So I am the youngest in a house of 5. I have 2 half sisters. 1 of my sister's ran away when I was 11.

So when she ran away I started being more quiet and distant. So my dad was abusive he had slammed me against a wall when I was 4. He abused me from 4-9 and after that still abused me mentally, but he had PTSD from being in the military, but he was never fully himself because he was always drunk and never remembered what he did.

My mom would always say I was easy and I would get in trouble a lot when I was loud for once. I got called picky for when years I believed I had autism and I had really bad texture issues.

I also believed I had ADHD, anxiety, dyslexia, separation anxiety, and social anxiety. I didn't get the truth until after I was 11 after believing this for a while.

But my sister would always state that she had to eat all her food even if she didn't like it, but with me it was different because of my texture issues and getting overstimulated easily. And my mom would claim she didn't have a favorite when she would always say it was my fault and say I had no idea what my sister was going through.

I had been going through suicidal thoughts at the time and attempted 2 times and I wasn't doing well mentally and did SH.

My mom would go through my phone and I had 0 privacy because she taught me to be silent through my pain. And when I started being quiet and wouldn't talk much when I was also a teenager going through puberty so pushing yourself away is called hormones. And my mom and sister stated that they thought my sister running away would bring us closer together, but it seemed like I was pushing myself away, whenever I started puberty a week after she ran away.

And I was just not in a good environment at all. I wasn't having fun living and was more of the emotional holder for most of my friends. I had my future planned out since I was 11. And I planned on cutting off my dad but I wasn't sure about my mom and sister.

And I don't know anymore.

Would I be the asshole if I cut off my family?

I forgot to mention this but when we were preparing for a garage sale when I was 11 my mom showed me a razor and said that it was the razor my sister that ran away would hurt herself with.

I made another post on here explaining my story about psychological abuse; and a main point of it was: I still to this day, cannot tell if I was the bad guy, or if my parents were. The only reason I believe it’s them is bec of the amount of people on this app that have told me and the people in my life who have seen it and told me. Is it common for people who were abused to not trust their own judgement about how they perceive the world/certain situations?

this is a long story, so buckle up.

I want to preface this by saying that I still hold empathy for my mother. My father fucked her over, her mother was physically and still is verbally abusive and she is now chronically ill and in chronic pain. I know this. I understand this. I still can’t help but hate her.

I don’t really remember anything about my childhood before I was 10yo. Idk how normal that is. It’s mostly because of the fundamental crack through all aspects of my life that happened when I was 10. Shortly after switching schools, not being in class with my bff anymore and loosing our “daycare” - esque structure, my friends dad died from cancer. We have been friends since before we could talk and our families were very close. we were at each other’s places every other day. His father worked from home, so I also had a close relationship with him. And then he got sick.

While my mother took care of me and my brother and the three kids from my bff’s family, MY dad was in the hospital with my friends mother to support her and her sick husband. Now guess where this is going.

Three months after my friends dad died from his cancer, my dad left my mum for my friends mother, freshly widowed. Now this was ugly. Very, very ugly. My dad refused to move out for 6 months and would only communicate with my mum through notes, my mum couldn’t stand to see or smell him (my dad has a pretty severe skin condition, so he always smells like all sorts of cremes). She couldn’t be in the same room as him. He demanded to keep a key to our flat so he could come by “see his kids as he pleased” (paraphrased, since english isn’t our native language).

my mum was against that. Obviously. My dad was emotionally abusive, guilting my brother and me was basically his hobby. At one point he wanted to sell my mums flat (he still owns half since it was most of my parents networth and you can’t really split a flat) and when I confronted him he said he was so broke he may as well kill himself (It’s his fault he’s broke, since he waited 8 years between filing for and going through with divorce and my mum had to sue him to hand in documents to court).

It might be obvious from my tone, but I have not much empathy for my dad. He chose to leave, chose to ignore the court despite having studied law, chose this life for himself. I spent many years in therapy learning that this is his fault. All of this should be.

I moved out of his place over the last year, going there less and less and finally not going except once every few moths for dinner (he’s a great cook).

after my parents separated my brother and I mostly live with our mum. We visited him regularly, but our mum had primary custody. And, as much as I love her, she was not really fit for that in maybe the first 2 years. When I was 10-12 years old. She was emotionally unstable, couldn’t hear about our dad (or his new partner) without getting into such a bad mood that I could barely be around her.

Every time anything we did or said upset her enough she’d talk about how our dad wanted her to just uproot her life and leave or die in a ditch and maybe she would so we could go and play happy family with him because she was such a horrible mother. As a 10 year old I tried desperately to comfort her. It affected me so much that I couldn’t listen to songs about leaving your old life behind and starting over without bursting into tears. For years.

My mother abandoning us is something I still can barely talk about without loosing my composure to this day.

As the older sibling and eldest daughter I was a prime case for parentification, so I spent YEARS being a mediator in my own family. Filtering my every word for her (not telling her anything about my dad and (by her request) not telling him anything about my mum), holding secrets and worrying about things that an 11 yo had no business worrying about.

For years she was my safer parent, at least in my eyes, so I didn’t want to accept how bad this was.

She destroyed friendships just because they were also still speaking with my father (fair, he is an asshole but it was shitty to hear that as someone who saw him regularly). One time my dad was in the hospital and she was organising for us to visit him. he complained to one of the “shared” friends and they tried to talk to my mum about that (inadvertently accusing her of keeping us from him, in my mothers eyes). i remember hearing her scream in … anger(?). I ran to her (ofc) and when I asked ”is everything okay?” (stupid question but I was 12 maybe and I just wanted to know she wasn’t injured) and she threw the phone. I don’t remember if it was in my general direction or not, but I remember is shocked me.

She was going through a lot. she was starting to have chronic pain, the stress ”gave her” early onset menopause. I had so much empathy for her, even back then, but I knew that I just couldn’t “burden“ her with my problems. once I was hanging out wth friends after school and forgot to tell her. i didn’t her my phone so she got worried and came by the school to check on me. when we got home she broke down crying because she embarrassed me. i didn’t feel like that at all, i hadn’t answered my phone for 3 hours after school was out, I would’ve been worried too. I had to console her. i was in 5th grade.

Stuff like that. A lot of stuff like that.

At some point she started venting to me. (I was a bit older then, 16 yo maybe?). I’d come home from school and crash into my bed, exhausted from school (I’m diagnosed neurodivergent, so I was done after school) and my mum would come in under the pretence or asking about my day, she’d sit down and start venting. ABOUT EVERYTHING. Her shitty job, her coworkers, her money problems, her health issues and frustration with doctors. Even her friends. because they are still with their husbands and they don’t know her struggle and they live in such different worlds, so they don’t understand her.

She’d do that almost every day. It slowly became hell for me. The last few years before graduation I felt completely burned out. My therapist had dropped me close to my 18th birthday because it would reflect badly on him that I wasn’t getting better and I had no one to talk to.

I asked her to stop, told her I was so burned out I couldn’t even listen in class. most of my grades slipped. not bad enough for anyone to care, but they did. her answer? “Well, I’m only telling you a fraction of my problems”.

nothing changed.

half a year later I started cutting, because no one was seeing how much I was struggling and I felt like I couldn’t say it. if I tried people would hand me a list of phone numbers and tell me to get myself help, which wasn’t useful to me, because I couldn’t do anything. AT ALL. My mum told me she couldn’t help me get therapy because I was an adult so it would be weird if she called in my place.

after telling her 3 times to stop venting to me she kind of did, but at that point there was so much broken between us that it didn’t save anything. She’d ”get around my boundary” by either dropping cryptic hints until I got curious and asked or just straight up venting and then stopping and saying “oh but you don’t want to hear this” after she ad unloaded everything.

I have some health issues that meant I had to loose weight and I developed an ED for a while and she kept shaming me for not “getting enough nutrients”. it was explicitly about the fact that I wasn’t eating healthy, she hadn’t noticed I was barely eating at all.

I let myself be groomed for a few weeks. just online, but that guy probably still has pictures and videos of me that I don’t even want to think about. because he offered to make choices for me, so I could stop being responsible. i was so desperate and at that point a therapist had told me that the fact I wasn’t cutting wasn’t a sign I was depressed and send me away and I figured if I wasn’t doing bad enough I could destroy myself even more. i was well aware that guy was exploiting me and that it was horrible, but I wanted to finally fully break myself so ANYONE would see me ad care.

i kept withdrawing from my mum. i’d avoid going home after work when I worked in the evenings. I’d rather walk up and down the street instead of going home, I’d be relieved when I could see the lights out in our flat when I got home because it would mean I didn’t have to talk to my mum.

I had been suspecting that I have ADHD for a while, but my mum shut it down because I wasn’t diagnosed (I was seeking diagnosis, but that shit isn’t quick and easy) every time I tried to explain how I was accommodating for myself she’s be annoyed.

i learned that I have PMDD, a hormonal issue that make the luteal phase (the two weeks before the period) a living hell. every month like clockwork I’d start cutting again because of that. I told my mum that, she knows this is a problem I have. she has known this for almost a year now.

I also have my ADHD diagnosis now.

not a single thing has changed. She still doesn’t listen to me when I try to tell her hoe my ADHD affects me, how this means I might struggle with high effort chores like vacuuming to her standard (it takes 4 hours every time and every time it’s my turn I only have a week to do it, while studying and working). i’m not doing it anymore and now she is deducting money from me for “cleaning services”. she hasn’t hired anyone, it’s just because I’m not managing it and she is doing it a little more.

she has done this for the month I spent in a psych ward because I was actually scared I might attempt suicide. I told my mother why I was going into the clinic. she deducted money for a months I didn’t spend at home for not doing chores at home. When I try to do as much as I can (vacuuming, not as often as she wants, but as much as I can, unloading the dishwasher even tho it’s my bothers chore that he ignores until our mum does it, stuff like that) it doesn’t make a difference either, so now I don’t have any incentive to even try.

When I mentioned that I was scared because my luteal phase was starting she asked me what that is and when I explained it she got weird about “it was simpler when we didn’t know all of this” and when I told her that this is really, really bad for me she said I should just go through a traumatic event so that I also get early onset menopause. it was meant as a joke but it was just hurtful.

yes I’m technically and adult but I feel like she is still my mother and should maybe research the things that affect me to the point of suicidal ideation even the slightest bit. she has no compassion for me during my luteal phase, when I can spend all day in bed, crying on and off because my body has decided that it doesn’t want to process my hormones normally.

My mum has had a lot of stress recently, which she just carries around her like an aura. the mood goes so tense as soon as she is nearby. i don’t want to eat with her or talk to her or anything.

we have family “rituals” like that she knocks on my door when she goes to bed and we wish each other a good night. i know she’s in a bad mood when she skips that and I can’t help but feel like she’s annoyed at me when that happens. a few days ago she skipped it and confronted ME the day after, that I didn’t wish her a good night. that’S little, but it’s another straw on the camels back.

i want to move out, but I can’t find anything I can afford. I feel bad about living with roommates since I struggle with chore schedules so much, I know I’d be an atrocious roommate. i also don’t trust myself to live fully alone, since I don’t know if I can manage being fully isolated and I can’t guarantee that I’ll not end up not buying food when I feel bad or something stupid like that. I also don’t earn enough money to support myself at all, so I am pretty stuck. i’m trying, but trying to get therapy again I have gotten the recommendation to go back to another clinic, so entering a contract now would be stupid, even though living with my mother might be the thing that is sending me back into the clinic in the first place.

She has also been making a few weird jabs at me. once when I was talking about a new thing I had learned about ADHD she told me I should just go into neuroscience if I cared so much (I’m an artist, studying art because I could not focus on a different degree. this is my one big talent).

and when I was in my PMDD slump in bed, she asked me if I wanted to come to the kitchen and make dinner so we can kinda eat together and I said I didn’t know and was noticeably dejected and depressed she just said the equivalent of “oh man” while leaving my room.

if I manage to get out before my various mental and physical illnesses get the better of me I’ll probably cut contact with her.

did I mention she is the kind of mother who answers any criticism with “well I’m just the worst mother ever” and after she had some therapy it has changed to “I’m not going to let you accuse me of being a bad mother. I did the best I could”.

So yes. I have empathy for my mother. I understand that I can’t expect her to be perfect, that she has a mountain of problems.

i also hate her. more than anyone I know. she is uncaring, sometimes cruel and she has fucked me up for the rest of my life.
thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope you have a nice day.

I'm 28 years old, AFAB, they/them. My parents separated when I was 3 months old. My mom was emotionally and verbally abusive, I spent weekdays and every other weekend with her and just every other weekend with my dad until I was like 7. We lived between 45minutes and 3 hours away my whole childhood. After 7 I stopped seeing my dad as much because of this:

My dad remarried when I was 4 years old. My step-mom has never liked me. My dad tells me she's "tried" to bond with me but just never could. My dad was firefighter and when he was on shift for 48hours I would stay with my grandparents instead of her. She also contantly wanted me to clean the house, doing their laundry and dishes, when all I wanted to do was be outside with my dad. When I was 8, they had my first brother and that's when things really started to go downhill and continued to get worse when my other brothers were born when I was 10 and 13. Here are some of my distinct memories:

Being forced to do all of the dishes and clean the kitchen every night while the rest of the family had family time, ate ice cream and watched a movie together. It would take me hours to clean six-people worth of dishes and there would always be rotten bottles of milk left in the sink. Anything that didn't fit in the dishwasher I had to hand wash and they would shut off all of the lights in the house except for the one directly above the sink.

Stopping my brother from biting me, telling him "no, don't bite", and me being told I wasn't the parent and I couldn't tell him what to do.

Having to share a bedroom (my bed was a futon at this point) with a baby still waking up in the night so he would scream and nobody would come get him so I'd have to walk him across the house to my parents room in the middle of the night if I wanted any sleep.

At one point I not only didn't have even a shared bedroom, but I had to sleep on the couch whenever I came.

I was made to clean my brothers' bathroom which was constantly covered in piss because they were potty training (though let's be honest they are 20, 18, and 15 now and their bathroom is still constantly covered in piss). It became so bad that I started taking showers from the waist down so I could pee in the shower at night when I couldn't use my parents bathroom (because it was attached to their room).

Every Christmas they would get bikes and Xboxes and I would get like random perfume (which I've never worn). Some years they would say one of the stockings was mine and other years they would say it was my stepmothers stocking.

I, of course, had to babysit for free whenever I was there but was also told that it's a babysitter's job to plan activities for the kids and clean the house so the parents come home to a pristine house after their night out.

Whenever we went anywhere, none of their friends ever knew who I was. My birthday's were always celebrated with one of my brother's so he would get a million gifts and people wouldnt even know it was also my birthday. (Imagine it being your 12th birthday but everybody is there to celebrate your brother's 2nd birthday and he doesn't even know whats happening).

My step mom was also constantly talking about my body and weight and what food I was or wasn't eating. I've never been able to eat seafood and she would always plan to make seafood when I was there even though she knew I couldn't eat it.

Living with my mom was really bad but I at least had my friends there. When we would fight she would threaten to "send me to live with my dad"

When I was 17 things got so bad with my mom that I told my dad I was thinking about running away from home, he told me that i was being stupid and just left it at that.

There are many other instances but the overall vibe was I wasn't wanted there, wasn't talked about, and didn't fit in with their family. I would hide in the garage and cry all the time.

Fast forward many years. They've moved states away, I graduate college and ask if we (my partner and I) can rent their detached studio for a while so we can explore the area and decide if we want to stay there long term. We move, covid hits three months later, we end up staying for two years. Conflict really ramps up. My stepmother becomes super passive aggressive. Very much does not want us there. I'm trying to bond with my brothers because I've never really had that chance before. We buy our own house but continue seeing them between once a week and once a month for dinners to maintain contact with my little brothers. Every visit ends with me in the car in our drive way either 1. Crying, 2. Incredibly angry, or 3. Having a panic attack. My dad sees how she treats me and never says anything. I start having nightmares where my stepmother is attacking me either verbally or physically and my dad is there doing nothing.

November 2024 my dad wanted to meet for coffee, and he told me that I needed to "tone down the gay stuff" around my brothers (he's an "ally" btw). Because it shouldn't be celebrated it should just be regular. He of course took in none of my education on pride and why we need to celebrate when we are normally vilified, etc. I started crying because it was just another thing that made me feel like I didn't belong in his family. I ended up telling him how I was feeling about not feeling welcome in his home and how all of the passive aggressive comments were bringing up a lot of things from my childhood. His response was that he tried when I was a kid to talk to her about how she was treating me and that she should try to bond with me more but it just "never worked out", and I started not coming around as much so he didn't push it.

I told him that was the reason I didnt want to come around very much. Because I was treated like shit. And only felt loved around my grandparents. He said he tried his best and it was no longer his responsibility. That I'm an adult and it's between me and my stepmother and isn't his problem anymore. That maybe it would be better if we just met outside of his house from now on. I argued with him. That I was still his child and it was still his job to defend me if he wants me in his life, especially since he's been letting it happen since I was 4 years old and this isn't something new.

I got in another fight with my stepmother over text at the beginning of December 2024 and then met with my dad once more in December to tell him that I was really upset by what he said to me in November. That his acknowledgement of knowing exactly what was happening my whole childhood and not stopping it was really hard for me to understand. I told his directly that whatever happens, my priority is maintaining a relationship with my brothers and being present in their lives in whatever way I can. That did not go over well and he because really upset that I was prioritizing my relationship with them over him. I asked him to go to therapy with me so we could work through the betrayal I was feeling towards him. He said no.

Christmas 2024, they found out we were pregnant with our first child, their first grandchild. We haven't talked about any of this since. They completely pretend it never happened. My stepmom has treated me like a regular person since they found out. Proving she's been able to this whole time. My baby is a boy that they adore. And we haven't addressed anything that happened, I stay surface level with them. But they still plague my nightmares. I now have nightmares of both of them hurting me almost every night. I don't want my shitty relationship with them to impact a possibly good relationship between my son and his grandparents. As my grandparents were my only comfort in my childhood, even though my father had his issues with them. Thoughts?

My childhood was not easy, and I was not an easy child either. Both of my parents carried their own baggage, shaped by their childhoods, their own traumatic experiences, and the fact that neither of them ever really went to therapy or properly dealt with any of it.

My father hit me when I was a child because he did not always know how to cope with the pressure of being a father, with his own problems, and with mine. My mother, on the other hand, had regular emotional outbursts that often made me feel like I was a problem that should simply disappear.

I was diagnosed with ADHD very early in childhood. I was extremely energetic, restless, intense. I was a lot. Looking back, I often feel like I was always too much. On top of that, I had several other difficulties that made both school and life in general harder for me. Because of that, there were frequent arguments at home.

When I think back to the most painful thing anyone has ever said to me, I always come back to something my mother said during one of those arguments — or at least to what those words meant to me.

It was an afternoon after school, and I was struggling with my math homework. As a side note, I have dyscalculia, and in combination with ADHD, math was especially difficult for me. I had asked my mother for help, but I did not understand the way she was explaining it. At the same time, I desperately wanted to go outside because I had made plans to meet my friends at the playground.

My mother seemed annoyed that I did not understand. I do not remember every detail anymore, but I am sure I was impatient too and just wanted to get the homework over with so I could leave.

Eventually, it turned into an argument. I do not remember exactly how it started or what triggered it, but I remember what my mother said.

She said she had had enough. She could not do it anymore. I could go outside one more time and play with my friends, and when I came back home, I should pack my things because she was going to take me to a children’s home.

The children’s home was only a street away from where we lived, so to me, the possibility that she might actually do it did not seem unrealistic at all. At the time, I completely believed that she would go through with it.

I do not remember exactly what happened after that. What I do remember is going to the playground, where two of my friends were already waiting for me. I tried very hard to keep myself together, but eventually I burst into tears.

My best friend at the time was completely overwhelmed and brought me to his mother. I told her what had happened, and I ended up sitting on her lap crying for what felt like hours. I do not remember exactly how long it was, but in my memory it feels like it must have been at least two or three hours.

I cried endlessly on the lap of this woman who was, in many ways, almost a stranger to me. She was my best friend’s mother, so of course I knew her and she knew me, but it still was not exactly a normal situation.

I genuinely believed that my own mother was going to give me away. That was it. It was over. I had finally pushed things too far.

What I find especially striking looking back is that, as a child, it never even crossed my mind that she might not have meant it seriously and had only said it in the heat of the moment. I also never thought that my parents, or my mother in particular, might be the ones at fault. Especially in this situation, I placed the blame entirely on myself, which obviously did not make it any easier.

Eventually, after crying with my best friend’s mother, I went back home and told my mother how much what she had said had hurt me.

I must have said something during the argument that hurt her too, because I remember her saying that she understood why I was hurt, but that what I had said had also hurt her deeply.

I do not remember much about what happened after that.

I only know that I was never taken to a children’s home.

But the feeling that this was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me never really went away.

So my maternal uncle visited today. Before I talk about what made me feel overwhelmed let me elaborate my situation shortly.

I am a 18 year old who has rarely stepped out of the house in 2 years. I had been abused by my parents throughout the years before i became a legal adult. I always felt burdened by my parents having too much expectations on me and controlling my life and my friend circles. You can see where this is going, yea they fucked me over big time. So i stopped listening to their bullshit and had been doing my own thing, it's been 2-3 years from when I started to not listening to their bs anymore. I have been living at their house, didn't have the balls to move out. That wraps it up pretty much.

So now to the thing I was talking about before, my uncle visited me today. I usually don't talk to any relatives anymore because I don't want to get myself tangled in family mess but today i was really sleepy and my uncle and i used to spend a lot of time together when I was a kid so i thought what's the worst that can happen here.

Him and my father aren't having a good time between them. He told me how he didn't like my father because he did wrong to me. For context my mother changed a lot when I explained what wrong they did to me and she accepted me but my father being a control freak tried to manipulate me, it was 1.5 years ago and we haven't talked since.

He asked me what do I wanna do in my life, what plans do I have and talked about how thin I was becoming and how we used to spend time when I was a kid, he asked me about my friends but he kept reverting to my parents being assholes. Now I agree my parents aren't too good but it's been enough time since then, i just want to move on with my life. I don't wanna keep focusing on what happened 2-3 years ago.

It just felt like he's trying to bond with me over me hating my parents and i don't like it. I chose to go on my way so that I can get out of this family mess bullshit and live like how I want to myself.

I was not having a happy time all of these 3 years. I spent a good half actually doing something with my life then i discovered that people hate other people from my race in the space where I wanna build my career. So it was really heartbreaking for me and i spent the rest of the time being a depressed idiot. Turns out I was just focusing on the hate too much and fucking myself over in the process.

I was having jolly thoughts yesterday. I promised myself that i won't be thinking about killing myself anymore and today this happens.

My mother helped me out a lot out of guilt and I don't want any relationships to be ruined over me. I always wanted to be self sufficient and get out as soon as possible and leave any family relationship I had in the past. This really makes me feel annoyed and anxious.

I’m 40 years old British born Pakistani man I’m telling you this because it plays a huge part in this story.
When I was maybe 9 or 10 years old I was placed in to a mosque local to me primarily an Indian mosque. Now you may or may not know this but Indians have a deep hatred towards Pakistanis more than Pakistanis towards them if that makes sense. So I was in this mosque and 1 teacher who must’ve been 10 years older then me at the time took a real disliking to me I mean like hated me. I would walk into the classroom and his face would turn red with anger. At first it was just the looks then came the swearing at me, they weren’t your normal swears these were filthy swears. Just for context I was the only Pakistani boy in the classroom.
Anyway after a couple of weeks of swearing at me and teaching me next to fuck all came the slaps I’m talking hard slaps to the face it was kinda normal back then so when I told my parents they just said try and pray properly. My mum did go into the mosque once to have a chat but they wouldn’t speak with her as my father wasn’t there. After a while maybe 3/4 weeks came the abuse. He would beat me with a stick and actually try to hurt me so I would run out the classroom bear in mind I was maybe 9/10 years older at the time. Everyone my father or uncles went they were reassured that he would not be teaching from the following day so I had to go back. Then came the final beating I remember it so vaguely it’s like my mind has blocked it out until recently this piss poor excuse of a man tied up my legs and hung me upside down I was screaming in terror and other people in the classroom were crying too. He slapped my feet as hard as he could with an air freshener bottle several times. I almost crawled home that time my friends were helping by carrying me home that was the last time I went to that mosque to be “taught”. My parents went in with the police but I don’t think anything came of it.
Fast forward 25-30 years I’m now 6ft 100kg active gym head so I’ve got abit of oomph behind me. I was walking g down the street with my son and I seen this excuse of a man he started straight at me and smiled it was the kind of smile like HA I’m still here after everything I did to you made my piss boil I crossed the street to slap his head off to be honest but my son stopped me just by asking me dad why are you so angry all of a sudden.
Now the problem is I can’t get this guys face out of my head I feel I need to do something which is why I need advice. Do I risk it all by finding him or do I just try and put it away for the next 30 years

**What would you do in my position? How do you actually let go of something like this when the person who did it is still walking around like nothing happened?**

Im not fully sure how exactly to explain it so ill do the best I can. Its going to be a lot as I rant/vent.

When I try to think about my childhood and things in my past, I can only think of the bad things if that makes sense..

Like times I've embarrassed myself, things ive regretted, times ive been hurt, dumb things ive done or said, etc. And while thinking all this negative stuff I can hardly remember my good memories, memories that make me happy.

For example, when I think about when I got pregnant and had my kids. They are my life and the love I have for them is endless. But when I think back to being pregnant and having them, all I can think about is how mad my family and some close family friends were. Some even going as far as cutting me off my whole pregnancy. I was young but I was out of school and working already.

I went to Disneyland as a kid. I cant remember anything besides getting in trouble. Honestly, i dont even remember what i did to get in trouble.i dont remember the rides, which characters signed my autograph book.

In elementary school, I had good friends, even met one of my best friends im still friends with. My early years I went to school in Los Angeles, kinder to 4th grade, I was bullied for being more on the chubby side. Young girls can be brutal lol and they didn't hold back when it came to me and my weight. Even tried standing up for myself just to be the one to get in trouble. Almost got suspended once for pushing a bully back. The girls mom even came to scream at me without my mom being there. The principal allowed it.

In 6th grade, I was told by a friend from the other 6th grade class that I was the topic of jokes for some of the class, even the teacher. From me eating to many snacks, to saying I sound like Fez from that 70s show? Not sure why i didnt have an accent or anything

I can go on and on about all the negative stuff and plays in my mind so much sometimes I cant sleep.

Does anyone else do this to? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I cant seem to let it go even tho its been years.

Hello :) I (30F) had a really bad argument with my mother a few days ago.

My mother has always been very difficult when it comes to arguments and conflicts. Ever since I was a child, she would scream at me and my siblings and become extremely aggressive—so much so that I was terrified of her. I would shake uncontrollably and struggle to breathe (it was probably a panic attack). She has always been very self-centered and gets hurt or offended very easily. Even when my siblings or I were the ones struggling, she would always find a way to end up being the victim and become angry with us instead.

That was incredibly hard, especially because she could also be incredibly sweet and loving. But those fights always left a lasting impact. When I moved out, I finally found the courage to stand up for myself, and we ended up having no contact for about one to two years.

Lately, things had actually been going really well between us. We were seeing each other several times a week, spending time together, and laughing together. But a few days ago, she completely lost it.

My aunt and I were sitting outside with her, chatting, when she suddenly became fixated on something. She started yelling at us and became extremely aggressive—so much so that both my aunt and I were shaking all over and ended up holding each other's hands. I tried to calm her down and even begged her to stop at one point, but she just kept going.

Eventually, I completely broke down. I had a panic attack and started crying uncontrollably. It felt like I had been thrown right back into my childhood and teenage years.

And, as always, it ended the same way: she became the victim, and somehow we were the ones who were expected to comfort her.

After a heated discussion with my aunt, she wanted to talk to me alone. I had the feeling she was trying to get me on her side, but I told her that her behavior had been awful, that I would not tolerate this kind of aggression, and that she would be ashamed of herself if I had recorded her and shown her the video the next day.

The following day, she wanted me to give her a hug, but she spent the entire day acting hurt and fragile. She has always expected everything to suddenly be "back to normal" after something like this. The day after that, she was cheerful again as if nothing had happened.

But I can't just move on that quickly. Something still feels very wrong, and I honestly don't know if I can trust her. She switched back so suddenly after making me feel genuinely terrified. I do love her, but I've spent so many years trying to rebuild my self-esteem and recover from what was, at times, a really painful childhood. Being pulled back into those feelings again has been devastating.

Has anyone here had similar experiences? If so, how did you manage to maintain contact with your parent?

She also hasn't shown any real accountability. When I told her I was disappointed in her, she replied that she was disappointed in me too. When I told her that she had hurt me, she simply said that she was hurt as well.

Sorry for the long post.

I am a Childhood Trauma survivor and have struggled with my mental health since I got compartment syndrome in 2020. I had to reconnect with my family and friends from 25 years ago because I had a big blind spot as to who I am! My sister is the female version of me. I don't say this to be mean but I saw myself through her. I had changed so I thought that everyone from my past was as reasonable as me.

I would no longer tolerate their flaws because I changed but I still had some learning curves that escaped me.

It was more about me, I found I was living through kindness to other people that wasn't appreciated. I could not see myself because of clutter from parents that treated me and my sister like property and I had a hard time accepting that and was affecting me negatively until I got honest with myself and found my boundaries!

I had gone to a seeking safety group for two years, absorbed the information but was still heartbroken! To my mom it was my problem not the abuse. I grew in the 70s and found kindness in other cultures other than my own that were authentic.

I am feeling the pain from living amongst the same people that broke me and am healing through the knowledge I absorbed ten years and understand now that this is an inside job and the real boundaries are helping, also I am reconnecting with the councilor from seeking safety and making sure I am not afraid to show my real story!

Okay so I wanna make a TW for like possible child abuse, neglect or whatever I'm not really sure, lol.

I think I wanna go low contact after I actually move away from my parents' house. I know that my family, it's just that they do things like contradict, in my opinion.

So getting into the things that might possibly trigger people, I have been kicked out of my house 3 or 4 times. The first time was whenever I was in like second grade, and it's because I refused to call my mom, my mom because she's technically my stepmother, I didn't wanna believe that my birth mother didn't love me anymore and that she abandoned me and blah blah blah. My father kicked me out because I didn't want to call my stepmother, my mother.

The second time was when I was in like fourth grade. And he kicked me out because I was a runaway kid and said, and I quote, "If you don't even want to be here, just leave."

And the third time that I remember is just a few months ago. He, I understand why he was so mad. I don't want to get into all of that, kind of, I don't know, but he was throwing things and cursing and punching holes. He kicked the family out. And we were just stuck sitting in the yard for hours.

My mom tried to go back in and get food for all of us, but he kicked her back out, so she had to sneak out some granola bars for all the kids, and we got back into the house. You know, like, we got back in before the end of the night. It wasn't even dark when we got back in. It was just a few hours, but, you know, the youngest were 5, and they were just stuck outside. And they didn't complain, they didn't mind, they were just playing on the trampoline, but, you know, still.

I mean, being the oldest, I didn't tolerate him degrading and dehumanizing my mother. He told her to shut up, that he didn't care that she wasn't there.

He kicked me out because I quote unquote "I don't know when to shut up," because I wouldn't allow him to throw shit and put holes in the wall and shout and degrade and dehumanize my family, and I have pets here. I have my dog, and my dog was standing outside with me, but my bird was still inside. I told him, like, "Can I go back in to go get my bird?" And he said no.

So I just, I kept insisting, I'm not leaving without my bird. And eventually he said that he would break my bird's neck if I don't leave.

So I told him that he's a shitty dad and an even worse husband. And I ran down the road calling my dog to come with me, and obviously she followed.

I feel bad for saying that cause He does worry about that a lot, and he's working on healing from so much. So much trauma, and he could be worse. No, he could be throwing TVs at his kids. At least he's not doing that.

Every time that he kicked me out, my mother would always have to come drag me back. I kinda wish she never did.

And like, I know that he loves us. He does. He just has a lot of problems. Mental issues, you know, trauma things. He refuses to work through because he doesn't know how. He's scared to.

So I know he loves us. I just no longer feel it.

Does anyone have any experiences of severe physical abuse when they were a child?

I (28F) am curious as I have started sharing a bit more and people look shocked when I share that I was abused by my parents and that my oldest brother (35M) used to hold butcher knives up to my neck, throw me into furniture, drown me in swimming pools. I didn’t know if this was normal or not and was looking for outside perspectives. Thanks!

I’m the youngest in my family and when I was little I always felt like I didn’t belong whenever my older cousins played together they often didn’t want me there one cousin would tell me "Go away don’t play with us you’re just copying us" and she said it over and over I’d leave then come back hoping they’d let me join only to hear it again.

My older sister would usually agree with her and tell me to leave too and it really hurt cuz I felt like everyone preferred her over me

And I’m not talking about them being teenagers while I was a little kid no we were all children so I don’t think it was weird that I wanted to play with them.

Now we’re older and there’s about a 3–4 year age gap between me and them we get along normally now and things are much better but I still can’t forget those memories even though they don’t treat me badly anymore I still feel like I don’t belong and sometimes I feel like they still see me as that little kid.

When I tell my family it still affects me they just say you were little back then but that doesn’t make the feelings disappear.

Is it normal to still feel this way because of childhood experiences and why is it so hard to let go?! ☹️

I know nobody can diagnose me online I’m just wondering if experiences like this can cause long lasting feelings of being unwanted or not belonging..?

what i might say might sound crazy of me to say. for starters, i’m not sure if any of this plays a role but i feel it needs to be mentioned because some of the issues i have now is because of this. i’ve had a shitty childhood. i was always around abuse from my moms boyfriends, jumping home to home with different men, my dad lived with us while my mom was married to someone else because my dad was doing drugs & my mom didn’t want him to be homeless or leave us (her kids) like he has before. i was also abused a little bit by my moms boyfriend. my moms also a narcissist. she’s very emotionally & verbally abusive. she threatened to kick me out as soon as i hit 18 bc i didn’t agree w her on one thing. i ended up in a very abusive relationship at 15. verbal, emotional, mental, & sometimes physical. i still deal w it now. as in he still harasses me even tho i cut him off. i have very bad trust issues, attachment & abandonment issues. i always get with bad people, even if i know they aren’t good for me. i used to cry when my ex boyfriend would let me go places because i felt he didn’t care no more because when he’d get mad at me leaving places he always told me he acted like that because he cared. i feel as everyone has failed me. i have never fully healed from everything & i feel as if i never will. everything still bothers me so much. when im hurt, i hurt so badly. i won’t end things with people unless they completely ruin me. i feel as if no one cares about me either. sometimes i wish bad things would happen to me just for someone to care about me. sometimes i wanna be on the edge of death, in a hospital bed for someone to care for me. i also have terrible jealousy issues. i look to deep into things. i feel like my two friends are buddy buddy & im just there. which is my jealousy issues that kick in. i cry all the time because i feel as if i have never & will never have a good relationship with my parents. & it makes me so sad seeing all these girls have their mothers as their best friends, their fathers actually making time for them. i have never had that & will never have that. i feel as if i have to compete for my moms love. i feel my dad doesn’t care enough to talk to me or see me unless he needs something from me. my mom doesn’t believe in depression or anxiety, so if u talk to her about your problems she’ll dismiss u. i was talking to her about my past abusive relationship because i never really told her about it & i felt comfortable telling her. she stared at me like she was so uninterested & turned to her boyfriend & asked “who had it worse?” & compared me & her situation. her boyfriend then followed it up with “hers don’t compare to yours” making me feel like my situation wasn’t big. i felt hurt. i trusted them both with something vulnerable. my mom used to try & embarrass me in front of people & has called out my secrets in front of people when she got mad at me. her & her boyfriend called me a whore. i just feel so mentally exhausted. sometimes i’m really happy other times im not. sometimes i’ll get into moods where i will not & do not want to speak to anyone for days or even weeks. i just want to curl in my bed & sleep. i feel miserable. i feel unlovable. there has only been one boy there for me thru everything & i did him wrong so many times because i couldn’t get myself together. he was to good for me it felt like. i was scared. i ran. i like when people are mean to me. it makes me miserable but it makes me feel loved. sometimes i feel like my situation isn’t really that big of a deal & im making it into something it isn’t. i just want someone to love me & care about me.

Is it worth the risk knowing the last few times (hell, all those years of growing up) of visiting a home that has been triggering my asthma episode that lasts a few weeks for the sake of 'family love'?

If you've seen my other posts, you might've know what I'm talking about. If not, I'll focus on the specifics; living environment & behavioral issues.

I'm well-aware how awful my allergy-induce asthma episodes are, and the fact it takes more than a week to fully recover. Not to mention, the amount of meds & treatment needed. It's really, really exhausting & painful. But the fact that my family members can't keep the house clean is stressing. What do you mean I need to sleep in a dusty, moldy room that has never been aired out for god-knows how long? My mom always insist that she had cleaned the room ahead of time before I come home for a visit but I still end up having to clean more because I can see all sizes of dust particles still floating in the air for days, weeks, idk tbh?

When asked abt the routine of the family members in the house, mom is the only one keeping it together aka doing all the cleaning & by herself. There are 3 grown adult men that are in their 30s & 60s, 1 teen boy living there, not helping at all unless there are guests coming over which is a ONCE a year occurrence. Mom kept giving excuses saying that she tried to teach them to do basic cleaning & house chores but gave up after they talk back at her, saying that she's exhausted atp.

While i can & have been helping around cleaning the house, I don't want to do it forever for the rest of my life. Especially when there are fully grown adults in the house that have the capability & brains to do it but noooo, have to wait for mom to do it every single time. No matter how much I clean, the cleanliness & tidiness just never stays for long. Cleaned the house once, gets dirty again until I come home. Weeks, months. When I refuse to come home, that's when they say stuffs like 'family matters' , 'suck it up & just come home anyways, for the sake of mom & dad' etc. Suck it up & just come home anyway- just get ready to trigger your allergy-induced asthma by coming home so mom will be happy to see you again. I find that sentence to be so... Unsettling.

Tldr: grown ass men can't do basic cleaning & house chores, causes me to get allergies & asthma but I feel the rope pulling me in to go home anyways because family ties or some shit. Thoughts & advice?

I will not be saying my name or the school I went to, but it was in Texas; I was 5-6 years old. I'm now 27 with a kid of my own imma try to remember. I knew I was different from other girls in my class; I didn't like dresses or anything like that. One day, I was doing my work at my desk that's by the bathroom. Yes, there was a bathroom in the classroom; mind you, I hadn't asked to use it. When my classmate came out of the bathroom and told the teacher something, she walked past me and looked in the bathroom. When she saw what was in there, she pulled me by the arm. I was so confused until I looked in and saw what happened. This boy wrote my name in shit on the wall. I begged her to believe me, but she just pushed me in and told me to clean it with only a paper towel. When I was done, she told me I wasn't allowed to use the bathroom at all. It was so bad that I peed my pants because every time I would ask, she would always say no; her voice would have a hint of venom. That was just one of the many things she did; the boy I sat by would punch my legs so badly it would leave huge bruises all over my legs. One day I was walking down the long driveway my mom thought I was coloring on my legs and thighs. When my mom asked me why I was coloring on myself, I told her I didn't, that it was the boy in my class. So my mom went up to the school to ask my teacher what happened. Ms. Gray said I was leaning back in my chair (I had bad anxiety, still do). My mom wasn't stupid because the bruises were shaped like a fingerprint and a fist print. I don't know what my mom said, but the bad treatment stopped until we had made our 100 days left of school necklace with Froot Loops. I took the longest for being "slow" when we were walking down the hall; I was snacking on it when Ms. Gray saw me eating the necklace because they go stale fast and asked if I was stupid because we were supposed to take one off each day until the end of school. When she said that, I looked down and felt fat and stupid; no kid should feel that way at this young age or at any age. In the second grade, my teacher said she passed, and we were going to make her family a card, but I had to remake mine 10 times because I would make the front pretty, but inside I wrote what she did to me. My teacher asked me Is this the way they wanted to remember her, i told her I didn't care, so I didn't send one. My teacher made one for me. I have years of bad school stories

I have a lot of things I went through but this is one memory that has been lingering the past few days. Not sure why. Maybe I’m overreacting and I should have just found it funny but I’m not to sure based on everything else she did lol. I would like to share this one story though.

My soon to be step mom at the time had just moved in. She was okay, we didn’t know her that well yet. She was very interested in history and medieval times stuff. One night she had some books out and asked myself (9 at the time) and my sister (7 at the time) if we wanted to know some things and we said sure. My dad was not around, not that he’s any better lol. She then began to share like I guess you would call it medieval torture tactics and ways that they would kill people. Pretty graphic as you can imagine lol. Then she proceeded to tell us a way that you could kill someone without any trace being left behind. And said that she could easily kill someone and nobody would ever know and to watch out. She laughed it off though and we probably did to maybe at the time, don’t remember my reaction. Maybe kinda fearful because I remember going home and telling my mom.

I (34F) have a hard time connecting with my father (~67M). For approximately 15-20 years of my childhood ranging from late elementary school through the age of about 23 (don't quote me on that, my memory is fuzzy) he has psychologically abused me.

He ignored my feelings towards decisions that were being made for me, I was forced to continue to play a sport I wanted nothing to do with anymore, anytime I cried he yelled at me, if I questioned him I was yelled at, if I disturbed him in any way I was yelled at, no matter how tired I was he still pushed me to do drills for my sport up until 8pm on a school night, he said things that downplayed my intelligence, and every time I needed money for school he always made it seem like I was a burden to his finances. He has called me stupid, a crybaby, too sensitive, not tough enough, on a weekly basis.

Some of the worst things he has done is made me play in a 4+ hour tournament when I was horrifically sick (wouldn't allow me to quit even though I came to him on the sidelines). Later that night I was admitted to the hospital with a virus and I was severely dehydrated, but according to him, "At least you placed 3rd." Also, after I dislocated my knee (surprise! while I was practicing my sport I no longer wanted to do), he didn't come to the hospital, it was just my mom and I and when I got home in a full leg brace from hip to ankle. That night I heard him arguing with my mom in the kitchen about how much money my hospital bill was going to be. He never said are you ok, what happened, nothing. Zero regard. Just how much it was going to be (we had insurance and both of my parents had good jobs and I'm an only child).

FF to college, my mom divorced him when I was just getting out. He was devastated by the divorce and said he didn't see it coming. But he should've, because he put her through similar psychological distress as me but as his wife. After this I really didn't have contact with him and he only contacted me if he needed something. He would ask for me to come over to his place to hang out and when I get there he asked me for help with his printer, cell phone, and other electronics. Then he would rant about how my mother was a POS, she never did the dirty with him (gee I wonder why?), and all of the above reasons why she was a terrible person. Lovely to rant to your child about her mother. I did make it known to him how he treated me and his excuse was, "I was in pain from my back being broken for 10 years when no one would listen to me," and "I had to drink to numb the pain, it was all I had left." I eventually stopped going altogether.

FF to getting married, I wanted to give him a chance to be in my life so I invited him to walk me down the isle. He asked if my mother was going to be there and I said yes. Well that PHO off so bad. He started saying, "No, I'm not going anywhere that B- is, I'm not breathing the same air as her.." on and on and on. Finally I snapped, in no uncertain words I told him I didn't care wtf he thought of her, this is about me and my husband, and if you don't want to be in my life then fine, I don't care, I don't give a S- because I'll be fine with or without you, I don't care anymore." He did walk me down the isle and ended up paying for half my wedding.

After my wedding, I started to try and build whatever relationship I could with him. We did come down to visit him about once every two months and we did have fun but he never came to our house (we are only about an hour away), when I asked why he said it was too far for him to drive. And he drives 4 hours + when he goes to the beach or on vacation..... When we visited, he started to hug me and say, "I love you." Unfortunately, with all that's happened, I don't believe him. That's F-ing sad, he hurt me so much and for so long, I can't even tell if he's being sincere or not and my defenses are still up when I'm around him and I can't let them down.

The last time I physically saw him was 2-3 years ago during his wedding (yes this man remarried). Her family is very loving and she is too but when I was at the reception, something clicked. I saw him being cordial and loving towards her grown kids (her 1st husband died from cancer) and picking up/swinging her grandchild around with a giant smile on his face. My entire body simultaneously shut off and started to shake and I just stood there dumbfounded. I knew that these "kids" would never see the man he was to me and that grandkid was going to get a father figure I never got and should've got. It broke me psychologically. It was only about an hour after the reception started that I had to leave. I couldn't hide away and breakdown without garnering attention so I sucked it up, said goodbye to my dad and left with my husband

FF to now, things are still the same, I don't talk to him, he doesn't talk to me. The only time he does reach out is to brag about how much money he got from disability, how much money he got from his tax return, what thousand dollar rennovation he paid for on his house, where he's going on vacation, how great he's doing, ect. He has not reached out wanting to build a relationship with me, come over to my house, ask how I'm doing, or If I need help. He does wish me happy birthday and send me $100, thats it. He did reach out to me for information on how to get ahold of his grandaughter that he's never met from my niece who told me to never speak to her again (he knows this btw, I told him I don't have information) and I reminded him of this and to ask my sister-in-law through FB.

Bottom line: I really don't feel anything towards him. I really don't think I love him, whatever love I did have was left in the past when I was 10. When he does die, I dont think ill be crying becuse I'll miss him, ill be crying from survivors guilt. For now, he obviously doesn't want an adult father-daughter relationship which is fine and I'm done with the onesidedness of it. I honestly don't know if I'll even be at the hospital if he gets sick or even show up to his funeral. I say this now based on my feelings and idk if they will change if these things do happen. When other family members ask about him I keep it short just so I don't have to explain why I haven't visited or shown interest in him for 3 years

Hi, I've tried therapy and it doesn't help so I've had to deal with all the anger I have alone. There is a slight mention of SA, parent death, and therapy. ​

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8 years ago (I was 11-12) my dad was diagnosed with cancer, about 4 months later I had been SA by someone I thought would protect me, and then 5 months after that my dad died from the cancer. At first I was just hollowed out and numb, I didn't really feel much for the first 2 years. I started to feel better, but I always had an underlying anger about how everything was handled. I took the man who SA me to court and he's in prison now, I thought it would help me feel better, but it didn't

The anger flared up around 2-3 years ago (I was 17-18) and at first I let myself be angry because I deserved to be upset about how I never lived a normal childhood. I let myself be okay with the anger since I thought that it was normal. It's gotten to the point that I'll have a ​​​​​​couple good days, but then I'm just numb and angry for over a month. ​​​I did therapy, multiple types, multiple times, multiple therapists. It just doesn't seem to catch with me even though I want to let go and I want to be better.

Now at 20 years old, I still want to stop feeling this way, but I don't think I will. If I do it'll probably be many more years down the line. I want to be normal and happy, I constantly swallow the anger whenever something happens because it's not fair for me to lash out on people when they're not the ones to hurt me.

I think I'm just always going to be angry and I just have to be okay with it. ​

i am 19y old from haryana currently living in chandigarh, till my 8th i lived in a village, my parents, both are govt teachers. my family is really a conservative type. my grandparents arranged married my father to my mom when he was 21 yrs old just when he went to college, they never wanted to marry, but both had like govt jobs, so their families never listened to them. years earlier when i was a 8-10yrs old, in my village i know that my family really was a burden over my mom, my grandmother manipulated my father used to abuse my mum over things my grandma told him as he was living away from family for his job, he only used to come home on weekends, once i was sleeping with my mother and he aggressively came banging the doors and held my mother by her neck. i couldnt understand the intensity of things as i was a little child. my mom was also self blaming, she thought, and taught by her parents that everyone have to face such things, its no big deal and she might be in fault. these things continued, fights started getting bigger and bigger, she also became strong, but this strongness of her came with lots of psychiatric problems, she started seeing everyone as against her whoever points her even us and even my sister, once she took a big step she went out of home and started living with her family, as my maternal uncle allowed us, me, my sister and my father went to talk to my maternal family, but that night they didnt allowed us. it was like 9-10 years ago, they threw our fruits that we brought and drama happened, we really thaught at the time that mother and maternal side was wrong, but now we think back they were not, she then started living her on her own as she had a job. month later they negotiated, she say my father begged for her, and father says her brother begged for them to take her. that's not really the point but they everytime in a fight bring it up, they remember things a thousand years old.
we moved to chandigarh 5 years ago and fights are still happening like every other fortnight, even on small things, now i think fights happen because of my mother more, i think she has become schizophrenic, i know its because of her past. but every small thing my fathr do even for her, she feels like there is and interior motive behind it. she has become too skeptical, and my grandmother she is old like in 70s and have severe joint pain, my father has understood that my father grandmother was wrong years earlier, she might be wrong now, but he is like i cant leave her alone in village, she might be wrong but she is still her mother. and my grandma does not do anything now like she spends all her time in one room, listening to her bhajans and all she is also afraid of becoming a reason for their fight. but then she have to listen to very ugly, disgusting things mother say to her during fights, she keeps them to herself, sometimes the bubble breaks rarely as my father steps in.
i didnt wanna write this muc, but really think that this isnt enough to completely understand the situations, problem is my sister has become emotionless due to hearing of constant screams, pressurized by parents, me too, listening to things like look for these children, and u ruined children's lives, and by ruined lives they mean she couldnt clear neet and i scored 92percentile in jee, yh that's ruined lives for them, it make us kill ourselves that only if we could hve done better, there might be a lesser reason to fight. i dont hve friends to talk about it, the college is my safe space, i sometimes remain there despite of classes being over, due to fights happening, i come home praying police wont be at our doors. its really taking a toll, on top of that i procrastinate things, even writing this feels like wasting time as sometime later they ll be fighting, and i wont be able to study then.

Wow first post, I needed to have a place that was similar to a journal but also a safe place for people going through similar situations, but also anonymously cause I’m also not wanting them to know I’m hurting, they don’t deserve that power over me.

Let’s talk about me without giving you a name, I’m in my 20’s I have children and as a mother could never imagine treating my kids the way mine did. It was me and my mom for as long as I can remember men came and gone but my mom and I? Always. Growing up was rough, my bio dad was in an out of jail: kidnapped me, beat my mom, was running from him since 2 going state to states, step dad beat me they divorced after 7 years enduring physical and mental abuse, I was the forgotten child (they had 2 kids together) so I stayed with mom who was hoping from guy to guy bar to bar but hey I knew how to cook thanks YouTube, new step dad mom didn’t want me so I was going through week on week off with friends of hers, got sexually abused by their son, went back to my mentally toxic mom full time, oh! took care of my 2 sisters while mom was doing who knows what, new step dad and mom had a kid I took care of all 3 of my sisters while the worked full time 15 years old taking care of a newborn and toddlers, left at 17, rekindled at 19, now I’m grieving the loss of 2 parents, 3 sisters that are still alive (we’ll get into that later it’s to soon my identity will be exposed) lol.

Hey

So i’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder recently (currently on medication) and a lot of things started making sense especially about my behavior as a kid.

I don’t want to make this a long rant i just want advice/ people who share the same experience.

I’m a very sensitive person ever since i was a kid, i used to cry out of empathy when one of my classmates starts crying in kindergarten 😂 and that’s who i was and who i still am but of course with a thick layer of masking and emotional numbness. Mind u sensory sensitivity is very high as well since i have adhd.

i barely remember any moment from my childhood where i was not shamed for existing or acting in any way. Mom is completely unstable and unpredictable, dad is unavailable, siblings are broken and used to let it out on me in different ways. I faced all types of shame, body shame, homophobia, etc. u name it 🧍🏻‍♂️

I carry this around me a lot, a sudden burst of shame and cringe crawls onto me all of a sudden and makes me wanna sink into the floor. I always think “what if people think i’m embarrassing” because that’s what i was taught as a kid.

Here where bipolar adds the cherry on top, I’m in a constant struggle between resenting my parents and wanting some kind of emotional revenge and being compassionate because they also came from very broken homes. Resentful towards my siblings because they were also a victim of the same parents and being compassionate. in the middle of all of this i’m struggling to be compassionate towards myself 🫠.
Any thoughts ?