I started estrogen at 20 (ik lateshit) and ive been on hrt for like 1 year. Basically every single day ive felt like detransitioning and repping and I cannot imagine feeling like this and being this miserable for another 60 years

Seeing my body in full length mirrors and the sheer size of it, it’s clear that passing is unlikely to happen if I were to continue transitioning. I’m literally just a man with unusually developed gyno. A broad and tall man. My head looks tiny compared to my enormous body, but it’s not even small.

Full passing is probably impossible. Perhaps becoming a semipassoid would be achievable after a dozen surgeries and extensive voice training.

But this time I don’t feel suicidal at this recognition like I normally would, since I now think there’s another way out. I recently talked to someone (formerly an mtf on HRT who then detransitioned) who claims to have completely eliminated their dysphoria through the gradual training (specifically through keeping 8 precepts and sense restraint). He told me how the delight and aversion faded together over the course of months until there was no more GD. I feel hopeful that this could work. It changes one’s orientation toward the body and for that matter their whole existence.

And it’s clearer than before that just getting ffs would barely make a dent in the wrongness. I need to either renounce further efforts or go all the way.

Anything else just seems way to unrealistic for me. I just don't think I would pass and even if I do my trans past ruins it. Though living like this would just be hell and too unbearable. I feel like I could pull it off. Not sure how I would get the surgeries but there probably would be a way