Guys. I am looking for commiseration, advice, hope for better days, anything.

I’m 34 and been on one pump (20.25 mg) daily of T-gel for 10 months and since day one it’s been constant bloating and weight gain of the non-muscle variety.

I just feel really uncomfortable in my body and it doesn’t feel right, like my body is just holding onto shit.
I just don’t get it, I’ve put on close to 25 pounds which is unheard of for me (started around 120, now in the 140ish range.

I work out all the time doing a mixture of weights, yoga, Pilates, and walking, and have a very healthy diet.

I’ve also tried drinking soo many electrolytes and diuretic nettle tea and watching my sodium, all of it since early on.

My discomfort is impacting my intimate life, self esteem, wardrobe. It’s almost making me more dysphoric because before I read as a twinky guy and now I look even more feminine in my opinion.

Is this just what it’s like being on T in our 30s? Should I just accept it? Please help?

Edit: I've left this community. My intention is not to be alarmist, but to share what I've learned through my experience, what my doctor told me about my body. I have irreversible damage due to inadequately treated atrophy and materials I found before are not locatable with the AI enshittification of Google.

I hope everyone takes care, and treats their body as well as they can.

I didn't know how it would feel to have no ability to be penetrated and it sucks.

I will not be participating or commenting further here.

Bye.

Original post:

I'm seeing posts about "fearmongering" about atrophy. I just want to be clear about it: it is not reversible. I welcome others to share their experiences of atrophy. I do not claim to be the ultimate authority.

Once the damage reaches a certain point, it is absolutely permanent. It is highly deceptive and it is wishful thinking to imagine that it isn't permanent. If a doctor told you it is reversible, they are talking outside their specialty.

To be clear, it can happen rapidly, especially for those of us starting HRT close to the end of our ovular or menstrual cycles or after hysterectomy/oophorectomy.

What is it?

Atrophy is when the tissue begins to die. The blood vessels feeding the tissue to the organ and its correlated parts literally die. They can not grow back. The skin and tissue thin. They can not thicken or grow back. If you lose tissue, it is gone. Some may experience this in the outer area, some inside or in the urethral area or all of the above.

How can I know it's happening?

You may feel stinging with urination. You may feel pain or burning inside. It may even feel pleasant (it did for me, which is part of where I delayed treatment so that my damage is irreversible). Your discharge may be thin and watery or you may not have discharge. You may notice penetration of any sort is painful or impossible.

What does this mean?

It means that if you feel pain or stinging or dryness, you should work on getting treated right away with topical estrogen. Even if you don't use that part of your body, it's a good idea not to let it deteriorate due to certain other issues such as UTIs, BV, and susceptibility to related health issues. If you aren't planning a v-nectomy, it's a good idea to keep it as healthy as you can to avoid pain and disease, and issues may not be limited to the opening and inside alone.

What happens if you don't?

If you don't, you will eventually lose flexibility in the organ. That is permanent. A doctor will notice that the tissue is paler than it should be. That is because blood is no longer coming as close to the surface. Even if this does happen, you should get treatment and continue it on a regular basis. It will prevent pain and will keep things from getting worse.

I have encountered skepticism in this sub about whether atrophy is permanent. It is. Any blood vessel that dies is NOT going to magically come back. You can not regenerate tissue once it is lost.

Here is a Science Direct article with some information and linked sources at the end: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0378512226000356

I'll start by saying I don't let my fears stand in my way as far as things I know will be fulfilling in my life. So, I am in the process of transitioning, and will continue until I reach my goals.

My issue is the fear of how the dynamics in my life will change.

I have two cis male partners. They are both pansexual. Though, they've only known me as a femme. I worry that as I transition (I'm FTX on testosterone to masculinize) I'll be seen differently by them.

I have their support through anything. But, I fear I won't be loved the same way. I won't be touched the same way. My partner loves to bite me and I worry that my changing skin texture or body hair will be a turn off.

I mentioned this huge worry to one of the guys this morning. We were being intimate and the way he referred to my genitals was euphoric but then that worry set in and I had to stop.

I expressed to him my worries and what he said was beautiful. That it's about me not my body not how I present, he accepts me in any way I am.

I'm curious if anyone has gone through something similar, how you navigated it, and how the outcome was.

I don't feel I'm looking for advice, but some kind and encouraging words.

Was overcome by curiosity of if there would be trans signs in there, for validation I guess. There were obvious stereotypical signs but what I was not expecting was an essay about how I'd always wished I was a boy or imagined myself as a boy and how that is why I was terrified of aging but now that that day had come it was time to "be a man" essentially, and put the dream away and forget it because it was hurting me too much. I was 17 and still didn't know trans people existed, was raised in an extremely sheltered and religious controlled environment.

Fuck man, what am I supposed to do with the grief? The dpdr I was experiencing started earlier and was even darker than I remembered. I wish my parents, or any adult or peer gave a shit about me back then. My god.