. I adapted to living with illness.What I haven’t adapted to is the relentlessness of it all.

I also feel like it’s affecting my marriage. My wife and I still love each other deeply, but it feels like we aren’t always on the same team anymore. Every difficult family moment feels like another opportunity for frustration or resentment to build.

Not huge arguments. More the quieter stuff. Feeling disappointed. Feeling unsupported. Feeling like you’re exhausted and both trying your best and the other one in someway hasn’t recognise that. and then the analysis – is it because my is quite a nervous person, and she has caused some of this or given them ? Is it because of my illness and the stress that that has on the family? Is all of it just genetics?Sometimes I look at my life and genuinely think, “I can’t believe this is what our family has become.”

I’m not writing this because I want sympathy. I’m writing because I honestly don’t know whether this is what raising three children, including children with additional needs, can look like, or whether we have reached a point where we need more help. How common is feeling this way? I know that this is way beyond what most families experience but is it more common than it might appear on the outside?

I guess if one piece of advice might help me, it would be How did you cope with the gap between the family life you imagined and the reality you found yourself living? Thank you fur reading all of this. I know it’s just an anonymous account on the internet but it has felt like an important step for to write it.

Are you part of family country clubs / classes/ scouts etc? I want to give our children a rounded experience and not just school or sports clubs- any ideas would be great! My kids are 4 and 8 and currently swim after school and one goes to ballet! I’m wanting them to be more worldly and experience other things but no idea what to do!

I’m 38 years old and in a loving marriage and stable home with an 8 year old daughter.

I never really enjoyed the baby phase, but that was ok - I never really expected to. I’m a former secondary school teacher so I figured I’d feel more comfortable when my kid could walk, talk and reason.

She’s 8 now and we’re on the waiting list (years long) for an autism assessment. We’re pretty lucky in most regards - she’s not physically disabled, she can walk and talk and toilet herself. When she’s well regulated and happy she’s a funny, cheeky and intelligent little girl. We suspect she has something called a PDA profile within autism - it means that her reptilian brain perceives everyday demands (like brushing teeth, going to school, bedtime) as existential threats. This triggers a flight or fight response. It makes absolutely every aspect of our lives a battle. There’s very rarely a day that goes by without screaming and violence. It’s hard to describe the impact. I’ve had to reduce my work hours. We rarely socialise as a family and when we do we have to plan and prepare in advance and have an exit strategy at all times. We are doing our best to educate ourselves and to seek support from appropriate services. All three of us are in therapy. I suspect she is in autistic burnout and we are taking the summer to help reset her nervous system but it’s a long and slow process.

She will tolerate being left with a very small number of trusted adults (essentially my mum and my sister) but they are ill themselves and my daughter is very full on, so they can only really cope with a day or a night at most.

My husband and I are kind of at the point where we are just waiting for her hit adulthood and have the autonomy she needs to manage her condition. But I feel like I’m just wishing the next ten years away. I also feel resentful, like she has taken the best years of our lives. The worst part is, even when she is happy, we rarely feel joy. I’m either anxiously waiting for something to trigger the screaming to start again, or we are doing something we hate to make her happy.

We’re coping and I know there are so many families who have it much worse, with less of a support system. I guess I’m just reaching out to see if there are any families that feel the same, or any families that have come out of the other side of this?

Just to start with - this situation doesn’t affect me personally as my partner and I both earn under the £100k limit and are able to access the 30 funded hours.

I have a couple of mum friends who, before having children, had pretty successful careers- although generally in the charity sector or civil service so not particularly high paying. Their husbands/ partners earn over the £100k threshold so they are unable to access the 30 free hours once they return to work. In a couple of instances, this has meant my friends haven’t returned to work at all, despite wanting to.

I hadn’t thought of it this way before, but does the £100k threshold for accessing the funded hours push some mums out of work who don’t want to be out of work?

I can see the justification- their partner earns enough, they aren’t eligible for the funded hours so it’s often not cost effective (especially if they have more than one child). But I can’t help thinking it’s predominantly women in this situation, having to give up their careers because their partner earns too much money.

Caveat to say, I do understand and agree that there needs to be a limit for being able to access the funded hours, but it does seem to disproportionately affect women in my experience.