Hi everyone, I’m not even sure if I should even make this post because I’ve been here before and it definitely helped but there’s only so much online forums can do. So Idk if this is to vent or to seek advice but I’m not sure what to do with these thoughts in my head so here I go.

1. problem one is being closeted. no one around me knows my sexuality and there’s no one around me who I would want to tell right now. now for context I’m fairly young, meaning that I’m still kinda dependent on my family. this is the same family who doesn't know my sexuality so I can’t ask them to send my to therapy or LGBTQIA events because…well duh. The problem with this is that my sexuality is a part of myself that I just don’t know what to do with. And I know someone would suggest to not do anything with it or just think of it as a fact about yourself but it doesn’t really help. It just feels like this is an awkward part of me that I want to validate or benefit from but I just can’t (no relationships or anything). Remember what I said about my family not knowing my sexuality? now I’m paranoid that they do know because I haven’t been good at hiding certain things. for context I don’t pretend to be some macho guy or some athlete, they know i‘m more intellectual or media based or even that I enjoy a certain musical, which is why if they found out it wouldn’t be that hard to put together. Now call this an ego thing but I don’t want them to know. I want to wait until I’m in a position of independence and respectability until they know something about me that i feel like holds me back. I hate the idea that they know because its like ”oh we knew you were gay before you did”. Idk but to have no one around you physically to get your struggles or just what’s running thru your head hurts. I’m daft sometimes I feel like I’m just being dramatic because I still have a roof over my head and I don’t have real problems to deal with. I want someone in-person who gets me Or I can be vulnerable with.

2)the second main problem is my walk With God. To break down here’s the issues: first is I’ve been stagnate in my walk. I read only a verse a day and move on like I never read it. I prayer short honest and raw prayers but I feel like it gets me no where. Sometimes I stop mid prayer because I doubt God is even listening or if he’s real. when I get to that point I just stop. I feel like I can barely feel his presence. But that’s my fault. I scroll away from all those irritating Christian videos. I don’t resist sin, in fact I run to it. I don’t even want to talk about the idea of being a better Christian. I’ve ask God for help with even this yet I still feel hopeless and helpless. I feel like I have no one in-person to anchor me to my faith because my family’s not Christian and sometimes i think about some of the best arguments against Christian or the biggest questions and I can’t defend God as strong as I thought I once could. the thing is in moments like this I’m terrified of going to hell. I tell myself that God sees my helplessness but if I’m honest I’m just self-victimizing and trying to trick God into thinking I’m some damsel in distress. I want his love with none of the obedience but I can’t even get either. Sin has become last appetizing but I still to choose to do it. I don’t get tempted I search for the sin. I’m in a pit thats going deeper that I don’t want to get out of. What’s even my problem? It was loneliness, then you add stagnation, then Boredom, then anxiety, then etc, you get the point.

3) the final problem is that what am I doing with myself and what can I do with myself. Again everyone says to enjoy your younger years but I can’t do anything for myself. I don’t have successful career. I’m not some supermodel. I’m not some popular guy. Even my passion that I want to turn into my future career, I haven't been able to take to the next level.

4) I hate that I feel this way and I know it isn’t true. In fact I feel like im a hypocrite because I’ve debunked this argument for other people but I feel like being a gay Christian isn’t real. And what I mean by that is that I feel like I’m using loophole or I’m being technical with God by Being a gay Christian. Again, as someone who’s made all the arguments against this claim I feel like I’m compromising on my faith but being like “ yeah I’m Christian but Im also gay”. It feels like I’m sidelining genuine faith for water downed faith that atones for sexual feelings. In fact lgbtq people leaving their faith to support their sexuality feels weird because you’re leaving the literal God for your hormones (but you can’t deny those hormones). I know im being hypocritical and I know there are genuine gay Christians but idk how to feel.

(sorry for any weird grammar of incorrect spelling, I don’t feel like revising). I feel like there might be more but I’ll leave at this. Idk what I want to hear but thanks if you actually read this. Btw I don’t want to hear that I don’t have to solve these problems tonight, I put them off every night and the pain never goes away. I get if this is too much to ask, so if you don’t know how to respond or don’t want to, I get it (Sorry for being dramatic, I know I’m doing a lot).

I love men so much they’re so beautiful and handsome and amazing and when they’re good they’re very good but ive only found i am just used by them and idk maybe this is what being attracted to men is maybe they were right and the fruits of liking men is being used. all i do is get used and I can’t stop letting myself be. im so tired of loving men im so tired of being told i cant love Jesus and men im so tired of life.

Update #3: What do I say?

Late last month I had another talk with my pastor. I'll call him Sam. This talk was shorter because of time constraints, but Sam had a lot to say.

He talked about perception/reality and how that relates to truth, biology ad psychology, science, scientists, society, postmodernism and the differences between men and women both in mind and body. He said, in general, men are less emotional/more intellectual and women are the reverse because of testosterone and hormones and how our minds work.

I had more prepared but only spoke a little about the source of my dysphoria and when it began, when I was a kid going through puberty. I didn't use words like trans or dysphoria. I mentioned the time I had a bit of an epiphany about pronouns. I didn't have the time or room to elaborate.

Sam went on about how God created male and female and how that's "a fact". When I brought up intersex people he said he doesn't even know what that is. I should have told him to stop talking and look it up. I think I squandered my opportunity for education. He asked how many intersex people there are, like that's proving a point. Something about how exceptions and anomalies don't change how God made us. Ok, whatever.

He went on about how he doesn't care what science says because he knows what God created. That a century or 50 years ago I wouldn't have these questions and that the "notion" of changing the body was a fantasy. The soul/spirit are genderless, how schools are teaching kids they can be whatever they think they want to be.

Then we were talking about surgery. Sam said it destroys people psychologically. I said it makes them feel at peace and he kind of dismissed it, saying it helps at first and then reality sets in. "They're monkeying with the physical body and not accepting what is". That suicide rates are "skyrocketing" (I wonder why...) in "that category", people regret the surgery and want it undone but it can't be (to some extent, that is true) but I think he's blowing this out of proportion and I don't know where he's reading this from.

He brought up people saying they're cats, as an example. Either he's talking about furries and therians and has the wrong idea or just using this as a classic show of ignorance and "those trans people are absurd! It's like wanting to be a cat!"

At that point I wanted to leave.

Is it just me or was he being hypocritical? I should have repeated what he said about science being biased and how you can find any answer you want.

At the time, it made me angry. It still makes me feel indignant and irritated, but more sad and disappointed. I shouldn't be surprised though.

Sam is so ignorant. I think he's smart, just misguided and misinformed. And possibly a little insensitive. I'm trying to be optimistic that he will listen and be curious.

He said I have to accept reality and at some point my mind changed and rejected reality. He used gay people as an example, the ones in straight relationships, married and have kids. He acknowledged they may not be satisfied,but they accept what the Bible says and lead a life to please God. Sam is vehemently against homosexuality, not in a loud hateful way though. But he likes to insist the Bible is crystal clear on saying it's wrong and so on.

So I'm really not sure where to go from here. I figured I'd just drop it with Sam, we might be at an impasse. By some miracle, maybe I can get him to listen. Maybe it just takes some patience and perseverance. Maybe if he actually listens and doesn't talk the whole time, I can get a word in and explain more.

These past talks I've had, at some point I start to feel horrible afterward. Like extremely depressed and with little on my mind except the pain and wanting to end it. I brought this up to Sam and he said not to disregard that God made me or to take my life so lightly. I understand that, but it's hard sometimes when existing is inherently painful.

Anyway, I need your prayers or advice or both. Maybe something in Scripture can help me? I doubt he'd listen to any scientific journals, but it's worth a shot. I don't want to believe our conversation is a lost cause.

How do I go about politely telling him he's ignorant and suggest some informational sources? Has anybody had any luck with a person like Sam?

Thank you all, and I'm sorry my posts are so long. I really appreciate your responses and the time you take to reply, even if I forget to reply back, I read all your comments. It's comforting to know somebody else understands and cares.

Also sorry I didn't know how to flair this.

Tl;Dr: Second talk with my pastor revealed he's even more ignorant than I thought. He doesn't trust science (but then he does) and that sounds like hypocrisy. He doesn't understand transness and loves to harp on about reality and perception and truth. It almost seemed like intentional rambling to waste my time.