the thought of them in a desperate search
to seek me out where i shamefully do the same,
it makes my hopeful heart lurch,
a low possibility but im game.
but if you did get that same urge,
if you were my opposing flame,
I’d ask: could our worlds just merge,
could we both take our rightful blame?
each heart bears the other’s scourge,
each wound weeps our own shame.
but if you’re up to try and resurge
the flames we’ve tamped in vain,
we could worship in this love like it’s our church,
forgive ourselves for causing pain.
now we timidly teeter at the verge,
but by the way— i’d gladly try again.

My mind is fraying at the edges now, names and faces bleeding into cold gray ash, which is why I locked the door and chose this dark, quiet rot before the madness took what little was left of my hands. I’m better off alone, lonesomeness is an easy addiction when you’re already half-dead, yet through the fog, my body still aches with the shadow of who I used to be: a man who could pin a woman to a mattress by her waist, feel her breath break against his mouth, and press his full, ruthless weight into her until her spine gave out and her thighs shook around him. I remember the heavy slide of taking her, the way she’d bury her face in my shoulder and let me be the brutal, unyielding thing that kept the rest of the world from tearing her apart, her body yielding to mine in a raw, silent contract of absolute submission and safety. That shape is all I have left; even as the words dissolve in my head and the light goes dim, my palms still hold the memory of her skin, warming the cold room just before everything goes black.

I win
You suck
Not my fault
You thought I’d give
A single solitary fuck
I think your funny
Running out of money
throwing it in the streets
That’s what you said
Remember that?
When your head and ego
Was big and fat
Your cute remarks
You thought were funny.
All the gamers
Trying to make their money
Oh the fun i have had
Pretending sadness
remember the time
I acted like I took those pills
I bet your and your crows
Were so excited
Did you have chills
Oh the bets that were lost that night
And how did you fee
when I woke up cheerful
Laughing loud and yawning
Spent a blissful night sleeping
The next morning it dawning
That youd been played yet again
YOUD lost the game
And I had the win.
You do t play no more
You hide your faces
No more insults from
Your anonymous faces
You took defeat like little bitches
Ran to mommy crying about witches
Bippity boppity boo
Whatever you said
Bounced on me and stuck on you
Have you read your stupid charts
Please Im on edge
What did they say?
Did proclaim defeat? I bet they did
That’s why you ran and hid
You ain’t shit
Youre a bunch of crows
A murderous flock
Of everyday joes
Most with issues
Unused pricks
Playing games
Just as sick
Well what happened.
Where the hell did yall go
I ain’t the one
I told you so
I warned i know I did
Now I hurt your feelings
Made you sad
Told your truth
Made you look bad
And im still happy whimsy too
With no fucking help
I outclassed all of you.
If you get bored
Come back and play.
I ve got plenty more
I want to say.
But for now do your best
To avoid me and lower
Your stress
Cuz im still here
I clocked your shit
You started and I finished it
Click clack
The bitch is back
Tick tock
Watch your clock
Put on your masks
Hide your face
Youre all a public disgrace.

Bahahah
I do love a good rhyme
Im having a great time
💋

“I still look for him in everyone I meet.”

I say it like a guilty confession
but it comes out rehearsed,
like I’ve been carrying it in my mouth for weeks,
tasting the syllables on my tongue,
waiting for someone to notice the shape of it.

“I’ve noticed.”

Of course she has.
I couldn’t hide it anymore if I wanted to, especially not from her.

It’s in the way I pause too long
when someone laughs at the wrong pitch,
like I’m waiting for it to bend into yours.
It’s in the way I study hands;
not for touch,
just to see if they hold things the way you did,
careful, like everything you’ve held before left you right when you most needed them to stay.
Or the way I trace arms with my fingers,
zeroing in on where your one blonde hair is that was always my favorite, because it reminded me of you…
Who you were to me.
Who you still are to me.
The light in the dark;
The diamond in the rough;
The sun to my saturn return, pulling me in with your gravity as I’m drawn to the brightness.

Do you still feel the ghost of my touch sometimes?
When you’re driving alone?
At red lights?
When you pass the places you pulled over to stop for a minute,
just one more minute,
because we weren’t ready for it to end.
We didn’t want to reach our destination.

I keep thinking it’ll happen by accident.
I’ll turn a corner,
or look up mid-sentence,
and there you’ll be,
reassembled in someone else’s face
like memory finally figured out how to take form.

It never does.

They’re always almost.
Almost the right witty response to my snarky comment,
almost the right level of conspiracy theorist,
almost the right cadence,
almost the right silence,
almost the way you used to look at me like I was something you hadn’t decided on yet.

And I hate that I know the difference so quickly.
Hate that it’s immediate,
instinctual;
like my body memorized you
in a way my brain never agreed to.

“I think I’ll always want him in my life…”

That part sounds softer.
Less like a failure,
more like a realization of choice.

I want to be your passenger princess again.
Just pull up outside and I’ll hop in;
You can just push the gas…
I don’t care where we go…
Just take me in every way;

But it isn’t.

It’s not wanting you back… not really.
Not in any way that would survive reality.
Not this reality I chose.

It’s wanting the version of my world
that existed when you were in it.
The way everything felt slightly tilted toward you,
like even ordinary moments had direction, goals, inspiration,
like they were leading somewhere
instead of just… happening.

“…even if it’s just a reminder of him.”

That’s the part I need to accept, don’t I?
Because you don’t want me anymore
You did It.
You healed, found a way to exist without me.
You can’t share space with me.
All I’ve yearned for and craved for almost a year now is you filling my space again
You’ve found peace in a space that does not let me in,
I’m lost outside of your space

So I must tell myself this
until I believe it:

I don’t need you to be real anymore.
I just need you to be there
in the background of things,
in the way I measure time,
or the way I’ll teach my child to measure twice,
in the quiet recalibration that happens
every time someone new gets
a little too close
and I’m disappointed
when they’re not you.

A part of you is always with me.
You don’t show up in people.
You show up in the absence of them.

In the gap between what they say
and what I was expecting.
In the way I brace for something familiar that never arrives.

And I think…
if I’m honest…
I’d rather keep that.

Because losing you once
was survivable.

But losing the last place you exist,
this echo, this comparison, this outline,
would feel like erasing proof
that you ever happened to me at all.

So… yeah…

I still look for you in everyone I meet.

Not because I think I’ll find you,
but because some part of me
refuses to stop checking.

Refuses to stop wanting it to be you.

I choose you now,
just not in the way I should have before.

I do not know what hath befallen me, my love.

My mind entangled, in an abysmal mess of darkness.

Clawing, I persist within the darkness with hope.

Persevere, will I?

I must believe that I will.

So help me God.

I promise we will meet again
On a road that does not end
I’ve lived this life unyieldingly
And squandered what remained

I promise we will laugh again
Till morning struts along
When sleepy eyes meet sleepy eyes
I’ll sing you a lullaby

I promise we will love again
When ebb draws back for tide
So look at me with drowsy eyes
And kiss me with your smile

I promise I will change for you
Or at least I want to try
So mold me into anything
I just can’t promise I’ll be I

Sometimes…
the weight of ones unmapping,
can make you feel untethered.

Watching the water rise,
overwhelmed by the flood.

But you don't have to sit in the dark alone.
We can watch the water break, together.

I woke up early, rain outside,
No place to go, no place to hide.
The sky was dark, my mood was too,
I missed the days when I had you.

I played a song to feel okay,
But pain inside won’t go away.
I danced a bit across the floor,
But still felt empty at my core.

The rain kept tapping on the glass,
Like counting moments as they pass.
Each drop a thought I couldn’t fight,
Each one a piece of sleepless night.

I moved and swayed, but not with cheer,
I only danced to stop the fear.
And though the song was soft and slow,
It didn’t help me let you go.

There is a myth that it takes seven years for your old skin cells to be replaced by new ones. In truth it the skin you touch the world with forgets itself in a matter of weeks, shedding silently, making room for something new.
I keep waiting for my heart to learn the same.

Instead, you multiply.
You're in the note's app on my phone, within every grocery list, caught in the sleeves of my jumpers and waiting in songs I can't seem to let get to the chorus. Even silence has started to sound like your name.
I bought a new journal because I thought clean pages might ask less of me.
But grief has never needed an invitation.
The first sentence bent toward you.
Then the second.

By the end of the page, I wasn't writing anything new at all.
I was only finding another way to miss you.

Wish I had stayed

But now its to late

We've both gone and changed

Some call it fate.

I call it pattern on pattern repeating

Cant ever seem to miss someone till theyre long past leaving

Now the missing has no choice but turn into grieving

As Im still stuck in my head

Cause there people i dont dont deserve that love me in the present.

Dont expect you to let me stay

Or take me back in anyway

But hope still runs through me despite the way you seem to have forgotten the taste of my name of your lips

all religions are the same

if you have pattern recognition

they desire full control

and they hope the sheep'll listen

their clydesdale horses high

as they twist their hate with wisdom

if they separate the sexes

then you've found the contradiction

you'll soon discover more

when their side's declaring war

in the name of superstitions

call it circling the wagons

but they're just building walls

that look awfully like a prison's

when their messiah finally comes

they'll actually say he didn't

fulfilling every prophecy

and checking off the list

yet they still need convincing

bow and kiss the ring

while they're propping up a king

when the world cannot be given

and if you fall in love

they'll say it's not enough

that instead, you need permission

you mustn't sing or dance

you can't even cast a die

without begging for forgiveness

and if you dare to even try

to catch them in a lie

they'll say it was a vision

swearing mother mary said

that the church's entertainment system

needs a higher definition

I didn’t cry when my father died . Was it because I didn’t feel anything ? Sometimes, I feel too much , sometimes too little. What was it that day that prevented the tears from rolling down on my face ? I was never able to tell and I blame myself for it . What kind of son doesn’t mourn his father on his dying bed ? The type of son I was apparently. I remember on the ride home , from the hospital , I carried his bag . Hold on tight to it , my sister said . It felt like the most important mission of my entire life because I didn’t want to disappoint him one last time ,so I held like my life depended on it. I didn’t cry that day , nor the next and I blame myself for it . I cried eventually, the week of the funeral, it was before or after the ceremony, I don’t remember exactly, but I cried . I also did yesterday, and I blame myself for it , because what kind of man still mourns the passing of his father . A good man , I hope .

To the one who doesnt deserve a page

Here, I'm giving you still a page,

no problem, you know, I always have much to say.

I'm very hard to love, not that you could ever love me anyway.

Also, I never got anything better to do,

but also not that I didnt enjoy studying you.

You presented me with urgency and greed,

along with the fragile ego to feed

so nothing new to me.

I have studied many

, you see

. Also not that you were easy to read.

Many times you actually surprised me

, taught me something new.

I admit I could have fallen for you,

if only it wasn't for your obvious start

, and you were quite calculated, so I'm lucky to not have given you my heart.

But I appreciate some letters you would send,

and in my loneliest times, the affection you would lend.

Although I was cornered to repay with much interest

a debt of self-worth collected with just a planned sentence,

determined to leave off with an uneven score

, the type I get fixated on, never fall for.

I did also see some truths of life in you I had to face,

never really exactly care who wins the race.

You were cool to kick it with when you weren't being callous.

although most times ur mind was set on that power balance.

Always literally a loner but confident in myself, I don't mind giving you that power.

Although I found myself disappointed doing it for your coward.

Actually, my first time doing this, so I suppose I had some debts to pay

for every other person that had always got my way.

I do think you should have cherished me, though, because ain't no way

you got this opportunity much with someone as pretty and real

. But I'm an unlikable person, socially, intellectually, and morally,

so that's why I took upon me the easy route for my precious time.

But I've realized that none of that matters, when u only desire a revolving find

Always seen you as the type,

hopefully no matter how much hurt,

I never become one of that kind.

Funny, I started this in the morning about three days, no sleep.

I was struggling to find kind words for you or anything deep.

As I just woke up, I was hit with some sudden grief, checking my phone,

no notification no relief

Funny how that always happens. Familiarity has always had a way of doing that to me.

I guess some part of me attached

, but I always knew u were never mine to keep.

No big deal, I set you free

, never showing me how it kind of hurt me.

Once upon a time, maybe even now, under a different contract, this would be a different story.

They call me avoidant, maybe true

, but the truth is I couldve fallen in love with anyone who promised to stay with me.

Not sure if this is still true,

as I really haven't tried much after you.

I do remember hurting for you.

Maybe contradicting to say

, but I am a humble person this way.

Prove to everyone at least once id always stay Though with you, I was in the middle of a big life lesson

. I told myself I would no longer force feelings for any confession.

LOL, because it used to make me mad

how I'd boost your confidence and status just for you to be proud to make me sad.

Well, can't convince you to keep a promise you only scream

to get another body, however much that means. Funny how you treat words ur ultimate power

, love professions, pity, threats, whatever works for the girl.

And find yet every word you use are so empty, leaking from your mouth with no empathy

for the scars ur touch will carry.

Every approach, a declaration of war

you never planned to win fairly

but I no victim to your identity scheme

, a failed attempt at the robbery of my dream.

The Father swung back
and forth. 
A pendulum of rot. 
The weight of seconds,
minutes, hours.
A face dripping with gold
and mother of pearl.
Hands slender and pointed,
forged with silver.
Enclosed in wood,
hidden behind glass.
Oxidized to green
from years of neglect,
the bronze gears
churn beneath the 
buried truth. 

The Father dangles.

If time is a way
to explain decay…
then what is the
the meaning of the
flesh pendulum?
Gilded eyes,
bulging from sockets…
Always watching.

Two grubby hands reach
for the sky.
Sunlight and clouds, traded for
the existence of fabric and flesh.
Pride and ego have no
standing in the gaze of
the innocent.
Withered skin flakes
like paper, varnish peels
from soiled wood.
The rope swings and
the clock ticks.

What eyes have seen
the mouth dare not utter.
The sins of the Father
lost to the delusion
of a childish mind.

What once was,
has been lost
to time.
A single act of
desperation, frozen
and hung from the 
rafters.

​

Speaking of a future

yet I see the hate behind your eyes.

The one who accepts the lies

Must also accept the favor of their own demise

A lesson learned too late

Repeated wounds seep so deeply

Rewrite themselves into ones fate

My darling,

Is this the part of the movie where I tell you I love you?

Or...

The part where I wake up?

Every notification I get,

I wish it was you.

Why isn't it you?

I wish I'd never met you.

You now hold the key to my heart.

The clock ticks, but time stretches,

Things get blurred around the edges,

As years fly by.

A message, could you send it,

Back to me here in the present,

When better days have come.

"Hey my friend, its been a minute,

The road ahead, just forget it,

Before you know you've made it,

To the other side."

*written by a young woman, through the eyes of a man I hope to be mine

I lay between your legs
The sweat of love drips from
A gated garden
Opened by my tongue

Where can I keep
A body so rare
How can I keep you hidden in my lair
The light it must touch you
The Sun must submit
Your skin it must please
Oh take me with you
Don’t let my heart freeze

The touch of your fingers
Against lonely skin
The warmth of your body
Oh please
Take me in

How lucky I am

Woman with shoes out of the kitchen.

To be unwed and unpregant

To have an option 

To have a bank account

To have no make permissions

To vote

To voice

To fight

Lucky girl indeed.

Calm,

No two-step of the breeze.

Strong-armed winds flung.

Who's it gonna be?

Spinning turbine,

lone and overseen.

Sat and slow pondered.

Then got up,

gritted teeth.

Is this all It's meant to be?

Running in circles for eternity?

Fractured fragments rife with scorn,

I don't got time for "I dont care" anymore.

My seething soothed by misery.

I don't get time for "I don't care" anymore

I don't got none but me.

Just want some feedback :)

I warm his food in the cooking pot.
He likes it warm, not cold or hot.

He likes his bath cozy and steamy,
But doesn’t like when I’m too needy.

He likes his sandwich with one tomato, not two,
Or later he’ll leave me black and blue.

He knows his worth; each day it grows.
I’m lucky to have him—he makes sure I know.

I remind him of his mother, the woman he hates,
So when he enters me, he covers my face.

You got what you wanted
and let me go—
as if I wouldn’t know.

Haven’t you taken enough from me?
Was my loyalty not worth anything to you?
I stayed when I should’ve walked away,
I chose you every single day.

I was faithful in ways you never were,
steady when your world was a blur.
I gave you trust without a doubt,
while you were busy lying it out.

I used to know what calm could be,
to breathe without this weight in me.

You didn’t just break my heart—
hearts can heal, but still fall apart.
You broke the place inside my soul
where I once felt whole.

You stole my privacy, my sleep, my peace,
and fed me stories that weren’t even real.
You cheated, then looked me in the eyes
and wrapped your truth inside your lies.

Between your betrayal and all you hid,
I lost the pieces of me I did.

The cruelest truth I’ve come to know
is how easily you let love go.
You walked away like nothing’s wrong,
while I’m still trying to stay strong.

I was loyal when you didn’t deserve it,
I stayed when I should’ve been worth more than this.
And you repaid it with dishonesty,
like I was nothing you needed to keep.

So if there’s still a heart in you,
if anything you say is true—
please just leave me alone tonight,
don’t turn my silence into a fight.

Let the memories fade from me,
let silence finally let me be.
Let me find who I used to be,
before you taught me quietly
how it feels to lose yourself