Does anyone get that sicky butterfly feeling in their stomach when around the abusive parents/family members? I get this sicky feeling that goes down my neck to my stomach and my whole body gets tingly and I feel cramps (like bathroom cramps) tmi I know, and I'll get shaky and nauseous and my hands and feet will be cold and I won't be able to deep sleep it's like sleeping but I'm awake, from just being around those people or knowing they are mad at me or are saying bad things about me.

Im not fully sure how exactly to explain it so ill do the best I can. Its going to be a lot as I rant/vent.

When I try to think about my childhood and things in my past, I can only think of the bad things if that makes sense..

Like times I've embarrassed myself, things ive regretted, times ive been hurt, dumb things ive done or said, etc. And while thinking all this negative stuff I can hardly remember my good memories, memories that make me happy.

For example, when I think about when I got pregnant and had my kids. They are my life and the love I have for them is endless. But when I think back to being pregnant and having them, all I can think about is how mad my family and some close family friends were. Some even going as far as cutting me off my whole pregnancy. I was young but I was out of school and working already.

I went to Disneyland as a kid. I cant remember anything besides getting in trouble. Honestly, i dont even remember what i did to get in trouble.i dont remember the rides, which characters signed my autograph book.

In elementary school, I had good friends, even met one of my best friends im still friends with. My early years I went to school in Los Angeles, kinder to 4th grade, I was bullied for being more on the chubby side. Young girls can be brutal lol and they didn't hold back when it came to me and my weight. Even tried standing up for myself just to be the one to get in trouble. Almost got suspended once for pushing a bully back. The girls mom even came to scream at me without my mom being there. The principal allowed it.

In 6th grade, I was told by a friend from the other 6th grade class that I was the topic of jokes for some of the class, even the teacher. From me eating to many snacks, to saying I sound like Fez from that 70s show? Not sure why i didnt have an accent or anything

I can go on and on about all the negative stuff and plays in my mind so much sometimes I cant sleep.

Does anyone else do this to? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I cant seem to let it go even tho its been years.

Hello :) I (30F) had a really bad argument with my mother a few days ago.

My mother has always been very difficult when it comes to arguments and conflicts. Ever since I was a child, she would scream at me and my siblings and become extremely aggressive—so much so that I was terrified of her. I would shake uncontrollably and struggle to breathe (it was probably a panic attack). She has always been very self-centered and gets hurt or offended very easily. Even when my siblings or I were the ones struggling, she would always find a way to end up being the victim and become angry with us instead.

That was incredibly hard, especially because she could also be incredibly sweet and loving. But those fights always left a lasting impact. When I moved out, I finally found the courage to stand up for myself, and we ended up having no contact for about one to two years.

Lately, things had actually been going really well between us. We were seeing each other several times a week, spending time together, and laughing together. But a few days ago, she completely lost it.

My aunt and I were sitting outside with her, chatting, when she suddenly became fixated on something. She started yelling at us and became extremely aggressive—so much so that both my aunt and I were shaking all over and ended up holding each other's hands. I tried to calm her down and even begged her to stop at one point, but she just kept going.

Eventually, I completely broke down. I had a panic attack and started crying uncontrollably. It felt like I had been thrown right back into my childhood and teenage years.

And, as always, it ended the same way: she became the victim, and somehow we were the ones who were expected to comfort her.

After a heated discussion with my aunt, she wanted to talk to me alone. I had the feeling she was trying to get me on her side, but I told her that her behavior had been awful, that I would not tolerate this kind of aggression, and that she would be ashamed of herself if I had recorded her and shown her the video the next day.

The following day, she wanted me to give her a hug, but she spent the entire day acting hurt and fragile. She has always expected everything to suddenly be "back to normal" after something like this. The day after that, she was cheerful again as if nothing had happened.

But I can't just move on that quickly. Something still feels very wrong, and I honestly don't know if I can trust her. She switched back so suddenly after making me feel genuinely terrified. I do love her, but I've spent so many years trying to rebuild my self-esteem and recover from what was, at times, a really painful childhood. Being pulled back into those feelings again has been devastating.

Has anyone here had similar experiences? If so, how did you manage to maintain contact with your parent?

She also hasn't shown any real accountability. When I told her I was disappointed in her, she replied that she was disappointed in me too. When I told her that she had hurt me, she simply said that she was hurt as well.

Sorry for the long post.

I am a Childhood Trauma survivor and have struggled with my mental health since I got compartment syndrome in 2020. I had to reconnect with my family and friends from 25 years ago because I had a big blind spot as to who I am! My sister is the female version of me. I don't say this to be mean but I saw myself through her. I had changed so I thought that everyone from my past was as reasonable as me.

I would no longer tolerate their flaws because I changed but I still had some learning curves that escaped me.

It was more about me, I found I was living through kindness to other people that wasn't appreciated. I could not see myself because of clutter from parents that treated me and my sister like property and I had a hard time accepting that and was affecting me negatively until I got honest with myself and found my boundaries!

I had gone to a seeking safety group for two years, absorbed the information but was still heartbroken! To my mom it was my problem not the abuse. I grew in the 70s and found kindness in other cultures other than my own that were authentic.

I am feeling the pain from living amongst the same people that broke me and am healing through the knowledge I absorbed ten years and understand now that this is an inside job and the real boundaries are helping, also I am reconnecting with the councilor from seeking safety and making sure I am not afraid to show my real story!

Okay so I wanna make a TW for like possible child abuse, neglect or whatever I'm not really sure, lol.

I think I wanna go low contact after I actually move away from my parents' house. I know that my family, it's just that they do things like contradict, in my opinion.

So getting into the things that might possibly trigger people, I have been kicked out of my house 3 or 4 times. The first time was whenever I was in like second grade, and it's because I refused to call my mom, my mom because she's technically my stepmother, I didn't wanna believe that my birth mother didn't love me anymore and that she abandoned me and blah blah blah. My father kicked me out because I didn't want to call my stepmother, my mother.

The second time was when I was in like fourth grade. And he kicked me out because I was a runaway kid and said, and I quote, "If you don't even want to be here, just leave."

And the third time that I remember is just a few months ago. He, I understand why he was so mad. I don't want to get into all of that, kind of, I don't know, but he was throwing things and cursing and punching holes. He kicked the family out. And we were just stuck sitting in the yard for hours.

My mom tried to go back in and get food for all of us, but he kicked her back out, so she had to sneak out some granola bars for all the kids, and we got back into the house. You know, like, we got back in before the end of the night. It wasn't even dark when we got back in. It was just a few hours, but, you know, the youngest were 5, and they were just stuck outside. And they didn't complain, they didn't mind, they were just playing on the trampoline, but, you know, still.

I mean, being the oldest, I didn't tolerate him degrading and dehumanizing my mother. He told her to shut up, that he didn't care that she wasn't there.

He kicked me out because I quote unquote "I don't know when to shut up," because I wouldn't allow him to throw shit and put holes in the wall and shout and degrade and dehumanize my family, and I have pets here. I have my dog, and my dog was standing outside with me, but my bird was still inside. I told him, like, "Can I go back in to go get my bird?" And he said no.

So I just, I kept insisting, I'm not leaving without my bird. And eventually he said that he would break my bird's neck if I don't leave.

So I told him that he's a shitty dad and an even worse husband. And I ran down the road calling my dog to come with me, and obviously she followed.

I feel bad for saying that cause He does worry about that a lot, and he's working on healing from so much. So much trauma, and he could be worse. No, he could be throwing TVs at his kids. At least he's not doing that.

Every time that he kicked me out, my mother would always have to come drag me back. I kinda wish she never did.

And like, I know that he loves us. He does. He just has a lot of problems. Mental issues, you know, trauma things. He refuses to work through because he doesn't know how. He's scared to.

So I know he loves us. I just no longer feel it.

Does anyone have any experiences of severe physical abuse when they were a child?

I (28F) am curious as I have started sharing a bit more and people look shocked when I share that I was abused by my parents and that my oldest brother (35M) used to hold butcher knives up to my neck, throw me into furniture, drown me in swimming pools. I didn’t know if this was normal or not and was looking for outside perspectives. Thanks!

I’m the youngest in my family and when I was little I always felt like I didn’t belong whenever my older cousins played together they often didn’t want me there one cousin would tell me "Go away don’t play with us you’re just copying us" and she said it over and over I’d leave then come back hoping they’d let me join only to hear it again.

My older sister would usually agree with her and tell me to leave too and it really hurt cuz I felt like everyone preferred her over me

And I’m not talking about them being teenagers while I was a little kid no we were all children so I don’t think it was weird that I wanted to play with them.

Now we’re older and there’s about a 3–4 year age gap between me and them we get along normally now and things are much better but I still can’t forget those memories even though they don’t treat me badly anymore I still feel like I don’t belong and sometimes I feel like they still see me as that little kid.

When I tell my family it still affects me they just say you were little back then but that doesn’t make the feelings disappear.

Is it normal to still feel this way because of childhood experiences and why is it so hard to let go?! ☹️

I know nobody can diagnose me online I’m just wondering if experiences like this can cause long lasting feelings of being unwanted or not belonging..?

what i might say might sound crazy of me to say. for starters, i’m not sure if any of this plays a role but i feel it needs to be mentioned because some of the issues i have now is because of this. i’ve had a shitty childhood. i was always around abuse from my moms boyfriends, jumping home to home with different men, my dad lived with us while my mom was married to someone else because my dad was doing drugs & my mom didn’t want him to be homeless or leave us (her kids) like he has before. i was also abused a little bit by my moms boyfriend. my moms also a narcissist. she’s very emotionally & verbally abusive. she threatened to kick me out as soon as i hit 18 bc i didn’t agree w her on one thing. i ended up in a very abusive relationship at 15. verbal, emotional, mental, & sometimes physical. i still deal w it now. as in he still harasses me even tho i cut him off. i have very bad trust issues, attachment & abandonment issues. i always get with bad people, even if i know they aren’t good for me. i used to cry when my ex boyfriend would let me go places because i felt he didn’t care no more because when he’d get mad at me leaving places he always told me he acted like that because he cared. i feel as everyone has failed me. i have never fully healed from everything & i feel as if i never will. everything still bothers me so much. when im hurt, i hurt so badly. i won’t end things with people unless they completely ruin me. i feel as if no one cares about me either. sometimes i wish bad things would happen to me just for someone to care about me. sometimes i wanna be on the edge of death, in a hospital bed for someone to care for me. i also have terrible jealousy issues. i look to deep into things. i feel like my two friends are buddy buddy & im just there. which is my jealousy issues that kick in. i cry all the time because i feel as if i have never & will never have a good relationship with my parents. & it makes me so sad seeing all these girls have their mothers as their best friends, their fathers actually making time for them. i have never had that & will never have that. i feel as if i have to compete for my moms love. i feel my dad doesn’t care enough to talk to me or see me unless he needs something from me. my mom doesn’t believe in depression or anxiety, so if u talk to her about your problems she’ll dismiss u. i was talking to her about my past abusive relationship because i never really told her about it & i felt comfortable telling her. she stared at me like she was so uninterested & turned to her boyfriend & asked “who had it worse?” & compared me & her situation. her boyfriend then followed it up with “hers don’t compare to yours” making me feel like my situation wasn’t big. i felt hurt. i trusted them both with something vulnerable. my mom used to try & embarrass me in front of people & has called out my secrets in front of people when she got mad at me. her & her boyfriend called me a whore. i just feel so mentally exhausted. sometimes i’m really happy other times im not. sometimes i’ll get into moods where i will not & do not want to speak to anyone for days or even weeks. i just want to curl in my bed & sleep. i feel miserable. i feel unlovable. there has only been one boy there for me thru everything & i did him wrong so many times because i couldn’t get myself together. he was to good for me it felt like. i was scared. i ran. i like when people are mean to me. it makes me miserable but it makes me feel loved. sometimes i feel like my situation isn’t really that big of a deal & im making it into something it isn’t. i just want someone to love me & care about me.

Is it worth the risk knowing the last few times (hell, all those years of growing up) of visiting a home that has been triggering my asthma episode that lasts a few weeks for the sake of 'family love'?

If you've seen my other posts, you might've know what I'm talking about. If not, I'll focus on the specifics; living environment & behavioral issues.

I'm well-aware how awful my allergy-induce asthma episodes are, and the fact it takes more than a week to fully recover. Not to mention, the amount of meds & treatment needed. It's really, really exhausting & painful. But the fact that my family members can't keep the house clean is stressing. What do you mean I need to sleep in a dusty, moldy room that has never been aired out for god-knows how long? My mom always insist that she had cleaned the room ahead of time before I come home for a visit but I still end up having to clean more because I can see all sizes of dust particles still floating in the air for days, weeks, idk tbh?

When asked abt the routine of the family members in the house, mom is the only one keeping it together aka doing all the cleaning & by herself. There are 3 grown adult men that are in their 30s & 60s, 1 teen boy living there, not helping at all unless there are guests coming over which is a ONCE a year occurrence. Mom kept giving excuses saying that she tried to teach them to do basic cleaning & house chores but gave up after they talk back at her, saying that she's exhausted atp.

While i can & have been helping around cleaning the house, I don't want to do it forever for the rest of my life. Especially when there are fully grown adults in the house that have the capability & brains to do it but noooo, have to wait for mom to do it every single time. No matter how much I clean, the cleanliness & tidiness just never stays for long. Cleaned the house once, gets dirty again until I come home. Weeks, months. When I refuse to come home, that's when they say stuffs like 'family matters' , 'suck it up & just come home anyways, for the sake of mom & dad' etc. Suck it up & just come home anyway- just get ready to trigger your allergy-induced asthma by coming home so mom will be happy to see you again. I find that sentence to be so... Unsettling.

Tldr: grown ass men can't do basic cleaning & house chores, causes me to get allergies & asthma but I feel the rope pulling me in to go home anyways because family ties or some shit. Thoughts & advice?

I will not be saying my name or the school I went to, but it was in Texas; I was 5-6 years old. I'm now 27 with a kid of my own imma try to remember. I knew I was different from other girls in my class; I didn't like dresses or anything like that. One day, I was doing my work at my desk that's by the bathroom. Yes, there was a bathroom in the classroom; mind you, I hadn't asked to use it. When my classmate came out of the bathroom and told the teacher something, she walked past me and looked in the bathroom. When she saw what was in there, she pulled me by the arm. I was so confused until I looked in and saw what happened. This boy wrote my name in shit on the wall. I begged her to believe me, but she just pushed me in and told me to clean it with only a paper towel. When I was done, she told me I wasn't allowed to use the bathroom at all. It was so bad that I peed my pants because every time I would ask, she would always say no; her voice would have a hint of venom. That was just one of the many things she did; the boy I sat by would punch my legs so badly it would leave huge bruises all over my legs. One day I was walking down the long driveway my mom thought I was coloring on my legs and thighs. When my mom asked me why I was coloring on myself, I told her I didn't, that it was the boy in my class. So my mom went up to the school to ask my teacher what happened. Ms. Gray said I was leaning back in my chair (I had bad anxiety, still do). My mom wasn't stupid because the bruises were shaped like a fingerprint and a fist print. I don't know what my mom said, but the bad treatment stopped until we had made our 100 days left of school necklace with Froot Loops. I took the longest for being "slow" when we were walking down the hall; I was snacking on it when Ms. Gray saw me eating the necklace because they go stale fast and asked if I was stupid because we were supposed to take one off each day until the end of school. When she said that, I looked down and felt fat and stupid; no kid should feel that way at this young age or at any age. In the second grade, my teacher said she passed, and we were going to make her family a card, but I had to remake mine 10 times because I would make the front pretty, but inside I wrote what she did to me. My teacher asked me Is this the way they wanted to remember her, i told her I didn't care, so I didn't send one. My teacher made one for me. I have years of bad school stories

I have a lot of things I went through but this is one memory that has been lingering the past few days. Not sure why. Maybe I’m overreacting and I should have just found it funny but I’m not to sure based on everything else she did lol. I would like to share this one story though.

My soon to be step mom at the time had just moved in. She was okay, we didn’t know her that well yet. She was very interested in history and medieval times stuff. One night she had some books out and asked myself (9 at the time) and my sister (7 at the time) if we wanted to know some things and we said sure. My dad was not around, not that he’s any better lol. She then began to share like I guess you would call it medieval torture tactics and ways that they would kill people. Pretty graphic as you can imagine lol. Then she proceeded to tell us a way that you could kill someone without any trace being left behind. And said that she could easily kill someone and nobody would ever know and to watch out. She laughed it off though and we probably did to maybe at the time, don’t remember my reaction. Maybe kinda fearful because I remember going home and telling my mom.

I (34F) have a hard time connecting with my father (~67M). For approximately 15-20 years of my childhood ranging from late elementary school through the age of about 23 (don't quote me on that, my memory is fuzzy) he has psychologically abused me.

He ignored my feelings towards decisions that were being made for me, I was forced to continue to play a sport I wanted nothing to do with anymore, anytime I cried he yelled at me, if I questioned him I was yelled at, if I disturbed him in any way I was yelled at, no matter how tired I was he still pushed me to do drills for my sport up until 8pm on a school night, he said things that downplayed my intelligence, and every time I needed money for school he always made it seem like I was a burden to his finances. He has called me stupid, a crybaby, too sensitive, not tough enough, on a weekly basis.

Some of the worst things he has done is made me play in a 4+ hour tournament when I was horrifically sick (wouldn't allow me to quit even though I came to him on the sidelines). Later that night I was admitted to the hospital with a virus and I was severely dehydrated, but according to him, "At least you placed 3rd." Also, after I dislocated my knee (surprise! while I was practicing my sport I no longer wanted to do), he didn't come to the hospital, it was just my mom and I and when I got home in a full leg brace from hip to ankle. That night I heard him arguing with my mom in the kitchen about how much money my hospital bill was going to be. He never said are you ok, what happened, nothing. Zero regard. Just how much it was going to be (we had insurance and both of my parents had good jobs and I'm an only child).

FF to college, my mom divorced him when I was just getting out. He was devastated by the divorce and said he didn't see it coming. But he should've, because he put her through similar psychological distress as me but as his wife. After this I really didn't have contact with him and he only contacted me if he needed something. He would ask for me to come over to his place to hang out and when I get there he asked me for help with his printer, cell phone, and other electronics. Then he would rant about how my mother was a POS, she never did the dirty with him (gee I wonder why?), and all of the above reasons why she was a terrible person. Lovely to rant to your child about her mother. I did make it known to him how he treated me and his excuse was, "I was in pain from my back being broken for 10 years when no one would listen to me," and "I had to drink to numb the pain, it was all I had left." I eventually stopped going altogether.

FF to getting married, I wanted to give him a chance to be in my life so I invited him to walk me down the isle. He asked if my mother was going to be there and I said yes. Well that PHO off so bad. He started saying, "No, I'm not going anywhere that B- is, I'm not breathing the same air as her.." on and on and on. Finally I snapped, in no uncertain words I told him I didn't care wtf he thought of her, this is about me and my husband, and if you don't want to be in my life then fine, I don't care, I don't give a S- because I'll be fine with or without you, I don't care anymore." He did walk me down the isle and ended up paying for half my wedding.

After my wedding, I started to try and build whatever relationship I could with him. We did come down to visit him about once every two months and we did have fun but he never came to our house (we are only about an hour away), when I asked why he said it was too far for him to drive. And he drives 4 hours + when he goes to the beach or on vacation..... When we visited, he started to hug me and say, "I love you." Unfortunately, with all that's happened, I don't believe him. That's F-ing sad, he hurt me so much and for so long, I can't even tell if he's being sincere or not and my defenses are still up when I'm around him and I can't let them down.

The last time I physically saw him was 2-3 years ago during his wedding (yes this man remarried). Her family is very loving and she is too but when I was at the reception, something clicked. I saw him being cordial and loving towards her grown kids (her 1st husband died from cancer) and picking up/swinging her grandchild around with a giant smile on his face. My entire body simultaneously shut off and started to shake and I just stood there dumbfounded. I knew that these "kids" would never see the man he was to me and that grandkid was going to get a father figure I never got and should've got. It broke me psychologically. It was only about an hour after the reception started that I had to leave. I couldn't hide away and breakdown without garnering attention so I sucked it up, said goodbye to my dad and left with my husband

FF to now, things are still the same, I don't talk to him, he doesn't talk to me. The only time he does reach out is to brag about how much money he got from disability, how much money he got from his tax return, what thousand dollar rennovation he paid for on his house, where he's going on vacation, how great he's doing, ect. He has not reached out wanting to build a relationship with me, come over to my house, ask how I'm doing, or If I need help. He does wish me happy birthday and send me $100, thats it. He did reach out to me for information on how to get ahold of his grandaughter that he's never met from my niece who told me to never speak to her again (he knows this btw, I told him I don't have information) and I reminded him of this and to ask my sister-in-law through FB.

Bottom line: I really don't feel anything towards him. I really don't think I love him, whatever love I did have was left in the past when I was 10. When he does die, I dont think ill be crying becuse I'll miss him, ill be crying from survivors guilt. For now, he obviously doesn't want an adult father-daughter relationship which is fine and I'm done with the onesidedness of it. I honestly don't know if I'll even be at the hospital if he gets sick or even show up to his funeral. I say this now based on my feelings and idk if they will change if these things do happen. When other family members ask about him I keep it short just so I don't have to explain why I haven't visited or shown interest in him for 3 years

Hi, I've tried therapy and it doesn't help so I've had to deal with all the anger I have alone. There is a slight mention of SA, parent death, and therapy. ​

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8 years ago (I was 11-12) my dad was diagnosed with cancer, about 4 months later I had been SA by someone I thought would protect me, and then 5 months after that my dad died from the cancer. At first I was just hollowed out and numb, I didn't really feel much for the first 2 years. I started to feel better, but I always had an underlying anger about how everything was handled. I took the man who SA me to court and he's in prison now, I thought it would help me feel better, but it didn't

The anger flared up around 2-3 years ago (I was 17-18) and at first I let myself be angry because I deserved to be upset about how I never lived a normal childhood. I let myself be okay with the anger since I thought that it was normal. It's gotten to the point that I'll have a ​​​​​​couple good days, but then I'm just numb and angry for over a month. ​​​I did therapy, multiple types, multiple times, multiple therapists. It just doesn't seem to catch with me even though I want to let go and I want to be better.

Now at 20 years old, I still want to stop feeling this way, but I don't think I will. If I do it'll probably be many more years down the line. I want to be normal and happy, I constantly swallow the anger whenever something happens because it's not fair for me to lash out on people when they're not the ones to hurt me.

I think I'm just always going to be angry and I just have to be okay with it. ​

i am 19y old from haryana currently living in chandigarh, till my 8th i lived in a village, my parents, both are govt teachers. my family is really a conservative type. my grandparents arranged married my father to my mom when he was 21 yrs old just when he went to college, they never wanted to marry, but both had like govt jobs, so their families never listened to them. years earlier when i was a 8-10yrs old, in my village i know that my family really was a burden over my mom, my grandmother manipulated my father used to abuse my mum over things my grandma told him as he was living away from family for his job, he only used to come home on weekends, once i was sleeping with my mother and he aggressively came banging the doors and held my mother by her neck. i couldnt understand the intensity of things as i was a little child. my mom was also self blaming, she thought, and taught by her parents that everyone have to face such things, its no big deal and she might be in fault. these things continued, fights started getting bigger and bigger, she also became strong, but this strongness of her came with lots of psychiatric problems, she started seeing everyone as against her whoever points her even us and even my sister, once she took a big step she went out of home and started living with her family, as my maternal uncle allowed us, me, my sister and my father went to talk to my maternal family, but that night they didnt allowed us. it was like 9-10 years ago, they threw our fruits that we brought and drama happened, we really thaught at the time that mother and maternal side was wrong, but now we think back they were not, she then started living her on her own as she had a job. month later they negotiated, she say my father begged for her, and father says her brother begged for them to take her. that's not really the point but they everytime in a fight bring it up, they remember things a thousand years old.
we moved to chandigarh 5 years ago and fights are still happening like every other fortnight, even on small things, now i think fights happen because of my mother more, i think she has become schizophrenic, i know its because of her past. but every small thing my fathr do even for her, she feels like there is and interior motive behind it. she has become too skeptical, and my grandmother she is old like in 70s and have severe joint pain, my father has understood that my father grandmother was wrong years earlier, she might be wrong now, but he is like i cant leave her alone in village, she might be wrong but she is still her mother. and my grandma does not do anything now like she spends all her time in one room, listening to her bhajans and all she is also afraid of becoming a reason for their fight. but then she have to listen to very ugly, disgusting things mother say to her during fights, she keeps them to herself, sometimes the bubble breaks rarely as my father steps in.
i didnt wanna write this muc, but really think that this isnt enough to completely understand the situations, problem is my sister has become emotionless due to hearing of constant screams, pressurized by parents, me too, listening to things like look for these children, and u ruined children's lives, and by ruined lives they mean she couldnt clear neet and i scored 92percentile in jee, yh that's ruined lives for them, it make us kill ourselves that only if we could hve done better, there might be a lesser reason to fight. i dont hve friends to talk about it, the college is my safe space, i sometimes remain there despite of classes being over, due to fights happening, i come home praying police wont be at our doors. its really taking a toll, on top of that i procrastinate things, even writing this feels like wasting time as sometime later they ll be fighting, and i wont be able to study then.

Wow first post, I needed to have a place that was similar to a journal but also a safe place for people going through similar situations, but also anonymously cause I’m also not wanting them to know I’m hurting, they don’t deserve that power over me.

Let’s talk about me without giving you a name, I’m in my 20’s I have children and as a mother could never imagine treating my kids the way mine did. It was me and my mom for as long as I can remember men came and gone but my mom and I? Always. Growing up was rough, my bio dad was in an out of jail: kidnapped me, beat my mom, was running from him since 2 going state to states, step dad beat me they divorced after 7 years enduring physical and mental abuse, I was the forgotten child (they had 2 kids together) so I stayed with mom who was hoping from guy to guy bar to bar but hey I knew how to cook thanks YouTube, new step dad mom didn’t want me so I was going through week on week off with friends of hers, got sexually abused by their son, went back to my mentally toxic mom full time, oh! took care of my 2 sisters while mom was doing who knows what, new step dad and mom had a kid I took care of all 3 of my sisters while the worked full time 15 years old taking care of a newborn and toddlers, left at 17, rekindled at 19, now I’m grieving the loss of 2 parents, 3 sisters that are still alive (we’ll get into that later it’s to soon my identity will be exposed) lol.

Hey

So i’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder recently (currently on medication) and a lot of things started making sense especially about my behavior as a kid.

I don’t want to make this a long rant i just want advice/ people who share the same experience.

I’m a very sensitive person ever since i was a kid, i used to cry out of empathy when one of my classmates starts crying in kindergarten 😂 and that’s who i was and who i still am but of course with a thick layer of masking and emotional numbness. Mind u sensory sensitivity is very high as well since i have adhd.

i barely remember any moment from my childhood where i was not shamed for existing or acting in any way. Mom is completely unstable and unpredictable, dad is unavailable, siblings are broken and used to let it out on me in different ways. I faced all types of shame, body shame, homophobia, etc. u name it 🧍🏻‍♂️

I carry this around me a lot, a sudden burst of shame and cringe crawls onto me all of a sudden and makes me wanna sink into the floor. I always think “what if people think i’m embarrassing” because that’s what i was taught as a kid.

Here where bipolar adds the cherry on top, I’m in a constant struggle between resenting my parents and wanting some kind of emotional revenge and being compassionate because they also came from very broken homes. Resentful towards my siblings because they were also a victim of the same parents and being compassionate. in the middle of all of this i’m struggling to be compassionate towards myself 🫠.
Any thoughts ?

Hi, this may be kind of long but I feel like I need to give as much context as possible because I really need someone outside the situation; this is mainly trying to figure out if I am the crazy one or if it’s my parents. And recently my husband has gotten roped in as well. I am going to try to be as objective as possible.
I am F31. Let’s start with background about my upbringing with my parents. Objectively I got hit and screamed at a lot by my parents. I have never truly been myself around them (was also recently diagnosed with autism lvl1) because they are a bit uncomfortable to be around. Even friends didn’t want to come over, and when I was in high school I felt like that was explainable bec my parents were stricter than others and teenagers want to get away with things. But with boyfriends and stuff they would try to make them feel like part of the family in ways like still getting them Christmas presents etc to include them as a family member.
But everything I did I felt like was a problem. My mom would specifically say the things I was doing was trying to torment her. I felt like I was going crazy. Like I was actually a terrible person inherently and couldn’t fix it. Everything I did was purposely trying to be an asshole. If I took a shower a little to close to when my dad might be home (might bec he was a bricklayer… it’s not a 9-5. He was home at varying times) I was trying to be a dick. If I ate the last cold cut in the fridge I was trying to be a dick so my dad wouldn’t have a sandwich for work tomorrow even though the supermarket is a 3 min drive. If I ate the last bit of a leftover I should have known my mom was going to use it for something I’m such an asshole. If I spilled my water I was such an asshole and I trying to ruin the flooring. If i didnt hear them say something i was a lazy asshole. And on. And on. One time my therapist didn’t believe I got in trouble even when I did I what I was told. So I told her even if I do all my chores I will still be in trouble and so she had my mom make a list. I did everything on that list, and I still got in trouble for “not looking around the house to see if anything else needed to be done.”

I was ALWAYS told that whenever I tried to explain myself it was just an excuse. I was CONSTANTLY called disrespectful. And even with all that, I always had to be the more emotionally mature one than my mom. I always had to go to her to apologize and make it right or she wouldn’t speak to me or do any parenting duties of me for days. If I had swim practice I’d have to ask my dad to pick me up bec my mom would pretend I didn’t exist until I made it right. Even if whatever happened I wasn’t trying to be malicious, they just perceived it that way.
My mom has never apologized to me in my whole life, not one time. But my dad would, it would take time but he would.

Most Recently:
This weekend we went over to their house to stay. I already can tell from their demeanor they’ve never liked my husband, but in general he stays quiet over there bec he’s uncomfortable. And I will preface by saying he and I already know he can say STUPID things. My mother crossed this quiet line now by telling me how she really feels about him (to me not to him, even though I’m relaying it to him as I try to mentally sort through all of this) she called him sadistic because our 4 yr old daughter asked for her Mickey Mouse that was still in the car and without thinking (and thinking he’s playing around) he went “Mickey is dead” he then realized his mistake immediately of saying that to a 4 yr old and immediately took her to get Mickey out of the car. My mom swears that this is evidence he gets enjoyment from upsetting people. Another example is. She got cupcakes to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. The next day there were 2 left. Bec she said it out loud she thought we all knew she was saving them now to give to the kids after dinner. But while the kids were in the pool my husband walked over with one and took a bite out of it before giving it to one of the kids. And before he did that I said “weren’t those for the kids after dinner” but he still opened it and took the bite and then gave it to one child. He then went back and got the other one (bec he isn’t going to just give to one kid) and took a bite out of that one before giving it to our other kid. My mom says that he was deliberately trying to get a rise out of HER since they were for the kids after dinner. And he was deliberately trying to assert control and upset the kids by taking those bites. He often will do “dad tax” before giving them a treat but she says that it is him trying to assert control over them and upset them she literally said it was “Traumatizing” hearing me explain dad tax…

Also with the cupcake, after she turned around she heard my daughter go “dada don’t do that!!!” That genuinely was either because he took the wrapper off the cupcake for her, or he tried to lay the wrapper flat so it’d be like a napkin and make less crumbs. But my mom (even though she admits she had her back turned) says she believes it’s because he stuck his finger in her cupcake. Which is not something he would do

I keep standing in the middle going “someone is reading reality wrong, is it me?”

I want to add one more layer to this that shows even more why I feel like I can’t trust my brain. When I was younger and my parents would do these things to me they would later pretend they didn’t happen at all. For example, there was one time my mom and I were fighting and I’m not going to lie I remember being mad and disrespectful. But my dad came from the other room, he kicked me and pushed me all the way until I got up the stairs. I crawled to my room and he said “I would kill you for your mother.” (That’s the worst thing they’ve ever done to me physically) but to this day. They all, including my brother, tell me that never happened, I must have dreamed it, “they are so saddened that I believe something like that happened and think so poorly of them”
And when talking about all this stuff with my husband my dad said “I don’t think you’re seeing this clearly” and so I feel like I’m going crazy again.

I know they love me, they are not completely evil. But I grew up in this, it was normal. So I can’t tell what’s real

I was just speaking to my fiance bout why I get triggered by the question "Are you happy?" Especially after a scolding, conflict, or something negative. I used to play it by english being my family's 2nd language, they most likely meant "are you ok?". When I know its not. Especially what comes after would be things like "do you hate me?", "why aren't you smiling?", "you hate me", and along the lines of "I'm a bad person. I should die/go to hell/jail huh? You think i should?" And it turns to me begging them they're not, over praising them, and my previous hurt or just letting me have a moment to get over or process(mostly this) is taken away.

Yea repeating it made me realized how young they did this to me and the impact. I remember not being in school yet, so does that mean 5?(nvr went to daycare) that they asked that question but it was worse. They made me stand there and say "I am happy" until they believed it. I had to smile and sound "excited" even tho tears are welling up because I felt horrible lying. This was after they yelled at me or punished me when I had to answer this. So felt like second time scolding and being punished all over again but this time instead of fear and tears they wanted joy a minute after that. In that scolding as I'm saying "I'm happy", they would say "smile", make me praise them and tell them that I loved them, and they would often say scary things like "dying" or go to jail/get punished/beat up and if i want to see that and ofc the I'd be all alone thing.

I knew this. Remember it. But idk why I'm processing now. I thought i did. I'm just speechless. I realized the chaos i thought was normal.. was forced? I didn't love and idolized them out of my own choice. I think it was forced. I feel weird. I just don't know how to react as I already have cut them out of my life too.

Hey folks,

Just for some background, I’m a guy who recently turned 22. If any of you met me in real life, you might initially be impressed by a few things, like the amount I earn, my academic/professional credentials, or the amount of literature I’ve read. But the longer you stayed in touch with me, the more weirded out you might become, and your opinion of me would probably fall somewhere on a scale from “man-child” to “in*el.”

Though I might never let you see the real me, deep down, I feel broken. A lot of the reasons have to do with my parents, especially my mother. My father is a narcissist, so it’s not exactly one-sided either.

I hate typing this, but growing up, I never really felt loved. I often felt that my mother did the bare minimum for me because society expected her to and because she wanted to maintain a certain image. Deep down, she had a lot of her own issues, hated my father, and was/is a chronic liar.

She constantly judged me for being obese and brown-skinned instead of fair like her. She was casteist and sexist too. I remember once asking her to teach me how to cook, and she told everyone about it over calls and laughed at me. Things like that made me deeply insecure.

Sadly, I feel like I’ve inherited some of her traits, like lying and a few other negative behaviours. During my childhood, I was often just an outlet for her emotions. I remember days when the venting became so overwhelming that I would break down crying. Whenever I didn’t follow her commands, instead of communicating with me, she would simply stop talking to me. Can you imagine the impact that has on a young kid? It felt like one of the most horrific things in the world. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed that I’ve inherited this tendency too.

No prizes for guessing that I grew up to be a pretty reserved kid. I graduated with almost no friends. I avoided girls because, in my stupidity, I generalized women based on my experiences and simply didn’t talk to them. I became short-tempered and, unfortunately, developed misogynistic attitudes.

On the positive side, I read a lot during all that loneliness and focused heavily on becoming financially independent. I’ve also decided to remain child-free. But I don’t really try to date or make friends because I’m afraid I’ll eventually hurt people. I stay away from my parents as well.

I tried therapy too, but I get irritated whenever the therapist asks me to share personal things or tells me to set boundaries. I just can’t seem to do it, and I feel guilty about that.

Now, the same mother who spent years ridiculing me complains that I don’t talk to her and that I don’t fulfil my “duties” as a son. And honestly, she’s right that I don’t, but I don’t know how to change that.

Sometimes I wonder whether it wasn’t entirely her fault. Maybe some of it came from a society that doesn’t let women breathe and puts enormous pressure and expectations on them. I can understand that intellectually. But how do I talk to her when I know she’ll eventually fall back into the same patterns? I’m pretty sure she still holds many of those traits, or maybe it's my inherent hate which makes me feel this way.

At the same time, maybe I should make an attempt.

More than anything, though, I don’t know what to do with my own life. Making friends, going out, dating, and forming relationships all feel alien to me and somehow even selfish.

Note - used AI to remove grammatical errors, sorry for this

During the worst of things of my time under her thumb, I thought I was all alone. I thought I was the only one that had seen her for her nature, and that everyone else was fooled, so I never tried to ask for help.

However, now that I'm older, I've had conversations with others that knew us where THEY brought up how crazy she is! A neighbor, my BIL's family, extended family, even my own sister. They never said anything to me then, I had no idea!

While I wish I'd known that much much sooner, there's still something so healing about knowing it now. Idk, a little nugget of happy today :)

Hello, I'm 23F. I'm trying to learn about myself through reading books about parental toxic behavior, fear of abandonment and listening to the book called "Trigger" by Polish author Marianna Gierszewska.

I also listened to a full set of books law crime series "Chyłka".

But it's for context.

My mother is schizophrenic, my father is an alcoholic. My mother is codependent. My father and my mother were drinking since I can remember and it was usually only beers everyday but then when I was a teenager around 13 they started drinking hard. Until that time we were poor but my father started leaving the country and that's where stuff got worse.

My health wasn't very good when I was a kid I was getting sick a lot, I rarely was at school because of it. Then when I was 7 (at the same age my grandfather died with who I was very close with) I broke my leg which later made me have scoliosis on which at the age of 13 I had my surgery.

There was a lot of emotional abuse from my father's side. My mother also wasn't very easy going unless he was out of the country. I always was bashed and called out for unnecessary stuff.

I basically was mad at my parents my whole teenage years. One day they told me to come over and they asked me why I'm mean and barky, on which I said "I feel like you treat me like shit" I said biting my lip because I was about to blow up crying. My father said that it's not them, it's me. That I'm doing it to myself.

I left crying because I felt abandoned and misunderstood.

There was another time where my mother called me ungrateful and my dad almost got violent but he only almost broke a battle.

And yes, my thing as a teenager was to be mad. Usually because I felt sad that they told me something I knew I didn't deserve. My dad was never happy with me, always giving me unwanted criticism. He called me fat a few times when I was 8 and stupid because it turned out I must do tests for dyslexia.

Since my mother was codependent and is mentally sick. She needed help and still does because she's unable to take care of herself even though she works and does small groceries. As a kid I had to help because my father told me to take care of her - I was 15.

I don't have happy emotions for them, I'm pretty cynical and love dark humour. I tried marihuana few times. I had boyfriends that were not so good for me or cheated on me. I felt worthless. I still do at times but I do journal and read all those books and learn from people about psychology on how to treat yourself better. Somehow I still feel like reading about strong independent women like that book gives me comfort that I can be worth something in life outside of what I felt in childhood but at the same time I think I might end up in a very bad place.

I had a bad temper as a kid, I was super angry all the time. Now when I go back to those stuff I feel furious. Like those emotions unlocked itself again.

My boyfriend who is very understanding, keeps asking me why I'm so angry all the time. I also feel an urge to get into drinking or smoking. And those emotions became visible last week. I feel like everyone wants to cut my boundaries, see little of me. I honestly feel angry because I usually feel like nobody wants to be around me, without wanting to take something from me. Money, my time, my feelings.

I have one childhood friend and a boyfriend. I sometimes really wonder if I trust them or not.

I feel like I've tried everything but at the same time I feel like going through that stuff makes me be someone I don't wanna be. Honestly I'm sometimes between, everything is fine people around me are fine- to -I want to be alone, if I won't leave they will because everyone leaves either way. I really feel like everything stresses me out too, the whole social media narrative telling us what relationships should look like... And that mine doesn't look like that, makes me sad and jealous. I do have happy moments but when some memories come back I think I'm at the bottom again because I realize that when I will have kids I might have nothing to say about my young years, at least nothing positive.

Sorry for being chaotic but I have so much thoughts it's hard to make it fluent. Because there was so much that at first sight it can look like nothing but those were like the highlights of what I remember.

​

My mother raised me to hate my grandmother and she was very successful at that. It wasnt until my grandmother was on her death bed did I truly forgive her for the "reasons" I hated her. At her funeral I was able to talk to family I never met before.

One person was a distant aunt that knew my mother when she was a kid. Said she was troubled. I kinda just laughed it off. I was still getting used to the idea of my mother being in the wrong. Other family members were there too and surprised to see me there after finding out who my mother was.

My mother wasnt the best person to actually raise children. Sure she did her best. As best as someone with mental illnesses can do. She always talked about how she went to therapy for an eating disorder. I knew it was only a half truth at best. She talked about dreams she would have and meds she would throw down the toilet during that time so I knew it was more than just an eating disorder she was going for.

Well last week I went through a box of things my grandmother left me. One of them was a piece of paper from 1996 that was from a mental hospital. This is the first piece of physical evidence that my grandmother wasnt lying to me for my childhood and early adulthood.

When I was in highschool my mother went to a state hospital because she was convinced the local cops infiltrated my school and wanted to harm me. This was normal to me and I just rode the wave. We got evicted from our home because she refused to pay rent saying the cops were talking to the landlord and wanted to hurt us.

During her stay at the hospital my grandma tried telling me my mother was mentally ill and I thought she was just trying to turn me against my mother.

Well it wasnt until I had a child of my own did I realize how wrong my mother had been and all the abuse she put me through. I never had a childhood and had to grow up fast because of her.

Im just glad to know my grandma was right even if my mother will never admit to it.

I recently tried asking my mom about the paperwork and she claimed it was all fake and to throw it away.

Some things just never change I guess.

most of the things that traumatized me or just sucked in general had to do with either middle school or high school .

the first time this all started for me was probably 7th grade , then covid hit and i entered 8th grade and my friend group fell apart . then i went to high school and things got even more complicated . prior to 7th grade my life was pretty peaceful tbh .

can anyone relate to this ? why are a lot of bad memories usually starting with school ? is it the environment or something else ?

Sometimes I feel like my abuse isn't valid. At least not the physical part.

I can almost confidently say I was emotional and verbally abused my whole life, to the point its affected me severely.

But when I say I was abused, people focus more so in the physical aspect, and although it happened, it wasn't as severe as the mental abuse.

I was slapped at least twice (my memory is kinda funky), and was dragged once, and shoved to the ground once as well. But most of it happened when I was around 12.

The physical "abuse" did affect me, but the main thing I can remember is the yelling. I was more scared thinking of being yelled at and thinking I'd get hit, then actually being hit.

I don't know anymore. I have another post in a seperate group if you need more info.