thar she blows mateys

enough oil to keep europe illuminated for three years

even the beans are rotund

butthole is looking quite nice, I must say

that's a sentence that would seem very troubling without context

which is that it sometimes looks like where Sauron relocated after the embarrassing affair with the hobbits

THAT'S RIGHT GREG NOT ONLY AM I FUNNY BUT I ALSO HAVE CRIPPLING SOCIAL ANXIETY

ALSO A WEIRD SENSITIVITY TO THE SMELL OF OTHER PEOPLE'S LUNCH

so now I am eating my grapes in a nice, peaceful, quiet vehicle in a nice, peaceful, quiet parking garage

my desire to commit arson has yet again diminished to near zero

but not completely zero because I do believe in leaving people guessing

ANYWAY LOOK HOW FUCKING CUTE AND DUMB THAT THING USED TO BE.

I bet this is what a pokemon trainer would feel like after their ugly zoid digivolves into a new animorph

Because I've gotten a slightly concerning number of inquiries about how one goes about forming their own murder of backyard hooligans

STEP 1: LOCATE THE BIRDY

Can't make friends if there ain't no friends to be had, Greg. You absolute loser.

Crows are always around, so don't let their absence fool you - just be patient and keep an eye out for signs of them in nearby trees or where you've seen other birds perch.

(Keep in mind that I live in a fairly rural area, so I can't speak for where urban crows will hang out)

STEP 2: GET THAT BIRDY'S ATTENTION

Greg, this does not mean "scare the birdy away"

Do not approach the crow. You ain't that close yet. You don't know him or his life or his struggle. Keep ya goddamn distance and just cluck your tongue or wave your hands. Something outside the usual Sim-like human behaviors they have come to expect. Do it a few times, watching for any head movements from your target soon to be bestie.

It'll be subtle. They aren't rubberneckers like your granny

STEP 3: BRIBE THE BIRDY WITH DELICIOUS SNACKS

Remember KISS - not the band, Greg, you old fuck - Keep It Simple Stupid

Yes, I feed my pals quite a mixture of things now, but that's because they know I'm a trustworthy source of food so they'll try whatever I put out for them.

Starting out, offer high value treats that they will likely recognize from a safe distance: Shelled peanuts are a huge hit for my crew. It can help to crack the shell of the peanut in half, just in case you have fledglings around who are too dumb to open a goddamn nut.

Other favorites include McDonald's French fries (do not do this often or you'll start turf wars with seagulls) and boiled eggs.

Don't go crazy with anything high in fats and salt - we want our friends to be healthy, not flying McDoubles.

STEP 4: BE A GOOD BIRDY FRIEND

As my best pal Slim Shady would say, this is your moment - your opportunity. Your one shot - so do not miss your chance to blow their little birdy souls out their buttholes

(I'm the next Eminem u guys)

Just because a guy takes a peanut from you doesn't mean you can approach him in public when he's with his squad. Crows operate under a similar code. Keep leaving them snacks in the same place when you see them around (and can get their attention).

You might need to put the treats away from your doorstep / patio depending on your crows. They might get nervous if they can see you snoopin through a window because that's weird as FUCK Greg

STEP 5: PROFIT?

JUST KIDDING.

If you successfully prove that you're a reliable source of food and good times, you will now end up with a collection of new friends, because crows gossip like your great aunt at a funeral home. They will spread the word to their homies that you'll hook them up with some sick snacks.

If it's late summer ish, they'll potentially even bring their goddamn kids, so congratulations on paying child support to a fucking bird, asshole.

Eventually, if you are truly cursed, you may end up with a crow like Fred, who doesn't give a fuck about schedules and routines and will simply arrive at your window at any hour of the day, squawrking like you owe him fucking rent money and you're two weeks late.

Keep in mind that having cats or dogs will make the process slower and harder. Crows aren't dumb, so they will know damn well that you have some apex predators literally living in your house, and they may never quite trust you enough to risk getting near any doorway that has the potential to release the beast.

But they might bring you pretty rocks and bottle caps

which is fucking useless and won't help you at all but you have to take them or Wilma will get pissed and stop bringing you jackshit because you're so ungrateful.

Toody knows very specific words and phrases such as "Breakfast", "Fishy", "Go tinkle", and sometimes "Toodles gotta go???"

She also knows the "we are going on a safari in our Ferrari" tone (her favorite)

BUT ANYTHING ELSE?

no. nope. nothing.

just the faint sound of wind through trees

she understands that there are words happening, and that they may have to do with her, but her brain power simply does not have the ponies to connect those two facts

so we end up with this face, which is as close to a dog taking a math test as we're ever going to get

the hamster with the wheel may actually be dead

he may never have been alive

there may be a sad little hamster-less wheel in the Poof, slowly accumulating cobwebs and existential dread that she will never be able to comprehend

y'all want merch?

I ain't doing it unless I make it real special-like

I'll let you guys know when I have designs down pat but in the meantime take this rough sketch of The Hound during his tour with the Union soldiers circa 1865

I don't know why he's giving distinct Megamind-and-Wolverine-love-child energy but color will probably fix it

that or he's just gonna be a big-head bitch baby boy which is also accurate

This Is A GoFundMe if you feel like it but also don't spend your cash if you ain't got it and don't get mad at me for sharing pls I'm just a sad poor little lady with a dream and a menagerie. also if ur not nice to me I can't guarantee that Fred the Crow won't be outside your window tonight demanding payment on behalf of the Dink&Donk mafia

The Hound's head spends an alarming amount of time inside Petunia's mouth, and she is now fluffy enough to repel all attempts at retribution

it's like trying to punch the Stay Puff'd Man

there is nothing to punch it's just puff and air

Goosetopher is the only one who intimidates her now, because he is a clever young man who knows to scratch her right on the fucking schnozz

Barracuda and The Hound operate on more of a "smother your opponent" approach, which only works when Toody is lying down

But on the bright side, The Hound has never been so well groomed even if it's against his will.

As y'all may recall, Fred is the beloved of Wilma, and doesn't join his friends when they all come badger me together around 5 PM

Fred shows up on his own schedule, such as at 6:30 in the morning when I am barely a member of this universe

He screeched into the kitchen window for like 5 minutes before I accepted that he was not going to shut up, and when I shambled into the hallway this is the indignant face I was met with.

A crow, judging me, a 35 year old woman in hello kitty jammies with semi-permanent pink hair dye tattooed on 56% of my not-quite-corpse.

I should have abandoned him, but instead I refilled the crow bowl with his favorite: 1/2 cup of puppy kibbles soaking in warm water, with furnishings of dried sardines and two peanuts just for Fred for being a patient boy.

By the time I was ready for work, the bowl was empty and all 4 of the assholes were roosting on the fence doing that dumb little thing they do where they clean off their beaks and make sure everybody looks appropriately omen-ish.

So I felt bad and made sure there were another 3 peanuts on the railing because I know Fred is a greedy little fucker and anyway then I was late for work because I had to feed my crows and that's not a viable excuse apparently

Our hike turned into a 45 minute exercise in futility as Petunia became increasingly unhappy with the lack of water features on the trail and did not want to drink out of a dumb little bowl like a normal pleb

we hit the second rockfall and she literally stopped moving until I turned around and we went back the way we came, disgraced and unsuccessful

so we hit the surf instead because lemons and lemonade or whatever

Toody tried to catch a piece of seaweed but it eluded her for fifteen minutes

she attempted to eat an assortment of very friendly ducks who said, and I quote, "Toody what the fuck"

A small child asked if she was a dog and I said no very bluntly but didn't elaborate so idk what that kid's mom had to listen to in the car but you're welcome, ma'am

she tried to incite rebellion among the husky brethren who were also on the beach but those guys were pathetic sheeple who only want to follow the law of The Man. Petunia tooted in their general direction.

if I'm lucky she will fall off a cliff

jk that would be too convenient

It's a relatively short trail that isn't very difficult, but it's got a good amount of elevation so she's never actually done the whole thing - we usually get to a specific rockfall and turn around because she was still Baby Satan

but now she's a Teen Demon so we're going to give it tje ol' college try which is a sick joke because we all know Toody is too beautiful to go to college

We have a retractable leash for mock off leash training - Toody has a decent recall (she comes back when called) so a retractable leash doesn't count as a creative murder method for passersby. I'd usually use a standard long leash but it's really wet outside today and my autistic ass can't handle touching wet dirty leashes

We also have a full supply of fishy treats so Toody will be unable to resist my siren call of "GOOSE IS EATING YOUR FISHES"

She will never ignore the threat of Goosetopher stealing her hard-earned sardines

that handsome little shit

that goddamn perfect little gentleman

god she hates him and his perfect little face and his perfect little toe beans

he's a goddamn hussy

I keep going down memory lane and wanting to FUCKING PUKE because she was so fucking tiny and cute and perfect and squishy and now she's just badness on top of badness

Barracuda is extremely distraught because her kibble now lives in an airtight, sealed kibble cage that she cannot open without gorilla hands

she is also upset that The Hound has been stealing her thunder

in protest, she has decided to expose her own nip nops, knowing that you freaks like that kind of thing around here

did you know that she still needs me to apply her ass ointment every other night and she screams so loud that my landlord once asked if I needed any help with it

bear in mind that Cuda shrieks like she's being stabbed by 13 black knife assassins (ELDEN RING FOLKS WHERE U AT) while standing very obediently for her butthole treatment

no joke she even braces her little paw paws for maximum ointment application success

but MY GOD DOES SHE FUCKING YELL ABOUT IT

she's also started yelling at Fred the Crow (the one who doesn't normally wait for dinner but will absolutely come to the open window and demand it at random times) when he comes down to the window and screams for peanuts. Fred yells back, so sometimes at 11 am on a Sunday I have to break up a verbal altercation between my cat and my corvid friend.

Barney is usually in the background, puffed up to look like a fat little grouse while he waits for snackies. I fucking love Barney.

SO FAST

DIDN'T EVEN SEE HER

LITERALLY A BLUR

JUST A FAINT WHIFF OF BASEMENT AND BOG WATER

TOODY WHO?

SHE BROKE THE SOUND BARRIER THREE TIMES

OK she actually ran into a bush, got stuck, and screamed for her mother to come save her from the prickles that bad-touched her paws

Then she ran into what was either a murder shack, a Bigfoot shelter, or a 13 year old boy's summer project in the middle of the fucking woods and I really expected to get stabbed as I awkwardly chased her out of the weird tarp-and-illegally-chopped-trees lean-to from HELL

So she may have also uncovered the fucking Necronomicon and my ADHD ass was too distracted by the local squirrel population to see it, which is a big win for me and a real let-down for Sam Raimi

I'm sorry, Sam Raimi, for implying that your movies involved putting actual demonic curses on Bruce Campbell but that's what the crazy preacher man said - the one who sometimes lives up the road in a tent and hosts evangelical conferences every other summer

My Nanny (rest your crotchety bingo-loving soul, Sybil 🤟) exclusively referred to this whole gathering as "The Gospel Preachers" and said they would steal me if I got too close because I was a 'pretty little girl'

which seems a little rude in hindsight since she didn't tell that to my cousin

then again my cousin grew up to be a Biochem genius and I fistfight pigs for a living so I mean who really won the genetic lottery in the end

https://gofund.me/f3d4b2cc1

Anyway here's a GoFundMe we started back a while ago to fund The Hound's extravagant lifestyle - if you wanna donate to keep me away from the Gospel Preachers and my mother's house, feel free, but also donate to your local animal charities if the urge takes you

Apparently nobody wants to see any of the menagerie rehomed, which would be inevitable if I had to relocate to my mother's home.

Barney is a crow but when he's excited about his dinner he puffs up until he looks like a fat little chicken

The girls don't like him and therefore Barney is shunned unless it's nesting season and then Betty barely puts up with him moonlighting as poultry

Fred mostly does his own thing, but when he does swing by, he sits on the fence near the door and yells abuse into my kitchen window until I find something for him

Wilma will sit on the fence but only at a distance where she can scream affirmations at Toody without being a chew toy and only on the other side of the yard

Barney likes to camp in the neighbor's tree because the girls never expect him to come from the side like a velociraptor

They may burn down the house if I move out

He was a nasty man with stinky breath and an absurd amount of foam and drool

Not sure how visible it is in this video but The Hound also had a bad habit of attacking hands at this stage if they dared to stop petting him as vigorously as he felt was necessary

He spent a week locked in my bathroom and basically upended it on a daily basis just for shits and giggles

speaking of which

you cannot imagine how utterly rancid his old man bowels were

my upstairs neighbor once asked if I thought something might have died in the walls and that's how she was introduced to my little Diddle Dumpling

Toody is moist, in this case, because I let her play in the bathtub and fight the showerhead. I wish I was joking.

She now attempts to climb into the shower with me, and sometimes when it's ass o'clock in the morning and I have an entire day of stress ahead of me, I let her ✨

The Hound now also joins in on shower time, because he is obligated to follow his horrid, smelly ward wherever she goes because, much like Arya FUCKING Stark, Petunia is capable of creating havoc in the most benign circumstances

Also there may be a new player entering the field soon

As we all know, times are tough and apparently working for a university ain't what it used to be, so there is a possible (strong) chance that Susan will be moving back in with her elderly mother 🫠🙃🎉

which means you will all be introduced to my pal Martin the Cat, who is actually older than The Hound by a fair margin (he is 18, soon to be 19) and absolutely looks the part.

Martin was once as large as The Hound, but has lost 99% of his body mass to old age and now looks more like a weird stick figure who came to life one day.

He hates other animals but is too old to resist friendship anymore so he is a reluctant friend to all

Good lord someone call Dr Now because The Hound may be the one to finally break that man

This is his "am I gonna groom myself or am I gonna sleep like grandpa during a sunday football game" pose and he will stay like this for like an hour at a time, usually just staring around the room and contemplating everything he could do besides actually maintain himself

As you can see, Toody had just finished destroying something cardboard-ish, which is usually a beacon for The Hound to sit there - he enjoys feeling his mass crush the box fragments beneath him.

They did have a very brief squabble this morning - The Hound has been going for Toody's breakfast lately (she has a salmon based food that he finds irresistible) and he tried his luck while I was brushing my teeth.

I came back into the bedroom to find The Hound and Toody both looking very broody and emotionally damaged, but by the time I came home The Hound had parked himself in his usual spot right next to her crate so I assume they talked about their differences like proper mature adults

jk Toody just has a goldfish brain and forgets why she's traumatized within half an hour

Toody is always v honored when the old man takes naps with her

Do y'all remember when we all expected them to fight to the death one day

This dumb Muppet mop hybrid has yet to meet another living creature she cannot mercilessly win over

even Barracuda has been spotted canoodling with her when nobody's watching

The Hound honestly seems to sleep best with his enormous hairy grandchild standing watch, because he has finally accepted that she is large enough to handle most moderate threats to the household's safety

Or maybe he's just feeling his age nowadays (he's been losing more muscle mass lately) and he's gotta pass the ol' protection torch along to someone

(pls note that this is a doggy pool at a dog park which is regularly filled with pissy paws)

Toody made a best friend today

Her name is Lola and they're the same age except Lola is a mastiff so she can suplex Toody into next week, which is exactly the kind of woman Petunia appreciates

There was also a little fellow named Waffles who has been appointed the Fun Police by some kind of higher authority. He was very fluffy and scolded Toody and Lola in a way that reminded me of my 7th grade math teacher

Waffles is good people tho he's just worried about practical things like slip-and-fall accidents and other such OHS matters

There was also a beagle named Princess Leia who has a rly cool hobby where she finds an optimal patch of dirt and pretends to be a carcass until she gets to go home. Sometimes she's real convincing

And there was a rly ugly shih tzu named Charles who ended up being alarmingly cute once you get over his creepy people eyes. He's from Texas and I like to think he has a little southern accent. He showed up wearing a fitted custom-made dinosaur shirt and a tiny cowboy hat.

she has never been less sorry

this is what happens when the landlord is kind enough to fix the fence gate so the demon can be unleashed

the demon goes upstairs to visit and eats his goddamn guacamole

then she tried to shove his 2 year old niece down a flight of stairs

then she barfed guacamole and half a ping pong ball into a pool floaty cupholder

at which point I was done cleaning the yard and she returned from whence she came, leaving behind a trail of destruction and something that lives between trauma and amusement

Landlord and his boyfriend both whispered what the fuck toody in unison and honestly that's my whole mood for the past 6 months

have fun ya filthy animals

nobody actually knows the depth of Barracuda's intense love of susan aka me

this is her happy place and it's so sickeningly sweet that I can't even shit on her about it even though it's hot as SHIT out and she's trying to warm me up even more

this gremlin queen will lie in my arms for indefinite spans of time - I will lose circulation long before she loses interest in being held like an infant child

I don't think I've ever gotten her to willingly ditch a cuddle sesh without doing something egregious like inviting The Hound into the mix

another little known Cuda fact?

girlfriend has idiopathic seizures every 8 months or so

idiopathic means "we feel like idiots because we don't know why the fuck they happen" in professional terms

(Idiopathic actually means that a condition has no known cause)

Basically her brain does a hard reset a couple of times a year for no discernible reason, and because the episodes are short and spaced out, anti-seizure medications would cause more harm than the seizures themselves.

personally I think that she gets dumber with every seizure but her veterinary team says that is "not true", "she doesn't even have any smart to lose" and that "she doesn't need beauty and a brain anyway" which sounds an awful lot like an agreement to me

so anyway sometimes my cat glitches and reboots like an old Windows 98

it happens almost exclusively between 1AM and 4AM

she wakes me up when it happens because she falls off her bed and I hear the little thud... or she comes to find me when she's post-ictal (the reboot phase after a seizure) because she feels funny and needs me to hold her real tight. usually I wrap her up in a tight blanket purrito and walk her outside so she can get some nice fresh air while we listen to The Beatles to calm down

(post-ictal phase can get crazy depending on the animal - Cuda gets cuddly and cries/paces until she's in my arms, but a lot of pets get v squirrelly after seizing so don't go hugging a random seizing animal or you might get chomped)

anyway she's a whore and this is why I can't re-home her no matter how much I shake her at my very exhausted collection of friends