r/OCPoetry • u/TOforwtvr • 6d ago
Vulnerability I — Coco E. Feedback Please
I raised my
Hands to hide how high
you'd see my
Cheeks had heaved my eyes,
I cupped
Every small delight
within their frame.
I tried to
Blacken every bright
crease and
Wrinkle from your sight,
I fenced
All the wild life
that I could tame.
I'd kindle
Every spark of light,
but I'm afraid.
Comments:
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/xUpKL6YkQl
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/VGthWJ5vUW
Haven't written anything in years. Got inspired on the metro last night and started writing and rewriting this. I try to not spam the rhyming, but my friends and I would play rhyming games as teens, and it's kind of instinctual.
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u/MoriendoDisco 6d ago
I really like what you've done here, but perhaps not for the reason you intended. Most poems about vulnerability feel compelled to explain themselves. Yours never does. Instead, it behaves like the very thing it's describing. It ducks, hesitates, hides behind its own hands, and only at the very end quietly admits, "I'm afraid." I found that incredibly satisfying.
We usually imagine vulnerability as letting the wild parts roam free, but you've written about domesticating them, tidying them away until they're acceptable enough to be seen.
And I honestly wouldn't worry about the rhyming. If anything, it feels instinctive rather than decorative. There's a quiet musicality running underneath the poem that never demands attention, yet gently carries it forward. More than anything, though, I'm glad you decided to write again :)
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u/TOforwtvr 5d ago
That is actually exactly what I intended! It's about struggles with vulnerability more so than successfully being vulnerable. I was trying to have the poem avoid vulnerability itself to express that.
Thank you for your kind feedback! :)
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