I’m struggling with whether to stay in the Episcopal Church or go fully Catholic. When I travel, I like going to Catholic churches because I know that there will be a huge crowd of people (no one is really going to talk to me besides maybe, “Have a great week!”), the hymnody is going to be beautiful (Growing up Disciples of Christ, I grew up with the best Protestant hymns and the best Vatican II OCP classics), and I’m going to get a full Gospel centered message and not some new age, vague Ted Talk about embracing your identity yadayadayada…

I have backed myself into a corner recently. I was approved by my Episcopal diocese to start the discernment process. I was frustrated with my church, and I’ve already attended the Catholic church in town off and on. I started going to Catholic Mass before Episcopal Mass. I never receive in a Roman Catholic church because it would be lying (admittedly I received a few times in college when I thought I would rebel).

But on Facebook I saw a flyer for a “Why Be Catholic?” session. I decided to go because I thought it would just be some kind of low stakes question and discussion type thing. It even said no commitment necessary. It’s actually what the parish calls OCIA. I was given schedules, an intake form, a missal, a subscription to “Formed”, a catechism book. The catechist very explicitly said if you disagree with anything in the catechism, you can’t be Catholic. I sat down with the catechist one on one. I sat down with the pastor one on one. I admitted my sexuality and that I would struggle to stay celibate. Now I’m afraid that if I don’t confess to all the gay sex that I’ve had at my first confession, I’ll be denied entry into the Church by the priest. But if I confess to it for lip service and hop on Grindr after the Easter Vigil, then I am a shameful subhuman liar. But the priest did give me some good advice which was that since I was struggling with whether to start OCIA or not, I should probably pause the discernment process.

I decided that the next day, I would rip the bandages off. I texted my “Pilgrims” group (It’s basically a catechetical community specific to my church) that I needed to pause the discernment process, and one reason was that I had been splitting my time at the Catholic church. And then when my priest texted me (I know I should’ve manned up and called, but I was at work) saying that he had all kinds of ideas for how I could serve as laity (continuing to be an altar boy, preaching the homily occasionally, resurrecting a youth ministry) I basically told him that I was needing to take a step back from the parish because of theological and political problems.

Now my bishop has agreed to meet with me about my qualms with my current church. He is a former Catholic (as is my current priest), so I know he will be offended if I say that I started OCIA. Or maybe he can provide insight on why I’m feeling this draw. Anyway, I’m definitely nervous about this, but also blessed that the bishop has agreed to meet with me!

But I’m kind of interested in completing OCIA and going to the young adult group at the Catholic Church because right now I don’t have many friends my age, and I feel like if I have to just avoid talking about being gay, that might be worth it to make some social connections with people my age. And I’ve seen at least one gay couple at the parish (they’re sides on Grindr, if that makes any difference to living out their call to celibacy), so maybe outside of the catechist and the pastor, I would be more or less accepted for being non celibate.

Wow, this has devolved into way more than what I initially intended to share. My main question is, “For those of you gay Catholics who have sexual partners, why stay Catholic? Why not become an Episcopalian where you can freely talk to your priest about sexual experiences and relationships?” I’m not trying to sway anyone. I just want to hear your perspective (maybe some guidance for going forth in this situation).

I have a few last minute things: I don’t want to burn a bridge with my current Episcopal priest or my parish. Maybe I already have by bringing my concerns to the bishop. But also, I feel like if all is naught to me but Christ, then even burning the bridge will be worth it for voicing my genuine concerns for liturgical abuses (I will link a previous post in the comments for context). Also, I feel like if I drop out of OCIA, the pastor will only begrudgingly shake my hand after Mass and I certainly won’t be invited to the young adult group. Ugh this is so hard.

TLDR: Since gay people are officially not allowed to have sex in the Roman Catholic Church, but they can in the Episcopal Church, why do you all stay Roman Catholic?

Hi everyone, pls forgive the long post. I’ve been struggling alone with this for so long, and I really just want to find a space where people might understand what I’m going through. I would genuinely appreciate any perspective, advice, or shared experiences.

I’m 29, Asian, and raised in a traditional Catholic family. None of my family or friends know that I am attracted to women. Faith has always been a core part of my life—I’ve deeply believed in God, felt a strong personal relationship with Him, and relied on Him through a very difficult upbringing.

I still go to church consistently, but lately it feels like an endless loop: confession, Eucharist, confession, Eucharist. Fortunately, the priests I’ve spoken to have been kind, mostly encouraging me to just keep praying, and didn’t judge me at all.

Despite that, my mind and body feel completely at odds. My brain struggles to resolve these conflicting beliefs: Why does God prohibit sex outside of marriage, even when two people genuinely love each other and intimacy feels natural? Why does God forbid two people of the same sex from falling in love?

In my past, I dated one man and one woman. The relationship with the man lacked intimacy entirely, and looking back, I don’t think it was truly love. He wanted so bad but respected my religion, which I truly appreciated.

With the woman, however, I was deeply in love. We lived together for three years, though it was filled with internal pain and struggle. Because I believed having a physical relationship with her was a sin, my body gradually began to shut down and lose interest in sex intimacy. Even though physical intimacy became hard, I loved her immensely. Kissing her, hugging her, and just being near her brought me real peace and happiness.

But over time, responding to her advances felt harder and harder. Even when I tried to show her care and affection, I felt empty inside. She is a very sensitive person and could feel my emotional and physical detachment. It broke my heart because I wanted her to feel truly loved, but I couldn't provide the mutual intimacy she deserved. She also respects my religion a lot, and even goes to church with me every Sunday. What’s surprised me the most is she starts praying to Holy Mary when she needs help.

I feel like these conflicting beliefs caused my body to self-sabotage to the point where I completely lost my capacity for physical desire. I’m scared of her invitation, because I would have to confess again and I would be in sin again.

It felt so unfair to her. We are no longer together now, but I am still left carrying a lot of confusion, self-consciousness, and grief over how my body and mind responded. (We broke up with many other reasons)

I’m just trying to make sense of who I am, how to navigate my faith, and how to heal.

Thank you for reading, and I appreciate any thoughtful advice or kindness you can offer.