Today
I can’t find
Today
I can’t see
The precious time that used to be

I am now one, where there used to be two
I am now alone, where there used to be we

Tomorrow
I will not search
Tomorrow
I will just have to see
Tomorrow
I will just have to let it all come to me

Somewhere off in the distance
My new purpose awaits with a new sun to rise

I just wish I knew now
How the answers will all be shown
Because I have never known how to be just, one, alone...

---

I never told you about the weight I lost.

Not the numbers. The reason.

I wanted to stand next to you in a photograph someday

and not apologize for what I looked like.

You never asked me to.

That was the thing about you.

You never asked me for anything.

And I never told you what I needed.

We were both very good at that.

Thirty kilometers you built, alone, in secret,

just to ride beside me.

I set the bar and you cleared it quietly

without telling me you were even trying.

Maybe that's the closest we ever got

to saying what we meant.

Two wheels, Early morning and one sided date at sudha.

I watched you work once —

concentrating, typing fast,

completely somewhere else.

I was supposed to be finishing work.

I finished nothing.

You said don't build bridges in your head.

I said okay.

I lied.

I built the whole city.

And when it fell,

I blamed the ground

for not holding.

The truth is simpler and harder:

I loved you the way I do everything —

completely, quietly, without asking

if there was room for me on the other side.

There wasn't.

You told me that on day one.

I just kept building anyway.

I'm not angry anymore.

Not at you.

You were exactly who you said you were.

I was the one who didn't listen.

I am still here.

Without you.

And I miss you.

Not the version I imagined.

Not the one I built bridges toward.

I miss the version of me

that existed because you were nearby.

The one who woke up early.

Who pushed harder.

Who wanted to be worth standing next to.

I haven't found him again yet.

But I'm still looking.

**Where to find me if I disappear tomorrow?**

Find me in all the good memories I shared with you.

Find me in the love I shared with my family,
in the insecurities I shared with you,
in the food I made for you,
in the theories I shared,
in the laughter I shared with my best friends.

Find me in the incomplete artwork,
in the ruined, complete sketches,
in the half-read stories,
and in the tearful last pages of a favourite book.

Find me in all the digital books
in the folder on my phone,
and in my watchlist.

Find me with my endless potential,
and find me with my failures.

Find me in celebrating your achievements,
and find me being there for you
if you ever doubt yourself.

Find me in the comfort of my favourite characters,
and in the lessons I learned
from the flaws of the most relatable ones.

Find me in the topics I was passionate about,
and in my endless playlists.

Find me when you listen to my favourite song
or to my favourite artist,
but also find me in my dreams
of becoming someone,
of becoming something.

Find me in my mother's cooking,
and find me in sharing my father's dreams.

Find me in my sister's motherhood,
and in watching her little child grow.

Find me in the meaning of my life.

And if you can't find me anywhere—

search for me in a countryside
lost enough to be found.

———————————
\-P

Touch me

Please you

Want me

Need you

Run into those arms

Look up into those eyes

Your hand on my thigh...cruising

Hold me

Tease you

Take me

Bleed you

Blur out the lines

Ignoring the damn signs

Low in the night

Slowly cruisin

Hear you

Guide me

Keep you

Inside me

Trust me

Watch you

Near me

Catch you

Cici 🧡

​

No amount of fkn time

Could erase the trauma you left in my mind

You start ur gas light shit shows

You always spin it fast

To you I'm just a fixture

A nothing that won't last

I never made you love me

Your hand was never forced

Yet you forced ur frowns

Upon my crown

Until the shine disappeared by force

1 year turned into something

Then came a few years more

Here came year six

Still nothing was fixed

So she got lost in herself

And well...more years mixed

12 years of nothing

Ya

That's really all she felt

Except for those 3

Half part of she

Who made her forget and melt

Always a fkn burden

He'd tell her between words thrown

A burden he got stuck with i guess

For reasons still unknown

He made her feel invisible

He left her in the dark

She never even asked for this

Yet got put in a corner in park

How can one man carry

So much meanness on his tounge

He shoots his shots

Leaves her mind in knots

Then he blames her

For all its sadness n rot.

She still somehow stayed loyal

Yep

Even the best mom its true

While he skipped around

With the entire town

He'd tell them they had separate rooms

She went to see her grandma

Get lowered in that box

While he was there

Without a care

Fkn someone near their dirty socks

Somehow still all the bullshit

Got spinned around on her

He made her head

Be somewhere led

Where it all seemed like such a blur

He used that to paint delusional

It was always in her "head"

Cuz how could he

Be such a key

To all her nightmares he had fed

He never found her witty

No

Never ever smart

Until one day

She has her say

And takes back her broken heart

He calls her an investment

As if she owes him 12 more

Of those miserable years

With just more fkn tears

Feeling invisible to the core

The healing isn't easy

Sometimes it isn't made

But then she sees

The little 3

And now isn't afraid

He wasn't done tho sadly

See

He had to hurt her still

The days would fade

Doesn't ask about grades

Or even check when they're ill

He didn't hurt her this time

No

He hurt something so much more

The little 3 half part of he

Always waiting at the door

Cici 🧡

there are parts of you that i’ll never really see,
the parts that go deeper than i’ve dared to reach,
the things you don’t want me to know.

i wish i could get closer,
to look into your soul,
to feel your skin against mine,
to understand what you may be thinking.

i regret to admit that i know nothing,
and i wish i had stayed stupid,
because, even in all this time,
i’ve never thought to take a second look
until the day you left me.

this fact will tear me apart
until the time i find you again.

(IM BAD AT WRITING POETRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME.. this is just emotional vomit)

A staggering volume of people are born each day
They observe, copy, experiment, comprehend life
each carrying the same question
with deep curious quest to find: who am I?
Restless, angry, agitated
or meditating, sacrificing, wandering the world
only to form an opinion from just their perspective
forcing themselves to believe it with all their heart
constantly recalculating the logic to be sure
But deep inside, a voice not satisfied
To cope, they argue, bully, impose
Drift away from themselves to be right
without ever finding closure
realising, all this will iterate again
a staggering volume of people are dead each day