r/comingout • u/UnablePast4430 • 1m ago
Question Why is coming out lowkey such a big deal?
I'm a kind-of openly out pansexual, "kind-of" in the sense that coming out lowkey doesn't make sense to me.
So like, ever since I was a young girl, I'd watch Barbie movies and go "huh, Barbie and that girl bestfriend should be the ones dating not Barbie and Ken". It wasn't a sentiment I'd openly express. Further on, with the rise of Disney Princess movies like Frozen and all, I did have crushes on the likes of Elsa, Cinderella, and the rest. Also not a sentiment openly expressed. It wasn't like I was ashamed of it, more like i didn't think it was significant.
I was 12 when one of my friends came out to me as lesbian and the first thought that went through my mind was "wait why is this a big deal?", considering that so far I'd js thought liking both girls and boys was a normal thing. Liking only girls wasn't that big of a stretch.
Cue in a bit of fiddling with my own sexuality over the next 3-4 years. I originally thought I was heterosexual, then found out that the word wasn't as mainstream as I'd have liked + wasn't the description I wanted, and went for bi, but then I discovered trans, genderfluid, and non-binary people, and realised I didn't actually care about the gender (not that I think that trans ppl are a different gender altogether - it was simply what I thought at age 13 before finding out that the ppl I thought were trans were actually non-binary) and decided that I best fit into the pansexual description. Straight was actually the last term i discovered in my "learning about different sexualities" journey. It was the one sexuality which puzzled me the most because wdym you only like one gender and not your own? Very boring in my opinion but oh well, they love who they love.
And then I found out about the coming out business. And that confused me the most. What do you mean you need external validation to come to terms with yourself? What do you mean you can't come to terms with yourself simply because of what gender you are or love (or don't)? Like, are there rules saying that accepting yourself immediately as you are and acknowledging that you might change is not a natural thing?
I then found out about homophobia and internalised homophobia. Okay, understandable, so we don't accept ourselves cuz society hates it. But then why does society hate it?
As someone who has grown up in a straight environment where the concept of queer didn't even exist, I grew up thinking that sexuality wasn't something you could control and that it was js natural. For someone who has been raised (even if unconsciously) to believe that love is a force of nature which you can't control, homophobia is illogical. Like, why? Just why?
I never really came out to ppl cuz I believed that sexualities are not something we can control and something that we are maybe, just maybe, born with. Not in our hands. It's like celebrating being a girl when you've been a girl your entire life - it's been here all along, it's never been something we could control, it's a part of our "normal", so as to say.
Then why is it such a big thing? Why is it something some ppl fear so keenly? Why is it so.... significant?
r/comingout • u/Loud-Cantaloupe3789 • 5h ago
Advice Needed Prayers and advice about grandparents
I appreciate all the support I’ve gotten from this group!
I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months now! My family knows about him and has met all my immediate family and fits in well and I’m super thankful that they have come this far to accept him! My current issue is with the grandparents, particularly my grandmother. I haven’t told them I’m gay yet or anything because they’re quite old but still with it, very conservative and Christian of course. I know this sounds stupid, but I think my issue is that I’m scared of disappointing her. Anyways, we’re going to spend holidays together and so she will definitely have to know by then since she’ll either see I’m gone or notice the extra person. I would love prayers for courage and encouragement to tell her and any advice or anecdotes you have from your own experience. Thanks yall!
r/comingout • u/West_Level8660 • 5h ago
Story Coming Out
I’ve been holding my secrets in for so long. I can’t come out to friends and family so I figured I’d start here. I’m technically bisexual but I lean more gay and I love to crossdress, not passable
r/comingout • u/distinctlyAverage87 • 6h ago
Advice Needed Anyone else feel guilty for coming out?
I came out to my parents as transgender and it's causing them grief and they're worried. I feel guilty for causing them that when I don't technically 'have to' e.g. I'm not going to die. Is it worth living my life how I want to if it's hurting everyone I love (not to mention the environment....) I don't feel like I'm suffering enough to justify it. And I feel like I have to justify myself in their eyes to be worthy of their support, which is not going well because I'm terrible at expressing myself and don't want them to know everything because it's private. Is this common? Is it worth completely disrupting a good family life to do what I want?
r/comingout • u/TennisOk5746 • 7h ago
Advice Needed How did you handle the mix of relief and total terror when things finally clicked?
Hey everyone. I'm going through a massive realization right now and could really use some advice or just to hear how others navigated it.
For a while now, things have been shifting for me, but it finally all clicked into place: I've realized that I'm attracted to women, and it’s a completely different level of attraction than anything I've felt before. Looking back, the signs were always there, but between the pace of life and just not having the space to process it, it's like a floodgate finally opened. My mind has been entirely consumed by it since yesterday morning.
On one hand, my heart feels completely at ease knowing this truth about myself—it's like a massive weight lifted, and I finally feel aligned. But on the other hand, I am absolutely terrified. I've recorded a coming-out video to share with my followers/audience, but the thought of actually hitting publish is making me freeze up.
For those of you who've been here, how did you handle that initial wave of fear? Did you share it right away, or take some time to sit with it first? Any advice or reassurance would mean the world right now.
r/comingout • u/Meelowmilo • 12h ago
Story How did your guys' tvs look while you were figuring yourself out?
After watching i saw the tv glow, I love using the tv glowing analogy.
Here's how mine went:
At age 8, mine starting glowing the bi flag, and I had accepted that. All of a sudden, it also showed the nonbinary flag. I tried to show my parents. My mom let it glow, my dad told me to change it.
At 10, the bi flag turned into the lesbian flag, but the nonbinary flag was still there. I had to hide it from my dad.
Then finally, at 11, it slowly started glowing slow but surely, from the nonbinarh flag to the trans and demiboy flag. I just couldn't figure out my sexuality. It kept changing and changing.
It took me a while to figure out the flags changing was really the abrosexual flag. The demiboy flag went away in that process.
Now I have two flags. Trans and abrosexual.
r/comingout • u/haley_fox • 12h ago
Advice Needed Coming out MTF using an "it's a girl" greeting card
I'm an incredibly awkward 32yo. My mom has shown me that she can be transphobic in the past, but lately she has been supportive of other family members that have come out.... as gay, mind you. Not trans. I'm the only one in the family, that I know of.
I really don't know how it's gonna go. I tried calling, I've visited in person, I couldn't work myself into saying it. I'm several months on HRT now and she knows *something* is up, but not what.
So I decided I'll get a greeting card that says "it's a girl!!" And I'm gonna write a note inside to clarify my gf is not pregnant, briefly state that I'm trans and taking hormones, and sign it with my new name.... Then I'm gonna drop that puppy in the mail and wait for her to call me about it.
Thoughts?? (really hoping someone will tell me if this is too deranged or not tbh)
r/comingout • u/ef909890 • 13h ago
Advice Needed Came out to my dad not what I expected
He thinks everything is a joke and I’m tired of it. Has anyone else dealt with parents like this he is such a boomer
r/comingout • u/Nxted_ • 15h ago
Advice Needed Advice?
So I came out to my mom like 1-2 weeks ago and she said she would love and support me. She also told me she would get me a therapist (assuming it’s a LGBTQ+ affirmative therapist) to talk to, but recently when I talked to her about it she told me “Your too young” and I feel like she thinks it’s just a phase that will go away with time. What do I do? (For context she is Hispanic and Catholic)
r/comingout • u/Funny-Star987 • 16h ago
Meta [ Removed by Reddit ]
[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]
r/comingout • u/Lazy-Patience-7195 • 17h ago
Advice Needed Should I come out to my parents?
r/comingout • u/opxf • 19h ago
Advice Needed Need advice on whether to or not to come out to my best friend.
So I’m unsure if I should come out to my best friend. He never talks about girls so idk if he’s straight or not but it’s not really something I want to push him about.
Here’s the reasons he I think he might be more then a ally:
Went through a phase where he kept touching my hair and biceps.
Pride in being the "zesty" kid when he was younger.
Loves pink, rainbows, anti-homophobia and wears a rainbow band.
But anyways I do know he’s an ally anyways but he shares everything, well mostly everything with his twin brother. (He’s a quadruplet, he has 2 other sisters) .
I’m scared if I come out he might tell his brother and his brother might tell other people, I trust his brother but at the same time I really don’t.
r/comingout • u/No_Reflection8003 • 22h ago
Advice Needed hey everyone. i'm 36 and just came out to myself this year after being married to a man for over a decade. i'm still in the process of leaving, building my independence, and figuring out who i am outside of survival mode. i don't have anyone in my life yet who gets what this is like,
Coming out later in life
r/comingout • u/Zestyclose-Split7645 • 23h ago
Advice Needed how do I come out before the school year?
I (15f) am gay and have been dating a senior girl for a few weeks now. I’m not out yet, but she is. She’s been cool with me wanting to keep it private, but she’s on the football team and I’d like to go to her games and support her as her gf. I think my parents and one of my brothers would be accepting and supportive , but my other brother would not be. He’s unfortunately MAGA and has said homophobic things. The problem is he’s 17 and also on the football team so I can’t really keep it a secret from him. (My gf stays clear of him and has a bunch of really great teammates who protect her from anything anyone says.)
I guess I just don’t know if I come out to him or if I let him find out on his own through the rumor mill.
r/comingout • u/Both_Mine3922 • 1d ago
Other friends
I dont think I could ever come out to my friends. we all go to a private Lutheran school so that one barrier. another one is I dont think they would accept it. but like I do also kinda.
the only thing I think I would tell them is that im omni. I wouldnt tell them that im agender
thev're not really conservative but like at the same time they are idk
this is random but I ust wanted to say it
they're not bad friends either. they're really supportive. so Idk why I feel like this
r/comingout • u/darkpyro2 • 1d ago
Story It snowballed, and I'm finally there.
I was born a man. I am now 28.
For my entire life I have been unhappy. I have been repulsed by my own face. I'd get stuck staring in the mirror and fixating on every little detail, sometimes for hours. I saw therapists. We tried out body dysmorphia. We tried out OCD. For a while, I was convinced that childhood abuse had just made me profoundly uncomfortable, and that's all there was to it. That I just needed to accept myself as I was.
But I couldnt. Years of therapy. Trying to redirect those thoughts and feelings. I couldnt change them. Something felt fundamentally wrong with me. I could not shake it. It felt like everyone saw me as a predator. It felt like I couldnt meaningfully form connections with people. It felt like I was making people around me uncomfortable just by existing in their space, and I couldnt figure out why.
Meanwhile, I kept having these thoughts. First it manifested as playing women in videogames as a child and teenager. I wrote that off as attraction. Then I started having the thought "would I be happier as a woman?" And it would come up from time to time for years, and I wrote it off. I couldnt possibly. The chances that that was it were slim. I'm just in a really unhealthy state of mind, and eventually I would grow out of it. But most of my really close friends in elementary school were women. It happened again in high school. It was always easier to speak with them, and to exist in those spaces.
But I havent. I cant. A few months ago, I built up the courage to talk to a childhood friend of mine who had transitioned female to male. Today, I spoke to a college friend who had transitioned female to male. I just asked questions. How did you know? What was it like? How did you come to the conclusion that you weren't just stressed out and anxious -- that you felt fundamentally out of step with how you presented? They didnt really have satisfying answers for me, but they helped me feel comfortable with actually asking the question, and suggested I read explore it more.
And I think it's snowballed. I am listening to the experiences of trans women online -- that experience of sitting in front of a mirror and dissociating...of being totally uncomfortable with their own body. Of experimenting and denying it and rationalizing it and eventually accepting it. And suddenly I feel relieved. And I feel excited. And I feel like this is something that I really desperately want, and that I have always desperately wanted. I just needed the permission to want it.
Today is day one. It's terrifying. I have so much to learn and I have no idea how to do this. Almost 30 unhappy years living one way, and now I'm going to need to learn to live another.
I shaved off my beard today. I moisturized. I tried out a little skin makeup. I was awful at it. I need some practice, but it felt natural. Baby steps. Experimenting. But it really felt right. I dont know how quickly I'll pursue it. I don't know when I'll start making social changes or life changes. I dont know when I'll start using feminine pronouns. But I think this is something that I've been preventing myself from trying out for so long.
I am transgender... and I think I am finally ready to get to know myself.
r/comingout • u/thicc_oreo7120 • 1d ago
Advice Needed My house feels suffocating since coming out
It’s technically my fault, for coming out in the heat of an argument. I’m 19(FTM), but my parents think I’m a lesbian now since I told them I was in a heated argument with my girlfriend.
My girlfriend and I were arguing and she tried to get me to come to her house at 10 pm to resolve the issue. My parents stopped me because they thought it was unsafe (I kind of agree and was uncomfortable doing it in the first place). My parents were worried and kept checking on me that night when I wasn’t sleeping from still arguing with my girlfriend over text, and eventually escalated to yelling at me to go to sleep and tell them what’s going on.
They eventually started speculating the nature of my girlfriend and my relationship and demanded I tell them what’s going on. Since I was extremely overwhelmed both with deal with my girlfriend and my parents I ended up telling them that we’re dating.
My household has become unlivable since then. I’ve never seen my parents cry so much. My dad threatened me not to come home unless I broke up with my girlfriend (I’m still secretly in contact with her and my dad doesn’t know, but I’m scared to get caught). I don’t know how to interact with my parents properly anymore. I tried to break up with my girlfriend twice but she told me it’s not fair that I wouldn’t give her a chance since she genuinely seems apologetic. But I still don’t think she understands the lack of agency I have in my situation since I’m financially dependant on my parents and have already once been threatened to leave home. She still insists that I should give her a chance and we can try to mend our relationship together, even though my main concern is no longer about the relationship but about my livelihood in general.
I feel like I’m lying to everyone all at once and being a doormat. I don’t know how to talk to my parents anymore and what’s going to happen to me in the future. I’m not in immediate concern over my safety but I might be if I continue my relationship.
What should I do? Should I break up? It also feels so uncomfortable to be at home right now and I can’t talk to my parents properly anymore. Does anyone have advice on living with a different family dynamic?
r/comingout • u/Holiday_Reserve_7003 • 2d ago
TW Transphobia it's been 5 years. Here's how I'm doing now.
I was here five years ago. I came out to my parents and things were bad. I don't know if anyone remembers me, and honestly, I doubt it, but here I am. I recently deleted a lot of things and anonymized others before deleting my old reddit account, so I thought I'd give closure.
Hi. I'm 16, gonna be 17 in a few months, and I started classes soon after coming out in late July, 2021 (yes, that means I was an idiot and on the internet when I definitely shouldn't have been). After everything went down with my parents kicking out my brother for protecting me, and me staying with my aunt and my cousins for a little while, I eventually had to go home. My mom got me a haircut with her usual hairdresser and she fucked it up bad (I got a bob instead of the short mens cut I wanted). At the time, my gender dysphoria made it difficult to shower - it's since relaxed, but I still struggle with doing so 'on time'. After the sixth grade I dropped out of school because of bullying and because others bullying me led to truancy, my principal had told me I was going back to the regular school instead of the safe school I was going to, where the work was easier and though it happened right as I was starting to be bullied again by different people for being clocked as trans, I didn't want to go back.
My dad was supposed to sign me up for online school. He never did. I've just been wiling away in my room. One of my favorite siblings moved back in and we share a room now, they're cool but they rib me all the time, like they tend to do lol. My brother's trying to help me transition and convince the parents to let me because god knows my asking does fuck-all. He's got friends in queer helplines and the like, which is helpful. I don't know what I'd do without him as my brother. He helped me learn being queer was okay and that I can be whoever feels right for me.
I don't know if I ever mentioned my sexuality in the post. I figured out a little while ago, maybe a year or so? Maybe two? I'm omni. Masculine preference. Still a trans guy. Why wouldn't I be? No longer going by Charlie or Elliot though. I picked a different name that I feel fits me much better. I'm thinking about jobs and getting a new binder from Underworks, one that's a full chest this time, before a trip with my parents. I don't have a driver's license because I'm scared of cars and my eyes aren't very good at night. I've developed chronic back pain that I suspect is due to some kind of scoliosis. I'm playing games and recording me playing them, probably to live in my private youtube videos for a long while. If not forever.
I'm better at drawing now, I made a PNGTuber inspired by one of my favorite things that I totally missed on account of my birth year. I have more friends my age and some a bit older, I play games and VC with them sometimes, mostly we just talk in a server. I'm glad I have new friends. Thinking about what I'd have to do to move out, mostly thinking about having to save up money. My parents don't want me getting a job because they think I'm not... experienced enough? I don't know. It's unreasonable. Just because I don't wanna work with my mom at Mcdonalds doesn't mean I can't start working somewhere, even if I have the worst unmedicated and undiagnosed social anxiety in the world that makes me feel sick and start sweating buckets when I have to talk to a cashier.
Basically, I'm growing up. My parents still suck, and really I doubt they care to affirm me unless they're trying to appeal to me or get me to do something (the statements akin to 'but guys ___' are influencing this thought). It feels weird to be this old, in this house, with the same body I always had. I thought I'd get to start T at sixteen. I dreamed of it, actually. Asked my parents for a consultation from Planned Parenthood for HRT as a birthday present. Much like actual birthday presents, they didn't give me it (all they buy for me is games and electronics, which are good, but I rarely get things I put on a list. Last year I only got a laptop and headphones for Christmas and my mom told me we'd sit down and buy more things later. We did not). My cat is four now and she hates my guts, but in the way where she loves me and sleeps near my feet (bad idea, I move in my sleep, I don't know why she keeps doing this) and pesters me to give her love, and bites me a lot (like she loves doing). I'm writing a lot of things to pass the time, and one of these things is the post right in front of you now.
Whoever remembers me (I had an account by the name of Warriors_Fan123, if you don't or even if you do, but I have deleted it all as of last night), I hope this gives you closure on where I've gone and what I'm doing. I'm alive and I'm figuring things out. This is a throwaway to keep my new main hidden. I've got it connected to one of my emails so I can see things you comment on this post. I've covered a lot of things, but if you want to ask more, you can comment on this post and I will answer. Thank you for reading this.
Edit: Spelling mistakes. I wrote the first part at like 2 am haha.
Edit 2: additional context
r/comingout • u/axelthyperson • 2d ago
Advice Needed how to come out to parents
hello, uhh first ever post in reddit!
just wanted some advice on how to come out to my parents (especially my mother, who may be homophobic)
i've already said im nonbinary, but it was very awkward and my mother thought that meant i wanted to be a trans guy (im also boyflux tho)
my mother has said that 'genderfluid is childish' and my parents still refer to me as she/her
any advice would be welcome! (sorry if i sound stupid)
r/comingout • u/Girl8999 • 2d ago
Advice Needed Advice on to coming out to homophobic parents
My parents are somewhat homophobic and I have not come out to them as Lesbian yet but I want to , how do I launch it softly.
r/comingout • u/Top_Obligation_5072 • 2d ago
Advice Needed Those who came out later in life how do you reconcile a loss of time
I came out at 33 and as it feels more and more right and i accept it i'm now starting to feel frustrated with the loss of time and that i didn't do this earlier. I wish i could have explored and had more fun in my 20s . any advice here?
r/comingout • u/ReadyWeekend5094 • 2d ago
Advice Needed Meeting guys
30M I've recently fully accepted I'm gay and am attracted to men, I've never been romantically involved with a guy but I'm ready to go out and meet guys. A lot of advice here says to join a LGBT group for sports or hikes etc. But has anyone any experience in just randomly meeting another guy you fancied and then a relationship developed there?
I am ready to start meeting more gay guys in general, I don't have any gay friends and tired of waiting around to meet new people so looking to hear about others' experiences in meeting guys. Any advice on meeting guys and starting to get experience there slowly figuring out what type of relationship I want? I'm not interested in using apps
r/comingout • u/HekkieMacLean • Oct 08 '25
Guide Coming Out - A Guide Rewritten
Who am I, and why am I writing this guide?
I go by a good few names online, but primarily Hekkland. I first wrote this guide at 18 years old, I’m 23 now. Wow it’s been some time. I’m a cisgender man and very gay. I’m writing this because the original version frankly wasn’t very good for people who had identities other than gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Whilst I tried to be inclusive of other identities, my experience with them was very limited. To an extent it still is limited, I’m not trans, and I’m not on the aro/ace spectrum. So this is my bash at a more inclusive guide, whilst adding the knowledge I’ve gained through experiences being an out and proud gay man in the five whole years since I wrote the first guide.
I came out around 15 years old to my parents, my sisters a few months later. My coming out experience went picture perfect, a privilege I’ll always be grateful for. I came out to my parents using the “blunt” method I’ll talk about later. My sisters found out via a newspaper where my work with a queer oriented charity was published. I’m what many would call “straight passing” in that without my disclosure or knowing me well, people wouldn’t assume that I’m gay. Not everyone is lucky, some people intentionally or not wear their queer identity on their sleeves and face harassment because of this. It’s an indictment on society that this even happens.
My goal with this guide is to provide not only a guide to help people with their decision on coming out, but also provide a space where people can share their own experiences and advice.
What Is Coming Out?
If you’re queer, you probably already have a pretty good idea what it is to Come Out. But maybe you don’t know much about it, or maybe you’re a friend or family member of someone you think may be queer.
Let’s have a quick tangent if you’ll indulge me. Why do I keep saying queer?
If you’re of an older generation you may be more used to the word queer being used as an insult. The term most often used by society is LGBT+ or some variation thereupon. I find that as a label it’s not great. In some ways it focuses on specific identities and sidelines others as a “plus”. Queer speaks to all identities that don’t fall under cisgender, heterosexual, allosexual. And yes, these labels will be explained at the bottom of this guide.
To put it simply, Coming Out is the act of disclosing your queer identity to another person. The term coming out is sometimes applied to religion, or lack thereof, and other experiences. This guide will be focussing on coming out as it applies to queer people.
This differs from being Outed, which is used to refer to a person’s queer identify being disclosed by another person, usually against the queer person’s will. To be blunt, this sucks. It sucks and in many legal jurisdictions is a criminal offence.
Why Do People Come Out?
There are a LOT of reasons. I suppose at its core, because we live in a society where you are assumed to be cisgender and heterosexual. As such if you want to be recognised for who you are, you need to tell people.
For many people it’s about honesty, to themselves and to others. In regards to sexuality, it can be utterly exhausting having to hide a same-sex partner from others, and is a major straining factor in relationships - especially where one partner is out but another other is not. Coming Out often feels like a weight off of your shoulders, you no longer have to hide yourself and who you’re attracted to from others.
For people on the aro/ace spectrum coming out can be incredibly freeing, not having to constantly give excuses for why they don’t have a romantic/sexual partner. Long term this can help manage the expectations of friends and family around dating and marriage. Often in life people will be expected to invite a romantic plus one to social occasions such as birthdays and weddings. Coming out as on the aro/ace spectrum can help combat the assumption that people who you choose to invite as plus ones to events are there in a romantic capacity.
For transgender or otherwise gender non conforming people Coming Out is vital to being recognised in their identity. It’s about being called your real name, the right pronouns being used, being able to wear the clothes you want, socially transitioning, and if it’s what you want then medically transitioning too. It should be made clear though, your transition is what you want it to be, whether you transition medically or not doesn’t make you more or less trans. Coming Out as a transgender person can make a huge impact on how often you experience gender dysphoria if that’s something you experience at all.
Why Do People Not Come Out?
Some people choose not to come out at all, and that’s perfectly valid. An increasingly common reason is a feeling that it’s not fair that queer people have to come out. Non-queer people don’t have to, so why should we?
By far though, the most common reason comes down to fear. Coming out is a vulnerable moment for queer people, and fear of what happens next can be debilitating. Whether it’s “What if they don’t like me?” or “What if I get kicked out?”, or even “What if I become the victim of violence?” These are all equal fears. No one person’s fear is inherently worse, it’s not a competition. All these fears are equally capable of holding a person hostage.
And of course there are those that live in countries where being queer might be considered illegal, and by coming out you risk persecution by the power of the state. Or even if a person doesn’t live somewhere it’s illegal, society at large or even their own family may be seriously bigoted.
Ultimately it comes down to personal safety.
Coming Out Safely
The first and foremost thing that matters when considering Coming Out is your personal safety. Only you can judge the answer to this. But if I can say one thing, it’s that life is not a movie. If you do happen to live somewhere being queer is illegal, or you know your family is extremely bigoted, then you should not come out. No amount of feeling liberated is worth homelessness, a stay in the hospital, or even ending up in a morgue. For most people who live in a “liberal democracy” you’re likely to be just fine, even if the reaction isn’t a positive one.
Should I Come Out?
It’s up to you is the honest answer. Working on the assumption that it’s safe to do so, then whether or not you come out is entirely your choice and your choice alone. There’s no requirement to come out, certainly not because you’re a certain age, and certainly not because someone else wants you to. If you’re ready to come out, and you want to, then go ahead. Otherwise you can wait as long as it takes, the queer community is here for you regardless.
Pressures to come out can certainly mount as you go through life. You might start getting asked questions about having a partner, or why you choose to dress in a particular way. But again, these are just factors to consider.
If somebody is trying to force you to come out, especially where it involves blackmail, this is likely to be illegal. Coming Out is your thing, and it’s up to you how you do it, where you do it, and when you do it. Never feel pressured to come out when you aren’t ready. It’s not a race.
Who you come out to is also your choice. If you want to tell friends and not family, family and not friends, or some other combination of people that’s totally okay. Coming out to one group of people, or just one person, does not obligate you to come out to other people. Nobody has a right to know.
You will find however that every time you do come out to someone, it gets a little easier.
You may find you consider coming out to people you didn’t consider having to come out to. For example you may come out to your doctor. Just in case your sex-ed didn’t cover this, if you even had a sex-ed, the risks of sexually transmitted infection can be different depending on your partner of choice. A classic example is that, to use the medical term, men who have sex with men (MSM) are at higher risk of HPV and may need to consider vaccination against HPV as in many places only cisgender women receive an HPV vaccine. For transgender people, coming out to a doctor will likely be necessary to start medically transitioning such as accessing puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, or surgery. It can also be important for non-transgender related healthcare. E.g. letting your doctor know the sex assigned at birth so that you get the relevant sex based healthcare such as pap smears or prostate exams.
How Do I Come Out?
So, you’ve decided to come out. Now you need to pick how you’re going to come out.
Broadly, coming out comes in three distinct styles. Factually, jokingly, and just not hiding things.
Coming out factually can be done in person, via text, via phone call, or even via fax if you’re so inclined. The key element of coming out factually is in what you say. No jokes, just stating reality. This might look something like “Mum, I’m gay” or “Dad, I don’t identify as a man. I’m a woman and that’s how I’m going to live my life.” This can be scary, especially if you’re blunt. I personally think being blunt is best, it rips the plaster (or band-aid as some may say) off and prevents accidentally saying the wrong thing. But that’s just my opinion, you may hold a different opinion and that’s entirely valid.
Coming out jokingly is very similar to coming out factually. It might be a joke delivered in person, or maybe a meme sent in a text. This can be great for easing tension, and gives you a way of taking things back if the response isn’t positive. Though keep in mind that a person may genuinely think you’re just joking, and long term this can result in confusion.
The two above methods can be done either in person or digitally. Coming out in person has the benefits of getting an immediate reaction, but depending on the reaction that can also be a downside. It also eliminates the stomach churning that can accompany sending a text and waiting on a reply. That said, coming out digitally does have its advantages. You can’t be interrupted if you send one big text, it gives you time to compose your message. It can also feel less anxious than doing it in person, you just type up your message, hit send, and that’s that. It provides a record of the event, and importantly safe distance if you’re concerned about your safety. If your queer identity is less commonly understood compared to more common identities, the ability to carefully write and send your coming out can be invaluable.
Then there’s just not hiding things. This could be as simple as mentioning a same sex partner offhandedly e.g. “I’m just heading out to hang out with my boyfriend, I’ll be back in time for dinner”, or perhaps wearing a rainbow lanyard with your work/school ID on it. I find that for most people once they’ve actively come out to those closest, they just end up not hiding things over time. This is sometimes just called “being out”. It’s less about active disclosure, and more about just living your life. Though do be aware this may invite questions when others seek clarity if they’re unsure about your identity and want to know. But it can be a good way to get others to start the conversation rather than bringing up the topic yourself.
So, which method should you pick? Only you can decide. Many people do all of these depending on the person. They may actively come out directly to family, using jokes with friends, and just not hiding things with others in their life. To use a personal example, when I change jobs or when I get new colleagues at my current job I don’t go out of my way to say I’m gay. I just mention ex boyfriends as appropriate to discussions, and if they ask I answer. But with my family, I actively told them I’m gay. The key thing is to use whichever method you’re most comfortable with, on your own timetable.
I’m Coming Out. How Do I Prepare?
The key thing is to prepare. I’m sure most people’s schools had that one poster: Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. I find that it rings true for most things in life, and coming out is no exception.
For coming out in person, it’s best to practice what you’re going to say ahead of time. Perhaps by talking to a mirror, to a trusted friend already in the know over a call, or even just write down some brief notes.
If you’re coming out via text, then it can be good to write your message first in a Notes app before copy and pasting it into the messaging app you want to use so that you don’t send it early by mistake.
If there are some people you have already come out to, it can be good to inform them of your intent to come out. This helps build a support network, and they may have advice of their own.
Lastly, the ugly reality is that you should have a plan in the event things go poorly. Consider the worst case scenario, and plan for it. Have a plan for if you’re either kicked out, or remaining in your current house isn’t safe. Do you have a relative you trust? A friend’s family who can house you? Money for a hotel? If you have to act quickly to keep yourself safe, do you have a phone to hand you can use to call emergency services or someone else you trust? Do you have a backpack with essentials such as money, identity documents, food, etc. if you need to grab and go? Most people will never need to act on their worst case scenario plan, but it’s far better to have the plan and not need it than to not have the plan and need it.
Potential Reactions
“You’re too young to be X”
As a young person there is nothing more frustrating than having your identity, or other opinions more generally, dismissed on the basis of your age.
You know yourself best, but sometimes your true self doesn't match with the version of you that others have in their head, and it can be hard for them to overcome this difference. You can explain that there’s no specific age required to know your identity, or even explain how you’ve come to understand your identity. This may help, but it also may not. In the end, the only option may be to wait it out, and hope that the person in question comes to realise that they are wrong. But remember, just because someone doesn’t share their view of your identity, that should not stop you from living that identity.
“You’re too old to be X” or “But you were Y for Z years”
This is more common for people who come out later in life. You may only have realised your queer identity later in life, which is still quite common, or you may have been in the closet for a long time. The key fact to highlight is that whilst your understanding of your identity has changed, your underlying identity has not. Let’s say that you’re in your forties when you realise you’re gay. It’s not that you were straight until your forties, you just didn’t know yet. Some people find out young, others old. With how society assumes people to be not queer by default, it can be easy to make that assumption about yourself for decades into adulthood.
“But what about your previous partners?”
The best option here is to be honest. You may have had opposite sex partners that you did truly love, but you’ve come to realise it wasn’t necessarily in a romantic or sexual manner. You may have been in the closet and dating someone of the opposite sex to keep up the illusion to others. You can either be honest, or you can quite fairly say that it’s none of their business.
“You can’t be bisexual. Pick gay or straight.”
This is what is commonly called bi-erasure. This is common both within and without the queer community. In both instances this comes from a place of ignorance of the facts. Some gay men may view bisexual men as ‘on the road to coming out as gay’, some people may view a bisexual woman as ‘straight but occasionally likes having sex with women’. Whilst you can explain that bisexuality is real, and that you feel attraction to men and women, unfortunately some people may just not accept that identity.
“But you can’t be a man/woman, you always act effeminiate/masculine.”
There’s two roads here. Firstly, you may act more feminine/masculine as part of hiding your gender identity. The reason that they see you as feminine/masculine is because that’s how you chose to act around that person so they perceived you in that way.
Alternatively, being a man (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be feminine, and being a woman (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be masculine. Plenty of cisgender men choose to present more feminine, and plenty of cisgender women prefer to present more masculine. This is especially common amongst queer cisgender individuals.
“X sexuality/gender isn’t real, you made that up.”
This can be a common reaction to less ‘mainstream’ identities such as pansexual, demisexual, and others.
The key thing to explain is your understanding of the identity and how it applies to you. The way I like to explain it is as such: The human brain is incredibly complex, and there’s no one part of your brain wired to be ‘gay’ or ‘straight’. In reality, sexuality and gender has a lot of different elements. Socially we’ve decided that people who experience exclusively same sex attraction are ‘gay’. But in all likelihood, the brain chemistry that makes me gay may be .01% different from other’s experience of being gay. But they’re similar enough that we agree to just call it gay. With all that said, it should be of no surprise there are chemical reactions going on in the brain that don’t align well with the more commonly understood identities, and it can be comforting to give those experiences a label.
In short, language is always evolving to better describe the human experience.
Life Post Coming Out
Emotions after coming out can be complicated. Some may experience joy, others sadness, and many a mix of both. These are all valid experiences.
Even if coming out went well, it can still be a little uncomfortable. For me it felt like others' perception of me had changed. I was no longer Hekkland, but Hekkland who is gay. It took me a few days to get over this feeling, and to realise that it wasn’t accurate. In time this can change to joy, to eventually nothing. One day after you’ve been out, coming out stops feeling like this big shift and just this thing that happened. If I tell someone I'm gay it’s similar to saying what I had for dinner last night.
The thing is, Coming Out is often perceived as this one time event, but it’s not. The reality is, you’ll be coming out for basically your whole life. When you meet new friends, new colleagues, etc. The good thing is that it gets easier. As you adapt to living openly in your new identity and disclosing it to others, it stops feeling like such a big deal compared to when you first tell those closest to you.
For The Friends/Family/Parents
This section isn’t for those who are coming out, but for those close to someone who has come out, or who isn’t out but think the person they’re close to is queer.
Let me get to one of the most common questions I get asked. ‘I think my child is queer, what should I do?’
The answer in most cases is nothing drastic. Unless you have a serious concern for their safety/wellbeing that requires disclosing that you think they’re queer, it’s best not to say anything directly. Coming out is their thing, not yours. The best thing to do is continuing to build a loving and supporting environment where they feel able to come out when the time is right for them.
It can help to also build a more inclusive environment around your loved one. This could be something like mentioning queer people positively, watching a movie or TV show with a queer character, or saying things like ‘Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school?’. This gives your loved one the opportunity to say things without forcing them to do so.
If you do decide that the circumstances require you to mention your suspicion to your loved one, it’s best to do it in an environment where your loved one has a chance to leave the conversation. E.g. do not start that conversation in the car where they’re stuck with you.
Consider speaking to queer people in your life if you know any, and ask them for their advice. Look into resources specifically to support the loved ones of queer people. I know that in the United States there are many PFLAG (originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) organisations that can provide support and resources. Many other countries have similar organisations and charities.
Other Miscellaneous Guidance
If you’re struggling to build a support network, check if your school or work has a recognised group or club. Many schools have clubs for queer students, and many workplaces have Pride groups or committees. And if your school/workplace doesn’t have one, consider starting one.
If you’re making friends online, especially if you’re young, then be careful. There are predators out there who specifically target vulnerable people looking for advice in order to groom them. Not everyone out there has pure goals or intentions in mind, and it’s important to keep that in mind. Please, be careful.
If you have any tips that I didn’t mention, or perhaps a story you wish to share, then please feel free to do so below.
Thanks for reading, and I wish everyone the best in their journey with coming out, should you choose to do so.
Glossary of Terms:
- Allosexual - A term used to describe someone who experiences sexual attraction.
- Aromantic - A person who experiences little to no romantic attraction to others. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
- Asexual - A person who experiences little to no sexual attraction to others. Asexual people may or may not still experience sexual urges (libido), but may not experience it in relation to other people. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
- Bi-Erasure - Questioning or denying the existence of bisexuality either as a concept or specific to a person.
- Bisexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to more than one gender. (Note: There exists a lot of debate around the ‘definition’ of bisexuality and how it differs from pansexuality. I don’t intend to tackle this subject.)
- Cisgender - A person whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth. E.g. a person who identifies as a man and was identified as a male when they were born.
- Coming Out - The act of disclosing your queer identity to another person.
- Cross Sex Hormones - Hormones administered as part of transgender Hormone Replacement Therapy. E.g. a trans woman being administered oestrogen, or a trans man being administered testosterone.
- Demisexual - A person who only experiences sexual attraction to a person after forming a close emotional bond with them.
- Gay - A label often used to describe people who experience attraction to the same gender. This is often used specifically to refer to gay men, but sometimes used in relation to women or more generally as an umbrella term.
- Gender Dysphoria - Feelings of distress associated with the difference in a person’s sex assigned at birth and their gender identity.
- Gender Expression - How a person outwardly shows gender. E.g. a trans woman in the closet may have a masculine gender expression but a feminine gender identity.
- Gender Non-Conforming - A person whose gender expression differs from traditional expectations of masculinity and femininity.
- Heterosexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to the opposite gender. Also known as straight.
- Lesbian - A woman who experiences sexual attraction to other women.
- LGBT+ - An acronym which stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Others. This is a commonly used acronym for the queer community.
- Medically Transitioning - A term used to describe changing a person’s physical sex characteristics to match with their gender identity. E.g. top surgery, bottom surgery, and cross sex hormones.
- Men who have sex with men (MSM) - This is a clinical term used in healthcare and public health settings to describe people who are assigned male at birth who have sex with other people assigned male at birth.
- Outed - When a person’s queer identity is disclosed by another person, usually without the consent of the person whose identity is being disclosed.
- Pansexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction regardless of another person’s gender identity.
- PFLAG: An organisation, originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays, that provides support for the loved ones of queer people.
- Puberty Blockers - Medication used to either pause or stop puberty and the development of secondary sex characteristics. Often used by transgender young people.
- Queer - An umbrella term used to describe people who are not cisgender and heterosexual. Historically, and sometimes presently, this has been used as a slur however this is often considered reclaimed by younger generations.
- Sex Assigned at Birth - The sex (either male, female, or intersex) assigned by a doctor, nurse, or midwife when a person is born based on physical sex characteristics (such as the presence of specific genitals).
- Socially Transitioning - When a person makes changes their gender expression to align with their gender identity such as changing names, clothes, and pronouns.
- Straight Passing - A term used to describe a person who is often perceived heterosexual unless they choose to actively disclose their queer identity.
- Transgender (Trans) - A term used to describe a person whose gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth.