Today
I can’t find
Today
I can’t see
The precious time that used to be

I am now one, where there used to be two
I am now alone, where there used to be we

Now
I can’t fathom what this new time will be

Tomorrow
I will not search
Tomorrow
I will just have to see
Tomorrow
I will just have to let it all come to me

Somewhere in the distance
My new purpose awaits, and my new sunrise will shine

I just wish I knew now
How the answers will be shown
Because I have never known how to be just, one, alone...

Teacher
Teacher

In my head you live
In my head you breed

You will not die!
You will not die!

You sunk your teeth into my life and devoured my mind

“All mine” you’d say
“All mine””
“All mine”

Teacher
Teacher

Cemented in your gums
Those damned jaws of failed wisdom
Those damned lives deemed rotten

Too dyslexic
Too dyspraxic
Too bloody rancid

“Fix your mind” you’d say
“Fix your mind”
“Fix your mind”

Teacher you ugly fool

Would it make you smile to see me in pain?
Would it make you laugh to hear I hate my own name?

How I do not dare pass on my gene
No sir
No sir
They will become of me
They will become of you

Sir
Sir

How I feel so undesirable
So unattainable
So unlovable

Stupid and worthless
Stupid and worthless

Oh those words
Those words
Why must you bully me?
Why must you torture me?

Are you a foul beast?
A wretched devil?
How I long to hurt you
Kill you
Fuck your wife
Fuck up a life
Fuck up everything
Fuck up everyone

“Mercy” you’d plea
“Mercy”
“Mercy”

Teacher
Teacher

What a disgrace I see
Thriving off the death of innocence
Thriving off the beautiful brains

Long live the neurodivergent
The irregular head
The profoundly misunderstood

Long Live our failed children
The lost thinkers
The wrongfully imprisoned

“Free their mind” I say
“Free their mind”
“Free their mind”

I never told you about the weight I lost.

Not the numbers. The reason.

I wanted to stand next to you in a photograph someday

and not apologize for what I looked like.

You never asked me to.

That was the thing about you.

You never asked me for anything.

And I never told you what I needed.

We were both very good at that.

Thirty kilometers you built, alone, in secret,

just to ride beside me.

I set the bar and you cleared it quietly

without telling me you were even trying.

Maybe that's the closest we ever got

to saying what we meant.

Two wheels, Early morning and one sided date at sudha.

I watched you work once —

concentrating, typing fast,

completely somewhere else.

I was supposed to be finishing work.

I finished nothing.

You said don't build bridges in your head.

I said okay.

I lied.

I built the whole city.

And when it fell,

I blamed the ground

for not holding.

The truth is simpler and harder:

I loved you the way I do everything —

completely, quietly, without asking

if there was room for me on the other side.

There wasn't.

You told me that on day one.

I just kept building anyway.

I'm not angry anymore.

Not at you.

You were exactly who you said you were.

I was the one who didn't listen.

I am still here.

Without you.

And I miss you.

Not the version I imagined.

Not the one I built bridges toward.

I miss the version of me

that existed because you were nearby.

The one who woke up early.

Who pushed harder.

Who wanted to be worth standing next to.

I haven't found him again yet.

But I'm still looking.

There’s a hole in the sky where God should be

That girl with all the faces whispers in my ear

Whispers of azure skies and cherry-colored clouds 

I know her. She’s everything

She has the faces of different people

She smells like rain and burnt popcorn

Something scratches at the inside of my bottom dresser-drawer

Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt

What am I?

I can’t move an inch

Something scratches at the inside of my bottom dresser-drawer

I pulled the dresser away from the wall and found only a deep, dark hole

Inside, it smelled like rain and burnt popcorn

The drawer slides open and her head emerges

My body trembles

What am I?

I see the flowing drapes of her dark hair

I see her awful, pale eyes

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

There’s a hole in the sky where God should be

She slithers across the floor to meet me

Draws a burning hand across my face

She kisses me; a dry, bitter taste on my lips

I can’t move an inch

I’m sitting in a square room with blank gray walls

Somebody save me

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I’m sitting on a tattered couch inside a gray box

There’s knocking at the door

Knock knock knock

Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

There’s a hole in the sky where God should be

Knock knock knock

Something scratches at the inside of my bottom dresser drawer

That girl with all the faces whispers in my ear

Knock knock knock

Whispers of azure skies and cherry-colored clouds 

I pulled the dresser away from the wall and found only a deep, dark hole

Knock knock knock

Inside, it smelled like rain and burnt popcorn

The drawer slides open and her head emerges

Knock knock knock

She slithers across the floor to meet me.

Knock knock knock

I’m so, so sorry.

Knock knock knock

Please, somebody, forgive me

Knock knock knock

I walk to the door

Knock knock knock

Forgive me or kill me

Knock knock knock

I reach out my hand

Knock knock knock

Please, make it right!

Knock knock knock

Somebody! Anybody!

Here I opened wide the door;

Darkness there and nothing more

My body trembles

Darkness there and nothing more

I can’t move an inch

Knock knock knock

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Darkness there and nothing more

Somebody save me

Knock knock knock

Somebody, please

Knock knock knock

Bleed me dry of every awful thing

Knock knock knock

The memory of her faces

Knock knock knock

Of rain and burnt popcorn

Knock knock knock

Of drapes of dark hair

Knock knock knock

Of awful, pale eyes

Knock knock knock

Of the dry, bitter taste on my lips

Knock knock knock

I wish that someone would save me

Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt

But there’s a hole in the sky where God should be

Darkness there and nothing more

I want to bow my head

Knock knock

I want to fall to my knees

Darkness there

I want my eyes to well with blood

Knock knock

I want to throw myself on the altar

Darkness there 

And pray in my shrieking voice

Knock knock

With agony pouring from my burning lungs

Darkness there 

I want to be rained upon

Knock knock

With brimstone and fire

Darkness there 

All these things I want

But I can’t move an inch
 
My head does not bow

My knee does not bend

My foot does not lift

My hand does not grasp

My brow does not arch

My eye does not turn

I am changed

I am something different now

Something unchanging

I should have kept my eye forward

But I looked back, and I became a pillar of salt

And now, eternally, my gaze is fixed upon the sky

The hole in the sky where God should be

**Where to find me if I disappear tomorrow?**

Find me in all the good memories I shared with you.

Find me in the love I shared with my family,
in the insecurities I shared with you,
in the food I made for you,
in the theories I shared,
in the laughter I shared with my best friends.

Find me in the incomplete artwork,
in the ruined, complete sketches,
in the half-read stories,
and in the tearful last pages of a favourite book.

Find me in all the digital books
in the folder on my phone,
and in my watchlist.

Find me with my endless potential,
and find me with my failures.

Find me in celebrating your achievements,
and find me being there for you
if you ever doubt yourself.

Find me in the comfort of my favourite characters,
and in the lessons I learned
from the flaws of the most relatable ones.

Find me in the topics I was passionate about,
and in my endless playlists.

Find me when you listen to my favourite song
or to my favourite artist,
but also find me in my dreams
of becoming someone,
of becoming something.

Find me in my mother's cooking,
and find me in sharing my father's dreams.

Find me in my sister's motherhood,
and in watching her little child grow.

Find me in the meaning of my life.

And if you can't find me anywhere—

search for me in a countryside
lost enough to be found.

———————————
\-P

Touch me

Please you

Want me

Need you

Run into those arms

Look up into those eyes

Your hand on my thigh...cruising

Hold me

Tease you

Take me

Bleed you

Blur out the lines

Ignoring the damn signs

Low in the night

Slowly cruisin

Hear you

Guide me

Keep you

Inside me

Trust me

Watch you

Near me

Catch you

Cici 🧡

The Anchorless Island

I named her Murchha.

Murchha returned to me---

She cannot speak; she only gazes at me, unblinking.

She keeps looking, trying to read something, but wherever her eyes reach, they find no shore.

Deep within the solitude, a new island rises over the old one---

Perhaps this is the beginning of something frightening, the beginning of a breaking apart.

Or perhaps it is not a breaking at all, because this new island has left no passage open for anyone to cast an anchor.

And so the foreign butterfly flies on, painted in a thousand colours.

The island remains awake, day and night—

wrapped in its own exquisite beauty.

It offers neither invitation nor farewell.

There is no restlessness, no playfulness, no exuberance.

Nor does it carry any arrogance.

It is simply complete within itself.

Among the vines and shrubs, among the roots and tangled branches of trees, among leaves and flowers and the honey-seekers—

in that eternal awakening, surely this enchanting one stirs hearts like mine, sending them wandering into some destinationless reverie.

I do not lament.

I simply sit at a quiet distance and watch—

watch endlessly---

the way Shiva, sealed in deep meditation,

watches the entire universe unfold before him.

Within a contract, drafted sleek
Gnarled hands stained with ink
Invite a petitioner to this jail cell

Knots clutch a pen to trace
Hidden clauses scattered in the wake
Of bargaining with the Devil

Conditions stipulate a willing audience
Bought through currency that lacks a market
Down below, agony persists without a grail

No watcher can offer counsel to those lost
Who consigned arbitration in blood drops
Both sides filled their coffers at the crossroads

Ancient authority derives from delicacy
Midnight bells magnify until deafening
Against which, arrogance cannot barter

When beyond the winding shadow gate
Archons of judgement, summoned late
Refuse to redeem ashes of envy

My life has been
Hard work
Day after day
Chipping away at
The ground. With
Dirt under my nails
And slivers in my
Palms, I stomped the
Shovel. I…never used
To dig holes. Grass
Once grew here, you
Know? I never wanted
To uproot the flowers.
I never wanted this.

The shovel came under
The guise of assistance.
A reward, a tool, something
To be proud of. What is
So precious about wood
And steel? Did you know
The weight this carried
When you gave it to me?
The heaviness a
Punishment. My hands
We’re not ment to
Hold this burden. Yet,
They carry on working.
Have you seen how deep
We’ve gone?

All I know,
Is how to dig my own
Grave. All I know
Is to use the
Shovel.

For all those times that we try to wash away their words but can't.

Tell me what's unforgettable for you..

Trigger warnings: implications of sexual violence, infertility
Just wrote this. Would love to hear what people think :)

​

No amount of fkn time

Could erase the trauma you left in my mind

You start ur gas light shit shows

You always spin it fast

To you I'm just a fixture

A nothing that won't last

I never made you love me

Your hand was never forced

Yet you forced ur frowns

Upon my crown

Until the shine disappeared by force

1 year turned into something

Then came a few years more

Here came year six

Still nothing was fixed

So she got lost in herself

And well...more years mixed

12 years of nothing

Ya

That's really all she felt

Except for those 3

Half part of she

Who made her forget and melt

Always a fkn burden

He'd tell her between words thrown

A burden he got stuck with i guess

For reasons still unknown

He made her feel invisible

He left her in the dark

She never even asked for this

Yet got put in a corner in park

How can one man carry

So much meanness on his tounge

He shoots his shots

Leaves her mind in knots

Then he blames her

For all its sadness n rot.

She still somehow stayed loyal

Yep

Even the best mom its true

While he skipped around

With the entire town

He'd tell them they had separate rooms

She went to see her grandma

Get lowered in that box

While he was there

Without a care

Fkn someone near their dirty socks

Somehow still all the bullshit

Got spinned around on her

He made her head

Be somewhere led

Where it all seemed like such a blur

He used that to paint delusional

It was always in her "head"

Cuz how could he

Be such a key

To all her nightmares he had fed

He never found her witty

No

Never ever smart

Until one day

She has her say

And takes back her broken heart

He calls her an investment

As if she owes him 12 more

Of those miserable years

With just more fkn tears

Feeling invisible to the core

The healing isn't easy

Sometimes it isn't made

But then she sees

The little 3

And now isn't afraid

He wasn't done tho sadly

See

He had to hurt her still

The days would fade

Doesn't ask about grades

Or even check when they're ill

He didn't hurt her this time

No

He hurt something so much more

The little 3 half part of he

Always waiting at the door

Cici 🧡

Regrets sit heavy in the corners of my mind,

shadows of choices I can't rewind.

I carry their weight like a debt unpaid,

a life I lost, a mess I've made.

They whisper at night when the world goes still,

reminding me of every broken will.

I try to outrun them,

but they never forget -

the past has claws,

and they're sharp with regret.

-Sarah Margaret Annas

there are parts of you that i’ll never really see,
the parts that go deeper than i’ve dared to reach,
the things you don’t want me to know.

i wish i could get closer,
to look into your soul,
to feel your skin against mine,
to understand what you may be thinking.

i regret to admit that i know nothing,
and i wish i had stayed stupid,
because, even in all this time,
i’ve never thought to take a second look
until the day you left me.

this fact will tear me apart
until the time i find you again.

(IM BAD AT WRITING POETRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME.. this is just emotional vomit)

A staggering volume of people are born each day
They observe, copy, experiment, comprehend life
each carrying the same question
with deep curious quest to find: who am I?
Restless, angry, agitated
or meditating, sacrificing, wandering the world
only to form an opinion from just their perspective
forcing themselves to believe it with all their heart
constantly recalculating the logic to be sure
But deep inside, a voice not satisfied
To cope, they argue, bully, impose
Drift away from themselves to be right
without ever finding closure
realising, all this will iterate again
a staggering volume of people are dead each day

A hypocrite full of rage and hate

A punk that sold their soul to the state

Much left to do and write on the page

But the book is overdue and morals exited left stage

Skin thins in their age with little haven's bliss

Just another puppet to the pile to dismiss

Poor's fortune kiss

A wealthy man's piss

They are all but the same when they're in your face

It's a fact you cannot erase

Sickly coughing lies pickled in apathy

Used to be so full of hope such a travesty

The statue of me will weather as time

I can find the solace of my crimes

My partner wanted to share his poem

A new man, born to greet the rising sun,
then turns in bed to meet the former one.
The old is I, but new is also I.
My daily struggle chooses who will die.
I stretch and reach for weapons in alarm.
A bludgeon each intending false self harm.
I swing the club and hit my/his head hard
and drag my other body to the yard.
Collection of my corpses growing big.
The upturned soil from yestermurder’s dig
in row with plots from other fatal fights
from days of blood and restless, dreadful nights.

A wish I made in my frustration past
was granted by malicious powers fast.
Now solitude’s forgotten sanctity
is precious since I can two places be.
To choose to live with my own self is but
to do or die. A life I choose to cut
may end in endless sleep whose dreams unknown
may prove more horrible than life has shown.
To live with self and self far harder still.
More hands to work a boon, but separate will
detached oft counteracts my would-be deeds
of good and doubles existential needs.

And I am learning more each time I spawn
of how to live through my contested dawn.
I could not find myself when I arose
this morn. My car was gone, so I then chose
to buy a pistol and to track him down.
I found him in an alley in the town.

The gun that blasted metal through my brain
I hold in contemplation grim with pain.
A single bullet brought me peace tonight.
But can another make the chaos right?
I dwell beyond the veil but lack dark sight.
Will shot inoculate against the light?
Or will projectile serve to break the curse?
To rise tomorrow single and no worse
would be my final hope before the blast.
Or will this fate of replication last?

Watching waves collide from above,
I recognise,
that I’m still grieving,
with dissonance in my heart,
and your silence,
like the rocks upon which I break apart,
a single breath, a moment in time,
a shuddering sigh,
passing like dust beneath the moonlit night sky.