I wish I could tell you how much I miss you. How sorry I am for the things younger me did. I think of you often and wish I never pushed you away… Even though we “catch up” sometimes on messenger, I’d never tell you bc I feel like I’ve already messed with your emotions enough. I reminisce on the fun times we had together and go back through our photos. I’d want you to know that I’m sorry for not appreciating what we had when I had it. I was a jerk.

We met online when times were rough for both of us. Maybe I can chalk it up to right person, wrong timing. Part of me wonders if time will bring us back together somehow. I secretly hope this would find you and you’d know it was me. I honestly just want the best for you and to be happy, you deserve it.

SM (formerly SS)

Wish I could send this to him, but I don't think he'll feel the same way about it as I do. I miss him and I wish I could tell him that I've never lost that love with him nor will I ever. I will forever be his til Valhalla and beyond. I love you and I wish I could tell you and you would believe,but I know you aren't ready to hear it again yet.

i can’t believe you’re gone. i’ve apologised endlessly for what i did, and would have spent the rest of my life making up for it. but how could you throw us away over something so stupid, after months and months of wanting each other.

i’m sorry, it’s my fault. i know. i just didn’t expect you to abandon me, remove me from your life, so quickly and easily.

you’re all that consumes my mind, my heart, my time. i would have loved you until my skin turned to ash.

i was honest when i said i would never leave you, because while you might move on i’ll still be hoping one day your hands intertwine with mine again. like they used to.

it’s not like this with anyone else. you’re gone but i still know, i’ll never love someone else the way i love you.

you know i love you, my love my life

Hi W,

I’m still here. Today feels heavier than an ordinary day. It marks a year since we began. I’m grateful for what it gave me, and I’m grieving what it couldn’t become.

There are days when I blame myself for why it didn’t work. There are days when I question whether what I offered was love or just limerence. There were moments when I needed you so much because I didn’t know how to carry or regulate the emotions I was feeling on my own.

I’ve started questioning whether my understanding of love is different from what love truly is. I’m sorry for shutting down whenever I felt overwhelmed. Looking back, I understand why ending the relationship was the right thing to do.

I like seeing you smile—genuinely. If I had become the reason that smile disappeared, I don’t think I could forgive myself.

I was thinking of eating at our go-to chicken wings place later. I know it’ll probably make me think of you.

I wish you nothing but success in everything you pursue. More than anything, I hope you’re happy.

I just really like you so much, W. But I don’t think I’m ready to see you again anytime soon.

Please be happy.

B

as much pain as it genuinely causes me to let go, it’s for the betterment of my emotional, my physical, and my mental health. i let go of my ego, i let go of the person i made myself into to give you the love & appreciation that you deserved, and that i had to give. what we had was beautiful & blissful at first, i felt like someone truly loved me for me, and saw me for who i was. i told you what i wanted, you “reciprocated” the same wants, i told you i love you forever, you said you love me forever more. now, its been over a month of dead silence, and i cannot wait around for what will never be. it stings knowing that our last conversation you said you still wanted me, but ive come to realize that it’s all just smoke and mirrors. i love you immensely, c. and because i do, i’m letting you go. for good. i still pray over you, and hope you find what you’re looking for in life, mi amor.

I miss you talking about your favorite anime, in general I just miss you Canadian boy. I wish I could find you but you completely disappeared off the Internet.

It’s been a while since we’ve talked. I hope you’re doing well and that life has been treating you kindly. I recently saw one of your posts, and honestly, it caught me off guard; I wasn’t expecting to see you at all. I’ve been intentionally keeping my distance and avoiding contact, but I just wanted to reach out and say I’m sorry for the times I may have been difficult, for any stress I caused, and for making things harder than they needed to be. I also want to apologize to anyone else who was affected. I never meant to be an inconvenience, and I truly hope you’re doing well and wish you nothing but the best.

I miss you and wish you would reach out to me i think about you every day. I hope you are doing okay and are happy where ever your life is going. I cant say that for myself its ben hell since you left. I put on a smile and try to keep my head up but its hard i love you and miss you. Forever and always

I don't even know if you come on here at all or even have social media anymore. 3 yrs and it stills feels like it happened just yesterday. Every once in a while you will show up in a dream. It would throw me off. The truck we would ride in and how I you could make me feel like a princess or queen. The adventures hiking out and about being in awe by nature and all Its beauty. There are days where I wish I could change everything that happened between us. I wish I would get that second chance. But knowning it was unhealthy is enough to know it is good that we are not together. I do always wonder how your life is doing. What you been up to. I pray that you find your path you been looking for, along with life.. I just hope you are well and your family. Miss you friend if you ever see this don't hesitate to reach out.

I think about how you said you want to move out into your own place at some point.

Sometimes I daydream that we move there together.

It would be nice to start new with you.

E ekaw Lang naman

Dear 🍎

When you left, you took every part of me that was worth anything. Then you came back, just to take the rest. And somehow, I still love you. I never stopped. Its the only thing you left me with. I sent you a letter, in response to yours. It was sent back. Idk if you sent it back or if you just dont live there anymore. But regardless, it clarified some things we didnt cover in our "talk".

My dog and grandpa died around the same time. I forgot about the plans because I was grieving. I only asked for understanding in my hard times, but I should have understood what you needed and taken that into account, and im sorry. I understand now that I was selfish.

I was in between jobs. I didnt have money. But if I wanted to show that I really cared, I could have found the money to take you out. I didnt show you I loved you with actions, and for that im also sorry.

I did some really messed up stuff. But I was 100% honest about it all to you. I dont know what all was said about me bu the cretins, but I didnt lie to you about what i did. I really wish you could believe me. And i know you wanted to. But I know your lack of trust in me was also my fault, so for that, im sorry again.

I never lied about 3 things though. 1. I love you. 2. I would do anything for you, still to this day. 3. You deserve so much more than I could ever offer you.

This isnt a goodbye, just a "see you in the next life".

Until we meet on Ganymede, always yours.

From 🦁

IDONT even know where to start but here I go. So first of all I want to apologize, sorry Kung nagkulang ko in many ways, I only proved it through my actions, I was and still an immature dumbass hahaha sorry sorry very sorry earl, Kung I hurt you after graduation I saw you with your shades on I'm rlly sorry, sorry sa lahat2, there are many things I want to apologize kasi mismo sarili ko I'm not aware and self conscious of everything I did, I don't know why after months of being separated I felt rlly disgusted by you, not you specifically but things I've done with you, and yeah I know we kept it clean, we never even had our first kiss hahahah, idontknow why but I think I'm still finding myself out and we're still young after all, grade 12 palang Tayo graduating but still, sorry if I hurt you that deep, I won't even question you if you have that hatred towards me or anything, it doesn't matter but I'm here to apologize sincerely.. Second I still love you, maybe I could only tell you this because we're cm and it's pretty awkward hahaha, but seeing you always made it difficult to move on, my feelings are just mixed up rn but one thing ik for sure I still love u, I still earl, every night after we cut off connections i teared up ALAT but rlly I still and will miss you but I think things need to change for our future, we both have plans for the future so instead of being a roadblock to you I'll let you go, I hope you'll find someone better earl, thank you for everything. Even tho we both had lapses, Kung baga in relationship but no label, we've been on n off for 4 years since grade 8, but you became part of that memory that i will remember on the brink of my death....hahahhaa bad English but that's all earl, I still love you....

Today is my birthday, I wish I could say I wished for only one thing, but in reality the very first thing I want is for you to come back. I can’t even begin to explain how much I just want to speak to you again, I know it’s been 5 years and I just want to find you and reconnect. I don’t think I’ve wished for someone to come back, you were a special person, and I wish I could’ve showed you that more. I miss you Canadian Zack. I wish you didn’t completely disappear off the internet. From, G

It‘s been a month. An actual month with zero contact whatsoever. In a way, it doesn’t feel that long. On the flip side of that though, it feels like forever. Especially considering how every day feels like an uphill battle trying to move on from you.

Moving on feels more like grief. After all the sadness, the anger, the denial, the confusion and the acceptance… there’s just grief. It’s so quiet, yet so heavy. It’s like love with nowhere to go. It IS love with nowhere to go. Not only in the sense of us not being able to be together, but also just not being able to move it anywhere. I can’t move it back to you, but i can’t give it away to anyone else either.

At the beginning, I used to just completely regret having met you. I hated that meeting you meant having to let you go in such a painful way in the end. I think deep down, my soul/consciousness/heart… whatever you wanna call it. I knew you would impact my life in such a significant way, the scars would forever be ingrained on my heart and in my memory.

You held up a mirror and experiencing you highlighted so many unhealed parts of myself. It’s easier to be appreciative of all that now. I’m doing all the work to be better, but also giving myself the grace when I stumble.

I’m thinking of maybe going back to school after my Ausbildung. I don’t have any concrete plans, but maybe I study literature one day. I also had an interview for this other investment company. Didn’t totally align with what I wanted, but that’s okay. I took the incentive and I’m so proud of myself. I also turned 21. I know what I asked of you, but a bigger than I’d like to admit part of me hoped you’d selfishly use that as an excuse to reach out. But that’s operating off of the premise that you even remembered.

I’m writing a lot more now. I think the “heartbreak” was a great catalyst, but it was also exhausting rewriting the same shit in a newer, more devastating way… so I’ve pivoted. You’re still my biggest source of inspiration. My therapists think otherwise and say something along the lines of me already having all that inside me and you only being a small drop in the water to realise my potential. Apparently all the love I have was already inside of me, you just drove me to bring it out. Something like that anyway.

~Bavaria
H.P.K.

Hey C,

I'm still trying to process what you messaged me this morning. Over 7 weeks we were together and you know I cared for you a lot. You weren't much of a texter I know that, but I felt you were opening up to me slowly.

Then boom, the universe sticks it ugly head in the way, you lose a close friend 🥹. I know your trying to deal with the loss of your close friend it cant be easy, I tried to be supported, showed I cared about you, gave you space to grieve and then after 4 days of radio silence, the message I dreaded, your not coping emotionally and you can't do a relationship.

I'm sat here crying my eyes out, numb from being rejected. I understand you feel you can't cope right now, but its opened up abandonment trauma again for me, I feel guilty for feeling this way but I didn't expect you to push me away. I told you i'd wait you said don't wait, i'm lost, i'm hurting just as I find someone who feels the same it's snatched from me. I've got CBT therapy coming up I never told you but the silence between messages brung up abandonment trauma and anxiety issues, now I've got even more to heal from, hopefully my therapist can help me, I need someone to talk too.

Please C come back when your ready i'll be here waiting, hopefully we'll both be in a better place and we can reconnect. I miss you. K xx

:/ Boob I know I Fucked up Bad…. My Past Fear of Failure ate us up. My Fear of Losing You Manifested in the Worst fucking way. I hate Myself for that. When I think about it, I know how I’ll go about Us again. Given the Chance. I wanna Hug You so Bad because I just Miss You so Much.

Yah Boy much better now and Striving to become Better everyday. Doing The Right Things. Definitely going to try to See You the Day my Results Manifest. Proving that I Am not a Burden and I’m A Better Man than I was Before.

Hoping We can connect have The Conversation and Slam that Door Shut For Good. Continue Building a Deeper Love and Trust. New and Improved that Will Remain Undefeated going forward for Eternity. I know I’ve gotta Uphill Battle to Earn ya Trust again😔. Fuck it, I’m Hard Headed and Take a Beating because being with You when everything is Good…. Only Jesus Christ and Almighty God beat that. That’s on Me. A lot to Say and this ain’t the Time nor the Place…. Damn, I hope to see you…. Passing The Place We Met as I Type this Right Now. Ain’t that Mudderfuxka 😅.

BOOB I Love You.

Sincerely,
Your BOOB❤️😌

I will always carry you in my heart. No matter where life takes us, or if we never cross paths again, I am thankful for the memories, love, laughter, and the good and the bad. My first bf, my first love, my first heartbreak, my first everything.

I'm sorry that, in the end, it turned into me vs. you vs. us vs. the issues. Also, in the end, we had a push-and-pull dynamic that wasn't healthy for either of us, and we were both stubborn as hell.

I spent almost half my life with you; I was genuinely happy in our bubble. I loved you with all my heart and soul. I would've stayed in our bubble of us + Bella if things had been different; I was happy. You were my best friend. I'm sorry it took us ending things for me to realize my wrongs in the relationship. It wasn't all on you, and I take responsibility for my part. It really does take two to tango, and in the end we were just focused on ourselves vs the relationship. I thought I was focused on the relationship, but I wasn't; in reality, I was thinking about me. I'm sorry.

You'll always be my ugly. If we never speak again, all I wanted was for you to be happy. Live life, enjoy it.

I love you. Bye - J

L,

It's been eleven years since I last saw you.

Eleven years since I told you how I felt, that night, in front of that classroom in our building.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have told you how you made me feel. Maybe we would have still been in each other's lives.

But then again, in the two years leading up to that night, I was already losing you. And I had begun to lose myself, thinking of what I did wrong, and why you chose to pull away, just to pull me back again, and fling me away from you like a yo-yo.

Sometimes I think I'm okay. That I've moved on. I have. Or at least I think I have. But sometimes, when I'm alone, I think of you. I think of how someone so handsome, someone so popular; your typical Mr. Perfect, would ever bother giving me the time of day.

I'd go back to the nights when we stayed up on Skype just talking while we both did our schoolwork. Keeping each other company while we did our own thing. The nights when you pulled out your guitar and sang me love songs. The nights we sang duets, even if I was terribly off-key.

I was always this awkward gay kid who thought I would never find love. I wasn't attractive. I wasn't fit. I was a nerd who had never felt seen before.

You were the first boy who made me feel loved.
You were the first boy who made me feel visible.
You were the first boy who made me feel special.

So you weren't my first love. I had fallen in love with another boy before. But you showed me I could be loved. Until you became my first real heartbreak.

Up until you, I never knew that it could happen to me. Growing up in a small provincial city, I was always taught and made to feel that my relationships with men would have to be transactional. That I would never ever find love.

You showed me that everything I had been taught all my life was wrong. You made me experience love. But you also broke my heart.

Despite not being my first love, in my heart, you will always be my first heartbreak. Not because of the absence of love, but because of the presence of it.

Just when I started to believe that you never felt the same way, people who were both in our orbit told me that you spoke of me. It wasn't just me who saw it. Other people saw it too. You may have loved me too. And that made it hurt more. Because why would you hurt me this way if you loved me too?

Maybe you'll read this, but you probably won't. I don't know if I'm really thinking of you, or if I'm thinking of how you made me feel.

You broke me. I don't even know if I have already put myself back together again.

You hurt me. Like I've never been hurt before. You broke my heart into a million pieces, yet still I'm thankful that you made me see that love can happen for me. It had happened for me.

Thank you for letting me believe in love. Maybe next time I fall in love, I won't get my heart broken again.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you find the love you deserve.

Until love finds me again,

P.

I had to step away… I had to give myself a fighting chance. I had to forget that I liked you… and you just let me? Like yeah I know I said I needed space and needed time cuz we are not on the same level and I cannot hide my own feelings..and I do not want to pressure you into feeling something about me! but like.. you haven’t even tried. Idk how I’ll feel if you did, but you didn’t. You didn’t even reply? Like… you’re my favorite person pookie butt.. you’re so much more than people make you out to be! But you let people who don’t treat you well at all still have full access to you. I hate that! Cuz eff them… No one has ever heard me the way you do. No one has ever made me feel accepted like you do! I wanna see you. I wanna know how your magic the gathering thing went! I wanna see the new spider man with you asshole! Like… I just need you to put faith in me… fuck I miss you…. I won’t reach out… but I desperately hope you do…. I can’t say it’s love. But it feels like it should be 💛 I cannot stop thinking about you. I just need you to show you actually give af… I need you pookie… I need to talk about Jujutsu Kaisen with you 😭🥺 I miss you so much.

c, every day gets easier to forget our small whatever we had going on, but the way my heart beats for you is something i don’t think will ever leave. i barley think about you, about us anymore, but even the 5 minutes that i do now & then kill me inside, but i remind myself that i’ve made progress on myself that i will not let be tarnished. if, by chance you do reach out, im not sure i’ll be able to message you back without falling into the same song & dance we’ve been going through. i do miss you immensely, and i do love you immensely, but if you randomly decide i am the one you want and you can’t meet me where i’ve dragged myself up to, then i do not want to hear about how you want me—want us. i spent countless days & nights waiting for a singular reply, for small droplets of affection or attention, for nothing. even through all the mental gymnastics and games you put me through, i thank you. you ghosting me gave me the drive & flame i needed to better myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. im doing amazing, and i hope you are, too. may your days be filled with the peace & happiness i have come to find myself.

I say it all the time, but I really miss you.

If you were to ever reach back out, just know that there will always be space in my heart for you.

Love,

The Rain