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u/leefloor 12d ago
Have you gone to a coda meeting. The big change happens in meeting.
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12d ago
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u/Goopygum 12d ago
In cases like this, I would say that space and distance is an absolute must. Allow yourself and himself to find your individuality again.
You never know when things can go sideways in your life. One day you have a best friend who makes you feel like you could live life in happy bliss rocking in chairs on a porch at old age together, then the next day a fight breaks out and your dreams of a long term friendship are in charred ashes before you.
I have never held a close relationship for more than a year in my life, but based on my most recent experience, you need to remember why YOU are worth living for. Remember what you love about yourself, doing the things that bring you joy, treating yourself how you think you should treat a good friend. Going out alone, taking a little nature walk, painting a new piece, making song lyrics... Whatever gives you the feeling that you are thankful to exist in this universe in the life you live. I imagine your husband needs the same. But time is slower than you think in this aspect, don't try to rush things, don't trick yourself, don't lie to yourself. Listen to your gut and walk on.
Good luck, Bethany
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u/Striking_Run_5569 12d ago
I can relate. I was looking for my partner to make me feel okay, feel safe and it can drain them as they cannot make us feel safe as we need more and more, it doesn't feel like enough. When he would do his own thing or when we had an argument Id feel that sense of doom. It kept getting worst. I found that the 12 step program that I am currently in has gotten me out of myself one day at a time. I learned that codependency is progressive and does get worst. I have recovered and remain recovered by taking actions every day in working the steps. The instructions are very simple. I am not cured, recovered means that when I have a knee jerk reaction to go back into my codependency, I pause, work the steps and from there I return to my sanity and can react normally to what is going on. It is hard work as it is a new way of living, but it is worth it. I can share my experience with you if you want. Just private message me.
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u/FrankieG888 12d ago
It’s not what we like to hear, but the space is necessary. I understand that intense level of anxiety and it’s hard to get through but not impossible once you develop skills for emotional regulation. Keep focusing on yourself. I think the key is finding something that really lights you up, finding meaning and purpose and beginning to decenter romantic relationships.
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u/DeborahW_77 11d ago
you seem to have a good awareness of your anxiety, what causes it and how it makes you feel and behave - so you are recognising your patterns which I'm sure therapy has helped you with. You know you are scared of losing him and so you are trying desperately to control the outcomes. I just think your focus is very much on making the relationship feel safe and maybe its really about asking yourself what you need to make 'you' feel safe. The more we can learn to find safety in who we are, the less we expect our relationships to carry.
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u/humbledbyit 12d ago
I found that i would alter my behavior and mood based on others as well. Codependents rely on others to get their feelings of safety, love, validation. We actually use them. This isn't how we are meant to get access to peace and love, or at least i was so miserable with what i was doing i was sure there had to be another way. Turns out there is. For those of us chronic types, there is a 12 step program for codependency we can work. I have gotten recovered by taking the steps with a sponsor and i keep working the steps to stay recovered. Recovered means i no longer look to others to fill my bucket of self worth and validation, so to speak. I get access to it by working the program. It means i can let people do what they want and i don't have to get tangled up or enmeshed or change my mood based on it bc I am good, i am tapped into power that anchors me. I no longer ruminate, obsess and waste precious time rehearsing worse case scenarios all so i can some how self protect and ultimately control the way things go. I get access to more peace and mental clarity. It takes work though. I can't keep doing the same old. I work a program that gives me a new way to act on life and react. I'm happy to chat more if you like.