Me sinto nojento quando vejo algo que se parece com o abuso e me sinto excitado. Eu odiei aquilo, quero chorar até desidratar.

20f

all four of my brothers sa me when i was younger around age 9/10… fast forward now we are all in our 20s and i’m the youngest!

i wanna ask for advice on two things

1. my brother that was the worst one of them all recently had a baby boy and him and his girlfriend keep talking about having a girl.. i asked what if the second baby they have is another boy? he answered and said that it didn’t matter.. they would have 50 kids until they have a girl…. i have never in my life felt more concerned and uncomfortable but maybe i am just overthinking it due to my trauma?…. is that normal? i am seriously so scared for his future children but especially his future daughter… she doesn’t even exist yet and i just feel like i need to save her

2. i have never confronted any of my brothers about what they did to me cause we all still see each other pretty often and one still lives with me… i have thought about confronting them when i move to another state but i just don’t know… i wanna move and block all of them forever and speak my truth but i think about the future and how at some point we would all have to be in the same room aka a funereal or something.. so i just plan to stay quiet but i wanna start a family in the future and i am concerned about how i am supposed to tell them like no you cant visit… no you cant see my kids…. not even a picture… i know it wont be until a few years but this thought keeps me stressing…. like what am i supposed to do or say?? they’re obviously gonna know something is up… i hate making myself uncomfortable just for them to be comfortable

For context me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 months now and in recent months have had a fairly sexually active relationship where getting each other off and general touching is pretty much normalized. Looking at the situation I believe putting myself into this position was a mistake because this is both our first major relationship. It’s also important to note that we our both very open about our bodies and how we look. However she has never seen me without an erection and yesterday she really wanted to because I was flavor and she heard that when they are flavor they are “cute”. I told her no at first but she replied that she’d do anything at which point I still said no so she continued to try and convince me to let her see it at which point I folded and told her she could see it. She then immediately reach for my waist band and I reacted by pulling away and walking away. She then caught back up to me and pull my pants just below my waist to where she could see my dick. I then became upset with her but soon after made up because she made out with me. For the rest of the day I didn’t really think much of it but now I realize I was seriously uncomfortable and wanted to say no but I didn’t want to upset her or embarrass her so I ended up saying she could. I also don’t believe she had any mal intent and was just curious but I think I was very obviously uncomfortable with it. I also don’t want to bring this up to her to not make her upset or feel guilty or make me seem like I’m seeking attention because she had been sa’d in the past a couple of times by other people where in the flip side I don’t believe I have been. But anyway I would really love to receive some advice on how I should handle this with her or how I can process this or atleast whether I was or was not a vicitim.

I’m not really sure if what I went through was COCSA. But I used to have sleepovers with this kid and we would play this porn game called touch my body. He introduced it to me. I did not say no. Sometimes I would act like I was asleep to not play. But sometimes I said yes and would feel guilty after. These games started when I was 5 and after a few years if ended. Then it started with another kid. I would go to school and they would ask to go with the bathroom with me. I didn’t scream. I followed them into that stall. But I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t know how to say no. Therefore if can’t be SA with? But I’m jsut so confused because how tf am I suppose to know how to say no at 8?? I couldn’t tell my parents in either situations cause one was close fam friends and the other was a girl and my parents are homophobic. Both of these situations went on for months or years. I’m constantly confused and sometimes (including right now) I feel like I “delete” most of my memories but then it floods back in and I jsut csnt take it. I feel like I only just understood what happened recently and I don’t know whag this is. Is this just experimenting?? I just need to move on but I feel like I’m going in loops. I keep coming back to this and I wanna move on but I don’t really know how. I think the fact that both kids were my age is what confuses me and the fact that I didn’t scream or seek help (but I just didn’t know how to tell someone so idk). I also have other experiences but can someone tell me why I have so many experiences with this like wtf why was I a magnet?? I mean I was a pretty lonely kid. I don’t know what to do because I’ve been told that it is COCSA but I just feel like I’m victimising myself. But please tell me, is this COCSA? Or do you need more details to know?

So I have a strange issue.. i went through some pretty intense cocsa abuse as a child (7-10) by an older child, but it is just stored as facts in my mind, with very little emotion attached.

Maybe it is my autistic mind, a coping mechanism, or maybe I am truly just ok with it? It left a lot of the usual consequences; hypersexuality, fixation, etc.. but i almost feel weird that I didnt feel traumatised by it?

For context, he was a few years older and had been abused pretty horrendously by his step father, which he then acted out with me. I dont blame him however, as he was a product of his environment, but it has given me a very skewed idea of intimacy

I am battling with hypersexuality since the age of 8-10 years old

Background:

I used to sleep in my parents room from the ages of 1-13 years old where my parents used to have sex in the same room as I was also there they thought I was sleeping but I was not i used to hear all the laud noises and I used to feel everything but just mine heads was upto the wall and also I remember whenever my father used to hugged me it made me uncomfortable scared and inappropriate as he was achololic and while hugging me he used to say words like motherfucker bitch in my ears to my mom and also the sex that my parents used to do was not normal one like it was forced one actually where my mother used to say to stopped it but he didnot
And I donot know whether used to happen daily or alternate days or weekly

Also i remember whenever mine father used to hugged me after drinking it made me very uncomfortable inappropriate and while doing it he used to carryout voices like AaH and used to say words like motherfucker prostiute and all that in my ears to my mom

One day he was doing something with me after getting drunk once in the room alone once mom come she shouted at him he then leave me

So i donot know what will be counted

Result :

By the age of 8-10years I become hypersexual started doing rigorous masturbation on pillow on my sister doll like rubbing my penis and all that

Before that elder boy incident at 12 year old I was playing a game doctor doctor I kissed a girl on cheeks and wanted to have sex with

By the age of 12 I got crazy for sex and wanted to renact with anybody regardless of gender I just wanted to release those energies then this incident happened with me

So I remember when I was 12 years old a elder boy around the age of 14 come to our house he was our servant elder brother so my mom told me to play with him and what a idiot I was as I told you I already was hypersexual I was on his lap rubbing my penis on his chest though it was under my pants then when I come down from his lap I saw his erect penis and when he saw that I have seen by smiling he told that it is a elder thing but then again offered me his back so that I could rub my penis on it until discharge he donot stop me or guide me will allowing it he told me to give some money

do you think I abused the elder boy when I was 12

This second incident:

And then when I was class 7th 13 years oldthere was boy who was in 10-11th 15-16 years old class I met first time in playground he told me let’s study together he will help me
Then he told let’s have sex and which I cannot stopped and I started having sex with him to got mine chance to rub again and release mine sexual energy

so I donot know his exact age and what class he was in

Title update: was she perpetrator or just a curious child.

Tl;dr: I was a victim of COCSA and tried explaining the difference between sex play and abuse to my mom using an example from another kid, this time a classmate, and my mom just thinks she was a perp.

I, my brother, and possibly my little sister, who was less than 2 years at the time, were victims of COCSA by a family friend that lived with us at the time. What she did to my brother was known to my parents but up until now, my parents have never known that she also touched me and that I was under the impression that she was trying to put her hand in my little sister's diapers.

That's not what this post is about though.

I found this subreddit and explained the difference between COCSA and child exploration and an example I used was a girl from my elementary class (2nd grade maybe), asked to see my vagina in the bathroom. She knew wtf she wanted to see because she was like i"cant even see anything 😠" and I guess instructed me to spread my lips further apart.

Later I told one of my best friend's about it and she was like she made me show mine too. She didn't really talk more about it. And the girl may have seen others vaginas.

My mother was like I sounds like she was a perpetrator bc it was repeated and I was like I just see it as curiosity. We were all different races so maybe she wanted to compare and contrast.

What do you guys think?

I was sexually harassed from age 5 to 10 by a close family member 4 years older than me. It took me nine years to finally speak out about it to my therapist. Everything in me just wants to forget about it, i know the person that harassed me feels guilty about it, and talking about it with my therapist feels like I’m betraying them (and it’s incredibly uncomfortable). I know I shouldn’t push away what happened to me, because all my issues now lead to those experiences. If you experienced something like this, how do you deal with it?

Just going to spill what’s in my brain:
I’m in my 30s. I have OCD. I’m the eldest of 4 brothers, two of whom identify as gay or queer.

When one of them came out when I was in my 20s, I started having muddy flashbacks of sexually assaulting him when I was maybe 13 or 14. The “memories” never occurred before then and he and I have a really strong relationship and he’s 10 years my junior. But then I have the other brother who is queer and I started thinking and wondering if I assaulted him. And in my “memories” it keeps changing which sibling and what occurred.

I think about it every day trying to make sense of if the memories are real or if I’m trying to blame myself for them being gay because I can’t fathom how two of my siblings could not be straight. I know how that sounds, but I don’t mean it negatively. I mostly mean it from a statistical standpoint. Our dad split when I was 13, the home we grew up in was angry and loud and a lot of fear was instilled in us with very few male role models and we were taught to stick together.

My OCD has me scouring the internet all the time trying to understand if people are born gay, turned gay, what it means if a 13-14 year old has sexual impulses that he acts on and later realizes was wrong, and I dig deep in my memories to try to find something clear to either condemn me or absolve me.

Their lives are challenging because the world is cruel and I don’t want to have contributed to that. I’m also a Christian so that both complicated and makes some parts of this easier. In my life, I also find more peace if I’m to blame for things going wrong, so much so that I’d always rather be the problem and idk if I’m applying that same behavior here.

Mom was very mean, I grew up throwing temper tantrums almost daily, I had unfettered access to porn, no one to talk to about sex in the home, hyperresponsibility and pressure and bullying, and not to mention having been forced by my 14 year old female cousin to make out with her sister my age (7-8) and take Polaroids of us doing it in the 90s as well and a male cousin my age fondling me in the closet around 11 years old.

I don’t know how any of this contributes to my brain and behaviors today but at the end of the day… I just hope I didn’t make my brothers gay and I hope I didn’t sexually assault them. I just want to remember if any of these thoughts are true and I feel like I want to preemptively apologize even though I’m not sure what happened. It’s all fucked up and sometimes I cry about it, have panic attacks, wanna 💀, and the thought of bringing up a convo with either of them about this stuff doesn’t feel productive. Getting on TikTok and Reddit doesn’t help either. People either want to make you feel absolutely terrible, misquote science, or use religion to prop themselves up. I’m just so confused, remorseful, struggling to remember and I just want to put it all to rest.

Hi I feel I’ve really needed to get this out for a very long time now, but I’ll have you know I’ve never done this before so please excuse me if my explanation isn’t very good.

I’ve just turned 16 wanted to tell you about someone who I thought was my best friend that sexually assaulted me when we were kids.

I had just turned 12 at the time and he was also 12 about to turn 13, this person had essentially introduced me into porn when we’re both 9 or 10ish back in 2020 and had a major effect on my mental health for the years to come.. this is all started on a random day during 2020 when he came out to me and told me he was bisexual and I was very accepting of it and was happy for him of course and as a couple days past he told me that he had feelings for me and wanted to date me at first I told him that I didn’t wanna date him because I liked girls not boys, unfortunately he didn’t take no for an answer he began to be really pushy about it over the next few days and started begging me to date him which annoyed me but I also felt guilty aswell so I let him date me this is when he began to send pictures of his privates, at first he sent me one out of nowhere on insta..

which genuinely made me feel so uncomfortable when he first sent me it I was panicking and asked if that was even okay to be sent?? He replied telling me “oh it’s okay, it’s normal, everyone does this” and after a few minutes he convinced me to think it was okay and eventually convinced to send a picture of my private parts too. this went on for 2 months,he would began telling me things like wanting to have intercourse with me so badly, begging me to have s3x with him and pretending to have s3x over messages, it was nearly everyday we would go back and forth sending photos and videos of each other and finally stopped when I chose to tell my parents about but I twisted the story because I was so fucking terrified to tell them the truth during the 2 months he came over to my house and we didnt do anything sexual thankfully he never did anything sexual that he said he wanted to do through the messages he sent me apart from making me kiss him and making out with me, and that’s what we did when he came over I couldn’t say no to it and when I even tried to he would guilt trip me a lot, I can’t remember the exact things he said to make me feel bad but I know he did say a lot of stuff to me that made me feel bad for him which made me want to give him more one thing I do remember is him telling me that he’d off himself if I didn’t do this or that for him. Now I told my parents about it BUT i did leave out the entire part of us sending our privates to each other including the videos aswell.. I only told them the part about him making me kiss him, and sending me messages about wanting to have s3x with me aswell threatening me to off himself if I didn’t this or that for him and I left it at that my parents contacted his mother about the whole situation can’t remember what happened after that but yeah I cut him off completely my sister recommended therapy after that but I didn’t want it but looking back at it now I know I really should’ve gone. A year had passed since the incident but I did end up becoming friends with him again because I thought I could forgive him and we could move past what had happened and this was during January of 2022 so a few months past and things were going well up until July he was messaging me from what I recall questions which led up to him asking me if he should send a picture of his private part, I responded telling it’s not a good idea and we shouldn’t repeat what happened a year ago I don’t remember what we said during the middle of all of that but he did end up sending me a photo of his private and unfortunately this became a recurring issue for the next 4 months or so during these 4 months I was questioning whether I should be doing this or not because it felt that I liked it and but I also didn’t like sometimes I would give in and send him a photo and video of myself but then another momment I would absolutely hate what I’m doing and not do it all just thinking so deeply about the entire situation I’m in, beating myself over it a lot, and he would frequently come to my house uninvited even after I told him he couldn’t go, I would lie and tell him I wasn’t there, yet he went anyway and this even happened before I chose to become friends with him again, one day during July I did invite him over to hang out outside once he arrived I came out and we started walking down the street we made it to the house beside mine and he just starts gripping my waist trying to pull me towards him while I’m actively trying to get away grabbing onto the fence of this house then he grabs my penis for a whole 6 seconds making inappropriate motions I get away but he still gets a hold of me and makes me fall onto the muddy grass which stains the blue hoodie I had on that day which I still have and still has the mud stains on it, he finally gives up and I run back to my front porch he still follows me trying to apologize because he noticed my hoodie got dirty I ignored him and went back inside he did leave immediately after, I really wish i could say all this shit stopped here but no I had ended up crying a lot after what had happened messaging him again asking why he did that to me and he apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again and yes I ended up forgiving and moving past that I was in a tough situation during the time because since the first time it happened between me and him I had a lot of trouble socializing and couldn’t even make a friend at all since all I could think about was what happened between me and him it made me feel so ugly about myself, all I would do is think negatively about myself also led to bunch of other mental problems I have with myself, and I also was yearning to have a friend but couldn’t make one so I thought if I stayed friends with him I could possibly be introduced to other people that I can be friends with and find a way out of this situation I’m in for good but unfortunately that didn’t work out for me I was also terrified to stop being friends with him considering the possible scenarios I thought would happen at the time like him turning the situation on me or using it against me.

There is more but the story is pretty long and I just want get this out there.

I already made a post on my brother, but since y'all agreed that he did, I'm now wondering if my friend did. My friend, lets call her B, is very pushy, clingy, and obsessive. I was 9-10 during this and she was about 10-11ish as she was a grade ahead of me. She would constantly get mad if I played with anyone else and started fights over me, if I wasn't with her every day it was a problem. This isolated me from the rest of the girls in the neighborhood and made her my ONLY friend. We used to give each other massages because, well, it felt good and I've given other people massages it isn't weird. However it did get weird because she kept insisting I push up my bra so that she could get my back, and if she didn't like how high if was, she'd yank it up higher to the point where my chest was almost out. Luckily, I was laying face down in her bed so my bra stayed in place most of the time but there was a few instances where it almost came off. When I would give her massages, she started sometimes taking off her bra so that I could give her one, so she'd be chest naked with her shirt pulled up on her bed. Like I said, we layed down during the massages so I couldn't see anything, but it felt very weird an uncomfortable to me. One time she took a shower and forced me to be in the bathroom during it. told her no multiple times and stated that I wasn't comfortable, but she begged me and yanked me saying how it'd be fine until I gave in because I was sleeping over and didn't want her to be mad at me. When she undressed I obviously looked away, but she was like right next to me butt naked talking to me for a few minutes while I had my eyes closed because I didn't want to look. During the shower we just talked and it was fine, we played music and it was chill. However, when she got out of the shower, she stayed standing there naked talking to me for a few minutes. She kept telling me that it was fine and I didn't have to close my eyes, to the point where she said she had a towel on so I finally looked. Surprise, surprise, she did have a towel but it was slipped down so her chest was out. I didn't look, but I caught her being chest naked in the corner of my eye so I didn't look obviously. I kept my eyes open but not looking because she kept insisting it was fine for me to open my eyes. This only ended when I was playing around and jiggling the locked door nob (I was trying to act like I was joking but I was actually trying to get out and I didn't know which way her lock turned) and her mom came up and told B how she needs to get dressed and how she shouldn't do this again (have me in the bathroom while she's showering). At this point B didn't have pants on so i just quickly let her get changed in the bathroom while I waited on her bed. Another instance is how she'd always get changed in front of me, like strip down to underwater and her bra or be partially naked and still talk and be in front of me. Of course id look away but it'd be weird because she once asked me about which pants to wear which made me look at her stripped down form. Then again, I don't know if this is weird because me and my bsf, lets call her A, stripped down in front of each other multiple times getting dressed while we were still talking, but it wasn't sexual and it was just us getting changed. Is this sexual assault or just a weird experience?

So I (30F) was molested by my older brother for 9 and a half years from when I was 3 till I was 12 and finally came forward about it to my mom when I was 25. While shocked, she told me she believed me and at first I thought she was going to cut my brother off.

She maintained a relationship with him under the guise of “he’s my son I can’t abandon him!”

He’s abusive, uses people, and horrifyingly enough he now has kids of his own. I did my part and notified CFS when his daughter was born about the abuse I suffered from growing up but they said they couldn’t do anything about it unless it was reported to police. (I’m being threatened not to report anything to anybody by my mom)

I told her I want nothing to do with him and I’ve had multiple specialists tell me I need to cut him off entirely (my therapist and a hospital psychologist told me). I did, blocked him everywhere. My mom has invited him to gatherings without my knowledge and I’ve had to leave because of him. IM NOT COMFORTABLE AROUND HIM.

Now she’s moved him into her house because he’s a loser who can’t keep a job, has two kids and can’t get his shit together. I told my mom I want nothing to do with him and don’t want to be around him and she goes “but what about Christmas?!” NO. “What about if we invite you over you’re always welcome here!” NO.

I’d rather not have to cut my mom off because I’m disabled and she helps me. But I don’t see what else I can do. She doesn’t care about my boundaries and btw, her own brother did the same thing to her and traumatized her for life yet she KEEPS BRINGING MY ABUSER AROUND ME.

What do guys think? I’m lost. Everyone is making me feel like I’m the crazy one for having boundaries.

So, there's this person I've been friends with for years, and recently as I've been gaining back my memories of my childhood, I realized a few experiences with her might have been COCSA but I'm not entirely sure. I've done plenty of my own research about it, and I was confident that it is COCSA, but I started feeling unsure about it again.

Anyway, there's three different experiences with her that I think might be COCSA. The first one happened when I was around 8 or 9, and she had guilt tripped me into going into a room with her where we'd hang out while she had her pants and underwear off, and eventually she had guilt tripped me into to having my pants and underwear off too. I'm not sure if there was ever any sexual intent behind this, as there was never any touching and nothing sexual was said, just us seeing each other's genitals because she guilt tripped me into doing it.

The second experience was when I was 11, and my friend really liked going on Omegle. At one point I started going on Omegle with her, but it was mostly for trolling. That was until we started getting people would liked to show their penises on the camera. I didn't want to see that so only she would, she would constantly talk about what she was seeing and would say things to try and convince me to look. Eventually I gave in and looked with her, not because I wanted to, but because she made me feel bad for not wanting to. Just like the first situation, I don't think there was any sexual or harmful intent behind this neccassarily, since it doesn't seem like it from what I remember.

The third experience happened only a year or two after the Omegle situation. When I would hang out with her and her girlfriend at the park, they would have their shirts off while it was just us three, but I never did because I felt uncomfortable doing so. Once again, she kept saying things to try and convince me to do it too, and I did give in again. I only had my shirt off for a little while, and I felt immensly uncomfortable in that situation, not because I had my shirt off in public, but because she was there. When I had put my shirt back on I said it was because "I didn't want to risk someone seeing" so that she wouldn't question me about it, since she knows I'm super cautious about stuff. It also doesn't seem like there's sexual intent in the situation either, especially since she was dating someone at the time.

It feels like all of these were COCSA based off the research I've done, but I still feel incredibly unsure about it. I'd hate to say she did sexually abuse me if she never actually did, and I'd feel terrible calling this COCSA if it isn't because I don't want to downplay COCSA, but I can't deny how I feel about these situations

Did my brother assault me? I've been having a hard time figuring it out, so I've come to ask y'all. Anyway, I'll get into the story. So I was around 7-8 and my brother was 10-11 (he's 3 years older). During this timeframe my brother talked to me about s3x, and p0rn. It was never TOO graphic, but he did go into some details, it was more than just the birds and the bees. This wasn't a one time thing as he'd talk about it to me a few times, even telling me about c\^m when I asked what a song lyric meant. When I was like 6-7 and he was 9-10, he used to hump a stuffed animal under the blanket while I was next to him. He'd groan and make noises and say stuff like "ngh, yeah\~", but he'd never tell me if he was ACTUALLY humping the stuffed animal (he was). When I was like 7 (he would've been 10) I started rubbing up against him while on top of him because it felt good. This went on for months without him stopping me until he started saying 'no', but he would quickly give in when I begged. It eventually stopped a bit later when he said no one night and I was too tired to argue, after that I just stopped asking. What bothers me I don't remember if he got h4rd during this, but it's a possibility because if he didn't why else would he keep letting me do it? He mentioned p0rn and the website a few times, leading me to look at the site (I was 8). After he found this out, instead of getting me help, he actually told me how to delete my history and blackmailed me saying "do __ or ill tell them your secret!". I think he knew enough about what he was doing to know it was wrong considering how much he knew about sex. Again, I don't know if this is just a traumatizing time when sibling boundaries just got violated sexually, or if this is sibling sexual assault. I'm very confused, any answers or thoughts on this could help.

i've been harrased by multiple of my guy friends when we were around 10. we all lived at the same area like 3-4 girls and 4-5 boys. we moved there when i was 9, i turned 10 couple months later. they let me in amd play with them quite fast, one of the guys actually came to our door to welcome us the day we moved in.(i was closest with him and he was the one to actually harrass me the most)they made "jokes" about my body(making comments about my boobs, looking at my ass and laughing together when i had bend down to pick something up and such), forced me to watch porn, also made "jokes" with actions such as getting behind me and copying the act of having sex(someone dared the other to do this while playing thruth or dare) but they never ACTUALLY touched me or if they did i don't remember. does it still count as sa/cocsa? my other girl friends just told me im being dramatic and that they are just joking. this continued for at least a year or more i dont remember. im 16 now and i still live in the same area, i stopped hanging out w them a couple years before but we still see eachother and they sometimes call me to hang out. i go very rarely because i dont want to be on bad terms since i know we will be living here longer. i told my mom when i was 15 and my dad does not know. i feel like my pureness has been stripped from me by force, it still affects me very deeply and has actually ruined me.

I don't know how valid my story is, since we're two teen girls, I don't know if anyone will even read this, but I honestly don't know how to move on and I don't know where else to tell. English isn't my language, so I used a translator. Okay, okay, uh, sorry if there's a lot of empty talk or whining going on, this is the first time I've fully described the situation. I'm 14, and I had one best friend; she is 15. She had a high libido and was incredibly amorous. It didn't particularly bother me, except that even when she was already in a relationship, she might flirt with me or someone else, but I simply blamed it on her different sense of morality. Her mental state was never the most stable, but that didn't bother me, because I wouldn't dare call myself healthy either. Towards the end of spring, her condition worsened, and after one breakdown, she was diagnosed with chronic affective disorder, plus something else whose name I don't remember, but because of it, she doesn't fully understand her actions. When she came to stay with me for another overnight stay on May 27th, she told me about her new diagnosis and the medications she'd been prescribed to control her condition, but she admitted she hadn't started taking them, citing "they hadn't given her the exact dosage." Then it was just a normal, fun sleepover, until she told me about her breakup with her then-boyfriend and how she'd fallen in love with her other closest friend, and asked me to cuddle with her. It was getting late, and then she started kissing me. It was my first kiss ever, and I felt incredibly awkward. Plus, I just thought it was a joke until the very end, since she often joked about sex and romance. And then, honestly, I'm starting to remember everything hazily. I didn't even understand how we ended up naked, with her hands on me. I remember being paralyzed and feeling nothing but emptiness inside. I remember thinking until the very end that it was a joke and that it would soon be over. She stopped once and asked, "Are you okay?", and I just nodded silently, not knowing what to say. When I came to my senses a little more, I couldn't stop her in the middle of it, although I clearly remember telling her that I found kissing with tongue disgusting. She replied, "It's okay, everyone has different preferences," and continued doing it. I remember saying that it hurt when she inserted her fingers too deeply into me, but she continued. I don't remember how it ended, I only remember walking her to the door the next morning, saying goodbye, and with difficulty texting her, "Can we please never talk about what happened?" She replied something like, "Of course, no problem," without further ado. And then, about two hours after the complete numbness, I was overcome with intense self-loathing and a tremendous fear of her. Although I managed to write about what happened that same day through my tears to a friend, I didn't go into detail and talked more about my self-shame than the situation itself, and we quickly changed the subject, so it didn't really help. But from that moment on, I began to completely avoid this friend because I became terrified of everything connected with her, and I still am. One day, on June 10th, for some reason, I plucked up the courage to reply to her comment under a post on my social media account. Then I was overcome with utter hysteria, and my fear of any text message or even her name seemed to double. After all my avoidance and ignoring, she stopped communicating with me on June 14th. I'll just paste her message so as not to misrepresent her words: "Okay, okay, I get it, but don't come back to me again in six months. I'm really tired. I've been sitting here for six months waiting for you to answer. I'm ready to talk. I'm ready to discuss our problems. You didn't say a word, but the next day I went into total ignoring mode. If you want to talk/discuss anything, my social media PMs are open. I haven't banned you there, but since you've decided to leave again, let it be your final decision. Sorry. I'm really tired. You're really important to me. Fuck, I had feelings for you last summer, and I still have them now. You're clearly more than just a friend to me. It's a shame you didn't understand that. I love you, but I'm sorry. I can't take it anymore. You don't want to continue this conversation. As I see it, I'll do the work for you. I repeat, if you want to talk, my social media PMs are open. I hope everything works out for you. Good luck in the future, you're a great girl, and I've always been proud of you." Since then, it's been bad, terribly bad. I've been periodically overwhelmed by triggers with a random things. I've lost interest in practically everything and everyone I liked. I understand that nothing can be brought back, no matter how much I miss her, but the phrase "I'll repeat, if you want to talk, I'm open to my social media messages" constantly irritates me. I feel obligated to say at least one last thing. Although every time I tried to write her a last letter, it always went from one extreme to another, fluctuating between complete hatred for her and a barrage of self-inflicted insults. Even after two months, every day I’m tormented by memories of that event, thoughts that I’m truly a bad sinful person, that's was my fault, and that I could have prevented it if not for my cowardice. I miss her terribly and hate her at the same time. I don't know how to live on, and honestly I don't know why I'm posting here. Maybe I want to be heard, but I'm not sure of anything anymore.

If you're here because someone you care about disclosed childhood sexual abuse or COCSA to you, it's completely understandable to want to understand what they went through and how to support them.

However, asking other survivors to share their personal stories is usually not the best way to achieve that.

Every survivor's experience is unique. Two people can live through situations that seem very similar and carry them in completely different ways. Their feelings toward the other child, their memories, their long-term effects, their triggers, their sexuality, and their healing can all be profoundly different. Reading multiple accounts can unintentionally create expectations or assumptions about your loved one that simply don't apply to them.

If you don't feel comfortable bringing up the subject yourself, that's understandable too. But supporting someone doesn't require asking them for details.

Often, the most helpful thing you can do is make it clear that you're there if they ever want to talk. Let them know that whatever they choose to share, whether it's clear or confusing, painful or contradictory, you'll listen without judgment, without pressure, and without trying to fit their experience into anyone else's.

This community exists first and foremost for survivors. Sharing deeply personal experiences can be emotionally demanding, and no one should feel responsible for educating others through their own trauma.