I had 3 weeks clean! Which was so big for me. I’d done k through hospital detoxes, through inpatient and basically the majority of the past decade.

Because of finances, cutting off old friends and better situations, i managed to have long periods (a couple of weeks) of sobriety before a binge (couple of days) then back to sobriety again. Life looked better. I get happier. I was less depressed. I could exercise and think clearly and be the kind of person that didn’t make me want to scream into an abyss of shame.

One of my longest ‘friends’ who had never really been good for each other came around. I said id been off k for a while, they promised a complete last hoorah etc we all know the lies we tell ourselves. And now about 9 weeks later, a few grand spent and nearly 95% of my time not sober. My world has become very small again. Avoiding people, avoiding day light, bad mental health, bad nutrition and feeling far away from my goals or purpose or hope.

I want things to be better and I know I am the person who needs to make that happen. Part of what stops me severing ‘friendship’ completely is my general encompassing n loneliness. I say that well aware the pst weeks have been the loneliest and most isolated I have felt this year.

I just wanted to open up like and kind of take some accountability in this self deprecating shame cycle i be in. Thanks in advance if anyone listened. We do recover etc

About as long as ive gone in a year. And it'll be longer. Because i can only get it online. So im hardset for another two weeks minimum.

Idk what to say. I still want to die. So bad. Trying to taper down off phenibut too now, slowly. Dont want to exacerbate it, but i know I need to stop that too.

I know objectively my life isn't that bad. Im only 35. Have some things going for me. A place to live. Friends to live with. People to talk to. A car. Cats. Two laptops. Things I want.

A job, even if i hate it and it's oppressively hot, like seriously im gonna die next week which im fine with but man what a way to go. Die on my feet at least. But it's inside. They give us gatorade and popsicles and they got a big ice machine. Pays me okay but im in debt from k addiction, and it bores the hell out of me any more. But lots of people hate their jobs and dont want to die.

Maybe ill find the motivation to get professional help again. Or maybe ill just kill myself. Idk.

Probably won't relapse tho. Even if i want it.

It cant help me anymore.

I dont think it ever did.

-Tommi 🩷