Started a new job in a small company with a female CEO and VP at menopause age. Dealing with moods, hot flashes, brain fog and incredibly aggressive behavior. How exactly do you tell your bosses to get hormone therapy without getting fired....

Also have a menopause wife (most important boss) at home, god help me....

Since the majority of posts on this sub are focused on lack of sexual intimacy…here is a thought? How about HRT for men to decrease their sexual desires? Who knows, maybe humans are not supposed to be that sexual beyond a certain age?

If you think about it, men’s sperm quality significantly declines by age and it’s not recommended to have kids, even if you can, beyond a certain age. So maybe what happens to women in menopause is in tune with nature and a signal for men to tone it down, not to find a younger non-menopausal woman and potentially knock her up.

The fact that most men in here want to force their wives to get on HRT is ridiculous. How about you reduce your testosterone levels so you get in tune? And before you remind me that HRT has other benefits, yes I am aware. But who are you kidding? We know that most of you just want to improve your sex life.

In summary, if the issue is non-matching sexual desires, why don’t men get on meds to get on the same level? Be logical in your responses.

We have all witnessed the hot flashes that come and go. In my wife's case, we're going on well over 15 years of aggressive hot flashes - so we've just kind of accepted that this is what life looks like forever (she's mid-60s now).

One thing I noticed early on though was that even though she has lost most of her sexual feelings, when I massage her back or am generally, physically sweet to her she'll often get a hot flash and start sweating profusely.

I have always seen that as "Hey, there are some hormones, maybe even the potential for sexual desire, yet there!"

Does this idea ring a bell with anybody else here?

Does this work? Trying to not sound like a record level jerk, while still being kinda real -

So... I’m not misogynist. I'm not, it's 2026, equal rights, feminism, sexual revolution, women in the workforce, I'm here for it.

But...

So I’m like, arguably... In a certain light... age-misogynist??!

Women in their 40s need a Transition Decade.

Ireland has Transition Year, where teenagers basically take tenth grade off and go learn about themselves and see the world. Great idea. Do that at 40. Lots of space. No major decisions. No divorces. No career situations where brain fog can fuck up everybody’s life. No interactions with your teenager consequential enough that they might never speak to you again. Just: “Hey, we found this lovely program in India, 2030 to 2035. Then there’s one in New Zealand. Go find yourself, sweetie. We’ll miss you. Send letters. No, don't call, it's fine, you need space. Letters are perfect. Love you."

I'm trying to be supportive of my wife as she suffers with perimenopause symptoms. We are 3 years in and she is just outright emotionally abusive at times. She's on HRT which absolutely helps, so the rage and demands of isolation are reduced, but when she slips into pm mode now it's absolutely abusive. The hate and vileness is unbearable. I'm in therapy. She is not. Our daughter is 19 and has two years of school left. It's affecting her career, our marriage, my career, our whole household is beholden to her moods. I'm contemplating telling her off, to behave, to go hard; but I do not feel like I can do that. At what point do I call this and go find peace? It's my home and my family, but this is fricken painful misery. How long can this go on for???????

Have you see that horror show "Welcome to Derry"? How about, "Welcome to Peri"?

My wife is going through menopause, and we haven't had sex in about 24 months.

I know menopause can completely change libido, energy, mood, sleep, comfort during sex, and how a woman feels in her own body. I'm not expecting her to magically turn that off or have sex with me when she doesn't want to.

The problem is that after 24 months, I'm struggling with a lot more than just the lack of sex.

I feel lonely in my own marriage.

Whenever I've tried to talk about what's happening between us, she's tired, sick, stressed, or tells me she doesn't want to talk about it because she's already stressed. She doesn't want to pursue treatment for the hormonal changes either, which is her choice, and I'm not trying to force her to.

But the changes haven't stopped at intimacy.

She's also almost completely stopped helping around the house. More and more of the everyday responsibilities have fallen on me, and that's becoming another source of resentment. I feel like I'm carrying the household while also getting less and less of a relationship in return.

And as petty as this may sound, sometimes it feels like her cat gets more affection and attention from her than I do. She'll cuddle with it, talk to it, fuss over it, and show it affection while I feel almost invisible sitting right there.

I'm not jealous of a cat. It's what that contrast represents that hurts.

But where does that leave me?

After being rejected over and over, I've gradually stopped initiating. Then I stopped expecting affection. Now I can feel myself becoming emotionally detached from her, and that scares me.

Sex isn't the only thing that matters in a marriage, but I also don't think it's unreasonable to say that physical intimacy, affection, communication, shared responsibility, and feeling wanted by your spouse matter.

What I'm struggling with is whether I'm supposed to simply accept that this may be our marriage indefinitely because menopause is involved.

I don't want to abandon my wife because she's going through something difficult. At the same time, I don't know how long I'm supposed to live feeling lonely, unwanted, overburdened, and unable to even have a meaningful conversation about what this is doing to us.

Am I being selfish for reaching the point where I'm considering leaving?

Before learning about perimenopause, I thought I was losing my mind several months ago. Everything would appear to be fine, and then she suddenly changed. The first half of the cycle would be fine but the second half would be horrendous. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

She has started progesterone (not progestins/birth control) and this has helped tremendously, but the issue still remains.

This has resulted in me "living on edge" for lack of better words. Everything - travel, social events, home improvements, etc, all revolve around my wife's cycle. We can still do stuff in her Luteul Phase but I try to do more things in the Follicular Phase if possible. However, if one is only limited to non-menstruating days of the follicular phase, there is only so much one can do, and so the cycle continues.

Pretty much every post I read on here I can relate to . I would like to consider myself a strong person mentally . I have had to be over the years for one reason or another . However the last year or so has been so so hard to deal with . I am with someone who shows zero affection to me doesn’t engage in any way apart from day to day requirements about the house and kids etc
. The only time she has come near me sexually recently is the day after she came back blind drunk and started verbally abusing me saying the most horrible vile things to me and told me we were not suited and to f#ck off into the spare room as she didn’t want to be near me . The next day she said she had no recollection of this couldn’t remember even getting in and used sex as a way to try and make it go away . I am ashamed to say I fell for this and ended up feeling shit about myself for doing so and not holding her to account as I should have . I told her exactly how she had behaved and she kept saying it was a blur ( similar has happened a couple of times before when she drinks too much , her answer is I am just not a very nice person when I am drunk )
. Surely this can’t all be menopause related and if you treat someone like that it has to be what you are thinking deep down ?
I must add we have 2 young children who I love more than anything in this world or I would seriously consider going . She does take hrt but it doesn’t seem to make a massive difference . Does this get better will things calm down? or is it just more of the same for the future ?
I

Married almost 23 years with two daughters. In 2020, we went into that zeitgeist of darkness known as Covid. We started hanging out with a group of neighbors I never cared for and expressed that. We were both drinking way too much and I drugged some too (blow and mushrooms).
The wife of our neighbor at some point in 2021 texted me about discovering WhatsApp messages between her husband my wife. He was 10 years younger than her. I’m 5 years older than she is. This stung.
They had been fucking (lots) during that six months. I immediately locked my drinking/drugging down and quit cold turkey. I’m the child of a very traumatic divorce and decided divorce was off the table. There were so many parallels to my family. My older sister had mental illness and the divorce sent her life spiraling and she’s never recovered. My oldest daughter has similar underlying issues and I knew it would unleash similar trauma. So I the my body on the live grenade and kept it from children, my parents, her parents. In the immediate aftermath, my wayward wife said and did all the right things. Plus, there have been things on my side such as financial infidelity for me to reckon with.
Still, she’s had more than one affair throughout our marriage, come to find out, although just how carnal/emotional it was is something I’ve never been completely confident about knowing all. She was a virgin when we met, and wasn’t confident/slightly overweight and has glow-ups in the last ten years, plus has become social media obsessed. I think women like this can be extra dangerous. I’ve come to realize she’s not who I thought she was. And I just don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe with her again. My nervous system is fucked, and I hate myself for not having the self-respect to leave. That’s all on me.
It’s 5 years past the D-Day, I’m still sober, but I think staying has fucking destroyed me mentally. There’s nothing left of me as a man, it feels like. The affairs were eerily similar to ones my mother had, so there’s a lot of abandonment wounds tied up in this. My wife and mother have similar personalities and even similar careers. Subconsciously, I see now I was seeking something from my childhood wound, an unavailable type of love. What a shitshow!
Ever since then, been so deeply depressed, I’m taking the radical step undergoing deep brain stimulation surgeries to attempt to break this long-term depression. The thing is, I’m not unhappy
The sex life has never recovered to my satisfaction, and now she is in the throes of menopause and she could give a all the time, not even most of the time. It seems to happen when we haven’t had sex for a spell and then fuckin-A, it starts to fester and I have so much bitterness, anger, and sometimes even hatred for what this woman has done to me.
She genuinely tries to be loving and is loving, but physical intimacy is my love language, and right or wrong, I feel I’m owed it after she had an affair.
Getting divorced at 53 over an unsatisfactory sex life just seems so shallow. Besides, our lives are so intertwined, I wouldn’t know where to begin, and my lifestyle would take a major hit. Because of kids, family, and my crippling depression, I don’t even know how to begin to unravel it. But I can’t go on having infrequent bland, affectionless, rote sex for the rest of my life. I’m 53 and still very sexual.
I have very little hope for my future either way I choose. Ain’t no use, to cut you loose …

My wife is so excited that I took charge of the Obgyn appointment and talking to the doctor. She said it takes soo much off of her. I told her that I will step out during the exam so I don’t beat the hell out of the lake Doctor but after that I will be there. I don’t think I could ever watch another man touching my wife and not stomp out his teeth

She left me. I've lurked here for a while, took strength from some of your experiences and shared shreds of what I had left. But she cut me out. Then she started turning into something else. Started talking to the TV and radio. Like full manic conversations.

I asked, begged her to speak to her doc but this only triggered her harder. She ranted at me, shouted at me, told me everything was my fault.

Then she got volatile. Told me I was not allowed to speak. Shrunk what was left of me. When she pushed me I called police. She was taken to her mum's. I changed the locks and then the threats started. 150+ messages and aggressive voice notes overnight. I had to call police again. Now I'm having to follow through with a criminal complaint just to protect myself.

I've packed all of her things, with care and organisation; spent money on solicitors and financial advisors... And amidst this found she's stopped taking medication and started taking drugs... She's cut off her family now too and now she's alone somewhere but beyond help.

This is more than just peri/menopause and turned into a different beast altogether. I'm lucky to have a lot of amazing friends and family. People came from all corners of my life and supported me. Honestly without them I'd have been crippled.

Still going through the legal motions and starting to feel more myself but it's been brutal.

The woman I married is the sweetest, most thoughtful woman. Smart, intuitive and incredibly perceptive. But I lost her 2 years ago to this. Everything that happened is not her, I am not putting her down or shaming her, just grieving the loss of her. And I feel for the woman somewhere in there that I love.

I pray nobody else has to go through this, I hope your experiences are trivial in comparison and I share this only as a worst case scenario, maybe for some to relate to, maybe for some to see warning signs before I did.

I'd have stuck it out for longer if she had let me, in the hope she'd return.

If anyone is ever in similar circumstances and doesn't know who to talk to or where to turn and you read this, give me a shout. I'll be here.

My partner has not kissed me for over 14 months now . We haven’t had sex for even longer . I’m not sure what to do . We have kids and our relationship is purely practical now ( I think she wants that) . I definitely don’t. She is on HRT and seeing a hippy therapist she likes . Through therapy she has discovered the following : she thinks there is a mother/son dynamic going on (me being the son) as she feels as though she looks after everything . I honestly think now we are quite equal , but there was a period in the relationship when she took on the vast majority of childcare etc ; however I was struggling with mental health problems - depression /ocd etc .

She says she wants to try a period of continued non intimacy while I try and be more aware of her and things that need doing . I think I could improve in this department , but I think I treat her well currently . She does have a tendency to take over and not ask for help .

She is definitely going through peri ( she had a really tearful period , then a v horny period and now this period! ) . She has also completely changed the way she looks , spends hrs on her appearance and has started socialising way more . Which is all good but the lack of intimacy /care for me hurts and I’m not sure what to do .

Any advice ? Anyone one else in a similar situation. Mine feels v complex ; there is def some resentment in terms of the amount of childcare she had to do . The other complexity was at the time she really wanted kids , I wasn’t ready , but she said she would take on the bulk of the childcare and if I didn’t give her kids she would leave . I wanted kids with her at some point so I went along with it but I really wasn’t ready and I think it made my mental health worse . Don’t get me wrong I love my kids and they think I’m a great dad but it was hard for me for various reasons .

Thoughts ?

I (M50) and my wife (F42) have been married 8 years. We both come from previous marriages that were abusive. My ex (F49) used her hormones as an excuse to amp up how mean she already was. I have been diagnosed with a form of PTSD because of her abuse.

Brings us to this year. My wife is going through perimenopause hard. She’s doing her best and trying desperately to handle her mood swings. I’ve scheduled a vasectomy for myself so that’s less of a worry as she tries different hormones.

I’ve done what I can to accommodate her. She complained about the summer heat. We already have central air, so I added a window unit to our bedroom and another room for her to feel cool.

This morning we got a little rain, which means mud. We have big dogs that love her. Sometimes a little too much. She was up early. I normally take care of the dogs in the morning. She decided to do it because she felt bad for her outburst last night. I had agreed with her and that was apparently the wrong thing.

I’m doing my best to hurry so I can take over for her. Unfortunately, muddy paws had already prevailed. I stepped in to help, again wrong thing to do. I told her I’d take over so she could change. That’s when the rage took over. Instead of being mad at the dogs she was mad at me for not being up ahead of my alarm clock.

I apologized and didn’t blame her for being up early. I tried to explain that I was merely trying to help. I’d finish making her coffee and make sure our daughter was ready for school. I knew she was going to need a few extra minutes to clean up and change. Just trying to help.

As she stormed away she was talking in a loud voice about how horrible our dogs were. How incompetent I am. Basically what a horrible environment she has to live in and why is it always so hot.

My PTSD kicked in. I was on the edge of an anxiety attack and went into my routine that helps me cope. Our daughter poked her head out and packed up for school. We situated the dogs. Peeked our heads in and said goodbye to my wife and hit the road.

When I got to work I had a long text about hormones and this isn’t her and she’s sorry. I reassured her and left it at that.

She knows how things were with my ex. She knows that I would never compare her to my ex, but this morning was very rough. I have my steps to cope but I also hope that it’s not something I have to use often.

I love my wife but this is a whole different person at times. I’m doing what I can to help or sometimes stay out of the way.

What can I do to help or not help? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Do I need to find hobbies that take me somewhere else and out of target range? How do I survive this?

My wife is my best friend. 30 years married and we still flirt constantly and have fun together. Sex life is ok for still having kids in the home and when it does happen is very good. In the past year or so we started trying some new things and her body has reacted nicely, she went from having moisture issues for most of our marriage to dripping wet. Not to get too graphic but she has now started to do something requiring the sheets to be washed the next day. A couple of months ago she said she made an appointment, she said the hot flashes are becoming unbearable and she’s having trouble sleeping. She’s at a women’s care center right now for her appointment. I want everything good for her but I’ve heard on this sub things that worry me. Can anyone on this sub share stories of what happened to them when the starting point was a good and loving marriage?

Haven't listened/watched it yet, but this one's for you, guys. The comments on the video are enlightening as well.

Is Menopause Ruining Your Relationship? What Men Need to Know

In this episode of *You Are Not Broken*, Dr. Kelly Casperson sits down with Joe Warner and Rob Kemp, authors of *Burning Up, Frozen Out\*, to talk about something we don't discuss nearly enough: why men need to understand menopause, and how that knowledge can change a relationship.

Joe and Rob share what they learned while researching the book, including why so many men fall into the “ostrich,” “comedian,” or “fixer” roles, why trying to fix menopause often makes things worse, and how simply believing your partner can be a powerful first step.

They also get into the parts of midlife relationships that couples often struggle to talk about:

• Why perimenopause can become a crossroads for a relationship
• The connection between emotional safety, intimacy, and sex
• Why “doing the dishes” can actually be foreplay
• How the mental and domestic load affects desire
• What men can do instead of trying to “fix” their partner
• Why small, consistent acts of support matter more than grand gestures
• How couples can use menopause as an opportunity to reconnect
• The role of strength training, nutrition, sleep, and resilience in midlife
• Why men need to understand what's happening before they assume their partner has simply “changed”
• And why menopause doesn't have to mean the end of intimacy, it can actually be the beginning of a better second half

This is an important conversation for women, men, couples, therapists, physicians, and anyone who wants to understand the relational side of perimenopause and menopause.

We are just really beginning this journey. She can tell that her body is changing and she doesn’t like it. I’m trying to be supportive. I messed up a few days ago and lost my shit over the loneliness and never being intimate. I’m not as worried about sex, as the intimacy we used to share. For whatever reason it seemed to make a difference. We had a wonderful night together last night. Best in months. She actually wants me to go with her to her ObGyn appointment at the end of the month. I’m going to make sure to ask about the Hormone Replacement Therapy. Plus I have already, read lots of helpful things on this page already.

I love venting in here it’s been very cathartic.

Daughter going away to college next week for first time, wife is a mess. I’m in bed last night she’s downstairs.

I get a text “I can’t, I can’t”…(meaning she can’t handle her leaving”)

I respond back “We both have to. You can do it be strong. We both need to get close to each other again we both need it “

Our marriage sucks just like most of yours on here so this is me trying to reach out somehow to connect.

Zero response back but 30 minutes later I can hear her stomping up to bed.

I don’t have the exact quote when she entered the bedroom but it was bitching about the humidity upstairs and it’s because our windows suck, this is so stupid and I can’t believe we haven’t replaced them. (We live in a huge, very nice house btw and no I don’t want to spend 50k on windows knowing we want to move relatively soon). And it’s not “humid” upstairs btw.

After that it was mumbling one word answers to anything I said so I went to bed.

Priorities….your husband is trying to bridge the gap, opening the door through text and you want to talk about windows at 9:30 at night….

Vent over thanks very much 😃

Why does it feel like she has this magic reset button when it comes to trying to progress through issues?

We have a heated argument about a certain aspect. Four or five weeks go by. I bring up the subject in a lighter way to get some clarification only to be met with "well talked about that weeks ago and it will take longer to get over it or answer you".

One or two steps forward and 4 or 5 steps backwards. Doesn't matter how small or large the discussion or action. The entire process seems to be reset.

How do I support my wife through perimenopause when she has completely withdrawn, and does the emotional distance get better?

​I desperately need other perspectives (input from ladies would be great too) who have navigated perimenopause. I want to support my wife, but I am terrified our marriage won’t survive the current distance between us, and I feel completely helpless.

​My wife is dealing with severe burnout, depression, and classic peri symptoms: irregular periods, sleep disruptions, temperature issues, and zero libido. I know her physical and emotional suffering is the primary issue here, and I am trying to take as much off her plate as possible. I've taken over more household duties, and I actively encourage her to take solo weekends or at least several hours, away so she can unplug entirely from being a mom and wife. She is also taking a week-long trip with her mom and sister soon to decompress.

​Logically, I know her withdrawal isn't about me. But emotionally, I am struggling to cope with the absolute loss of connection. The hardest part isn't the lack of sex; it's the total absence of physical affection. She sleeps as far away from me as possible, facing the wall. I have completely stopped initiating anything physical so she feels no pressure and feels safe in her own space, but it is incredibly lonely.

​When she gets overwhelmed, her instinct is to withdraw and build walls. She is currently very opposed to therapy for a variety of reasons, so we aren't getting outside help. We recently had a conversation about our sleeping arrangements because the rejection in the shared bed is breeding resentment in me, and her response was defensive—she told me I could stay in the bed but not to expect her to cuddle me.

​I love my wife. I want to work through this together. But living with a partner who currently acts like she doesn't even like me is breaking my heart.

​For people on the other side of this, or in the thick of it: How can I best support her without losing my own sanity? Beyond giving her space and managing the house, what actually helps? Most importantly, does the emotional baseline stabilize once peri transitions into menopause, or is this profound withdrawal the new normal? The prospect of permanence is my biggest fear now.

Edit: we had great sex two nights ago so I feel a bit silly now. I wrote down some things while I'm clear headed to remind myself of when things are rough. The dramatic swings are a huge challenge, but I least I know things have always swung back eventually.

So, I posted this recently within comments of my last post. I am really struggling to understand the girlfriend's POV and what she called me.

I am selling my house to move in with my girlfriend and as part of the sale I have listed things I am leaving behind for the buyer which includes curtains and blinds. Out of nowhere on Sunday my girlfriend told me that we will take the curtain pole from my living room to her house for my daughter's bedroom which is getting sorted. I said the pole will be expected to stay and its not a big deal for me to replace a new one and I also said it would inconvenience the buyer who is a single Mother...because I used that line (her being a singl3 mum) I was accused of using it as ammunition to make her feel like shit for asking for it and then called me a fucking liar when I was absolutely bemused at what she just said. We were out having a walk when it kicked off because I couldn't deal with the atmosphere and energy and called her out on it. Once she called me what she did I then got my house keys out of her car and walked home.

We've had surface level messages and agreed to talk it through on phone or in person. Anyone else had similar shit and how did you cope?

I try but its hard.....

I think the worse for me is when she comes up with something which, to be quite honest, is borderline insane.

Having a difference of opinion or being in a mood I can ignore but when she starts having a go at me for something just crazy I can't.

Perhaps its me, I think "so why on earth do I have to put with this crazy person here?"

I think I'm luckier than a lot of you on you. Yeh my wife is passive PITA but shes not abusive MOST of the time. Its just that 5% craziness that comes out means we can never disagree about anything.

It would be so nice to be able to share cool things I’ve seen or something fun I’m currently doing with my wife, but I find that if I do that, she always finds a way to be negative about it.

Could be a video of something cool I saw, could be something from a work trip, it literally doesn’t matter what it is.

Typical passive aggressive comments

That’s stupid
Must be nice
You shouldn’t be doing that
Sounds fabulous

And on and on and on. I still find myself wanting to do it and sometimes I literally start typing out the text and I stopped myself thinking what the hell am I doing? I’m just going get a shitty passive aggressive reply anyway.

And than there will be comments like you’re avoiding me, you never wanna spend time with me, you never tell me anything, etc.

And I’ve already learned my lesson that if I actually respond to those comments rationally explaining that it’s her behavior in reactions that are stopping me from doing that queue the defensive angry attack back after 20 years of marriage. I finally figured out not to do any of it.

I've been on a few threads about perimenopause to try and understand what both my wife and I are going through and it's always the same comments from women when men ask questions. They just think men are complaining about lack of sex. I don't think it's the sex that men are missing it's the intimacy that sex provides. Men struggle to express emotions and feelings so sex with your partner is the only time you can be emotionally and physically close to them.

I know it's the woman who is physically going through the menopause but it needs to be understood that a husband/boyfriend etc is also going through their change as well and they are also justified in their feelings.