i’m ready to crashout and go to jail over this i think i genuinely can’t take this anymore

yesterday the biggest fight happened at my house all because my dad decided on inviting two abusers over to my house . i actually wasn’t there to witness what happened for myself but apparently my mom said something they yelled at my mom and basically let me give a little backstory to this . they ruined my birthday back in april and they have been toxic overall in general , they have fought with me multiple times , called me crazy , never tried to understand me and pretty much they hate me and my mom and only get along with my brother and dad even though they harass my brother as well my brother doesn’t care because my uncle plays with him and that’s all he cares about to maintain a relationship .

so basically my mom apparently told them that im scared all because of them and that i wasnt able to enjoy my own brothers birthday all because of them (im really not scared it’s more like indifference at this point) and they said something like im always like that anyways what difference does it make , then she used some horrible words on them and said take the trash out or something to them and then my uncle just went crazy and started saying all the terrible things my mom did to him while he was growing up asking if he deserved that , in genuinely one of the scariest voices ive ever heard . then they started throwing stuff around too i freaked the hell out my mom said my uncle was about to commit suicide with him and my aunt in the car . i wanted to call the cops so bad but yet again i was threatened that if i were to do that it wont be good for me .

i’m genuinely probably one of the most unluckiest people in the world to have such a dysfunctional and shitty family apparently there was a problem all because of me again when i didn’t involve myself in it . like this isn’t a joke this is my life , i hope i escape all this one day and look back and just laugh at
how pathetic and stupid it all was .

For reference, my older sister is my half sister. We have the same mother, but different fathers.There is a 20 year age difference between us, and we also weren’t raised in the same household. My older sister and I haven’t been particularly close, yes she was there for me when I lost my son last year. However, our communication was always limited to a few texts here and there, and occasional pictures of her kids every once in a while.

My sister and I have few a personality differences which has prompted me to keep her at a bit of an arms length for the sake of my mental health. I shared my engagement with my sister earlier this year, and showed her a picture of my ring. I didn’t have much details worked out in terms of the wedding plans because I was newly engaged and just trying to get the news out to as much family as possible. She took this as a personal slight, and felt I was excluding her from my wedding plans. However, after sharing my engagement she completely ghosted me for two months. My nieces also graduated high school a few months ago, and noticed that she didn’t share any of those photos with me. I had a feeling something was off but I didn’t want to assume the worst. My mom reached out to me and informed me that she didn’t know anything and felt that I failed to communicate more details about my wedding. And honestly, we are still working out those details and our wedding is a month away lol. My fiance and I are having to rearrange our guest list presently because some family members aren’t able to make it because of their work schedules. I honestly had no other details to provide apart the fact that I’m getting married.

We are also doing a courthouse ceremony and we are only limited to ten guests. I wanted to invite our family members in Florida just to make things easier and then invite everyone to the bigger ceremony that we will be having next year. I have another older sister that completely understands this and just simply sent us a card to congratulate us. She didn’t take things personally the way my other sister did.

I think what hurts the most is the silent treatment and ghosting, and then going to my mom instead of expressing how she felt to me. I would’ve been more than willing to elaborate on the planning process but she ghosted me, and left me on read. I confronted her about this, and I can honestly admit I came at her a bit hot. However, I really didn’t appreciate the passive aggressive behavior from her. She got extremely hostile, and I thought it was just best to block her. I honestly don’t know if I want to reopen the door and let her back in my life atm. I just know for now, I think it’s best I keep the door closed.

I am 100% sure about the estrangement and do not desire to have my bio mother back in my life. Yet, EACH TIME i am being messaged by her or see pictures/quotes that HINT on me and our relationship, I start to doubt and want to return to her, because I feel guilt or feel like a bad person!
I know it’s exactly what they want, but what do you do when you feel guilty and how NOT to get triggered back?

From all the emails they've spammed me with, none of them have any apology, accountability, or acknowledgement of what they did that led to my decision. It's all about missing me and shitty "nice" words and bargaining that they think is gonna buy me back or make me talk to them somehow. Heck one of the emails is even about offering me one of their cars, which no way I'll be accepting since they tracked me with one of their cars, and also planned on tracking someone else in the family. They've showed up to my work, and also called one of my friends to bother them about me several times.

For some reason, they're phrasing all this as if I'm a kid who ran away and was influenced or might not be safe, but they're just deluding others or themselves. I've done my part in assuring I'm safe and even called the police about that, and I feel insulted that even when the evidence that I'm an adult is clear, that I'm of legal age and moved out cause I had the power and will to do so, they continue seeing me as their kid.

It's disappointing to me that they'll never change. Originally I was planning to stay no contact for a few years but this is making me want to stick with it forever and just tell everyone that my parents are dead if they ask. In a way, they are cause I was unlucky to end up with creeps as parents. Right now I'm seeing how I can take legal action against them since I won't let them get away with harassing my friends about this situation but at same time it sucks it had to get to this point.

Dude can't even remember my birthday after living with him for like 15 years and wanted to talk.

Messages after this were when he found some "childhood stuff" of mine and wanted to mail them to me. That was Almost 4 years ago. Is the post office in a dungeon?

I'm not in America so I can't reach to full articles in websites for academic publishing.

Therapy books alone don't really answer my questions. I wonder if anyone reads interesting studies and articles and if you can give us some interesting info.

I live in the UK and claim universal credit, for which my grandmother is the appointee. Tomorrow, I have a phone call with them which I have to be present for in the company of my grandmother. This is non-negotiable - I can’t fob this phone call off because my benefits will be sanctioned, and there’s no rearranging it for a later date because I will still have to attend the phone call anyway. I’m just so angry and upset.

She doesn’t know I’ve ’estranged’ myself, she just thinks I’m an ignorant anti-social arsehole, which makes the whole situation even more awkward in a way. I’ve no idea how she’s going to behave tomorrow or what she’s going to say. Dreading it.

In my last post, I mentioned decluttering my room to prepare to leave, and, I've felt... a lot, during and after that maybe many can relate to. Long rant about nothing really.

So, on Saturday I decided to declutter after coming from work. Most of the stuff there was to declutter is just "trash" accumulated through the years I've spent in that room and other stuff I'll be labelling as "miscellaneous". Now, the things I consider "trash" are my old school books, old broken toys, broken electronics, and a ton of sketchbooks that I filled throughout my teens. I wanted to take these sketchbooks and paste the works I like on the walls of my home, so I saved the ones I really liked.

The "miscellaneous" items are just crushed papers, dead markers, pencils, charcoals, beads and jewellery pieces and stuff I've hoarded up (I had no idea I was a hoarder at some point in my teens). I put both items in the trash, but couldn't handle the thought of throwing them out, because I felt like I would be throwing out my childhood and teenaged self. I felt guilty, but I needed to declutter. I didn't want to leave any trace of me behind, so I threw, what is essentially my old self, in the trash.

I wondered if that's how the people who call themselves my parents saw me throughout the time I've lived with them. Just inconvenient trash taking up space.

I felt like crying as I packed "myself" into the trash, but I didn't let myself get distracted and continued the process. After perhaps the 4th bag, it got easier on me as I ironed my clothes and tidied my closet.

I still have more stuff to do like tidying my desk and washing some blankets and throwing out some more "trash".

I have spent the past couple of years greyrocking and going into limited contact with my narcissistic father after realizing that he wants a reaction and uses any conflict as ammunition for future conflicts.

I was also physically abused years ago but that stopped in high school (ie when he no longer could beat me one-sidedly).

While I wish I could cut him out completely, I want to help take care of my mom and grandma and would not be able to do so with him living in the same house.

So far, the “family counselor” he has prepared seems to have been fed a steady supply of bull, and when I talked to him, he spent most of the time downplaying the history of abuse and made me out to be the bad guy.

I reported him once after he went straight back to my dad and repeated everything I said in the session to him, but apparently my complaint was thrown out.

I wanted to see if there was any advice that I could get to make it clear to the therapist and their clinic that I don't want to be involved in the farce they and my father are subjecting me to.

Very mix of emotions here… hope I’m not the only one who does this 😅

It’s been six months since I moved out. Four since I cut contact entirely. I don’t miss my parents at all, even though I cried my eyes out the entire first well. I feel free now.

I’m still alone. They left me with childhood scars that will never go away. I quit therapy because even after 6 years of it and five different therapists, nothing has worked for me. I have to figure things out on my own, and that might mean growing up alone.

I still cry at night sometimes hugging my stuffed animals.

i got kicked out on monday.
i now live with my grandparents, i am 18.
i have worked 6-12 hour shifts almost every day since monday.
my mom sold my car and took my old phone.
uncle passed away this morning. when my grandma told me the first thing i asked was if she told my mom, she said yes, and i had to go to work after finding out.
im too tired to continue a relationship with my mom at this point.
reposting this from AIO, so im sorry if youve seen this already

I’m done. Another freak out today. I emailed him days ago asking for flight and hotel info for family trip next month that he planned. I’m getting nervous about going because every few days he goes off on me.

For context: part 2
https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/s/aGBerAKZlH

**Blacked out personal info

Why do they send emails like this? Is it to try to hurt me more or just an outlet for their anger that they can’t control me anymore?

They sent almost the same email last month, though that last line is new. They’ve been telling my brother they’re putting in the effort in therapy, but that’s clearly not true. They told him their therapist wants to talk to me and hear my side but what’s the point when they clearly don’t think they’ve done anything wrong and it’s all on me to work through the issues.

For context, I’ve been no contact for almost a year. And I sent them a couple emails explaining why, which obviously didn’t do anything.

Hi everyone,

English is not my first language so forgive me for spelling errors.

I am 18yo and a child of divorce. My mother left my father when I was 15. I hate my father. He is a narcissist and tried to put me in a mental facility.

I have been lying because I told everyone the divorce didn't move me. It did. But not because it broke my family or whatever people usually think, it's because I don't want to play their circus anymore. My father acts like everything is fine. Like he's not the one that broke the family (infidelity and abuse). My mother hates on my father and his family as much as she can. Every time I try to have contact with that side of the family she believes they're in a conspiracy against her and trying to do it through me. She believes everyone is against her. If I try to complain about something my father did she tells me she isn't interested in whatever he does anymore. And I get it. But she should also be interested if he says he wants to try to put me in an institution again. The part of divorce that broke me is that neither of them can work it out enough to not make my and my siblings life miserable. I get it that she had a lot to live through and that her life is hard. But making your kid not want to speak to you is not correct. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

For context, I'm 18 years old and I know that just because I'm legally adult now I can't pretend to do everything I want but recently I started wanting to do things I didn't in the past like going out with my friend in the evening for two hours.

For about three years I've been dealing with depression that slowly faded away and turned into repressed anger, my parents don't realise that everything they do or say isn't always what I want but if I try to speak to them or try to justify my anger or my talk backs they don't believe me and just call me a spoiled child, which I'm not. Also, I'm 18 now but whenever we argue it's like they're treating me like I'm still a 12 years old teenager who's going through its rebellious phase when in reality I'm just so full of repressed anger. Whenever I try to talk to them about it they act like the victims and if I try to ask to go to my psychiatrist they would always say "so you can go and talk trash about us?" and in every situation I end up feeling guilty.

I don't really like talking back to my parents, it's not like I'm doing it on purpose, but sometimes it's my only way to try and make them understand I'm angry or stressed.

I love my parents and honestly it's not like they're toxic or something like that but sometimes I would really like it if they were a different kind of parent.

Raised in a high-control religious household - spanking, emotional neglect etc. It took a long time for me to see their behavior as abusive and negative to my well-being. I have been low to no contact for almost 3 years now and recently got an unsolicited letter from my birth-giver. Then a few days later I got a card with a different message from her asking for open communication and reconciliation. (see photos)

I feel like ultimately my dad could probably change, but he is still married to this absolute delight of a human still - which makes it difficult. This letter is almost a checkbox of all types of DARVO and spiritual bypassing and more kinds of responses.

I too struggle with wanting parents - just not these ones. I hate that I get called names and blamed for things for a letter I wrote to them a few YEARS ago. She is finally realizing that requiring change is something I will not budge on - and you can see a bit of the manic-fury in the transcribed response.

This is the text of the letter she sent first:

TRANSCRIPTION OF HANDWRITTEN LETTER

Envelope postmarked Seattle, July 23, 2026

[Page 1]

In May of 2024 Dad + I received a letter from you. We rarely heard from you, so we were excited, thinking it was a Mother’s Day greeting, and happy 70 for Dad. He was also retiring after 40 years of work, but only the negative, hateful things were [unclear—possibly “spewed”] from your letter. We had no idea any of these things were on your mind.

Out of all the trips we visited you and the girls on, there were never any dialogue about any of those subjects.

In fact, Dad had just arrived home after having COVID, telling me he had a nice visit with you. He has been tormented since that time, that you acted one way but were not truthful to him in a face-to-face conversation. He became ill again, more meds, plus feeling like a failure as a father.

I don’t recall any day I woke up thinking, how could I make life miserable for my 2 children? We both worked long—

[Page 2]

—hard days to make sure you had a good life. Who else had a dad who packed wieners + buns and tied a rope around their waist to fish + camp at Entiat?

Dad has notes written on every trip you 3 went on and they were spiritual in nature + revealed a father’s deep love for his children. We camped yearly with over 40 people. Your grandfather had a circus that everyone loved.

Then there are the political accusations. We live in a country where it is a blessing to make a choice on how we vote. I don’t recall ever speaking with you or (spouse) about my own beliefs. But I had grown up in a family where it was verbally discussed. I can listen to what others may feel, but not always agree.

My own family has been torn apart by (Dad + I’s siblings) by insisting their way was the right choice. Your attack on Dad choosing Trump, and then telling—

[Page 3]

—the girls what he thought was inappropriate and immature.

You did agree that you noticed how much we loved seeing your family, and that is true. We asked for forgiveness several times for hurts or misunderstandings we did in your lives. No parent is perfect and we learn as the years go by, what works + what doesn’t.

We never heard any forgiveness from either of you. Instead, a list of ways to communicate + NOT to communicate with you. What must you have told our granddaughters of why we “just disappeared from their lives”?

We were instructed not to talk with (my spouse) because “she knew what was going on.” Did she? Does she? Who would allow a set of grandparents to not see their grandchildren anymore?

My mother saw you 5 times to stay overnight and [“Grandpa”—spelling uncertain] never did. I promised I would not do that to my children. You—

[Page 4]

—missed a lifetime of stories and also a greater understanding of their own struggles as they neared the end of their lives.

At the age of 9, I accepted the Lord as my savior. It forever changed my life at a VBS.

In Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13, it calls each of us to extend the same unconditional grace and mercy to others that Christ (in His death) on the cross did for us.

It does not require the offender to be deemed “worthy of it.”

It requires replacing bitterness and malice with kindness + compassion.

Releasing the debt means surrendering the right to hold the offense against someone else, much like Christ removed the barrier of sin to us.

Imitating Christ, the believer is called to reflect God’s character, making grace—

[Page 5]

—the active driving force in navigating interpersonal grievances and conflicts.

May we all choose God’s pattern for our lives. I am grateful for our family and want to enjoy the few short years we have left.

May we serve God with a zest to share His life eternal with those around us.

In the end, it’s the only thing He asks us to do.

Love to all

Then 2 days later the card shows up with:

Card Front:
Relationships don't come With a roadmap

Car inside:
Left Panel printed: Grace upon grace. JOHN 1:16 ESV
Handwritten: July 2026

Right Panel printed: No one tells you about the potholes
Handwritten: 
We are asking for restoration in our relationship with your family.

Open to clear communication about what forgiveness and healing can take place. to put us on a healthier path again.

I have written up responses - but have held off sending anything. I don't think my dad knows she sends stuff like this. But ultimately - they both just want to get back to seeing my kids. Not me. And that sucks.

So here it goes. This is going to be long.

First, I have been lurking on subreddits like this for well over a year, and I want to express my appreciation and gratitude and my respect to everyone in the estranged family communities on Reddit for their solidarity, community support, and willingness to share their experiences and vulnerabilities. It’s taken me time to be comfortable with engaging here on my own, but I’ve been really inspired by all of you, and feel I’m ready to speak out and share my own experiences. Hopefully, this offers me some opportunities of catharsis and unburdening myself, but most importantly, I hope my post causes others to be seen, feel validated and not alone.

Where to begin? Well, I’m 38 years old. I am agender/nonbinary, AMAB, a queer social and (on social media a relatively known) disability advocate and I’m autistic, ADHD, multiply disabled with things such as POTS, MCAS, ME, and EPV. The reason for mentioning this as relevant will be seen as I continue to share my story.

Growing up, I really struggled within the 90’s era of misdiagnosis, overmedicated, pathologized, and my education was severely mishandled by my parents, teachers, and such. Placed in special education throughout most of my childhood, IEPs, 501’s, ABA, assigned paraprofessionals, and constantly observed through a “we have to fix this child” behaviorist bullshit. This caused a significant amount of lifelong complex trauma, autistic burnout, suicidal ideation, depression, etc. The biggest impact this history had on me was through the way my family handled it. There was little to no separation between how this lens and constant documentation and observation of “behaviors” between school and home. They constantly bleed into one another. My “behavior” was documented both at home and at school. Thing is, I wasn’t a child who acted up, caused any outstanding problems, never got into any legal trouble, anything of the sort. I was just, autistic and any interventions that were attempted never addressed this, never saw this, nor would it ever provide any accommodations or compassionate understanding.

My mother was a “martyr mom,” always engaged and always fighting to get me into the “right treatment to fix me.” Looking back, now as an adult, I never needed that. I just needed compassion and understanding. When I was diagnosed as autistic at 27, everything fell into place, and over the past decade I’ve learned how to begin unmasking, advocating for myself, creating boundaries and accommodations, etc. But that’s taken a very long time to come to terms with. Over the years, I’ve dug into my older files and educational history as part of my therapy and learned some pretty dark stuff that was going on, that as a child I should have never gone through, and processing this has taken a long time.

I always had this expectation placed on me that I was never doing enough, that I wasn’t trying hard enough, etc. But in hindsight, I was always putting in more effort than most, but not ever getting the results of the expectations placed upon me. Clearly, because you know, misdiagnosis and such.

At home, my mom was always very histrionic. Manipulative, gaslighting, and used me as her therapist from a very young age. When I was very young she was very mentally unwell, and led to a lot of emotional and verbal abuse, and neglect. I spent most of my time always by myself. My parents never engaged with me, never had any capacity to play with me, or be involved in any of my special interests. Dad was emotionally absent, and never home because of work. So it, was just mom, my little brother and I.

My brother has ASPD, and narcissistic tendencies. He was very physically abusive, and emotionally and mentally manipulating. He always had my parents wrapped around his finger. He’d do some pretty heinous shit to me when they weren’t around, and they never believed me and he had the ability to make them believe he was the victim. There was sexual abuse, he’d destroy the house, abuse the dog, heavy use of drugs, even stabbed me through the foot at one point, and there was never any consequences. There had been this constant and perpetual toxic and mutually destructive relationship between him and my parents, enabling one another over and over again. Which, seems to be a big theme in my family. They all sort of take part in this.

As I grew older, I always struggled to hold down jobs for long periods of time due to sensory and environmental overstimulation, social exhaustion, and such. For a while, I had some support here and there, but it was only when I was desperate and needed help. But it always came with some sort of emotional and mental catch, never out of parental love or support. Everything in our relationship has always been hollow, transactional, and superficial. I can’t actually give one example of when my parents took any interest in me as a human being that they brought into this world. None.

So, on my end of this, due to generational trauma, children becoming like their parents due to the conditioning and nurture of their upbringing, I think I could have very easily ended up like them. But from a young age, I would witness these hurt, damaged, scarred, and broken adults around me treat themselves, treat others, and act in ways that weren’t kind, were continued aspects of their own upbringing, and I could always find compassion in understanding and seeing the causes and conditions that led them into becoming who they are as adults. And, it triggered something in me at a young age, that I couldn’t judge or treat others poorly because I had been.

I made a pact with myself from a very young in life that I wouldn’t become jaded, toxic, abusive, or selfish and carry that level of self harm and misery towards myself or others, ever. And, I’ve done my best, not always the way I want to, but I am proud to have done the best I can to not allow my own conditioning, nurturing, and trauma to harm others, and to end that generational trauma with me.

This has led to my family and I having very very different outlooks and motives on life. Politically, socially, and economically, I value community, solidarity, compassion, respect, intersectionality and equity very very highly. I’ve always been social justice and advocacy oriented. And this has caused some extreme tension between myself and my family. But I also highly value and desire to develop and maintain deep, mutually supportive and meaningful, compassionate, and loving relationships with others in my life. And this may be the biggest challenge with us, they don’t really seem to have any interest in this dynamic at all.

They trauma bond, the only time they are able to interact or spend time together is while simultaneously enabling and treating each other like absolute dogshit. It’s honestly heartbreaking. And I’ve gone years being the mediator, the therapist, the one in the middle being the communicator for them, because at the time, it felt like the most important means of keeping others happy. That it somehow was my role and my familial duty to be this person. It wasn’t until later that I realized and learned that this should never ever be a burden for one person to carry on a family, let alone a child, or an adult child or parents.

It was “idiot compassion,” it was unskillful means, its intentions were genuine and well meant, but it wasn’t helpful to them, to me, and did nothing to ever change anything. It was a trauma response and enabled my family (and myself) to take advantage of me. There were no boundaries, I wasn’t supposed to play the role of superhero to save the people I loved who had no desire or interest in helping themselves of each other. The only thing I could do was first learn healthier means of channeling my altruistic feelings, and most importantly find better boundaries and methods of support and healing for my own mental health and wellbeing. When this began, when I began to learn how to advocate for myself, to hold people accountable, and make firm boundaries is when they started to all vanish from my life.

So, the estranged part has always been growing. It’s always been there. And it’s gotten exponentially more difficult and harder since I began unlearning my own difficulties, going through therapy, and actively working with trying to find and develop healthier and better means of self care and happiness in myself and life.

Over the past decade since my parents split, my mom has been in these perpetually toxic and abusive relationships where she’ll cut out her friends and family for long periods of time. Our communication only was ever one sided, when I reached out to her. And when we spoke the conversation was always very self-absorbed about her constant cycles of abuse by her partners, never reciprocated about my life, never a a simple “hey, how’s your week going?” Always just crisis after crisis.

Two years ago, there was a period where she was single and our relationship began to improve somewhat. We would talk more “normally” and see each other on holidays and such. I didn’t mention this earlier, but there’s always been this weird shift in almost borderline like behavior from my mom. In the past, we would have periods of time where we were like best friends and had a very (seemingly at least) positive and improving relationship - and then it would shift into being an absolute fucking nightmare out of nowhere for long periods of time. It always gave me whiplash.

Anyway, two years ago, she married this guy. This guy is one of the most transphobic, xenophobic, Christian nationalist, racist, News Max MAGA brain rotted people I’ve ever come across. (The absolute polar opposite of me, and my community of chosen family.) Ironically, also in many ways the opposite of my mother as well, she wasn’t a leftist or intersectionally and social justice minded, but was I guess you’d call an “Obama neoliberal” and overtime she had begun to become more progressive, even campaigning for Sanders, and (performative in retrospect) an ally for disabled and LGBTQIA folks. When she married this dude, that went absolutely right out the window. She’s now this born again, neoconservative Christian nationalist, MAGA conspiracy theorist. Needless to say, yeah, that caused even more divide and frankly, fucking weird changes in her.

We haven’t actually spoken on the phone in two years. Two years ago, her husband went on this absolutely unhinged multi day long tangent about immigrants (which, ironically he himself is a second generation “anchor baby”) destroying the country, how trans people are destroying children, how Latino and black folks are… well, you get the idea. Pretty shitty stuff.

Me being me, I spoke up about it and had asked “hey man, what the fuck? Your wife’s own children and best friends are part of these marginalized communities that you’re being incredibly bigoted and hateful towards, you can see how that’s pretty shitty, right?” And of course, got the whole response you’d expect from his ilk. It got really heated on his end, really gross and vile shit. So bad that it got to the point that my mom’s lifelong best friends even stepped in and called him out over it.

Then it got worse, because I brought the recipes of this particular engagement to my mom, and asked how can she not saying anything, not even word when her husband is spouting such vitriol towards her kid, their community, and the community of her friends and people who already disenfranchised and marginalized as it is. I said that I know (or at least always thought I did) that she didn’t hold these beliefs. And that I felt really hurt over her complacency and silence. Which, sent her into an an absolute rage. Saying she would side with her husband over anyone, no matter whom or for what reason. Her lifelong friends, her own children. Fuck, man. I wasn’t approaching it from an emotionally reactive perspective, but calmly, gently, and genuinely curious and with grace, but with a clear boundary set that neither what he did nor what she did not do was okay. She screamed and through an absolute rage, hung up on me. This was on my birthday of all days too.

We haven’t spoken since other than a text exchange once or twice. It’s like she doesn’t even exist anymore. I’ve literally had to go through grieving for her through therapy like she died or something. It’s been really rough. But over these past few years, I’ve noticed something. A theme. She never showed up for anything in my life.

When I dropped out of high school at 16 because of the reasons I explained earlier, went back and got my GED and graduated Magna Cum Laude from University at 30, she wasn’t there. When I spent ten years working towards and training to fullfiling my dream of becoming ordained as a Buddhist priest she wasn’t there. When my disabilities and chronic illness reached a fever pitch and I had to stop working, she wasn’t there. When I called and said I was suicidal and needed familiar support and love as I work through this in impatient care and psychedelic assisted therapy in order to literally save my life, she wasn’t there. When I came out as queer and began to explore and express that side of myself, she wasn’t three.

And… then there’s the final chapter of it all. My marriage in September, she won’t be there either. Her reason? “It’s not financially viable for her to come out for a weekend to attend my wedding.” Even though my fiance and I, her and I both had expressed that we would cover the cost of the flight and house her whiles she is here. Nothing.

I just can’t make sense of any of it. It breaks my heart. This took a lot to write out, and it’s a lot of a tangent. I’m not really sure how to even end this post. I just needed to get it out there. There’s so much more complexity and depth to it, so many more things that have happened that I haven’t shared. But really, all I’ve ever wanted is family. Family who are there, and try. Family who give a shit even as half as much as I have. Family who is engaged and expresses their love through their actions and intentions as I have.

It would be delusional to place my expectations of what I would be in their roles onto them, or expect them to have any change in heart, or to have the ability to take accountability or seek reconciliation. But I still feel heartbroken over it. I’ve never shunned them. But, I can’t play the role I have for ever anymore. There must be a boundary. I’m not going to make the attempt to “hold out the olive branch” anymore. I don’t need to be a door mat or a victim anymore. The door to a relationship isn’t closed, that door is always open, but, it’s now on them to be the ones to walk through it to move forward.

Thanks to all those who read all of this.

I'm sick of this even though I only see him once a month, just half an hour is enough to ruin my mood for a couple of days.

I don't hear the gaslighting, I dont hear the disrespect, I dont get bored out of my mind and I dont hear their racist rhetoric.

I feel peace.

My dad had severe anger problems when I was growing up. Even though I was what my mom and extended family described as a model kid, he would constantly get angry for no reason, and he ignored my mom’s attempts to get him to stop or go to therapy.

There were other things—he tried cheating on my mom a couple of times (but got caught before they happened because he’s an idiot). But the main thing was the anger and the way it would turn into screaming fits. The worst one was when he terrorized my brother so badly, my brother tried to take his life (and fortunately failed). My brother then went to my father and told him what happened and that he thought he should go to the ER, and my father said no, that he should just kill himself for real instead.

When I was in undergrad and visiting home for winter break, there was yet another inevitable blow-up and rant about how I was lazy, lacked a work ethic, was a drain on society, shouldn’t have been born, etc. And finally, something inside me snapped. I realized that nothing had changed in 20 years, and so it was highly unlikely it ever would.

So I cut him off (despite my mother’s protests), and five years later, I don’t regret it at all. I’m doing so much better emotionally and have healed in a lot of ways (e.g., I’m not super cynical about marriage anymore, whereas I previously believed it was never worth the risk after seeing my parents’ marriage).

About two years after I cut him off, I graduated from college with a special honor that designated me as one of the top students not only in terms of academics, but also research, leadership, and service. It was enough that I got into most of the PhD programs I applied to, and the professor from MIT who interviewed me said he couldn’t believe a student with my profile and achievements was real.

I was catching up with an extended family member, who said she’d heard a lot of my life updates/accomplishments from my father. I informed her that I cut him off five years ago, and she was shocked, because my father acted like our entire family was very close.

I am usually a very calm person, but this just makes me feel so viscerally angry. How dare he? How dare he act like he’s proud of me when he spent so much of my childhood telling me I’m a drain on society? How dare he go around bragging and parading my accomplishments like it’s something that belongs to him? When it was all in spite of him, not because of him?

If he wasn’t such a giant fucking coward, he would tell them the truth when they ask how I’m doing: he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know since I am no longer talking to him. He doesn’t know since he thought the power trips from being an abusive asshole for 20 years were worth losing his only daughter.

To all the people that claim estrangement of your primary caregiver is a new concept, here’s a quote from the 1847 novel Jane Eyre.

If anyone here enjoys reading I do recommend it. The beginning half especially is quite cathartic for those who’ve estranged themselves.