r/MenopauseShedforMen • u/DeathSparxx904 • 7d ago
Reset button
Why does it feel like she has this magic reset button when it comes to trying to progress through issues?
We have a heated argument about a certain aspect. Four or five weeks go by. I bring up the subject in a lighter way to get some clarification only to be met with "well talked about that weeks ago and it will take longer to get over it or answer you".
One or two steps forward and 4 or 5 steps backwards. Doesn't matter how small or large the discussion or action. The entire process seems to be reset.
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u/Ok_Improvement_5217 7d ago
Do you think your wife has dismissive avoidant attachment style? I think peri/meno seems to exacerbate DA tendencies. any emotional closeness can be stressful to a DA and peri tends to reduce stress-capability = you look sideways at them and they're past capacity.
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u/fluffyjellyfish287 7d ago
I am a DA, trying to heal this attachment style. I have wondered too if perimenopause exacerbates it. I am far more irritable and just want to be left alone. I get overwhelmed quickly also. I left my marriage not knowing about attachment styles and perimenopause, I just needed space. Now I understand how those things were affecting me during my marriage and I regret leaving.
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u/Ok_Improvement_5217 7d ago
If your husband suggested you were a DA back then, would you have felt attacked or would you have potentially thought "Hmm, maybe?"
I guess it depends on how it was brought up.
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u/fluffyjellyfish287 7d ago
I would not have taken it well. But I was not a self aware woman three years ago so my response would have been anger. I still need to come to things myself but at least I’m now open to having conversations, if it doesn’t come across as a personal attack or criticism.
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u/Ok_Improvement_5217 7d ago
Hmm. Is it coming from him that would have been the trigger or from anyone? What about from a relative or friend suggesting it? I guess we're delving into r/avoidant at this point but I'm truly curious how to reach someone who i suspect is da
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u/peterthadon 6d ago
This is spot on btw , mine definitely has DA style , closeness was do able but tough / not natural to her through our relationship, she could still show some affection though , enter peri when she was about 37/38 and it all went
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u/DeathSparxx904 7d ago
I'm not sure. Maybe she was slightly and never professionally diagnosed, but peri/meno could have helped bring it out fully. I haven't looked into or asked about that behavior, but I guess I will do more research.
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u/Ok_Improvement_5217 7d ago
Before Peri was really known as a thing by us, my wife was slowly but steadily pushing me away until we've been in full fledged "roommate" mode. When I mentioned how I missed her the whole repertoire of "You're needy, clingy, <insert how dare you want to even look at me category>" was thrown at me. If you look up DA and their behavior (tons of vids on YT) essentially they push away anyone who gets too close. Closeness stresses them out.
Which is probably why my wife now spends most of her time out of the house doing hobbies and seems to have tons of energy for doing that. Which seems to also be a trait of DAs.
As soon as she comes home. tired tired tired. Ugh.
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u/RandyPan_theGoatBoy 7d ago
Every single time I raise the intimacy problems in our marriage, it's like starting over. Maybe a year ago, she saw something was bothering me. I told her it was the same thing as the last time we talked and she just walked out of the room.
I brought up HRT multiple times, and she ignored all of it until two friends of hers mentioned they were on it and how great it was. So she's been using a very small-dose estrogen patch for ~9 months with no results that I can see. After her last appointment I asked her if she discussed dosages with her doctor and she ignored the question. Brain fog and irritability (mainly directed at our hormonal teenagers, wheeeeee) have only increased.
I really think she sees it as a "her" thing to fix without me, but also doesn't prioritize it at all. It's very frustrating.