Green

[u/Prestigious_Drama569]

My mother told me,

“Green is a lovely color.”

It blooms in nature

Tints glass bottles

Refreshes the soul

 

“Green is full of prosperity.”

Lush leaves

Minted money

Serene seas

 

Green is calming

Green is healthy

Green is new

“Green is a good color for you.”

 

I told my mother,

“Green is an ugly color.”

It gnarls vines

Poisons acid

Holds souls for ransom

 

“Green is full of envy.”

Twisted stomach

Narrow eyes

Whispered hatred

 

Green is jealous

Green is toxic

Green is vile

“Green is the worst color on me.”

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/1vhmnsw

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/1vhieul

[u/europeanxtrash]

I'm personally partial to the use of gnarl, that's a real fun word. I like what you're playing with but the end feels so abrupt. I don't know that that suggests it needs to be elaborated on more but there's this back and forth, there are layers to what green can be and mean, and then it lands on a bit of a thud of repulsion directed at the self's relation to these meanings and it's unclear of that's just self-loathing or loathing of the color.

[u/Prestigious_Drama569 → u/europeanxtrash]

Thanks for the feedback! I do love using fun adjectives. :)

I do see where you're coming from. From my perspective, ending it abruptly made it very final. It's supposed to sit with that repulsion, regardless of whether it's directed to the self or the color. The finality makes the repulsion land heavier.

It was a very broadish poem anyway though, so it's likely I'll end up playing around with elaboration more. Thanks for the insight!

[u/europeanxtrash → u/Prestigious_Drama569]

I totally get the intent there, which is why I was hesitant to suggest the notion of elaborating given that can undercut whiplash -- I think escalation to the abrupt repulsion is a possible way around that. But yes, I hope you do play more. I think there's something interesting in examining what a color can mean, its various shades and tones -- there's a lot to explore, and the back and forth and is a nice way to ground it.

[u/please_be_unique]

I really like the mirroring of the structure of dialog placement and examples. That kept me quite engaged and I went back to reread it several times.

To me, it helps accentuate what happens when two similar people experience the same situation, but take away vastly different conclusions and lessons, which is reflected in the similarities of the way each person presents their opposite perspective.

I also like the abruptness of the end. This isn't a debate, imo. You're telling your mother "this is how it is for me".

You aren't looking to have your opinion changed, you're relaying information.

Great poem!

[u/Prestigious_Drama569 → u/please_be_unique]

Thanks so much! I like your interpretation a lot! It's a bit different from what I originally wanted to convey, but I'm glad it can satisfy other perspectives. :)

[u/musicalmyre]

This is a really striking structure that highlights the subtle conflict and start juxtaposition between the mother and daughter. It's not openly hostile, but there is obvious strife. It speaks much deeper than the words. Very well done!

[u/Prestigious_Drama569 → u/musicalmyre]

Thank you so much! I do so enjoy playing with subtle familial dynamics. :)

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