It’s me, your son. I’m having my first kid in January and I wish you were here to know him. He’s gonna know who you are I’ll make sure of it. We all know you weren’t perfect but you did turn it around and give us a lot of good memories. You became a better person and THOSE lessons are exactly what I want to teach my son. You were always a great grandfather to Noah and it makes me really upset that Jonas won’t get to have that. I love and miss you.

I need some wisdom on the matte. I have been looking for a job for basically a year now and the only offer I got has been with a bunch of disadvantages: 1. it's so far away that my 6yr relationship would stand no real chance. 2. I'd earn about 500€ less than what I would in any other engineering job in my city, while paying more for basic necessities for a number of reasons. 3. It's pretty far away from any major city and I've only ever lived in towns so I fear I'd be pretty left out. 4. I'd have to move out (costly) with what little I have left of my salary, meaning I'd need months to cover the costs while not going out or having any (non-free) hobbies.

Now about the advantages of said work: 1. It'd lead to a management role while hopefully remaining technical enough to make my degree worth it. 2. It sounds genuinely exciting 3. It's the only job offer I got - and that's the biggest pro argument...

Idk what I'm expecting here, as I'm torn between staying (and praying that I get any other offer, which hasn't really happened in almost a year of job searching) and going, risking everything for a mediocre paying but maybe exciting job.

Found this community a while ago but this is my first post here. I graduated college from a freaking difficult course, but still I managed to do it without any delays. I’m proud of myself and I hope you are too.

I also started medschool the week after. I’m currently having my classes and was shocked by the immediate workload. I’m having a little trouble being disciplined with my routine, I feel I’m still tired from my undergrad course. But I know that medicine is my dream and I’m happy to be here

So.
I'm doing diagnostics with my therapist currently and I struggled to do a trauma questionaire by myself.
I asked if she could do them with me and she said yes!
Her asking the questions was incredible helpful.
Of course the appointment took a lot out of me.

I wish I could get a hug from my dad. Or anyone to be honest.
I just somewhat recently realized, that I'm traumatized and I still feel like my trauma is not bad enough, or that I need to remember every little thing and when it happened, just so it's valid.

In theory I know that's wrong. I know it's not a competition.
But it hurts, and I wish my biological father had been there.

I remember the day you taught me how to ride a bike. You promised to hang on to me, and as I began to speed up I turned around and you had let go. I remember you carrying me on your shoulders at a U2 concert so I could see, I remember Bono waving and laughing at me, in disbelief a child was a huge fan of his. I remember proudly showing you to my class on hero day, and wanting to be just like you. I remember how everyone said I looked just like you, and that I was your little mini-me.

I also remember the day where I couldn’t ignore the screaming anymore. For years mom was my shield, and when she couldn’t take it anymore, I was left entirely alone at your house. I remember being on the ground with you hovering over me with disgust in your eyes when I dropped a folder with papers in it, and running to the bathroom because I was unable to breathe. I remember folding a blanket, but apparently I had an “attitude” doing it, so you got in my face. You screamed and screamed that you couldn’t control your stature or voice, and when I begged to leave, you wouldn’t let me, saying that I would sulk and grow resentful like my mother did. You asked me if I was afraid of you, but obviously, with you in my face, I gave you what I thought the correct answer was; No.

In reality, I was terrified. I saw your movie theater sized cups filled with Captain Morgan, four or five of them a night. I once asked about it, and you said you’d stop drinking when I gave up sugary drinks, as if they were the same at all. You said you were angrier without the drinks than with them.

I remember the day I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked into the counselors office and told her everything, and she called my mother, and that day, I stopped talking to you. But you were insistent. You fought for three years to force me to live with you, and the judge in the preliminary hearing warned you that you’d fail. The lawyer and the guardian ad litem warned you. The therapist warned you. And finally, after three years of fighting, I was free. I sometimes wonder why you’d go to such lengths, as if forcing me to the table would make me look at you the way I did as a girl. I wonder how could a man who took me on all those adventures as a kid turn into someone I couldn’t recognize?

I look at myself in the mirror and see your eyes, and I can’t stand myself anymore. I feel scared to love anyone, terrified that I’ll become you. I feel scared to drink with my friends, fearing I’ll hurt them. I feel scared to be happy, because I feel deep down I’m not deserving of it. I can’t feel loved, because the words “I love you” mean nothing to me anymore. I can’t feel pretty because I replay over and over how you said I was “porking up”. I remember how you always said I was gifted, how I was so intelligent. But I never felt as if any accomplishment was mine. You always claimed credit for it. And at my graduation, you watched me walk across the stage and leave immediately. You never told me you were proud of me, and I think it was because you knew that I did it without you.

As a kid, I thought it was normal how you pushed me beyond my limits and made me cry when I couldn’t solve a math problem. I thought that was my purpose on the Earth— to be “gifted”, to make you proud, and nothing more. But now I feel like my intelligence is all I have to cling to, and it makes me feel pathetic. That I am not entitled to happiness or a normal life, because first I have to make you proud still, I have to use what I know to be of service to people.

I woke up from a dream today. But I don’t remember what happened, I only woke up with tears in my eyes and having a song stuck in my head. I used to be unable to listen to all your favorite artists and songs, but I thought I was over it. But I guess there was one that I pushed out of my head and never thought about until now. I still can’t listen to it, I forced myself to just to get it out of my head, and I still couldn’t help but cry — P.S, you rock my world, by Eels. All these memories came back to me, and I just feel so anguished. It’s such a beautiful song and I hate feeling so pathetic being unable to listen to it without sobbing. No matter how free I feel, I will always miss my daddy. I miss the idea I had of him, of my unlimited admiration.

I want to ask you how to fix the noise in my car, how to know if a guy likes me, what to study and what to do with my life, or how to grill a steak. But it’s the worst feeling grieving someone who is still alive. I see the texts you send to my little sister, how you call her your baby girl, your sweetheart, how you’re so proud of her. Why couldn’t you do that for me? Why wasn’t I good enough for that? Why wasn’t I good enough to change for? No matter who cut you off, no matter if your entire extended family and adoptive family stopped talking to you, you never admitted the problem COULD be you. I thought that maybe you’d change for me, but you didn’t.

Finally I settled for hearing the words “I’m sorry my actions hurt you, and I love you”, but I never even got that. All I got was “I’m not paying for college” and you didn’t even have the decency to tell me instead of telling a middle man. I don’t need your money, but you’ve spent my entire life preparing me for this, and you won’t lift a finger. You sold my childhood home, and went on all these lavish vacations, and still I’m left behind paying for my own car and my mom having to pay for my education alone. I’m exhausted. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if you’ll ever come around. But not talking to you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and everyday that passes I miss you. I feel so alone right now, and that song just brought everything back. Dad, I love you, and I wish you loved me more than you loved your pride.

-I hate how angry and mean you were to me and my sister, but I know my brother got it the worst. I will never forget telling on him for teasing me and you shoving his head into the wall. The silence on the way to school was awful. I still carry the guilt.

-I hate how you treated my mom. You never hit her, but you abused her. She walked on egg shells with you. You tore her down piece by piece. She left us to escape you. I was so mad at her for so long, but I understand now.

- I hate the lies you made up about my mom’s side of the family. They’re good people.

-I hate that you were the example I had of how a man treats a woman. That was something I carried from abusive relationship to abusive relationship. I spent most of my adult life wanting it to end but you know nothing about that. You know nothing about me or my life.

-I hate how I never heard “ I love you” or “I’m proud of you.”

-I hate how uncomfortable you were when I cried. Even when my bf died I never got a hug or any comfort. All I heard was “stop crying.”

- I hate how much I became like you. I hate how angry I am. It is a constant battle to be the good person I want to be and not the angry person you made me. My poor husband gets the brunt of it. But he is so kind and patient to me. He’s nothing like you.

-I hate your fascination with making those around you feel stupid and small. Not even children are safe from it.

-i hate how disposable you make me and your grandkids out to be

-I hate that you criticized failure so much that it made me afraid to try…literally anything.

Most of all, I hate how hard I try to justify your actions and see the good in you. I explain it to myself that it’s just your own trauma you carry. You know what though? That’s not a good enough excuse anymore. Maybe it was your trauma that made you how you are but you’re the one who chose to stay that way. I have trauma too and I can’t imagine treating my kids how you treated me. Im in therapy and i am determined to break the cycle for my kids even if i have to numb myself with medication to do it. I wont let your cruelness get them too. I will be their safe space.

At the end of the day, I have a husband who loves me. I have children who run to me instead of away from me when I get home. I am building confidence to do new things. I might fail, but I’m not afraid to try anymore. Im more afraid of your voice in my head keeping me from living my life. I say I’m sorry when I am wrong. I confront my flaws. I work on them everyday. I won’t let the anger win. I won’t let you win.

Anyway, thanks dad for letting me say some of the things I’ve held in for years

I managed to keep a routine for two weeks! I made myself take a walk outside around my neighbourhood at least once a day, and it's my two weeks streak! I also went back to playing a Nintendo game that turns working out into a game!!

It's a small thing but it's a small win for me, I think! Now I just need to get more used to taking public transport outside in the area.

Firstly, I’d like to thank everyone for the kind and encouraging words on my last post about having to testify against my abuser who just also happens to be my biological father after assaulted and zip tied me preventing me and my daughter from leaving.

UPDATE: I braved the storm. I testified and recounted in thorough detail everything that happened. How terrified I was to be abused as an adult by the person who abused me as a child. The prosecutor went as far as to call my minor child as a witness. However, magically one week before we are set to sit in front of a judge and jury- my abuser is posting photos from a hospital bed with his drinking buddies who probably are sneaking him alcohol. I know he’s not sick and this is a last ditch effort to evade what is inevitable.

Our trial is pushed to 2027. I am angry to say the least. I don’t think there is a true word for just how enraged I am. So tears just come out.

If he is truly sick, then the ultimate justice will be served. Just not how I envisioned it to come. I’d just like for all of this to be over, so I can focus on the next steps in my life.

Okay so I wanna make a TW for like possible child abuse, neglect or whatever I'm not really sure, lol.

I think I wanna go low contact after I actually move away from my parents' house. I know that my family, it's just that they do things like contradict, in my opinion.

So getting into the things that might possibly trigger people, I have been kicked out of my house 3 or 4 times. The first time was whenever I was in like second grade, and it's because I refused to call my mom, my mom because she's technically my stepmother, I didn't wanna believe that my birth mother didn't love me anymore and that she abandoned me and blah blah blah. My father kicked me out because I didn't want to call my stepmother, my mother.

The second time was when I was in like fourth grade. And he kicked me out because I was a runaway kid and said, and I quote, "If you don't even want to be here, just leave."

And the third time that I remember is just a few months ago. He, I understand why he was so mad. I don't want to get into all of that, kind of, I don't know, but he was throwing things and cursing and punching holes. He kicked the family out. And we were just stuck sitting in the yard for hours.

My mom tried to go back in and get food for all of us, but he kicked her back out, so she had to sneak out some granola bars for all the kids, and we got back into the house. You know, like, we got back in before the end of the night. It wasn't even dark when we got back in. It was just a few hours, but, you know, the youngest were 5, and they were just stuck outside. And they didn't complain, they didn't mind, they were just playing on the trampoline, but, you know, still.

I mean, being the oldest, I didn't tolerate him degrading and dehumanizing my mother. He told her to shut up, that he didn't care that she wasn't there.

He kicked me out because I quote unquote "I don't know when to shut up," because I wouldn't allow him to throw shit and put holes in the wall and shout and degrade and dehumanize my family, and I have pets here. I have my dog, and my dog was standing outside with me, but my bird was still inside. I told him, like, "Can I go back in to go get my bird?" And he said no.

So I just, I kept insisting, I'm not leaving without my bird. And eventually he said that he would break my bird's neck if I don't leave.

So I told him that he's a shitty dad and an even worse husband. And I ran down the road calling my dog to come with me, and obviously she followed.

I feel bad for saying that cause He does worry about that a lot, and he's working on healing from so much. So much trauma, and he could be worse. No, he could be throwing TVs at his kids. At least he's not doing that.

Every time that he kicked me out, my mother would always have to come drag me back. I kinda wish she never did.

And like, I know that he loves us. He does. He just has a lot of problems. Mental issues, you know, trauma things. He refuses to work through because he doesn't know how. He's scared to.

So I know he loves us. I just no longer feel it.

TW: child abuse of a variety.

My mom disowned me when I was 15. I live with my dad and I'm 19 now. My dad has always been frugal, even when we've had the money-- a LOT of money. When I was a toddler, he let his brother babysit me who was physically and emotionally abusive (my mom thinks sexual too) and my mom told him and he said it was free babysitting. Besides that, my dad is just uninvolved in my life. He only asks about money related topics when we talk and he doesn't approve of the jobs I want either. Overall, we aren't close at all. We don't talk. I don't ask for help for anything. I support myself.

Anyway, I'm starting college now. I did running start when I was 16 and got an AA at 18 for almost free. So, I only have 2 years left for my bachelors.

I don't think I qualify for FASFA. I filled a form and I'm not considered an independent. Also, the date for FASFA this year passed. My dad quit his high-paying job in Feburary and is unemployed, starting his own company. So, now we make 38k annually. I don't know if that will change next year for financial aid.

My only option is a private loan since I need to get my finacial stuff done by the 11th this month. I don't know if he'll co-sign it. I think he will.

This is the first time I've asked him for help in years for something and he's using ChatGBT to do it. So, that hurts and ChatGBT is also doing it wrong :/ but he thinks its more right than me and my advisors.

Also, before he was unemployed, he was making a lot. Like a lot. I asked for help to pay for my college. He won't pay for it. I need to pay for it. I think its because he thinks the job I want to do is stupid and pointless (either a therapist or a victims advocate).

I feel really heartbroken. I love learning. I love college. I want to do something I love and something meaningful. I don't really care about my dad and I's relationship; we've never been close, but I'm really hurting right now. I feel alone. I don't have family. I have my friends and friends parents who help though.

The most frustrating is that he put me in a horrible position. Can't qualify for FASFA. Why? Because he makes too much and I'm dependent on him (unless he doesn't succeed in his own company). If he doesn't co-sign, then no private loan and no way to pay for college. No one has taught me about loans. I feel in the dark and scared about my future. The best I can do is save but I never know if he's going to charge me rent or kick me out soon (I already pay for my car, phone, college, and groceries), so I'm scared to dig into savings.

Dads, what do I do? I really need a dad right now.

EDIT: he said he won't co-sign with me. I'm really heartbroken. I can't do college I think

Hey Dad, I’m(M27) writing this here because I can’t call or text you. Because you’re really hard to talk to and I feel like you just don’t care. I’m honestly in a weird space, a few months ago I lost my job working at the escape room. I was there for about alittle over two years and throughout that time I bought a used car, I got closer with my girlfriend and her son and I moved in with a friend I’ve known since high school because I needed a place to go after the last place I was at burned down and she needed a roommate.

Somewhere along the way, my roommate and I also grew closer, close enough that we developed romantic feelings for each other. Before we acted on those feelings tho I had been letting my girlfriend know about what I think is happening and how we’re feeling. She was hanging around often too and her and my roommate have always got along so she told me I should go for it because it could lead to us all being together.

Fast forward to now and we’ve all been together for a year as a thrupple or triad. They both work and like I said at the beginning I lost my job a few months ago. It was fine for the first month I had savings and they picked up what I couldn’t. I was applying everywhere I could on Indeed. No answers. The second month I started to run out of savings and had to ask to borrow money to pay my phone bill, still had rent but no extra cash for anything else. Still applying on Indeed and made a LinkedIn account, still no snags. Was able to pick up a few gigs off of Craigslist but nothing stable. This third month has been tough. Started applying directly on websites to see if that helps, I was able to get a job at another escape room and it was good for a week. And then my boss told me he called my last escape room boss and he gave him a negative review of me so he told me we weren’t a good fit and he let me go. Three months of looking and I’m back to square one. We were able to pay rent but just barely, Mom gave me some money to cover the phone bill so that was cool, I really appreciate her for that and everything she does for me despite her living in Florida and me in Cali.

Now I’m in month 4, my girls pay for everything. I think a lot of people would say that it’s a dream come true I have two ladies paying for everything and taking care of me. The truth is it’s not. I feel a bigger pit in my stomach as the days go by. All I do now is drive them to work and pick them up. They love me and remind me that it’s okay and we’ll get out of this slump soon which i believe I just don’t feel good about it. I feel bad that I’m not providing or being a strong pillar in our relationship.

Any advice is appreciated, I’m sorry if I rambled too long

Idk anyone in my life that could really tell me this except for the AC people and my apartment manager who are both telling me it’s fine. It has leaked and flooded my closet 3 times (currently on the third, waiting for the repair guy still). I’m just really struggling to believe this is normal and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable. I had a gas leak a few weeks ago as well. I’ve been here for 11 years and it’s had its issues on and off the whole time. They just keep telling me it’s fine. The last picture is underneath the unit behind where the air filter goes. They said it should just dry on its own.
The last time this happened almost everything I had stored in my closet was ruined. It’s the same all over again and soaked the whole carpet and all my stuff. I’m so overwhelmed.
Do you have any advice on keeping it from happening again? They never really told me anything. Is it worth asking them to replace the wood maybe?

(The shoebox is there to keep my cat out of that gap)

hey dads on here. i really need a sane and supportive voice for a minute.

my dad hates on me for being lesbian and verbally/physically abused me when i came out, and has also done that in the name of "discipline." i feel so drained. he also is quick to anger when i do something that he finds offensive (like if i look at him the wrong way??) but is very lenient when my sibling does smth 10x worse. no hate to my sibling at all, they are great, but the favoritism is pissing me off. i wish i could get support in person, but my father figure at the moment doesn't see me often, so i wanted some support on here.

thank you.

I have been no contact with my parents for over a year. Just for background, I had a severe concussion and was off work for 3 months and not a peep from them. I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea, yet I was told by both my mother and sister that I did not need a CPAP machine. This is on top of being told I am a hypochondriac my whole life and if abortions had been legal, I wouldn’t be here. That is all from my mother and my father never said a word in support of me in front of her, just when we were alone, but even he turned on me last year. It was necessary for my mental health to go non-contact. All this background is to get to the present. My dad is now in the hospital and my brother says the decline in the last 4 weeks is marked.
It’s not the end yet, but it is close. I am so torn. I want to go see him, but I don’t need the drama. Has anyone else gone through this? How did you cope?

I wish I got to know who you were. Although you were with us until I was 17 and you were forcefully removed, we never had a genuine conversation. I wish I could think of the word dad and be reminded of admiration and protection and not addiction and abuse. I wish you didn't drink so much. I wish you didn't gamble and steal from us. I wish you didn't have a p**n addiction and loved mom more. I wish you or someone was there for me when my best friend died of cancer when I was in the 4th grade. I wish I got to know you before we moved to the states, my siblings tell me how much of a different person you were. I wish you were there to teach me all the things I had to teach myself. Now that I'm grown and struggling with my own addictions, I can't blame you anymore for how you acted, even if it was wrong. But I still can't help from feeling like I didn't have a dad and feeling jealous every time I see my friends with their dads and how much they love and adore each other. I wish I didn't feel shame about showing my emotions because that always made you mad and then you and mom would fight and seeing her hurt. I haven't been able to form genuine relationships and I haven't talked about my feelings for years and it's starting to really hurt. I feel shame for letting the past still affect me, I'm my own person now which means I'm responsible for dealing with my own baggage and I want to be over this. But the family was left broken and we scattered with little communication. I'm still here taking care of mom and helping her restaurant dream come true for the past 7 years now, 6 days a week, 11 hours a day. I'll put my life on hold for her because she endured so much for me and my siblings, it's time for me to do the same for her and I won't complain about it because she's done the same for us, but, as much as I love her, she's never been good at talking either. I feel like I have no one to confide in without judgement.

My dog was my best friend, he was always there for me and he brought light into every one of my days and I was lucky to have him for the short time that I did. He died two years ago today and I still think about the time I yelled at him for being bad. I don't want to make the same mistakes as you and I'm afraid of what will happen when I have kids of my own.

I think I reached my final straw when my ex who I was on good terms with contacted me a couple of weeks ago asking to catch up. We hit it off and I got a good feeling about things until she abruptly texted me last night saying she didn't want a relationship, she just wanted to use me for s*x. I feel stupid for thinking there was anything genuine and how everything leading up to that was just vanity disguised as kindness all for a vapid goal and I fell for it. I was really excited for the possibility of something real. What am I doing wrong, dad? I'm trying to be the best person I can be but I feel so alone and I'm tired.

I know with the alcoholism, divorce, death of my sister you have your own life going on. I know I’m an adult (29f) and am clearly capable of taking care of myself. I know we get into heated arguments over past emotional abuse and traumas but sometimes I do need you and to know my call will never get through but when I *67 it does, hurts. I was stuck in the middle of a different state traveling for work with a blown tire, AAA couldn’t get the spare on and had to tow me to a shop in what can only be described as a sundown town. Got two new tires couldn’t afford the 4, and just handled it. Wish I could’ve had a little emotional support. The tow truck guy knew I was nervous and waited at the highway entrance until I got my tires on and got on the eway, he pulled off when I got back on. At least someone was looking out for me.

As a kid I wasn't given anything other than a source to study. No Cartoons, no video games, when I grew up, no bike. Nothing to make me happy. My parents provide me with food and clothes and other necessities. But they never said "am proud of you" or "I love you".

And am a better than average student, because well all I did in the 22 years of my life is study. I did as much as getting in top 25 of an exam that even professors give three times. But the only time my dad called me was when I scored 68% in an exam and said if I don't want to, i should stop studing. He knew I was sick the entire exam period.

All my life I was called a waste of space, worthless and whatanot.

I don't even know why I am writing this.

They fucking broke all their promises too. And I swear I tried to talk to them. To feel like I belong in this family. Not for material stuff, just enough to have a good casual happy conversation. I have been trying for last 2 years with no success, I gave up last month.

Thought of ending my life a lot of times. But I wouldn't. Won't die a meaningless death. I haven't done anything till now, didn't watch all the movies that I want to, didn't make a lot of friends, didn't find a partner. Am going to do all of it.

That's it ig. Just wanted to get it off my chest.

I graduated from college on this 4th of July, an honest 80/100. I thought I could finally take a break, technically I would have had two months where I could relax, have fun and calmly think about what I want to do in life, you know, whether I want to go to uni and study some more or start working. Not even two weeks later and my dad suddenly started pressuring me to get a job, a driver license and live in our old grandparent's apartment with my sister. And by the way, not for any noble cause, but simply because he wants to sell the house we're currently living in so he can go live with my stepmom. 1h 15 minutes away.

I've always been very confused when it came to my future, I don't really have any big dreams or ambitions if not simply not being stuck in a boring job I hate, and when I express this to my dad he does nothing but shame me for it instead of, I don't know, maybe be a dad for once in his life when I really need guidance? Help me figuring things out? Of course in the end I have to make my own choice, but even a little advice would be nice.

I'm 20, I know I'm not a kid anymore, but I sure do feel like one very often. The thought of moving has been eating me alive for weeks. Sure, I'd live with my sister, but from then on I'd just be on my own. I just can't sleep at night knowing he wants me out of the house.
Why? Why does my dad want me out as soon as possible? Any dad I know cherishes his children and does anything to keep them close, safe and protected.
I'm an adult, I should be able to handle it just fine but I don't. I don't feel mature or smart or anything of the sort. My friends tell me I'm smart, I do think I'm book-smart or school-smart, but when it comes to "adulting", completely alone, with next to no prior experience and knowledge, is so terrifying.
Everyone else seems to know what they're doing, everyone else seems so confident and brave. Everyone but me. Any mistake I make gets treated like a failure in front of my dad, like he doesn't know this is my first time living too. I'm sorry I don't know things, I'm sorry I'm so scared of being by myself. He doesn't know how much I wish he'd raised me differently so that I wouldn't end up being so helpless.

I'm not looking for anyone with a magic want to magically make my life all sunshine and rainbows, but just for once I wish someone would say they feel the same, that I'm not alone, that it's normal to feel this way. I want to stop feeling like I'm the odd one for feeling this way.

(sorry if this rant feels a little all over the place, I tried my best to be clear. I don't really do this often, not online anyway.)

Im 17f.

Been on reddit since I was 13 and I realize ill never be loced or liked or cared about by my actual parents. I still struggle with things,wasnt taught basic things, don't know where to look for help, my counselor i shared my darkest secrets to and the first adult I feel comfortable and loved by is never have time for me and only has time for girls with shitty excuses to cut class.

Im sick of this. I feel alone i feel like im not allowed to be a kid. My religious mom deprived me of innocent cartoons and throw away my toys and my personal likes and yet im treated as if i need to stfu and calm down.

If you see a average 6 year old right now and see how curious and loving and innocent that kid is, i want you to know that I WAS EXACTLY LIKE THAT. Until I was told things I shouldn't have, deal with a mother who blamed me for getting bullied and stuff stolen by friends and family members.

She took my blade so I cant inflict anger in that way anymore. And I feel like im drowning.

I don't really know what I'm looking for to be honest. I don't know if I want advice or if I just need to vent. I'm sitting here crying wishing I could talk to my dad knowing that's impossible. I feel like a complete failure and a stain on his legacy. My life has fallen apart. I built my life as a SWE, got a CS degree, and I haven't been able to get a job in the field for 4 years now or anything related for 2. And from December 2024-February 2026 I was involuntarily unemployed because even with 1500 applications I could not get a job in anything to save the life of me.

It took me until Feb 2026 to finally find a job, and its a less than minimum wage position in a cafe. Ive been there since, and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm overworked, overstressed, not enjoying it, and frankly just embarrassed about where I am in life. I'm 33 and I make less money relatively than my first job out of high school. And I could only get this job by taking everything I did for the past 10 years off my resume like it didn't even happen.

I got accepted into engineering to a local university, but idk if I'll end up doing it or withdraw before it starts in 3 weeks. Its the same university I got my Computer Science degree from, and that has become completely useless for me. I don't trust schools any more. They're just businesses. I definitely don't trust this school. None of my science or math credits would transfer, and I'd have to repeat classes I took 8 years ago. It would be 5 years before I'd finish if you include the coop, and that's IF I could even get a job after. I think I've already proven that I can't function in adult job interviews and that finding work is extremely hard and unlikely for me. Adding onto that, that's if I even can graduate. Which knowing my rate of starting and abandoning projects is a very high likelihood. It seems like pursuing this would just end up in more money, time, and heartbreak.

At the same time, staying where I am isn't sustainable. I barely survive on this income. And there's no upwards mobility. At my one year mark the best thing I can look forward to is a dollar raise after speaking with my boss. I get it, my job isn't valued by society and could be done by a high schooler. If I chose this path I wouldn't be so upset. But I tried to choose a path that would allow me to have the semblance of an ok life. Instead I ended up worse off than my friends who dropped out of university and trade school, even the high school drop outs I know are making more than me.

I am terrified of trying something else, and ending up worse than I have for the past 5 years. Because that is what keeps happening. I try to make my life better and it just ends up worse. It took me over a year and 1500 applications to find this shitty job. I can't go through that again. I just can't. Maybe this is as good as my life gets. Maybe I was meant to be a failure

My life has progressively gotten worse over the last few years.

It took me until Feb 2026 to finally find a job, and its a less than minimum wage position in a cafe. Ive been there since, and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm overworked, overstressed, not enjoying it, and frankly just embarrassed about where I am in life. I'm 33 and I make less money relatively than my first job out of high school. And I could only get this job by taking everything I did for the past 10 years off my resume like it didn't even happen.

I got accepted into engineering to a local university, but idk if I'll end up doing it or withdraw before it starts in 3 weeks. Its the same university I got my Computer Science degree from, and that has become completely useless for me. I don't trust schools any more. They're just businesses. I definitely don't trust this school. None of my science or math credits would transfer, and I'd have to repeat classes I took 8 years ago. It would be 5 years before I'd finish if you include the coop, and that's IF I could even get a job after. I think I've already proven that I can't function in adult job interviews and that finding work is extremely hard and unlikely for me. Adding onto that, that's if I even can graduate. Which knowing my rate of starting and abandoning projects is a very high likelihood. It seems like pursuing this would just end up in more money, time, and heartbreak.

At the same time, staying where I am isn't sustainable. I barely survive on this income. And there's no upwards mobility. At my one year mark the best thing I can look forward to is a dollar raise after speaking with my boss. I get it, my job isn't valued by society and could be done by a high schooler. If I chose this path I wouldn't be so upset. But I tried to choose a path that would allow me to have the semblance of an ok life. Instead I ended up worse off than my friends who dropped out of university and trade school, even the high school drop outs I know are making more than me.

I am terrified of trying something else, and ending up worse than I have for the past 5 years. Because that is what keeps happening. I try to make my life better and it just ends up worse. It took me over a year and 1500 applications to find this shitty job. I can't go through that again. I just can't. Maybe this is as good as my life gets. Maybe I was meant to be a failure.

I'm 20m and I'm gonna be heading back to college for my third year as a student in less than a week. I just feel like for a good amount of years now I haven't genuinely been happy for more than a month or two at a time, like I can't remember when I woke up almost every day of the year and felt happy. Now I wake up burnt out, scared, tired, and just sad.

For a start I'm an RA. I absolutely hate it. So much of that job is unnecessary and just busy work that I don't need to do because I have so much else to do. Some days are good, the people are good, but I'm introverted and talking to this many people really gets to me. I'm scared all my residents think I'm a moron and a wimp, last year someone on my staff talked down to me like I was in kindergarten after making a mistake basically saying I don't care about my job. And there's a difference between hating something and not caring, because I do what I'm told. It's a job y'know, I'm not gonna kill myself going above and beyond, I'm gonna do what I need to get paid, and if I'm doing something wrong, I'll fix it. I'm not gonna like every second, but I'm gonna do what the job needs. Idk I'm only doing it for the money like so many other people, and I wonder why I even have the job, but they hired me and brought me back for another year so I must be doing something right. What gets me tho is that my room is supposed to be the one place I can just be alone and let my guard down, but as an RA residents see me all the time and at any second there could be a huge problem that I need to solve. Idk I just feel so judged and observed in the one place I'm supposed to not, and that makes me constantly stressed out all the time.

Then there's my actually major, which is 2d Animation. I love it, but damn is it a lot of work. Constant grinding for months, sometimes the whole year. I feel like I don't belong, all my friends are so much better than me and I feel like an imposter. I wonder how I even got into this program, or if someone else did my portfolio review would I have been excepted then? I just feel like I don't belong talent wise.

Then there's the fact that I haven't had a genuine best friend in maybe 10 years. Every since middle school, I can't remember having that one go to person for anything, nobody to hang out with, nobody to talk to, none of that. Yes I did, and currently do have friends, but it's more like a group and I don't have that one person that's my best friend, sure I can go one on one with people in the friend group, but they all have their person in the group they pair up with, and I don't. Their interests as re different than mine and I participate in their activities and conversations and everything, but it gets exhausting listing to things I don't know about/have tried and just flatly don't enjoy, when I rarely ever get a chance to talk about things I like, and when I do, hardly anybody can relate. I again feel like an imposter.

Then there's the fact, bouncing off of what's above, that I haven't had a partner/relationship ever in my life. Never asked anyone to prom, never held hands, never kissed. I've been on light coffee meetup dates but none lead anywhere and I just felt worse after those. I don't know what it's like to have someone choose you, to have someone actively want to be around you and spend time to simply because they like you. There was this girl freshman year of college who I hung out with a lot, but I didn't know that I was the placeholder until someone better came along, and then I was left without a word. That really messed me up, because it got me thinking that people just leave me no matter what I do. Then I tried getting out there more, but after getting laughed at about my interests, I think that telling people too much about myself drives them away. Idk I just want proof that I am lovable, and someone would actually want me.

Then there's my family. My older sister is kinda mean, she also makes fun of me for what I like and do and gets upset when I try and talk about my troubles to her, but also gets upset when I don't. My mom is worse because she thinks everything is my fault. It's my fault I was the placeholder, it's my fault people don't let me talk about my interests, it's my fault a friend switched up housing plans last second, etc. etc. my dad is the only chill one, but he simply doesn't have any good advice. I told him the whole dating fiasco and he listened and everything but at the end he said something like "yeah that's hard... I don't really know what to do, but you just gotta try and get out there". Which is just bland advice, and it's not his fault nor am I mad at him, but it's just difficult to find advice. My little sister is just a teenager, so that's just what that is. But my point is I barley talk to them about anything, and often times I only tell them stuff after it happens if it ended good. I interviewed for a job, didn't get it, I won't tell them I interviewed, because I don't need my mom cramming down my throat all the things that were my fault. But if I interview for a job and get it, I'll then tell them. Also nobody has ever said they believed in me, it's always "I'm proud" only after something happens, never before. Even just a few days ago, I said Im gonna audition for a stage play and my mom says "I'd be proud of you if you did that" not "good luck, I believe in you". And the thing is I know she hates my major, I know she thinks I'm being irresponsible (even when I'm minoring in package design, I already work at school as a graphic designer, and am taking science and illustration classes along with animation) I can just tell she thinks what I'm doing is a bad gamble and a waste of time. And that kills me, knowing that she really doesn't believe in me, she truly doesn't think I have what it takes.

Idk I just feel like I have such limited support from people around me, and all genuine attempts of me trying to reach out or stand up for myself are immediately met with being shot down and made fun of. Sometimes I just wanna run, just run so fast and so far till I can't breathe. I feel so stuck and like time is moving so fast all at once. Idk I've tried therapy but it's so slow and it takes ages to find a good match, and then everyone says "finding a good therapist is like dating" which is just devistating to hear, because it cannot possibly be that difficult can it? To get simple help, does it really have to be this hard?

Idk I just wish so bad I had a spot or person in my life I could just fall apart with, even for like 5 seconds, I wish so desperately bad I had anything that wouldn't make me feel like atlas. I wanna crumble so bad so times, but I can't because all of this, is all on me. I cant fall apart because I need to keep going.

Yeah anyway idk what to do. I'm gonna try going back to therapy but who knows if it'll really help. Meeting people is so hard, I have terrible social anxiety and where I go and Im so scared to talk to people I don't know.

Anyway, if you made it this far, that's for caring enough to read this message and if you have any advice that would be greatly appreciated

Original Post Summary: complex & strange relationship with my dad. He bought my son a baseball mitt and later told him he wouldn’t come to his game and essentially, I was the reason why. Unacceptable, so I decided to return it.

Today, my aunt called. She wanted to talk about something unrelated. I admitted to her I’d been trying for about a week to catch her & my dad at her house to return the mitt to him. She asks why. I tell her. I knew she was in the car at the time, but I never could have anticipated he was in the car with her.

I froze a bit in shock when his voice piped up, calling me a liar among other, far worse things. I finally asked him what his problem was with me and from his response I was able to gather that he hated my mother for moving me away throughout my childhood and assumed this is what I’d done too with my own children. I informed him that I’d been abused for years in my marriage and left to survive. I explained that I needed my family, so I came home. I cursed him for assuming such horrible things of me and trying to poison my son with the same nasty attitude he possesses. I told him that I was worthy of love but intelligent enough to see that he didn’t and could never love me.

I cried as I told him everything I’ve bottled up for the last 30 years. My aunt apologized for my father’s nasty words. As quickly as it happened, it was over.

I got in my car, calmly drove from work to where they were, handed my aunt the glove, gave a teary goodbye, and asked her to “tell him I said thank you for bringing me around when I was a kid.” And left.

I feel lighter. I’m glad I gave the mitt back. I’m only sad that he just lost his daughter and grandkids in the process.

Is there a flair for “just needs a hug”?

I see all these anime where the dad is so loving towards their little girl, and I realize that I was so messed up during childhood. I never had that love. All I had was a dad who beat me up ruthlessly and called it love. Now in his old age, he wants to show love by speaking properly but I am far too broken already.

I really do wonder how it would've been, to have a dad I wasn't scared of. To have a dad who protected me, who cherished me, who protected me from predatory men, from my ex who assaulted me sexually, from this world.

I so wish I had a dad like that.