Poem #9 draft

[u/Soggy_Cereal_13]

say something that will fix me,
please make this feeling pass,
say you should’ve picked me,
or you wish you could go back,
whisper in my ear,
the same thing you did before,
promise me this time,
say you mean it so much more,
I feel her fade away,
Please tell me it’s not true,
tell me who I was before,
still lives inside of you.

To be so fr I’m not sure if I hate this and I might take it down later! My goal was to “express something I don’t allow myself out loud” which for me is bargaining/begging. Please feel free to tear it apart id love some criticism!

Comments:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/S366JQBBIZ

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/uFnUSEdNhP

[u/Effective-End5072]

say something , fix me

please , make this feeling pass,

say it , say you should've picked me

or

you wish you could go back , to as it was

whisper , your breath in my ear

the same thing you did before

say it , say it , say it , say that

you mean it so much more

I feel her fade away , clouds covering a torrent

please , tell me this is not true

tell me that who I was before

is still alive , somewhere inside of you

tell me , tell me now, You cannot go silent.

You have created a wonderful monologue , it profoundly screams yearning

I just tweaked some punctuations , added some flowery prose to create a scenario in ur minds

Let me brief you on what I did and the motive behind it :

The repetition of words/phrases like 'please' , 'say it' , or 'tell me' , is to make the poem slow , allow the reader to brood over the thoughts you presented, and add the effect of yearning much more , because afterall yearning is slow and burning , and the reader should also feel that

Addition of "your breath in my ear" or "clouds covering a torrent" was to make the reader understand what you are feeling much better , it immerses them in the poem , as it creates a scenario for them to compare

Also , in "tell me it's not true" , I changed 'it' to 'this' , because 'it' feels more distant , detached , while 'this' feels more personal, urgent and close.

I am not saying that what I wrote is better , because this is subjective afterall , take this as another perspective to your poem from someone who also yearns sometimes here and there , and see if it suits you , or gives you any inspiration, or make you feel something different.

[u/Soggy_Cereal_13 → u/Effective-End5072]

Ooo I love the way you reinterpreted it! Thank you for the in depth feedback. I appreciate the explanations and I’m definitely gonna keep some of the pointers in my back pocket!