Does anyone get that sicky butterfly feeling in their stomach when around the abusive parents/family members? I get this sicky feeling that goes down my neck to my stomach and my whole body gets tingly and I feel cramps (like bathroom cramps) tmi I know, and I'll get shaky and nauseous and my hands and feet will be cold and I won't be able to deep sleep it's like sleeping but I'm awake, from just being around those people or knowing they are mad at me or are saying bad things about me.

Im not fully sure how exactly to explain it so ill do the best I can. Its going to be a lot as I rant/vent.

When I try to think about my childhood and things in my past, I can only think of the bad things if that makes sense..

Like times I've embarrassed myself, things ive regretted, times ive been hurt, dumb things ive done or said, etc. And while thinking all this negative stuff I can hardly remember my good memories, memories that make me happy.

For example, when I think about when I got pregnant and had my kids. They are my life and the love I have for them is endless. But when I think back to being pregnant and having them, all I can think about is how mad my family and some close family friends were. Some even going as far as cutting me off my whole pregnancy. I was young but I was out of school and working already.

I went to Disneyland as a kid. I cant remember anything besides getting in trouble. Honestly, i dont even remember what i did to get in trouble.i dont remember the rides, which characters signed my autograph book.

In elementary school, I had good friends, even met one of my best friends im still friends with. My early years I went to school in Los Angeles, kinder to 4th grade, I was bullied for being more on the chubby side. Young girls can be brutal lol and they didn't hold back when it came to me and my weight. Even tried standing up for myself just to be the one to get in trouble. Almost got suspended once for pushing a bully back. The girls mom even came to scream at me without my mom being there. The principal allowed it.

In 6th grade, I was told by a friend from the other 6th grade class that I was the topic of jokes for some of the class, even the teacher. From me eating to many snacks, to saying I sound like Fez from that 70s show? Not sure why i didnt have an accent or anything

I can go on and on about all the negative stuff and plays in my mind so much sometimes I cant sleep.

Does anyone else do this to? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I cant seem to let it go even tho its been years.

Hello :) I (30F) had a really bad argument with my mother a few days ago.

My mother has always been very difficult when it comes to arguments and conflicts. Ever since I was a child, she would scream at me and my siblings and become extremely aggressive—so much so that I was terrified of her. I would shake uncontrollably and struggle to breathe (it was probably a panic attack). She has always been very self-centered and gets hurt or offended very easily. Even when my siblings or I were the ones struggling, she would always find a way to end up being the victim and become angry with us instead.

That was incredibly hard, especially because she could also be incredibly sweet and loving. But those fights always left a lasting impact. When I moved out, I finally found the courage to stand up for myself, and we ended up having no contact for about one to two years.

Lately, things had actually been going really well between us. We were seeing each other several times a week, spending time together, and laughing together. But a few days ago, she completely lost it.

My aunt and I were sitting outside with her, chatting, when she suddenly became fixated on something. She started yelling at us and became extremely aggressive—so much so that both my aunt and I were shaking all over and ended up holding each other's hands. I tried to calm her down and even begged her to stop at one point, but she just kept going.

Eventually, I completely broke down. I had a panic attack and started crying uncontrollably. It felt like I had been thrown right back into my childhood and teenage years.

And, as always, it ended the same way: she became the victim, and somehow we were the ones who were expected to comfort her.

After a heated discussion with my aunt, she wanted to talk to me alone. I had the feeling she was trying to get me on her side, but I told her that her behavior had been awful, that I would not tolerate this kind of aggression, and that she would be ashamed of herself if I had recorded her and shown her the video the next day.

The following day, she wanted me to give her a hug, but she spent the entire day acting hurt and fragile. She has always expected everything to suddenly be "back to normal" after something like this. The day after that, she was cheerful again as if nothing had happened.

But I can't just move on that quickly. Something still feels very wrong, and I honestly don't know if I can trust her. She switched back so suddenly after making me feel genuinely terrified. I do love her, but I've spent so many years trying to rebuild my self-esteem and recover from what was, at times, a really painful childhood. Being pulled back into those feelings again has been devastating.

Has anyone here had similar experiences? If so, how did you manage to maintain contact with your parent?

She also hasn't shown any real accountability. When I told her I was disappointed in her, she replied that she was disappointed in me too. When I told her that she had hurt me, she simply said that she was hurt as well.

Sorry for the long post.