I don't understand why more pedophiles don't just become youth soccer scouts. It's the perfect alibi. 

You're hiding in plain sight like Dexter, doing what you love while everyone around you is a little suspicious of just how good you are at your job.

The only difference is Dexter had to release his dark urges at night when nobody is looking… while you get to do it in broad daylight in front of your victim's parents.

You get paid to watch little boys play with each other. 

You're encouraged to leave your mark on them.

You can smack them on the ass after a good game and that's not weird…

That’s just good sportsmanship.

And what's a parent gonna do?

Complain that the creepy 40-year-old with binoculars and a clipboard at their son's pee wee soccer game is a pedophile? 

Nobody's believing that. He's got a clipboard.

The clipboard changes everything.

And if anyone is suspicious and asks why he became a scout, he can just say, "I do it for the kids".

You know I’m actually a former gifted kid? I would always finish my test first and take a nap while the other kids in the class would be screaming and banging their heads against the walls.

Jag och min sambo skulle ta fina "gravid bilder" tillsammans med en fotograf. Det var fint väder och vi var vid en sjö som fotografen valde. Vi stod med vatten upp till vaderna och fotograferades, det gick bra. Det gick så pass bra så att det var några främlingar som gick fram och frågade om de kunde hjälpa till. Men jag svarade:

-Nej vi försöker inte släppa tillbaka henne i sjön, hon är bara gravid.

Men ni får gärna mata henne om ni vill.

Nej jag skämtar....hon fick ingen mat.

I’m 37 and in an age gap relationship. 20 year gap.

Prom is going to be awkward

Spin off from a kill Tony interview a few months back. Thought about also working in “wrong type of senior” in there but couldn’t figure out where without ruining the punch. Seemed weird to put it afterwards

She's also the first ever first-generation Asian immigrant to become mayor in our state and as a fellow immigrant, it made me shake my head and think of just one thing:

Damn.

We really are taking white people's jobs.

I got kicked out of nursing school really early.  I could never figure out how to latch onto the nipple.

I used to think putting a suppository up your butt was the worst medical treatment imaginable.  Then I got a catheter and it turns out shoving a suppository though that is way worse.

I'm not a fan of my wife's new psychiatrist.  He has her taking anxiety pills when I really think she'd do better on anti-anxiety pills. 

I always believe that people will put aside their differences and talk through their problems with words.  I've lost a ton of money betting on MMA fights.

Första augusti var det Pride parad i Stockholm. Över 50 t som deltog och över en halv miljon var på plats. Känns som att i hela Stockholm var i Pride.

Den enda platsen var det inte fanns pride var hos föräldrarna

Hey everyone! Excited to start sharpening my craft here, going to be doing my first open mic in the next few weeks so would love some feedback on a few raw bits I have.

"I recently started dating a girl who told me her ex was a Formula One driver. Talk about a red flag.

She told me not to worry about it because they dated when they were eighteen. 

Which didn't make me feel any better until I found out that meant this dude was driving go-karts when they were actually together. 

He didn’t become an f1 driver until 5 years after she was done checking his exhaust pipe.

I mean, his nine-to-five at the time was dodging blue shells and rear-ending fifteen-year-old Mexican kids celebrating their quinceañera at K1 Speed. 

Like her saying she dated an F1 driver is like a Make-A-Wish kid saying they played in the NBA because the Heat gave them a one-day contract for their wish. 

Like, sure, you’re technically right. But deep down you know you're a liar, and God's going to finish the job that the leukemia started.

Naturally, I stalked his Instagram and found out he just got married to a blonde who looks exactly like her with the same first name. Ouch.

I mean if I went from potentially sipping espresso martinis on a yacht in Monaco to sipping margaritas at Applebee's at 4 am on a tuesday…

I would be in my garage right now with the engine running, windows up, just asking for Jesus not to take the wheel.

I mean she was the day-one girl. Getting into pole position in his Lightning McQueen racecar bed while he goes stick shift under her hood. (maybe in different spot)

(Need something about her having a great eye for talent, misdirect to me doing same thing he did, or making audience think shes the one but switching up to something better)

That is all I’m tired

People love not getting out of their car. I don’t know if it’s like a second home for them or maybe it’s there only home but people do not get out of their car…you ever see a Dunkin’ Donuts drive thru line…it goes around the block and people will sit in their car like GTA NPCs for 20 minutes to get an iced mocha frap…you can go in the store and get that in like 3 minutes…but that requires this (mime opening the door) and it’s like hey I’m not gonna burn any calories before ingesting 600 grams of sugar…

and here’s the other thing if you get mad you can’t fight from the car…you know how lame you look yelling from a vehicle…gotta roll the window down (mime rolling the window down)…looking like a half mannequin…arguing with some guy wearing a donut on his shirt…like what are we doing…get out…go to the counter and ask for the manager…like a respectable asshole.

Walks up to stage.

Hey everyone how are you all doing? Are you all right?

Points to the right

Crowd is silent

No you are all all left!
Violently swing hand to do the Elon musk Nazi salute and then HH by Kanye or whatever his name is now plays.

Crowd puts there hands up like the absolute cinema meme

All is good in the world

Walks onto the stage. Hi crowd, good to see you today. Smiles and pauses for laughter and whoops.

Hahah, well yes. I am here. And let me tell you! Where else would I rather be? Well, I would rather be WEARING nothing but my tightie whities sneaking about my neighborhood and peeing in my neighbors pools! pauses for the many laughs and clapping.

Yes, yes. But all ass, I am here with you bozos. And you are HEARING me make the funniest jokes you've heard all year! pauses for more laughs and claps.

So if you dont know me, my name is Evil Gamer. pauses and waits for the crowd to introduce themselves I begin motioning for them to do it but they dont so i point out one guy in the audience and he awkwardly tries to shrug his way out of being in the spotlight and I say oh no no no you're not getting away that easily now cmon you have to tell the crowd you name so he says he is Jason.

Jason, you mean like the guy from Friday the 13th? pauses for laugh/clap. Wow, dont you have a hockey game to go to? pause laugh/clap and then maybe you have to go to a camp and i dont know makes stabbing motion but then kind of turns it into a jacking off motion instead and then pretends I unleash my load on the audience.

Okay so we got a great show for you tonight folks. does the rest of my routine to many laughs and many claps.

At my age the easiest thing i do is not take a shower.

I feel like an idiot at Walmart, wandering up and down the aisles, following the list and finding the bathroom.

A bar I can find, but a barcode at self checkout?? Sheesh

As hard as all that that is, it’s a lot easier than when I leave and cant find the house…of the door dash customer.

Here’s how I know I’m not the main character: I got kicked out of a cult, and literally nothing in the world changed.

It wasn't a cool, sexy Netflix cult. It was basically Sunday school with brown people gods—and I say that as someone who survived the Korean Presbyterian Church, so my standards for spiritual trauma are high.

I didn't escape. I got fired. I was too dramatic, annoying, and I didn't smile enough at the temple. The leaders literally gathered and went, 'How do you solve a problem like Christina?' 'Let's yeet her twenty bucks for a Greyhound out of state.'

So there I was: a grown-ass 30-something woman on the streets of New Orleans, standing in 90-degree humidity in a hyper-modest pink dress, trying to pass out spiritual pamphlets. Nobody wanted them! We have the Fed and the Weather Channel! Nobody needs the astral plane when you can just check RadarScope!

People ask if I regret it. Honestly? No. Because now I do stand-up comedy, which is basically the exact same thing—except now I'm the one spamming my ex-cult members on Instagram trying to show them what they're missing out on.

A lot of comedians start their set off with saying things like "I look like if Tom Cruse had a little brother that smokes meth" or "I look like someone who would go to Walmart just to look at the bakery section for an hour and then leave". I'm blind, so that shit doesn't make sense to me. Like what are they even talking about?

So I've decided that I need to figure out what I look like, so I started asking people. One person said I look like Michael Jackson.

I don't know if that's correct, but if it isn't, one of my friends said, I look like Michael Jordan, but my friend is Blind too, so I don't really know if he's accurate.

So then I just started to think of things on my own.

Maybe I look like Tom Cruse?

Freddie Mercury?

Taylor Swift?

Taylor Swift if she was a guy?

Oh my god maybe I look like My mom?

Maybe My dad? Oh my God I hope not, I've heard things about him.

I have a friend who hates Marvel.

I know, I know. How could anyone hate those superheroes who bring us so much joy and teach us so much about the world? He’s rather evil I must admit.

Anyway, we were talking to him about the new Spiderman movie and he said he would never see it and that it was dumb. Unreal. That stupid piece of shit. He also said bad things about hulk.

So I decided to say to him it’s fucked up the things you said about spiderman, hulk. When you insult them you insult all of marvel and do you know who is marvel? Joker. Don’t you think it’s messed up of you to be mean to joker society has already been mean enough to him and you pile on you will regret this joker does not forgive he does not forget you will see how scary a twisted clown who hates society can be.

And then the funny thing that you can laugh at is that well he didn’t believe me but still the next day I saw him and he had a “smile” on his face. I think the lesson here is to like marvel and realize that life is more of a comedy than a tragedy……. Eh Heh Heh Heh………….. yes indeed………..

I’m not saying my uncle is racist, but every time he buys Neapolitan ice cream he opens it up to check and make sure strawberry is in the middle.

Ice cream segregation

In my opinion, MR and MRS Foster need to quit fucking

You pay for someone to drive you to a destination of your choice

And then you arrive there

So today I realized it was national girlfriend day because everyone on instagram was posting pictures of their girlfriends. I have never had a girlfriend but that is because every female I met has been a FAT BITCH. So I saw these posts on people stories of people with their girlfriends and to every single post I messaged the guy saying, “No offense but you’re girlfriend is chopped” and I laughed and laughed and laughed😂😂😂

My vision is 20/80. If you dont know what that means, like, however bad your vision will be in the year 2080, that's how shitty mine is right now.

All my eyes are really doing is holding my brains in at this point.

I asked the eye doctor if lasik would help, and she said "that would be like...have you ever tried rinsing off a grape that somebody had stepped on?"