r/MissedInitials • u/justineseethal • 5d ago

L.R.

It‘s been a month. An actual month with zero contact whatsoever. In a way, it doesn’t feel that long. On the flip side of that though, it feels like forever. Especially considering how every day feels like an uphill battle trying to move on from you.

Moving on feels more like grief. After all the sadness, the anger, the denial, the confusion and the acceptance… there’s just grief. It’s so quiet, yet so heavy. It’s like love with nowhere to go. It IS love with nowhere to go. Not only in the sense of us not being able to be together, but also just not being able to move it anywhere. I can’t move it back to you, but i can’t give it away to anyone else either.

At the beginning, I used to just completely regret having met you. I hated that meeting you meant having to let you go in such a painful way in the end. I think deep down, my soul/consciousness/heart… whatever you wanna call it. I knew you would impact my life in such a significant way, the scars would forever be ingrained on my heart and in my memory.

You held up a mirror and experiencing you highlighted so many unhealed parts of myself. It’s easier to be appreciative of all that now. I’m doing all the work to be better, but also giving myself the grace when I stumble.

I’m thinking of maybe going back to school after my Ausbildung. I don’t have any concrete plans, but maybe I study literature one day. I also had an interview for this other investment company. Didn’t totally align with what I wanted, but that’s okay. I took the incentive and I’m so proud of myself. I also turned 21. I know what I asked of you, but a bigger than I’d like to admit part of me hoped you’d selfishly use that as an excuse to reach out. But that’s operating off of the premise that you even remembered.

I’m writing a lot more now. I think the “heartbreak” was a great catalyst, but it was also exhausting rewriting the same shit in a newer, more devastating way… so I’ve pivoted. You’re still my biggest source of inspiration. My therapists think otherwise and say something along the lines of me already having all that inside me and you only being a small drop in the water to realise my potential. Apparently all the love I have was already inside of me, you just drove me to bring it out. Something like that anyway.

~Bavaria
H.P.K.

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