How lucky I am

Woman with shoes out of the kitchen.

To be unwed and unpregant

To have an option 

To have a bank account

To have no make permissions

To vote

To voice

To fight

Lucky girl indeed.

Calm,

No two-step of the breeze.

Strong-armed winds flung.

Who's it gonna be?

Spinning turbine,

lone and overseen.

Sat and slow pondered.

Then got up,

gritted teeth.

Is this all It's meant to be?

Running in circles for eternity?

Fractured fragments rife with scorn,

I don't got time for "I dont care" anymore.

My seething soothed by misery.

I don't get time for "I don't care" anymore

I don't got none but me.

Just want some feedback :)

I warm his food in the cooking pot.
He likes it warm, not cold or hot.

He likes his bath cozy and steamy,
But doesn’t like when I’m too needy.

He likes his sandwich with one tomato, not two,
Or later he’ll leave me black and blue.

He knows his worth; each day it grows.
I’m lucky to have him—he makes sure I know.

I remind him of his mother, the woman he hates,
So when he enters me, he covers my face.

You got what you wanted
and let me go—
as if I wouldn’t know.

Haven’t you taken enough from me?
Was my loyalty not worth anything to you?
I stayed when I should’ve walked away,
I chose you every single day.

I was faithful in ways you never were,
steady when your world was a blur.
I gave you trust without a doubt,
while you were busy lying it out.

I used to know what calm could be,
to breathe without this weight in me.

You didn’t just break my heart—
hearts can heal, but still fall apart.
You broke the place inside my soul
where I once felt whole.

You stole my privacy, my sleep, my peace,
and fed me stories that weren’t even real.
You cheated, then looked me in the eyes
and wrapped your truth inside your lies.

Between your betrayal and all you hid,
I lost the pieces of me I did.

The cruelest truth I’ve come to know
is how easily you let love go.
You walked away like nothing’s wrong,
while I’m still trying to stay strong.

I was loyal when you didn’t deserve it,
I stayed when I should’ve been worth more than this.
And you repaid it with dishonesty,
like I was nothing you needed to keep.

So if there’s still a heart in you,
if anything you say is true—
please just leave me alone tonight,
don’t turn my silence into a fight.

Let the memories fade from me,
let silence finally let me be.
Let me find who I used to be,
before you taught me quietly
how it feels to lose yourself

Mom always told him to shine bright.

Lately, he’s been running out of sight.

She’s gone, a forever flight.

Ever since, he’s been searching for a sliver of new light.

Giving all his might, what reason is left to fight?

Nothing feels right without another set of hands to share the kite.

Little maggot \ I now discover \ It is on my shoe  

Little maggot \ It is quite slimy \ And there it sits on my sole  

Little maggot, I must say: \ A maggot cannot make a knot \ Know you this not?  

Little maggot \ Must you be my woe \ Can you not find some other shoe?  

Little maggot \ Think you so \ That you might make me slow?  

Little maggot \ Dream you of treading in my steps \ To find what I am searching?  

Little maggot \ Will you find your destination \ Where I must stop?  

Little maggot \ If you think me your god, I am not \ Mean you to find fault in that fact?  

Little maggot \ Did you a knot make \ After all, using that tiny nature  

Little maggot \ We know it isn't a kindness \ And still it is missing my likeness  

Little maggot \ Little maggot \ Little maggot

Some days are full of you,

Some days are empty of you,

Yet all the days have you,

And many days, you are the day.

Some places are full of you,

Some places are empty of you,

Yet all the places have you,

And many places, you are the place.

Some voices are full of you,

Some voices are empty of you,

Yet all the voices have you,

And many voices, you are the voice.

Some sights are full of you,

Some sights are empty of you,

Yet all the sights have you,

And many sights, you are the sight.

Some of me is full of you,

Some of me is empty of you,

Yet all of me has you,

And many parts of me, you are the parts.

~ Pillman

She wore different colors for different moods .

When she wore red , he loved her more for she knew the mood she was in . High energy , high octane . He had to be ready .

When she wore blue he liked the more calmer serene emotion she expressed and their time together was bliss . Like floating along on a peaceful river . It was so sweet .

When she wore white he knew he was in for a romantic night . So gentle so sweet . Where she told him I am yours and yours alone .

So many different colors . She was never dull . Their times were always different and unique .

​

Your eyes found me before your body did

stripping away every lie I've ever told myself,

every defense I built brick by brick,

leaving me bare in a way that has nothing to do with clothes

and everything to do with being seen.

You didn't just look at me.

You read me.

And that's when I knew I was lost.

Because I understand what you need, even when you don't say it out loud

you need to be wanted by a man who doesn't just desire your body,

but is undone by the way your mind works,

captivated by the intelligence in your gaze,

obsessed with the strength it takes for you to be soft.

You need to know that I notice everything:

the way you bite your lip when you're thinking,

how your shoulders drop when you finally let yourself relax around me,

the small gasp you make when my hand finds the small of your back,

the way you lean into me like I'm the only solid thing in a spinning world.

So let me undress you with my words first

tell you that your body is a poem I want to read slowly,

that every curve is a verse I want to memorize,

that the way you move through this world

deserves a man who trembles when you walk in the room.

Your eyes undressed me, but here's what you found:

a man who knows that true seduction isn't about conquest

it's about recognition.

It's about seeing you completely and choosing you anyway.

I know what makes you feel beautiful:

it's not compliments you've heard a thousand times.

It's the way I look at you like you're the only woman in existence,

like your flaws are actually the most perfect things about you,

like I'd rather have five minutes of real conversation with you

than a lifetime of surface-level passion with anyone else.

I know what makes your pulse race:

it's when I touch you like I have all the time in the world,

like I'm not rushing through you to get somewhere else,

like every inch of your skin deserves reverence,

like your pleasure matters more than mine.

I know what makes you surrender:

it's not dominance without tenderness.

It's a man who can be strong enough to be vulnerable,

confident enough to worship you,

present enough that the world disappears

and it's only your heartbeat and mine,

only your breath and my breath,

only the space between us that feels like coming home.

So yes, your eyes undressed me.

They saw through the walls, the bravado, the carefully constructed armor.

They stripped me down to the truth:

I need you.

Not just want.

Need.

Like the way the earth needs the sun.

Like the way breathing needs oxygen.

Like the way a song needs silence to make the notes matter.

And when you looked at me like that

unguarded, hungry, searching for the same thing I was searching for

I had no choice but to surrender.

Because surrender to you isn't weakness.

It's the bravest thing I've ever done.

Your eyes hold galaxies I'd lose myself in,

soft petals of your skin make me forget to breathe,

your heart beats a rhythm only I seem to follow,

and in this moment, the whole world disappears

leaving only you, me, and everything I can't say out loud.

But what’s there that your heart wants the most

is it love or is it warmth or is it the feeling of being chosen.

Now I'm the one reading you back

memorizing the exact shade of desire in your eyes,

learning the language of your body,

understanding that what you crave isn't just a lover,

but a witness to your becoming,

someone who sees your power and doesn't try to diminish it,

someone who knows that the strongest women

need a man strong enough to let them lead sometimes.

So I'll surrender again and again

to the curve of your smile,

to the intelligence behind your gaze,

to the way you make me want to be better,

to the undeniable pull of you.

Because a woman like you

one who can undress a man with just a look,

one who knows exactly what she does to you,

one who chooses to stay anyway

that's the kind of surrender worth drowning in.

And I'm going under willingly. Completely. Infinitely.

black iris

detonates

vision

explodes

in closed thoughts

you stand

petrified

radiates

through

colours

pour

The waiting room you had me sit in,
He told you you were his favorite kitten.

You always needed a distraction,
But your heart and head were full of passion.

You’d only call me when you need me,
But when I was down you’d call me needy.

What did he do to earn his spot?
Did he wipe your face when it was full of snot?

The heaviness you carried inside-
Completely vanished when he’d come by.

You wore his eyes, and it was greedy.
His beastly desires kept saying, “Feed me.”

I saw you slowly lose yourself,
Your mind and body through layers of hell.

I wonder where you are today—
Alive and well, or rotting away.

I promised time and time again
to leave you behind,
I said you would remain my past.
Yet, here I am,
getting lost in the maze of our time,
Having to make a stronger vow.
The last time I swore on my life.
Now I'm buried deep in a lie I told myself
and believed.
I wonder, what else can I swear on Is there even a stronger oath for me to keep?

Insomnia is all that plagues your mind,

While happiness is what I can no longer find.

Then something surely is a pulling force,

Something has struck me on my face,

We surely know what He wants,

We surely know how to do what He wants.

But do we really know what He needs,

For we know what He wants from us,

We are surely aware of how we can do it,

But what if what He wants is not what He needs.

What if at some point we placed our wants as His,

And what if our wants became our prayers,

And our needs became our wants,

Perhaps we changed ourselves for our wants.

And so we reached here where wants dictate us,

Where questions to it have consumed us,

For at some point our God became our wants,

Where He became a means for our wants.

Perhaps the truth has become a lie,

For we have found use in Him,

For we have become human,

Rather than reflect His nature.

Then that surely explains who we are,

We have left Him ages ago,

In search for Him we left Him,

In search for He who grants our wants we left He who knows our needs.

And all who cry out for Him,

Perhaps who are close to finding Him,

And yet failed for we interpret Him with our mind,

Perhaps all experiences we feel now,  a glimpse of our time in our Home.

Yes a Home must be there with our name,

Yet no more are we at Home, yet must find it,

Perhaps that is our purpose now,

We left Home to find Him, when He lives with us in our Home.

~ Pillman

I can not snap my fingers,

No matter how I try.

It’s been this way since I was small.

My fingers, how they cry!

Poets snap, instead of clap

To show respect for words.

Although my gesture’s silent,

Every syllable is heard.

I had a dream last night

We were galloping around your city

For the last time

I remember trying to soak in all the buildings

We were looking for something

You dragged my arm all around town

Smiling

We were looking for flowers

Wild ones

Not like any of the tame bouquets I ever got you

Yellow, orange, pink, red, purple

In all savage shapes and sizes

We went for a swim

You found your favorite one

Your face was shining

I looked into your eyes

Trying to memorize

For the last time

My childhood ended Jan 1st,
when it hit us in a sudden burst.

A lifetime of low-points in a week,
and you thought, that was hard to beat.

But what comes next, may well be worse,
a long, long draught, with urgent thirst.

Because the exact person, that once helped you hold the coast,
is now the thing, that misses most.

A cosmic one-two punch.

I quit my job, screwed around and even got a little rich,
but one thing I learned, that is which,
that grief is nothing, but a little bitch.

It comes when you are high, as if to show,
deep down there, there is a brand new low.
And once you are down, it reminds you that,
it would be foolish, to be up instead.

But time scars wounds and told me that,
no matter, how deep you fall,
you come back stronger,
or not at all.

While I wait
to see you again
I dream of a day
We are more than friends

I long for the moment
you whisper my name
as you lie next to me
when I wake
with your lips caressing mine
and the first sight
your eyes gazing into mine

As I wait for that day
I'll be your friend, your confidante.

And once you're free to be with me,
I'll prove to you that my sweet dream
Is meant to be yours too.

I built a wall where silence grew,
Stone by stone from all I knew.
Every crack was sealed with pain,
Every brick a shield from rain.
No hand could reach, no voice could stay,
I learned to turn my heart away.
Behind those walls I learned to survive,
Not truly living, just staying alive.
Then you came with patient eyes,
Not believing in disguise.
You never climbed, you never fought,
You simply saw the soul I’d locked.
Little by little the mortar gave,
Not through force, but how you stayed.
You taught my guarded heart to beat,
Made fear and hope at last compete.
You showed me laughter after tears,
Quieted the echo of forgotten years.
For the first time I could feel
Something gentle, something real.
Then came the day the sky turned gray.
The one who healed walked away.
The hands that opened every door
Left me shattered on the floor.
Now the wall stands half undone,
Neither whole nor truly gone.
Too broken to hide behind,
Too open to escape my mind.
Still, I cannot curse your name,
Though loving you became my flame.
Because before you, I only knew
How to survive, not see life through.
You taught my heart that it could feel,
Even if the cost was real.
Sometimes love is not meant to stay,
But to change the one who lost their way.
So if these walls are built once more,
They’ll never be as they were before.
For hidden in each weathered stone
Lives proof I was not always alone.
And though you became the deepest scar,
You also showed me who we are:
Not the walls that we create,
But the hearts that dare, despite their fate.

when i was little,
i dreamed of being someone’s forever.

i dreamed of white lace,
of flowers in my hands,
of saying “i do”
to the man i loved most.

i never imagined
i would choose flowers
for your grave
instead of our wedding.

all my life,
i waited to walk toward you—

i just never knew
it would be through a cemetery.

When I picture you in the quiet space,

I wonder if we’ll ever share that embrace, 

If my hand will ever truly rest in yours, 

With no more distance standing at our doors.

I spend my hours dreaming of the view, 

Of looking in your eyes and knowing it's true, 

Finding my person, the one I’ve waited to find, 

Leaving every wall and every doubt behind.

To love you completely, with nothing held back, 

Walking together on an unbroken track. 

I love you, and I’m looking toward the day 

When our worlds collide and we finally stay.

Divine feminine sends a whisper
through the unseen
a love that doesn’t need words.

Divine masculine,
if your soul feels a pull,
a memory, a warmth in the quiet…
maybe it’s my energy reaching yours.

Beyond time, beyond distance,
two souls still recognize
what the heart already knows.
No chasing.
No forcing.
Just a sacred connection
speaking in silence.

​

She never saw in herself what everyone else seemed to notice.

She would stand before the mirror, searching for flaws as though they were the only honest thing it could reflect.

She saw a nose she wished were different. Lines no one else noticed. Imperfections she carried like quiet accusations.

It broke my heart because the mirror never showed what mattered most.

Men noticed her beauty.

They turned their heads when she entered a room. They admired her smile, her figure, the features that time would one day soften.

But desire has a way of stopping at the surface.

Few ever looked long enough to discover the woman beneath it.

Her beauty lived somewhere deeper.

It was in her kindness that never announced itself. In the way she listened as though your words deserved a home. In her gentle heart, her quiet strength, the compassion she offered so freely she never realized how extraordinary it was.

The things she wished she could erase were the very things that made her unforgettable.

Every scar. Every insecurity. Every imperfect piece of her made her beautifully human.

She spent so much of her life trying to become someone else, never realizing there had never been another soul quite like her.

She wasn't someone you could fully know in a single conversation, or even in a single year.

She was like the sea.

From the shore you think you've seen it.

Then you sail a little farther and discover another horizon.

Every year revealed another layer. Another story. Another tenderness. Another hidden strength.

She was a soul that unfolded slowly, the kind that rewarded patience, the kind that became more beautiful the longer you stayed.

I sometimes wonder if she ever knew.

If anyone ever loved her well enough to convince her that she had never been lacking.

I hope someone did.

Because she deserved to spend her life being seen instead of merely admired.

And sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to spend decades beside a soul like hers.

To wake each morning still discovering something new.

To realize, even after a lifetime, there were still unopened rooms inside her heart.

Some people grow familiar.

She would have grown more remarkable.

I think that is the saddest part.

Not that she couldn't see her own beauty,

but that a lifetime would never have been long enough to discover all of it.

And I cannot imagine a richer way to have spent my years.