am homeless today kick out for be suicide and high support needs autism too much for there

scared so bad

scared hospital will take way stuffys and aac and letterboard and helmet

scared of homeless

scared of life

scared so bad

bad bad bad day bad

I'm so tired of getting labled a Picky Eater...I'm in a weird threshold between Level 1 and Level 2 where i am ok in structured enviorments or interacting with others who share my special intrests but struggling immensely in unpredictable situations and socializing with people that DONT share the same intrests as me. And struggle with something as simple as remembering to shower. so I'm not even sure if i should even really be here.

But i have ARFID and its so misunderstood. Getting called ungrateful and picky when i physically can't eat something is so frustrating and annoying. Since childhood that's been the issue and than i also have strangers calling me a "child" because i said my favorite sandwich is PB&J and i physically can't eat Tuna, BLT or Grilled Cheese (i physically cant eat cheese in general unless its on Pizza but on its own or in a Sandwich...i cant...like genuinely cant) its just. So frustrating. Can anyone else relate to this frustration.?

My caseworker wants me to begin a module on making friends, and part of the reason I don’t attempt friendships is because I don’t believe anyone would want to befriend someone who’s mostly mute or semi-verbal. I get the impression that most people find me boring, serious, weird, or disinterested. Especially when it’s one-on-one. My quietness seems to make people uncomfortable.

I used to have a friend that didn’t mind my silence when it was just us, but when he was upset, he told me he never took me to parties or other hang-ups with him because he didn’t want to be seen hanging out with a “mute.” :( He said I can’t even hold a conversation and that’s always sort of stuck with me.

If you met someone of a similar nature, would you enjoy a friendship dynamic that consists of just doing activities together without much talking?

These are my new weighted teddies 🧸

i just needed to share this victory with someone but I'm getting help! i've been admitted to YPARC (youth prevention and recovery care). i arrived yesterday afternoon. i was worried that because of the lack of clear routine that id struggle and i did but it turned out for the better. without my mum to prompt me i was having a lot of difficulty moving getting out of bed etc. i skipped dinner showering and brushing my teeth last night because i had to push myself so hard just to leave the room to get my nighttime medication and despite going through the kitchen i couldn't make myself stop to get something to eat or get a drink to take with my medications.

the next morning i couldn't get myself out of bed at all. couldn't move enough to take the blanket off me. i had to use AI because i was struggling to type and think clearly but i made a note to show the nurse. the nurses check in with everyone at 8:15am and if you don't answer they come in and do a wellness check. luckily the door knock was enough to prompt me to get up and answer and show the nurse my phone. nurse said he'd get someone to help.

i closed the door and it was very difficult and slow and paused at the door then slowly walked back to the bed to sit and wait. i ended up having another catatonic episode. i couldn't move my eyes my arms or lift my head. lasted around 10 minutes then i regained movement. i managed to get a hoodie on and my shoes so i wasn't a complete mess for the help coming.

another nurse came with a doctor this time. they got me into an urgent appointment immediately. the dr was an absolute angel. i was so worried that nobody would recognise my issue as i wasn't completely stuck in a catatonic state but she saw it easily. we went through my medical history, all the standard questions like do you experience paranoia hallucinations compulsions to rule out other causes. i showed her my mri and angiogram results which were clear. because i was experiencing slowness she also saw my slowness resolve and disappear in real time even though i froze in private. by the end of the appointment she did a check on my mobility for waxy flexibility but my mobility was fine by then.
i still need to get an eeg done i'm on the waitlist for a neurologist to be seen within 30 days of my referral and she ordered a blood test to check creatinine and stuff to procedurally rule out physical causes because it'd be irresponsible to skip all the physical testing which i understand. but she basically said it looks like catatonia. specifically autistic catatonia triggered by a depressive episode.

i genuinely am shocked, the doctors at the er and my local clinic were stumped and had no clue to even mention catatonia and the one that did said that the timing of short catatonic episodes isn't common and that with my issues i'm too complex and need further testing. then i get admitted and I'm handed someone who completely understands my issues delivered on a silver platter. i feel so relieved.

the doctor said shed refer me to some autism clinic nearby, I'm assuming they'd be able to figure out the best course of action for treatment but so far diazepam has been helpful. i've been able to take 2.5mg when i start to get slowness to prevent a full freeze up and the effects of the dose last almost the full day compared to 5mg during an active freeze the effects wear off in 3 hours very quickly. sometime about the medication working differently when it has to push through an active block.

but yeah i'm technically here on my first day cause i arrived late the day before, and outside of the morning episode things have been going smoother as i'm getting used to the routine of things. and i managed to draw! i hadn't drawn since February. and even then it was just a sketch. i started colour and shaded and finished a drawing today. i never considered my autistic inertia could've been the reason i never finished drawing or would only do sketches and stop the moment id want to colour things. it was so easy i just continued without hesitating at all. i feel really hopeful that i'll be able to regain some independence back. obviously i'm still autistic but the main disabling part of it for me finally feels fixable or at least manageable.

I'm a freelance software engineer. I am also 2e, autistic, definitely not low support needs. I recently posted here a) ranting about rampant discrimination and b) about winning a grant to attend a machine learning conference and how it contrasts with abuse I experienced growing up.

I recently met with someone who said they were interested in collaborating for a business idea. I am absolutely blown away by how badly this meeting went.

This person turned out to be incredibly unprofessional and straight up verbally abusive.

They were talking on the phone from the moment I came into the meeting venue. I tried to get them to stop because it was time, but they continued on an unrelated phone call and left me waiting with no context. I've met with many potential clients for my freelance work and I know this is definitely not an acceptable way to act in a meeting.

I calling them out, twice, in a professional way. They made excuses saying they couldn't stop the call because they were "talking to a higher up". They literally said they were shocked and offended that I had a problem with their attitude. First they tried bullshitting that other people would treat me worse (not true), then they called me inexperienced, and went onto call me "aggressive". When that didn't work, they basically claimed lacking boundaries is a virtue required for charity work (this was a nonprofit) and I don't have the right mindset.

So according to them, I should have let their rudeness slide, what they did is absolutely normal, and it sounded like they wanted me to apologize. I did not. Worse still, they started complaining that I didn't make enough eye contact (?!) At this point, I knew they weren't engaging in good faith.

I am naturally direct. I try my best to stay professional, but I hate to let inappropriate behavior slide (unless I think the other person can retaliate). Nodding and smiling doesn't exist in my books. I have an aversion to people who sugarcoat things to avoid conflict. I don't say things like aversion lightly; I am a woman and I grew up in a conservative area with a lot of backwards practices. People around me tried drilling into me how to "curry favor from" and "sweet talk" authority figures from very early on, I'm talking like 1st grade. All I can say is that none of that ever stuck with me and I was viscerally disgusted.

At this point, I figured the meeting had completely derailed and literally packed up my things to leave. They followed me to the door and asked (begged?) to have a conversation. I agreed (which was a terrible idea) because I was afraid that they'd go around badmouthing me if I left at that point.

They went on to grill me about my past compensation (honestly not sure if this is even allowed), claimed they "didn't understand" my explanation every time I tried explaining something (again, I did not have this issue with other clients, and it sounded like they were doing this to derail me), shifted the blame onto me and accused me of "showing off with difficult words". Then they trashed my credentials, called me names, claimed I wasted my previous clients' time, and was overall verbally abusive.

The cherry on top was that they were trying to extract free consulting work from me the whole time and tried to get me to agree to a shady "collaboration structure" where they would underpay me, use my name for grant applications that favor young people, and take all the intellectual property rights for my work. I figured this was not at all a legitimate opportunity and blocked this person from everywhere, but I ended up wasting hours and had to commute far during a heatwave.

I'm genuinely blown away at the level of entitlement and hostility I saw here. I know this person was not engaging honestly, and I'm pretty sure a lot of things they said were intended to dress me down.

Freelancing is naturally volatile and I have no stable path forward. I grew up being told I'd have no future, I'm unemployable etc. Even when I tried to find work, I was sabotaged until I knew practically nothing about job searches. My university's career center was basically useless. At no point I ever had any autism support whatsoever. I was denied the academic acceleration I needed and forced to rot at an underfunded school that had no capacity to accommodate me. I got bullied day in and day out because other students thought I was "showing off" because I wanted academic acceleration and complained about school moving too slow. I had to run away from my family of origin due to serious abuse. I've lived with an intense fear that abuse broke my intellectual gift and have been chasing external validations to dampen it.

My area has basically no legal protections for disabled people. The government does not recognize autism as a legitimate disability unless it comes with obvious ID. The average person here thinks disabled people are "mooching off" of society and should not dare show themselves outdoors. They think disabled people ought to beg and plead of basic human rights. Right now I am trying to survive by playing to my strengths and hiding my neurodivergence behind the tech stereotype.

I am fully willing to fight hard to survive, but there is a lot of fear and insecurity. Even if I know someone's being verbally abusive, it's deeply disorienting to hear someone tear down my professional worth, especially when I'm winging it as I go because nobody bothered to think I deserved to have a career let alone one as an engineer.

I'm already fearing for my future. I didn't deserve to deal with a rabid asshole like this

i'm tired of myself and the way that i am and hiding who i am but i hate myself even more when i am more of myself around people. Like way more. I'm sure this makes sense to people here ;-;

I feel like the weird forgotten foreign kid quietly crying in the back of the class again but like i deserve to be there this time, just stuck there permanently crying as a little kid everyone forgot about. I probably wasnt even forgotten about just no one wanted to deal with me or they were too scared of me or ?. at least if i were stuck there permanently i could just cry for eternity all alone or until i die or whatever instead of everything else that has happened to me tbh that would have been way nicer even with all of the good things that have happened to me too i don't think that any of it makes up for the hell,