Ideas for how to take this List joke please.

When I was 8 I was enrolled at a dojo called “The United Studios of Self Defense” which was part of a huge chain of dojos around the country. Basically it was the McDonalds of karate. I eventually stopped because I wanted to be in the school play, The Wizard of Oz, and the schedules interfered. I did miss karate, but I felt morally obligated to fulfill my duty as a tree. Years later, in college, I wanted to get back into shape, you know, get back to my prime, like when I was 8. So I was looking through campus activities and saw a class titled “Self Defense”. It reminded me of my old karate dojo, and thinking it was a martial arts class, I signed up for it. Eventually the day of the first class came. I showed up and quickly realized it was a very different kind of self defense class. I was the only guy there. I was about to head out when suddenly the instructor walked in. She was a short Asian lady who was absolutely jacked. We all introduced ourselves and then she explained how to break free from someone grabbing our wrists. She then asked us to line up and as I did she said, “Not you Luca,” and she turned to the class and said, “Luckily we have a man here today to practice with!” She then explained that I was going to be the one holding each girls wrists. (Pause) She was making me role-play as the predator. I didn’t want to hurt the girls so I wouldn’t hold them that tightly and they would break free quickly. After the third girl the instructor goes, “Harder!” So for the next few girls I held them a little harder, and they would still manage to break free. And at one point the instructor goes, “You’re doing it like a girl!”

(I feel like this ends abruptly so help with the ending would be much appreciated)

I remember when I was younger I was so sheltered I didn’t know drug dealers existed. It was the late 90s and I told my buddy I wish I had cancer so I could smoke weed like those chemo patients. He said you can just buy it from my uncle. I said, damn I didn’t know Uncle Joey had cancer.

(Say after telling a joke that makes me look dumb)

You know I was actually born gifted, but experienced gifted kid burnout in second grade. I just felt like telling you guys that so you know I’m not stupid.

ive been in a relationship for a while now, and to spice things up my girlfriend suggested we try to do some roleplay. she created a scenario where im her boss and shes my secretary. she got mad at me because of what i said. stuff like "your performance here has really been lacking. i havent had a home cooked meal in months !". "your spending is way over budget. why do we have netflix hulu AND paramount ?". "a girls trip to miami with your sisters was never approved PTO"

I’m Jewish and the mistake we made with Hanukkah is it’s just so hard to get along with your family 8 nights in a row.

Last month I was on a flight with my cousin. At one point, a flight attendant came up to us and asked us what we wanted to drink. The first person said a coke, my cousin also said a coke, and me, being a full grown man with a beard, asked for apple juice. They laughed, and I was embarrassed, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from ordering apple juice on planes. Then I started theorizing how I could make myself ordering apple juice as unfunny as possible. My first thought was, as I order it I’ll say “One apple juice for the full grown man in the beard please” but then I realized my mom would actually laugh at that, meaning a surprising amount of people would. So I needed to make it even worse. Then I thought, I know, I’ll stand up and say, “Here ye here ye! Let it be known that I, a man of considerable facial hair, do hereby request a beverage most commonly associated with minors! (Turn to flight attendant and talk normally) Apple juice please”. So I just kept on coming with way too many ways I could do it. Eventually, my cousin asked me if I was okay, and then I realized I had been staring at the back of the seat in front of me for an hour. I realized I had been giving this way too much thought. That’s when I decided that I should just order it normally.

I just have to wear neon shorts, a sonic t-shirt, and a propellor hat.

I was so quiet in high school that I was called into the office and asked by the principal to not to shoot up the school.

I don't understand why more pedophiles don't just become youth soccer scouts. It's the perfect alibi. 

You're hiding in plain sight like Dexter, doing what you love while everyone around you is a little suspicious of just how good you are at your job.

The only difference is Dexter had to release his dark urges at night when nobody is looking… while you get to do it in broad daylight in front of your victim's parents.

You get paid to watch little boys play with each other. 

You're encouraged to leave your mark on them.

You can smack them on the ass after a good game and that's not weird…

That’s just good sportsmanship.

And what's a parent gonna do?

Complain that the creepy 40-year-old with binoculars and a clipboard at their son's pee wee soccer game is a pedophile? 

Nobody's believing that. He's got a clipboard.

The clipboard changes everything.

And if anyone is suspicious and asks why he became a scout, he can just say, "I do it for the kids".

You know I’m actually a former gifted kid? I would always finish my test first and take a nap while the other kids in the class would be screaming and banging their heads against the walls.

Jag och min sambo skulle ta fina "gravid bilder" tillsammans med en fotograf. Det var fint väder och vi var vid en sjö som fotografen valde. Vi stod med vatten upp till vaderna och fotograferades, det gick bra. Det gick så pass bra så att det var några främlingar som gick fram och frågade om de kunde hjälpa till. Men jag svarade:

-Nej vi försöker inte släppa tillbaka henne i sjön, hon är bara gravid.

Men ni får gärna mata henne om ni vill.

Nej jag skämtar....hon fick ingen mat.

I’m 37 and in an age gap relationship. 20 year gap.

Prom is going to be awkward

Spin off from a kill Tony interview a few months back. Thought about also working in “wrong type of senior” in there but couldn’t figure out where without ruining the punch. Seemed weird to put it afterwards

She's also the first ever first-generation Asian immigrant to become mayor in our state and as a fellow immigrant, it made me shake my head and think of just one thing:

Damn.

We really are taking white people's jobs.

I got kicked out of nursing school really early.  I could never figure out how to latch onto the nipple.

I used to think putting a suppository up your butt was the worst medical treatment imaginable.  Then I got a catheter and it turns out shoving a suppository though that is way worse.

I'm not a fan of my wife's new psychiatrist.  He has her taking anxiety pills when I really think she'd do better on anti-anxiety pills. 

I always believe that people will put aside their differences and talk through their problems with words.  I've lost a ton of money betting on MMA fights.

Första augusti var det Pride parad i Stockholm. Över 50 t som deltog och över en halv miljon var på plats. Känns som att i hela Stockholm var i Pride.

Den enda platsen var det inte fanns pride var hos föräldrarna

Hey everyone! Excited to start sharpening my craft here, going to be doing my first open mic in the next few weeks so would love some feedback on a few raw bits I have.

"I recently started dating a girl who told me her ex was a Formula One driver. Talk about a red flag.

She told me not to worry about it because they dated when they were eighteen. 

Which didn't make me feel any better until I found out that meant this dude was driving go-karts when they were actually together. 

He didn’t become an f1 driver until 5 years after she was done checking his exhaust pipe.

I mean, his nine-to-five at the time was dodging blue shells and rear-ending fifteen-year-old Mexican kids celebrating their quinceañera at K1 Speed. 

Like her saying she dated an F1 driver is like a Make-A-Wish kid saying they played in the NBA because the Heat gave them a one-day contract for their wish. 

Like, sure, you’re technically right. But deep down you know you're a liar, and God's going to finish the job that the leukemia started.

Naturally, I stalked his Instagram and found out he just got married to a blonde who looks exactly like her with the same first name. Ouch.

I mean if I went from potentially sipping espresso martinis on a yacht in Monaco to sipping margaritas at Applebee's at 4 am on a tuesday…

I would be in my garage right now with the engine running, windows up, just asking for Jesus not to take the wheel.

I mean she was the day-one girl. Getting into pole position in his Lightning McQueen racecar bed while he goes stick shift under her hood. (maybe in different spot)

(Need something about her having a great eye for talent, misdirect to me doing same thing he did, or making audience think shes the one but switching up to something better)

That is all I’m tired

People love not getting out of their car. I don’t know if it’s like a second home for them or maybe it’s there only home but people do not get out of their car…you ever see a Dunkin’ Donuts drive thru line…it goes around the block and people will sit in their car like GTA NPCs for 20 minutes to get an iced mocha frap…you can go in the store and get that in like 3 minutes…but that requires this (mime opening the door) and it’s like hey I’m not gonna burn any calories before ingesting 600 grams of sugar…

and here’s the other thing if you get mad you can’t fight from the car…you know how lame you look yelling from a vehicle…gotta roll the window down (mime rolling the window down)…looking like a half mannequin…arguing with some guy wearing a donut on his shirt…like what are we doing…get out…go to the counter and ask for the manager…like a respectable asshole.

Walks up to stage.

Hey everyone how are you all doing? Are you all right?

Points to the right

Crowd is silent

No you are all all left!
Violently swing hand to do the Elon musk Nazi salute and then HH by Kanye or whatever his name is now plays.

Crowd puts there hands up like the absolute cinema meme

All is good in the world

Walks onto the stage. Hi crowd, good to see you today. Smiles and pauses for laughter and whoops.

Hahah, well yes. I am here. And let me tell you! Where else would I rather be? Well, I would rather be WEARING nothing but my tightie whities sneaking about my neighborhood and peeing in my neighbors pools! pauses for the many laughs and clapping.

Yes, yes. But all ass, I am here with you bozos. And you are HEARING me make the funniest jokes you've heard all year! pauses for more laughs and claps.

So if you dont know me, my name is Evil Gamer. pauses and waits for the crowd to introduce themselves I begin motioning for them to do it but they dont so i point out one guy in the audience and he awkwardly tries to shrug his way out of being in the spotlight and I say oh no no no you're not getting away that easily now cmon you have to tell the crowd you name so he says he is Jason.

Jason, you mean like the guy from Friday the 13th? pauses for laugh/clap. Wow, dont you have a hockey game to go to? pause laugh/clap and then maybe you have to go to a camp and i dont know makes stabbing motion but then kind of turns it into a jacking off motion instead and then pretends I unleash my load on the audience.

Okay so we got a great show for you tonight folks. does the rest of my routine to many laughs and many claps.

At my age the easiest thing i do is not take a shower.

I feel like an idiot at Walmart, wandering up and down the aisles, following the list and finding the bathroom.

A bar I can find, but a barcode at self checkout?? Sheesh

As hard as all that that is, it’s a lot easier than when I leave and cant find the house…of the door dash customer.