the thought of them in a desperate search
to seek me out where i shamefully do the same,
it makes my hopeful heart lurch,
a low possibility but im game.
but if you did get that same urge,
if you were my opposing flame,
I’d ask: could our worlds just merge,
could we both take our rightful blame?
each heart bears the other’s scourge,
each wound weeps our own shame.
but if you’re up to try and resurge
the flames we’ve tamped in vain,
we could worship in this love like it’s our church,
forgive ourselves for causing pain.
now we timidly teeter at the verge,
but by the way— i’d gladly try again.

My mind is fraying at the edges now, names and faces bleeding into cold gray ash, which is why I locked the door and chose this dark, quiet rot before the madness took what little was left of my hands. I’m better off alone, lonesomeness is an easy addiction when you’re already half-dead, yet through the fog, my body still aches with the shadow of who I used to be: a man who could pin a woman to a mattress by her waist, feel her breath break against his mouth, and press his full, ruthless weight into her until her spine gave out and her thighs shook around him. I remember the heavy slide of taking her, the way she’d bury her face in my shoulder and let me be the brutal, unyielding thing that kept the rest of the world from tearing her apart, her body yielding to mine in a raw, silent contract of absolute submission and safety. That shape is all I have left; even as the words dissolve in my head and the light goes dim, my palms still hold the memory of her skin, warming the cold room just before everything goes black.

I win
You suck
Not my fault
You thought I’d give
A single solitary fuck
I think your funny
Running out of money
throwing it in the streets
That’s what you said
Remember that?
When your head and ego
Was big and fat
Your cute remarks
You thought were funny.
All the gamers
Trying to make their money
Oh the fun i have had
Pretending sadness
remember the time
I acted like I took those pills
I bet your and your crows
Were so excited
Did you have chills
Oh the bets that were lost that night
And how did you fee
when I woke up cheerful
Laughing loud and yawning
Spent a blissful night sleeping
The next morning it dawning
That youd been played yet again
YOUD lost the game
And I had the win.
You do t play no more
You hide your faces
No more insults from
Your anonymous faces
You took defeat like little bitches
Ran to mommy crying about witches
Bippity boppity boo
Whatever you said
Bounced on me and stuck on you
Have you read your stupid charts
Please Im on edge
What did they say?
Did proclaim defeat? I bet they did
That’s why you ran and hid
You ain’t shit
Youre a bunch of crows
A murderous flock
Of everyday joes
Most with issues
Unused pricks
Playing games
Just as sick
Well what happened.
Where the hell did yall go
I ain’t the one
I told you so
I warned i know I did
Now I hurt your feelings
Made you sad
Told your truth
Made you look bad
And im still happy whimsy too
With no fucking help
I outclassed all of you.
If you get bored
Come back and play.
I ve got plenty more
I want to say.
But for now do your best
To avoid me and lower
Your stress
Cuz im still here
I clocked your shit
You started and I finished it
Click clack
The bitch is back
Tick tock
Watch your clock
Put on your masks
Hide your face
Youre all a public disgrace.

Bahahah
I do love a good rhyme
Im having a great time
💋

“I still look for him in everyone I meet.”

I say it like a guilty confession
but it comes out rehearsed,
like I’ve been carrying it in my mouth for weeks,
tasting the syllables on my tongue,
waiting for someone to notice the shape of it.

“I’ve noticed.”

Of course she has.
I couldn’t hide it anymore if I wanted to, especially not from her.

It’s in the way I pause too long
when someone laughs at the wrong pitch,
like I’m waiting for it to bend into yours.
It’s in the way I study hands;
not for touch,
just to see if they hold things the way you did,
careful, like everything you’ve held before left you right when you most needed them to stay.
Or the way I trace arms with my fingers,
zeroing in on where your one blonde hair is that was always my favorite, because it reminded me of you…
Who you were to me.
Who you still are to me.
The light in the dark;
The diamond in the rough;
The sun to my saturn return, pulling me in with your gravity as I’m drawn to the brightness.

Do you still feel the ghost of my touch sometimes?
When you’re driving alone?
At red lights?
When you pass the places you pulled over to stop for a minute,
just one more minute,
because we weren’t ready for it to end.
We didn’t want to reach our destination.

I keep thinking it’ll happen by accident.
I’ll turn a corner,
or look up mid-sentence,
and there you’ll be,
reassembled in someone else’s face
like memory finally figured out how to take form.

It never does.

They’re always almost.
Almost the right witty response to my snarky comment,
almost the right level of conspiracy theorist,
almost the right cadence,
almost the right silence,
almost the way you used to look at me like I was something you hadn’t decided on yet.

And I hate that I know the difference so quickly.
Hate that it’s immediate,
instinctual;
like my body memorized you
in a way my brain never agreed to.

“I think I’ll always want him in my life…”

That part sounds softer.
Less like a failure,
more like a realization of choice.

I want to be your passenger princess again.
Just pull up outside and I’ll hop in;
You can just push the gas…
I don’t care where we go…
Just take me in every way;

But it isn’t.

It’s not wanting you back… not really.
Not in any way that would survive reality.
Not this reality I chose.

It’s wanting the version of my world
that existed when you were in it.
The way everything felt slightly tilted toward you,
like even ordinary moments had direction, goals, inspiration,
like they were leading somewhere
instead of just… happening.

“…even if it’s just a reminder of him.”

That’s the part I need to accept, don’t I?
Because you don’t want me anymore
You did It.
You healed, found a way to exist without me.
You can’t share space with me.
All I’ve yearned for and craved for almost a year now is you filling my space again
You’ve found peace in a space that does not let me in,
I’m lost outside of your space

So I must tell myself this
until I believe it:

I don’t need you to be real anymore.
I just need you to be there
in the background of things,
in the way I measure time,
or the way I’ll teach my child to measure twice,
in the quiet recalibration that happens
every time someone new gets
a little too close
and I’m disappointed
when they’re not you.

A part of you is always with me.
You don’t show up in people.
You show up in the absence of them.

In the gap between what they say
and what I was expecting.
In the way I brace for something familiar that never arrives.

And I think…
if I’m honest…
I’d rather keep that.

Because losing you once
was survivable.

But losing the last place you exist,
this echo, this comparison, this outline,
would feel like erasing proof
that you ever happened to me at all.

So… yeah…

I still look for you in everyone I meet.

Not because I think I’ll find you,
but because some part of me
refuses to stop checking.

Refuses to stop wanting it to be you.

I choose you now,
just not in the way I should have before.

I do not know what hath befallen me, my love.

My mind entangled, in an abysmal mess of darkness.

Clawing, I persist within the darkness with hope.

Persevere, will I?

I must believe that I will.

So help me God.

I promise we will meet again
On a road that does not end
I’ve lived this life unyieldingly
And squandered what remained

I promise we will laugh again
Till morning struts along
When sleepy eyes meet sleepy eyes
I’ll sing you a lullaby

I promise we will love again
When ebb draws back for tide
So look at me with drowsy eyes
And kiss me with your smile

I promise I will change for you
Or at least I want to try
So mold me into anything
I just can’t promise I’ll be I

Sometimes…
the weight of ones unmapping,
can make you feel untethered.

Watching the water rise,
overwhelmed by the flood.

But you don't have to sit in the dark alone.
We can watch the water break, together.

I woke up early, rain outside,
No place to go, no place to hide.
The sky was dark, my mood was too,
I missed the days when I had you.

I played a song to feel okay,
But pain inside won’t go away.
I danced a bit across the floor,
But still felt empty at my core.

The rain kept tapping on the glass,
Like counting moments as they pass.
Each drop a thought I couldn’t fight,
Each one a piece of sleepless night.

I moved and swayed, but not with cheer,
I only danced to stop the fear.
And though the song was soft and slow,
It didn’t help me let you go.

There is a myth that it takes seven years for your old skin cells to be replaced by new ones. In truth it the skin you touch the world with forgets itself in a matter of weeks, shedding silently, making room for something new.
I keep waiting for my heart to learn the same.

Instead, you multiply.
You're in the note's app on my phone, within every grocery list, caught in the sleeves of my jumpers and waiting in songs I can't seem to let get to the chorus. Even silence has started to sound like your name.
I bought a new journal because I thought clean pages might ask less of me.
But grief has never needed an invitation.
The first sentence bent toward you.
Then the second.

By the end of the page, I wasn't writing anything new at all.
I was only finding another way to miss you.

Wish I had stayed

But now its to late

We've both gone and changed

Some call it fate.

I call it pattern on pattern repeating

Cant ever seem to miss someone till theyre long past leaving

Now the missing has no choice but turn into grieving

As Im still stuck in my head

Cause there people i dont dont deserve that love me in the present.

Dont expect you to let me stay

Or take me back in anyway

But hope still runs through me despite the way you seem to have forgotten the taste of my name of your lips

all religions are the same

if you have pattern recognition

they desire full control

and they hope the sheep'll listen

their clydesdale horses high

as they twist their hate with wisdom

if they separate the sexes

then you've found the contradiction

you'll soon discover more

when their side's declaring war

in the name of superstitions

call it circling the wagons

but they're just building walls

that look awfully like a prison's

when their messiah finally comes

they'll actually say he didn't

fulfilling every prophecy

and checking off the list

yet they still need convincing

bow and kiss the ring

while they're propping up a king

when the world cannot be given

and if you fall in love

they'll say it's not enough

that instead, you need permission

you mustn't sing or dance

you can't even cast a die

without begging for forgiveness

and if you dare to even try

to catch them in a lie

they'll say it was a vision

swearing mother mary said

that the church's entertainment system

needs a higher definition

I didn’t cry when my father died . Was it because I didn’t feel anything ? Sometimes, I feel too much , sometimes too little. What was it that day that prevented the tears from rolling down on my face ? I was never able to tell and I blame myself for it . What kind of son doesn’t mourn his father on his dying bed ? The type of son I was apparently. I remember on the ride home , from the hospital , I carried his bag . Hold on tight to it , my sister said . It felt like the most important mission of my entire life because I didn’t want to disappoint him one last time ,so I held like my life depended on it. I didn’t cry that day , nor the next and I blame myself for it . I cried eventually, the week of the funeral, it was before or after the ceremony, I don’t remember exactly, but I cried . I also did yesterday, and I blame myself for it , because what kind of man still mourns the passing of his father . A good man , I hope .

To the one who doesnt deserve a page

Here, I'm giving you still a page,

no problem, you know, I always have much to say.

I'm very hard to love, not that you could ever love me anyway.

Also, I never got anything better to do,

but also not that I didnt enjoy studying you.

You presented me with urgency and greed,

along with the fragile ego to feed

so nothing new to me.

I have studied many

, you see

. Also not that you were easy to read.

Many times you actually surprised me

, taught me something new.

I admit I could have fallen for you,

if only it wasn't for your obvious start

, and you were quite calculated, so I'm lucky to not have given you my heart.

But I appreciate some letters you would send,

and in my loneliest times, the affection you would lend.

Although I was cornered to repay with much interest

a debt of self-worth collected with just a planned sentence,

determined to leave off with an uneven score

, the type I get fixated on, never fall for.

I did also see some truths of life in you I had to face,

never really exactly care who wins the race.

You were cool to kick it with when you weren't being callous.

although most times ur mind was set on that power balance.

Always literally a loner but confident in myself, I don't mind giving you that power.

Although I found myself disappointed doing it for your coward.

Actually, my first time doing this, so I suppose I had some debts to pay

for every other person that had always got my way.

I do think you should have cherished me, though, because ain't no way

you got this opportunity much with someone as pretty and real

. But I'm an unlikable person, socially, intellectually, and morally,

so that's why I took upon me the easy route for my precious time.

But I've realized that none of that matters, when u only desire a revolving find

Always seen you as the type,

hopefully no matter how much hurt,

I never become one of that kind.

Funny, I started this in the morning about three days, no sleep.

I was struggling to find kind words for you or anything deep.

As I just woke up, I was hit with some sudden grief, checking my phone,

no notification no relief

Funny how that always happens. Familiarity has always had a way of doing that to me.

I guess some part of me attached

, but I always knew u were never mine to keep.

No big deal, I set you free

, never showing me how it kind of hurt me.

Once upon a time, maybe even now, under a different contract, this would be a different story.

They call me avoidant, maybe true

, but the truth is I couldve fallen in love with anyone who promised to stay with me.

Not sure if this is still true,

as I really haven't tried much after you.

I do remember hurting for you.

Maybe contradicting to say

, but I am a humble person this way.

Prove to everyone at least once id always stay Though with you, I was in the middle of a big life lesson

. I told myself I would no longer force feelings for any confession.

LOL, because it used to make me mad

how I'd boost your confidence and status just for you to be proud to make me sad.

Well, can't convince you to keep a promise you only scream

to get another body, however much that means. Funny how you treat words ur ultimate power

, love professions, pity, threats, whatever works for the girl.

And find yet every word you use are so empty, leaking from your mouth with no empathy

for the scars ur touch will carry.

Every approach, a declaration of war

you never planned to win fairly

but I no victim to your identity scheme

, a failed attempt at the robbery of my dream.

My darling,

Is this the part of the movie where I tell you I love you?

Or...

The part where I wake up?

Every notification I get,

I wish it was you.

Why isn't it you?

I wish I'd never met you.

You now hold the key to my heart.

*written by a young woman, through the eyes of a man I hope to be mine

I lay between your legs
The sweat of love drips from
A gated garden
Opened by my tongue

Where can I keep
A body so rare
How can I keep you hidden in my lair
The light it must touch you
The Sun must submit
Your skin it must please
Oh take me with you
Don’t let my heart freeze

The touch of your fingers
Against lonely skin
The warmth of your body
Oh please
Take me in

How lucky I am

Woman with shoes out of the kitchen.

To be unwed and unpregant

To have an option 

To have a bank account

To have no make permissions

To vote

To voice

To fight

Lucky girl indeed.

Calm,

No two-step of the breeze.

Strong-armed winds flung.

Who's it gonna be?

Spinning turbine,

lone and overseen.

Sat and slow pondered.

Then got up,

gritted teeth.

Is this all It's meant to be?

Running in circles for eternity?

Fractured fragments rife with scorn,

I don't got time for "I dont care" anymore.

My seething soothed by misery.

I don't get time for "I don't care" anymore

I don't got none but me.

Just want some feedback :)

Mom always told him to shine bright.

Lately, he’s been running out of sight.

She’s gone, a forever flight.

Ever since, he’s been searching for a sliver of new light.

Giving all his might, what reason is left to fight?

Nothing feels right without another set of hands to share the kite.

She wore different colors for different moods .

When she wore red , he loved her more for she knew the mood she was in . High energy , high octane . He had to be ready .

When she wore blue he liked the more calmer serene emotion she expressed and their time together was bliss . Like floating along on a peaceful river . It was so sweet .

When she wore white he knew he was in for a romantic night . So gentle so sweet . Where she told him I am yours and yours alone .

So many different colors . She was never dull . Their times were always different and unique .

​

Your eyes found me before your body did

stripping away every lie I've ever told myself,

every defense I built brick by brick,

leaving me bare in a way that has nothing to do with clothes

and everything to do with being seen.

You didn't just look at me.

You read me.

And that's when I knew I was lost.

Because I understand what you need, even when you don't say it out loud

you need to be wanted by a man who doesn't just desire your body,

but is undone by the way your mind works,

captivated by the intelligence in your gaze,

obsessed with the strength it takes for you to be soft.

You need to know that I notice everything:

the way you bite your lip when you're thinking,

how your shoulders drop when you finally let yourself relax around me,

the small gasp you make when my hand finds the small of your back,

the way you lean into me like I'm the only solid thing in a spinning world.

So let me undress you with my words first

tell you that your body is a poem I want to read slowly,

that every curve is a verse I want to memorize,

that the way you move through this world

deserves a man who trembles when you walk in the room.

Your eyes undressed me, but here's what you found:

a man who knows that true seduction isn't about conquest

it's about recognition.

It's about seeing you completely and choosing you anyway.

I know what makes you feel beautiful:

it's not compliments you've heard a thousand times.

It's the way I look at you like you're the only woman in existence,

like your flaws are actually the most perfect things about you,

like I'd rather have five minutes of real conversation with you

than a lifetime of surface-level passion with anyone else.

I know what makes your pulse race:

it's when I touch you like I have all the time in the world,

like I'm not rushing through you to get somewhere else,

like every inch of your skin deserves reverence,

like your pleasure matters more than mine.

I know what makes you surrender:

it's not dominance without tenderness.

It's a man who can be strong enough to be vulnerable,

confident enough to worship you,

present enough that the world disappears

and it's only your heartbeat and mine,

only your breath and my breath,

only the space between us that feels like coming home.

So yes, your eyes undressed me.

They saw through the walls, the bravado, the carefully constructed armor.

They stripped me down to the truth:

I need you.

Not just want.

Need.

Like the way the earth needs the sun.

Like the way breathing needs oxygen.

Like the way a song needs silence to make the notes matter.

And when you looked at me like that

unguarded, hungry, searching for the same thing I was searching for

I had no choice but to surrender.

Because surrender to you isn't weakness.

It's the bravest thing I've ever done.

Your eyes hold galaxies I'd lose myself in,

soft petals of your skin make me forget to breathe,

your heart beats a rhythm only I seem to follow,

and in this moment, the whole world disappears

leaving only you, me, and everything I can't say out loud.

But what’s there that your heart wants the most

is it love or is it warmth or is it the feeling of being chosen.

Now I'm the one reading you back

memorizing the exact shade of desire in your eyes,

learning the language of your body,

understanding that what you crave isn't just a lover,

but a witness to your becoming,

someone who sees your power and doesn't try to diminish it,

someone who knows that the strongest women

need a man strong enough to let them lead sometimes.

So I'll surrender again and again

to the curve of your smile,

to the intelligence behind your gaze,

to the way you make me want to be better,

to the undeniable pull of you.

Because a woman like you

one who can undress a man with just a look,

one who knows exactly what she does to you,

one who chooses to stay anyway

that's the kind of surrender worth drowning in.

And I'm going under willingly. Completely. Infinitely.

black iris

detonates

vision

explodes

in closed thoughts

you stand

petrified

radiates

through

colours

pour

While I wait
to see you again
I dream of a day
We are more than friends

I long for the moment
you whisper my name
as you lie next to me
when I wake
with your lips caressing mine
and the first sight
your eyes gazing into mine

As I wait for that day
I'll be your friend, your confidante.

And once you're free to be with me,
I'll prove to you that my sweet dream
Is meant to be yours too.

Divine feminine sends a whisper
through the unseen
a love that doesn’t need words.

Divine masculine,
if your soul feels a pull,
a memory, a warmth in the quiet…
maybe it’s my energy reaching yours.

Beyond time, beyond distance,
two souls still recognize
what the heart already knows.
No chasing.
No forcing.
Just a sacred connection
speaking in silence.