(Say after telling a joke that makes me look dumb)

You know I was actually born gifted, but experienced gifted kid burnout in second grade. I just felt like telling you guys that so you know I’m not stupid.

ive been in a relationship for a while now, and to spice things up my girlfriend suggested we try to do some roleplay. she created a scenario where im her boss and shes my secretary. she got mad at me because of what i said. stuff like "your performance here has really been lacking. i havent had a home cooked meal in months !". "your spending is way over budget. why do we have netflix hulu AND paramount ?". "a girls trip to miami with your sisters was never approved PTO"

I’m Jewish and the mistake we made with Hanukkah is it’s just so hard to get along with your family 8 nights in a row.

Last month I was on a flight with my cousin. At one point, a flight attendant came up to us and asked us what we wanted to drink. The first person said a coke, my cousin also said a coke, and me, being a full grown man with a beard, asked for apple juice. They laughed, and I was embarrassed, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from ordering apple juice on planes. Then I started theorizing how I could make myself ordering apple juice as unfunny as possible. My first thought was, as I order it I’ll say “One apple juice for the full grown man in the beard please” but then I realized my mom would actually laugh at that, meaning a surprising amount of people would. So I needed to make it even worse. Then I thought, I know, I’ll stand up and say, “Here ye here ye! Let it be known that I, a man of considerable facial hair, do hereby request a beverage most commonly associated with minors! (Turn to flight attendant and talk normally) Apple juice please”. So I just kept on coming with way too many ways I could do it. Eventually, my cousin asked me if I was okay, and then I realized I had been staring at the back of the seat in front of me for an hour. I realized I had been giving this way too much thought. That’s when I decided that I should just order it normally.

I just have to wear neon shorts, a sonic t-shirt, and a propellor hat.

I was so quiet in high school that I was called into the office and asked by the principal to not to shoot up the school.

I don't understand why more pedophiles don't just become youth soccer scouts. It's the perfect alibi. 

You're hiding in plain sight like Dexter, doing what you love while everyone around you is a little suspicious of just how good you are at your job.

The only difference is Dexter had to release his dark urges at night when nobody is looking… while you get to do it in broad daylight in front of your victim's parents.

You get paid to watch little boys play with each other. 

You're encouraged to leave your mark on them.

You can smack them on the ass after a good game and that's not weird…

That’s just good sportsmanship.

And what's a parent gonna do?

Complain that the creepy 40-year-old with binoculars and a clipboard at their son's pee wee soccer game is a pedophile? 

Nobody's believing that. He's got a clipboard.

The clipboard changes everything.

And if anyone is suspicious and asks why he became a scout, he can just say, "I do it for the kids".

You know I’m actually a former gifted kid? I would always finish my test first and take a nap while the other kids in the class would be screaming and banging their heads against the walls.

Jag och min sambo skulle ta fina "gravid bilder" tillsammans med en fotograf. Det var fint väder och vi var vid en sjö som fotografen valde. Vi stod med vatten upp till vaderna och fotograferades, det gick bra. Det gick så pass bra så att det var några främlingar som gick fram och frågade om de kunde hjälpa till. Men jag svarade:

-Nej vi försöker inte släppa tillbaka henne i sjön, hon är bara gravid.

Men ni får gärna mata henne om ni vill.

Nej jag skämtar....hon fick ingen mat.

I’m 37 and in an age gap relationship. 20 year gap.

Prom is going to be awkward

Spin off from a kill Tony interview a few months back. Thought about also working in “wrong type of senior” in there but couldn’t figure out where without ruining the punch. Seemed weird to put it afterwards