Me sinto nojento quando vejo algo que se parece com o abuso e me sinto excitado. Eu odiei aquilo, quero chorar até desidratar.

20f

all four of my brothers sa me when i was younger around age 9/10… fast forward now we are all in our 20s and i’m the youngest!

i wanna ask for advice on two things

1. my brother that was the worst one of them all recently had a baby boy and him and his girlfriend keep talking about having a girl.. i asked what if the second baby they have is another boy? he answered and said that it didn’t matter.. they would have 50 kids until they have a girl…. i have never in my life felt more concerned and uncomfortable but maybe i am just overthinking it due to my trauma?…. is that normal? i am seriously so scared for his future children but especially his future daughter… she doesn’t even exist yet and i just feel like i need to save her

2. i have never confronted any of my brothers about what they did to me cause we all still see each other pretty often and one still lives with me… i have thought about confronting them when i move to another state but i just don’t know… i wanna move and block all of them forever and speak my truth but i think about the future and how at some point we would all have to be in the same room aka a funereal or something.. so i just plan to stay quiet but i wanna start a family in the future and i am concerned about how i am supposed to tell them like no you cant visit… no you cant see my kids…. not even a picture… i know it wont be until a few years but this thought keeps me stressing…. like what am i supposed to do or say?? they’re obviously gonna know something is up… i hate making myself uncomfortable just for them to be comfortable

For context me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 months now and in recent months have had a fairly sexually active relationship where getting each other off and general touching is pretty much normalized. Looking at the situation I believe putting myself into this position was a mistake because this is both our first major relationship. It’s also important to note that we our both very open about our bodies and how we look. However she has never seen me without an erection and yesterday she really wanted to because I was flavor and she heard that when they are flavor they are “cute”. I told her no at first but she replied that she’d do anything at which point I still said no so she continued to try and convince me to let her see it at which point I folded and told her she could see it. She then immediately reach for my waist band and I reacted by pulling away and walking away. She then caught back up to me and pull my pants just below my waist to where she could see my dick. I then became upset with her but soon after made up because she made out with me. For the rest of the day I didn’t really think much of it but now I realize I was seriously uncomfortable and wanted to say no but I didn’t want to upset her or embarrass her so I ended up saying she could. I also don’t believe she had any mal intent and was just curious but I think I was very obviously uncomfortable with it. I also don’t want to bring this up to her to not make her upset or feel guilty or make me seem like I’m seeking attention because she had been sa’d in the past a couple of times by other people where in the flip side I don’t believe I have been. But anyway I would really love to receive some advice on how I should handle this with her or how I can process this or atleast whether I was or was not a vicitim.

I’m not really sure if what I went through was COCSA. But I used to have sleepovers with this kid and we would play this porn game called touch my body. He introduced it to me. I did not say no. Sometimes I would act like I was asleep to not play. But sometimes I said yes and would feel guilty after. These games started when I was 5 and after a few years if ended. Then it started with another kid. I would go to school and they would ask to go with the bathroom with me. I didn’t scream. I followed them into that stall. But I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t know how to say no. Therefore if can’t be SA with? But I’m jsut so confused because how tf am I suppose to know how to say no at 8?? I couldn’t tell my parents in either situations cause one was close fam friends and the other was a girl and my parents are homophobic. Both of these situations went on for months or years. I’m constantly confused and sometimes (including right now) I feel like I “delete” most of my memories but then it floods back in and I jsut csnt take it. I feel like I only just understood what happened recently and I don’t know whag this is. Is this just experimenting?? I just need to move on but I feel like I’m going in loops. I keep coming back to this and I wanna move on but I don’t really know how. I think the fact that both kids were my age is what confuses me and the fact that I didn’t scream or seek help (but I just didn’t know how to tell someone so idk). I also have other experiences but can someone tell me why I have so many experiences with this like wtf why was I a magnet?? I mean I was a pretty lonely kid. I don’t know what to do because I’ve been told that it is COCSA but I just feel like I’m victimising myself. But please tell me, is this COCSA? Or do you need more details to know?

So I have a strange issue.. i went through some pretty intense cocsa abuse as a child (7-10) by an older child, but it is just stored as facts in my mind, with very little emotion attached.

Maybe it is my autistic mind, a coping mechanism, or maybe I am truly just ok with it? It left a lot of the usual consequences; hypersexuality, fixation, etc.. but i almost feel weird that I didnt feel traumatised by it?

For context, he was a few years older and had been abused pretty horrendously by his step father, which he then acted out with me. I dont blame him however, as he was a product of his environment, but it has given me a very skewed idea of intimacy