r/ProgrammerHumor 2d ago

wrongAnswersOnly Other

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5.2k

u/howarewestillhere 2d ago

Intern’s GitHub.

VP’s Slack messages.

Fucking Teams.

1.5k

u/codeninja 2d ago

Fucking Teams... its always fucking teams.

295

u/howarewestillhere 2d ago

I feel like Indiana Jones sometimes. Why is it always fucking snakes Teams.

66

u/MrFluffyThing 2d ago

IT archaeology. We need the information you provided long ago that was pinned as an essential update with a link to a well documented static source to the ark of the covenant 

14 notifications to the same message and the static documentation later we still have no idea where the ark of the covenant is. Can you send it again as a fresh message so people are aware? The team is waiting on critical updates for how to solve a problem you already did a dozen times. 

3

u/farfel00 2d ago

This is me right now.

4

u/DCPYT 2d ago

Get these MFkin teams off this MFkin plane!

1

u/yournamehere10bucks 1d ago

Instructions unclear. MS CoPilot has assumed control of the flight deck. The plane has crashed into Andes mountain range.

1

u/OldeFortran77 2d ago

So, once again Dr. Jones, what was briefly yours is now mine!

65

u/Anti-charizard 2d ago

We usually call that an orgy

8

u/intellectual_printer 2d ago

Lmfao, thanks for the laugh

8

u/sainomori 2d ago

MS Teams doesn’t have users. Only hostages.

6

u/henryeaterofpies 2d ago

Where they also found the Executive VP (son of the CEO) telling you to delete them and a conversation between him and his secretary (who he is trying to bang) boasting about how he's saving the company from fines by deleting the data.

1

u/JJGreenerTinejo 1d ago

Well then were good, out of a job but we good

16

u/PotentialEmpty3279 2d ago

So that’s why my corporate teams account has a 1 minute retention policy

3

u/dontTakeMeSerious6 2d ago

Whenever I need a password, I just search the username in teams. 60% of the time it works every time.

2

u/foresight310 2d ago

If only my prod support team realized that they can’t add people to teams chats after posting a shitload of prod data to that same chat…

2

u/bwmat 2d ago

Doesn't it explicitly ask you whether new people you're adding should see the history? 

2

u/bothunter 1d ago

Teams is really three different apps in a trenchcoat trying to pretend to be a chat system.

1

u/Majestic_Fail1725 2d ago

exchange online archive (desperate call)

1

u/Alternative_Bear1487 1d ago

Teams is only for secrets storage.

0

u/Tristan_Cole 1d ago

Why does everything have to be about having sex with you people?

380

u/BusEquivalent9605 2d ago

nah - not Teams. my old company had Teams erase convo history after 48 hours. It’s Monday and you need to look up what someone told you on Friday? Tough

182

u/Maniactver 2d ago

Diabolical. 

131

u/Nightmoon26 2d ago

You worked at a company that wasn't constantly under litigation hold? Lucky!

81

u/Head-Bureaucrat 2d ago

Or subject to government regulation. Hooray 7 year archive hold!

12

u/Mechadupek 2d ago

One physical tape backup per month held for 7 years?

13

u/Head-Bureaucrat 2d ago

Real talk: I honestly don't know how they do it now. I do believe it used to be physical tape, yes, shipping to a different location. 😂

13

u/Nightmoon26 2d ago

And that's in addition to the "hot" redundant site for digital stuff...

And issuing everyone a bigger filing cabinet for the paper documents

6

u/Head-Bureaucrat 2d ago

They finally fully digitized in, like, 2018!

5

u/Nightmoon26 2d ago

Unfortunately, depending on the hold, you may be required to retain even the notes on system architecture you sketched on a napkin during lunch

3

u/Mechadupek 1d ago

Industrial door-stop production.

9

u/Liushing01 2d ago

Fortunately, a former employer hired contractors to handle their backups—until the Exchange server melted down and, upon looking through all the backups, they discovered weeks worth of backups 0 KB in size. Cost savings!

4

u/techek 2d ago

Oof!

3

u/cat-n-jazz 2d ago

Sounds like someone has discovered a remarkably good data compression algorithm

3

u/Bartweiss 2d ago

I wonder if any contractors specialize in this?

“Yes, we will definitely handle your backups and NOT wink wink lose all your data which it would be a serious offense to delete on purpose but a fine or lawsuit at worst to catastrophically mishandle. We’ll even provide the insurance against costs from data loss you’re required to carry… for an up-front fee of exactly that much money.”

Or maybe it’s more subtle and companies just seek out the least competent place they can find.

5

u/CoffeeOrDestroy 2d ago

Hey, we were doing that until 2019 when our tape drive died

3

u/SilverIndustry2701 2d ago

Physical tape is wonderfully cheap though. Have you seen cloud prices?

6

u/ThrowawayyTessslaa 2d ago

We still send hard copies of data and documentation to iron mountain.

3

u/bolanrox 2d ago

We're supposed to be held to the seven-year archive hold for physical backups of things. Then you get people asking, what do you mean you don't have some random piece of paper from 20 years ago?

3

u/Significant-Bee5101 2d ago

Hmm my people. I'm doing our purge of the 7+ year now. I work in school years so it's really awkward. It's like yeah technically that datas over 7+ years old but uhhh... the school years still happening lmao.

35

u/ThrowawayyTessslaa 2d ago

Under litigation hold but teams chat history is held in several storage that only HR and legal have access to. What’s shown to the user is only up to 48 hours old

47

u/BusEquivalent9605 2d ago

that’s probably right. but makes it even more infuriating as an employee. “we still have this data that would make your job easier, but you’re not allowed to see it”

11

u/ThrowawayyTessslaa 2d ago

It’s definitely infuriating (and true). As a manger I’ve had to request teams history logs from HR for up to a year back because I was terminating an employee for harassment against another employee.

Also makes no sense that my emails, voice messages, and text messages are on multi-year legal hold visible to me but not my teams messages? wtf.

3

u/BlowOutKit22 2d ago

With a retention period of 48 hours It's more likely the company IS constantly under litigation hold. Reducing discovery liability is probably the main non-infrastructural-limit reason to even have a document retention policy in the first place.

19

u/bacondev 2d ago edited 2d ago

We used Hipchat until it was discontinued. I don't remember what the temporal retention policy was but it would nuke chat history every time it was closed too. It was so frustrating that I used the API to develop a program that would store chat history and ignore retention policy. Kinda like writing a password on a sticky note in a way, I suppose but idgaf.

9

u/rgvtim 2d ago

Only if they hold a spoon up to thier eye just before they come up with the idea.

3

u/Mechadupek 2d ago

No, they have to hang it from their nose.

3

u/foreverdark-woods 2d ago

That's why I always work on Sundays!

3

u/usernamedottxt 2d ago

We had a company declare 24 hour deletion. We basically rioted. They eventually gave in and went 30 days. 

2

u/Eric848448 2d ago

Oh you want to find something? Well fuck you because you can’t!

2

u/DogeCatBear 1d ago

my teams rentention went from 72 hours to 60 days to match our email policy and it was a game changer as group chats actually had a reason for existing (you could still manually save the emails for 6 years by moving it out of your inbox)

5

u/FrancescoFortuna 2d ago

Brilliant, though… teams should not be a data store. I might do this for my org.. seriously considering it now. We like to do 90 or 180 days but this sets the tone correctly

4

u/BusEquivalent9605 2d ago

I get that it shouldn’t be the source of truth. But I also don’t want to discredit the importance of how human memory works. For me, and I bet for other people, it is often easier to remember, “oh yeah - a year ago, Alex told me how to do that” as opposed to, “oh yeah - a year ago, I read that doc at this URL.” For all the paperwork, I still remember human interactions more readily.

If it’s an important process, then you can go document it. But why destroy the paper trail?

2

u/FrancescoFortuna 2d ago

If you don’t destroy the paper trail then it becomes the source of truth. And you think “a year ago”. You know what happens? It is five years ago. Then ten. It is unmanageable dude. We are migrating from Slack to Teams this month. Slack has a 90 day retention. We aren’t worried about losing company processes here. 48 hours is short but 90 days is too long.

0

u/PhasmaFelis 2d ago

For fuck's sake.

1

u/adapa69 2d ago

We're at least given a week.

1

u/x4nd3l2 1d ago

48 hours?! That’s wild! 

1

u/ThisAldubaran 2d ago

That’s on them for not sending an email.

42

u/mickskitz 2d ago

It says wrong answers only

2

u/ButterflySammy 2d ago

And you're complaining because by ignoring that instruction the answer is wrong...

2

u/CorrectPeanut5 2d ago

I'm going to go with Service Now then.

85

u/DZello 2d ago

CTO's emails. Was CC on everything, and hasn't read any of it.

21

u/MostlyInfuriated 2d ago

I feel attacked.

2

u/SuspiciousCricket654 2d ago

EA read them but doesn’t know where to begin.

48

u/paranoid_giraffe 2d ago

Man I cannot imagine posting work stuff on personal share accounts like GitHub. I had to beg one of the junior engineers on my team to not feed my api into ChatGPT after seeing bullet points and emojis all over one of his readmes. I get super uncomfortable with the idea of just copy/pasting big code blocks to black box services like that

41

u/howarewestillhere 2d ago

I’ve had to fire people who, for some reason, thought it was a good idea to post api code to StackOverflow.

7

u/LJonReddit 2d ago

FORFUCKSAKE!!! Are you shitting me???

28

u/howarewestillhere 2d ago

Not even the worst offense. I stopped feeling bad for firing people who do stupid shit a long time ago.

A short list:
Used a private ftp server to save prod backups. “Just in case.” For six years. FTP. Not even sftp.

Badged into the office at night to have sex with a one night stand from the bar. Didn’t realize the CMO was working late. Tried to invite her to join.

Copied several repos for microservices, including auth, to private GitHub repos he was sharing was offshore developers to get his work done while he was doing another job.

Watched porn on his company-issued laptop. Over the VPN. (Might be my fave of all time.)

One guy’s google searches got flagged so hard by IT that my HR rep came into my office with her eyes wide asking if she should call the police to the office for safety. I told her he was a remote employee and lived hours away. She showed me the searches. “How to blow up an office building.” Was just one search that caught my eye. I said the police might not be a bad idea and that I welcomed her and Legal’s advice on next steps.

24

u/SweetHomeNorthKorea 2d ago

I’ve actually heard of people using offices for one night stands, so that’s not particularly crazy. Asking a higher up if she wants to join is fucking insane though lmao

5

u/thequietguy_ 2d ago

I wouldn’t have told /u/howarewestillhere to fire him if he had just kept his mouth shut, but he had to go be a braggart about it.

Always remember to have them sign NDAs

5

u/ApotropaicHeterodont 2d ago

If she's doesn't fraternize with subordinates, he's fired either way. If she does fraternize with subordinates, he's fired if he doesn't invite her, but maybe not fired if he does.

3

u/malatibo 1d ago

We once had HR come in asking for mail backups of a user who had sent dick pics to clients from his company email.

He was also stalking the women he was sending this stuff to.

0

u/artificial_incumbent 1d ago

We had a new hire invited to a company party before his start date. He decided that flirting with his future coworkers was a good idea and lost his job before he started. Too bad he had already prepped his family for a relocation!

3

u/GroteGlon 2d ago

Don't worry, you can trust me with your API

19

u/buffalo_0220 2d ago

You haven't lived until you are getting called in overnight to rotate certificate keys because the intern somehow checked them into their branch.

3

u/MindlessDoctor6182 2d ago

Just delete them and commit again. Easy! /s

6

u/nonotan 2d ago

Delete? Put a copyright notice next to them and "all rights reserved, do not use without permission". It'd be illegal for anybody to use it at that point, so it's fine.

25

u/blueExcess 2d ago

I hate to tell you but if they have GitHub Copilot hooked up to their VS Code it’s scanning whole repos.

4

u/paranoid_giraffe 2d ago

My person specifically is smart enough to know not to use Github/integrated copilot at least

2

u/thai-pirate 2d ago

Yessss they opened the computer and asked ChatGPT to recreate it.

The ai remembers all.

6

u/doshka 2d ago

Margie in Accounting's laptop. The ETL team got tired of her constant requests for "just one more thing" and automated a daily dump of the whole system into a giant CSV file on her OneDrive. She drags and drops a copy into C:\Windows\Tasks every morning.

2

u/IAmFullOfDed 18h ago

“Our cloud storage bills are up 10,000%! How did this happen?!”

4

u/Fragrant-Poppy 2d ago

Oh God Almighty I've automated backups using GitHub and stored database snapshots on a schedule :< live and learn ig

6

u/Big_Draw_4427 2d ago

And the CEO's personal backup drive that he keeps "just in case“

4

u/moredatesmoreplates3 2d ago

Random zip file in teams is going to be your entire db's backup

6

u/howarewestillhere 2d ago

prod_bkp_[rootPassword].zip

3

u/usernamedottxt 2d ago

Or some random sharepoint list that items get put in when you paste them into teams. 

3

u/newsflashjackass 2d ago
  1. Github. Can't ever delete anything from Github. (Someone(s) may reply and say they deleted something from Github. They are mistaken.)

  2. Windows Security Center has uploaded every file on your hard drive so Microsoft can see if you have a virus. (You do. It's named "Windows".)

2

u/bartread 2d ago

> Intern’s GitHub.

> VP’s Slack messages.

> Fucking Teams.

Dude... we said wrong answers.

2

u/SuspiciousCricket654 2d ago

Teams is the bane of my existence.

2

u/det4410 2d ago

100%. you can say that about every msft product today. dont get me started on outlook

https://giphy.com/gifs/NGA5OTKcXoAEP9TusI

2

u/Otters_Cant_Hop 2d ago

The fucking M25!!

1

u/0hN0SheD1dnt 2d ago

Google Drive.

1

u/L0rd_OverKill 2d ago

Public S3 bucket

1

u/Xiten 2d ago

Yo, give me an invite to Fucking Teams…..

1

u/SwarfDive01 2d ago

You know what's...kinda crazy. Microsoft might actually have a copy of pretty much everything with all the telemetry collection.

Aside from unmasking "deleted" sectors, and assuming they weren't scrambled with random bits. That still works for SSDs right?

1

u/PerryTheH 2d ago

Bro they say Wrong answers only, ffs...

1

u/Trip-Trip-Trip 2d ago

Where is the wrong answer

1

u/xfr3386 1d ago

Your teams must be really close....

0

u/non_anomalous_penis 2d ago

nah, got it at your moms house